BPD or Addiction..I dont know which is worse?

[gunnered72]

My BPD wife also has a marijuana addiction.I dont know which is worse.Its like the addiction and BPD are going hand in hand.Im being blamed for our financial worries (i dont drink, smoke or do drugs) while she makes sure she always has a constant supply... .I havent bought myself a stitch of clothing in over 2 years... .The only thing i spend money on is my tropical fish keeping hobby and im even sacrificing that now.

The crazy thing is she wants to take complete control of our finances when in fact she cannot control money at all... .I am at my wits end... .The curious thing is i prefer her when shes high cos when shes high she is never angry... .This is such a catch 22 situation... .Im at a loss as how to deal with this situation... .She insists weed is harmless and does not even want to entertain the thoughts of quitting... .I am myself a recovering addict and alcoholic ( over 10 years clean and sober) so her behaviour goes against everything i believe in now... .All i do is pray she will get better... .Its all i can do... .Its the most difficult thing ive ever dealt with in my life

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear you are in such a pickle.

Addictions and BPD together sure are a toxic mix, and is quite common. I also had to deal with alcoholism and medication abuse addictions. These things pile on to the delusion and denial, and are probably coping tools to that end.

We had 50% of our income, which is not a lot, siphoned off to support these issues.

The financial drain in itself needs to pulled back, and definitely financial control should not be handed over.

As you have been through this yourself you will be more than aware you can't talk someone out of this as they entrenched in their own delusions.

I think the first step is to firm up on boundaries and no doubt this will bring on a crisis. But a crisis is often needed for a change to occur

Waverider

[an0ught]

Hi gunnered72,

you can see this as a drug problem but then when reading your post it sounds the drugs at least directly don't cause problems. She is using weed as a not so functional and quite expensive coping strategy which sort of works for her. You could also see this as a financial boundary problem.

Don't give up your fish! You need stuff that defines you, you have little left. You deserve to spend your money on yourself, including clothes!

Her need for crutches is infinite but you have only limited resources. If you try to get her off weed it will be all about her and she will play victim. Controlling her is invalidating and removing her crutch will send her scrambling for a new one, possibly more damaging. Make it about your needs, equality and fairness. There is a share of money you demand for yourself. Hers is hers.

Rather than tackling the weed yourself a strategy would be to get her into therapy and leave that problem to the T. On your side you could work on reducing conflict in the relationship by learning and practicing the skills here in the LESSONS. Boundaries and validation can significantly reduce frequency and severity of conflicts. This will reduce the pressure on her to resort to not so functional coping strategies.

There won't be a quick fix and you will have to adjust plans as things develop. But as a general rule - take good care of yourself. A first step would be protecting your finances. It won't be liked but once settled it will take away some stress on your side and increase your options to help her.

Hang in there  ,

a0