What a mess

[Depression = 72% of members]

Alright. So let me start by saying I've been married to my wife for 6 years. Kind of a shotgun type of wedding situation but it worked for a while. I feel like it still might be able to work with the right help and support. About a year and a half into my marriage, and after having a daughter, my wife wanted to leave me. She just totally changed it seemed like. I was lost, confused and sad and outraged all at once. It made no sense. Then I found out she was having an affair. Or at least all signs pointed to an affair and I had proof on my end but only lies on her end. So then I lost all trust. We got through it and she decided she wanted to stay married to me. But during this time, her brother gave me a paper on BPD. I scanned through it and saw a lot of very significant similarities but thought nothing of it because everything was better.

So we had another child and just like the first time, she seemed unhappy and terrified.

Now 4.5 years later, she wants a divorce. It's all the exact same scenario. It's like she's a different person and I'm just waiting for her to flip back but it's way more intense and abusive than the last time. I read everything I could about BPD again and everything, I meant everything fits her to a T. I'm beginning to get very concerned about the whole divorce and the well being of our kids. Everything is getting very nasty. Well she is. And I get frustrated and respond accordingly. I feel so much stress and pressure from her every single day with every word she says to me. She's constantly flipping back and forth to nice and loving then nasty and threatening to take everything I have. And using our kids as leverage against me.

I feel like I might me able to save this but for now I need to learn how to cope or get help for her or both of us.

Feeling desperate.

Thanks in advance for any information.

[Keitho22]

Alright. So let me start by saying I've been married to my wife for 6 years. Kind of a shotgun type of wedding situation but it worked for a while. I feel like it still might be able to work with the right help and support. About a year and a half into my marriage, and after having a daughter, my wife wanted to leave me. She just totally changed it seemed like. I was lost, confused and sad and outraged all at once. It made no sense. Then I found out she was having an affair. Or at least all signs pointed to an affair and I had proof on my end but only lies on her end. So then I lost all trust. We got through it and she decided she wanted to stay married to me. But during this time, her brother gave me a paper on BPD. I scanned through it and saw a lot of very significant similarities but thought nothing of it because everything was better.

So we had another child and just like the first time, she seemed unhappy and terrified.

Now 4.5 years later, she wants a divorce. It's all the exact same scenario. It's like she's a different person and I'm just waiting for her to flip back but it's way more intense and abusive than the last time. I read everything I could about BPD again and everything, I meant everything fits her to a T. I'm beginning to get very concerned about the whole divorce and the well being of our kids. Everything is getting very nasty. Well she is. And I get frustrated and respond accordingly. I feel so much stress and pressure from her every single day with every word she says to me. She's constantly flipping back and forth to nice and loving then nasty and threatening to take everything I have. And using our kids as leverage against me.

I feel like I might me able to save this but for now I need to learn how to cope or get help for her or both of us.

Feeling desperate.

Thanks in advance for any information.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JayApril]

Sounds like everyday stress of being a wife & mother is making her BPD flare up. BPD is a mixture of Dr.Jeklly & Mr. Hyde... .its tough because you never know what you are going to get. If she is open to getting help I would go for it. But, if not be careful the constant mood swins will drain you. I believe that the constant threats to leave are them trying to prove that they are still worth keeping. Being married, your personality is constantly on display for a partner to see. It may just be she feels exposed and is unable to hide her BPD now.

[JayApril]

*And fears abandoment so she tries to beat you to the punch.

[an0ught]

Keitho22,

sounds like a lot of threats and drama in your marriage  . Both sides feel there is a big crisis and it could lead to breakup. That of course is triggering abandonment making the whole mess quite a bit messier  .

Read up on validation. The first step is to stop making it worse i.e. deny that there is a crisis, that things are bad etc... .Second step would be to validate that there is a crisis, that things are bad, that things must change a lot, that she is extremely unhappy etc... .

I feel so much stress and pressure from her every single day with every word she says to me.

Sounds like you are struggling to keep her projections at bay. How are you doing with respect to boundaries?

I feel like I might me able to save this but for now I need to learn how to cope or get help for her or both of us.

Take a deep breath. There is a wealth of information and support on this site no matter how the situation develops. You may work from your end to restore the relationship and that may well work. It may also not work - nobody can tell. You can't really control the outcome but you can control yourself and what you do. That is quite important - your energy to turn around the situation is limited - and knowing it is limited it should be spent wisely.

And I get frustrated and respond accordingly.

Turning around starts with us turning around. Sharing your frustration, confusion and asking questions on the board is a good first step  .

How have you tried to reduce conflicts? Do you have a T? How have you found us?

Again, welcome to the board,

a0

[paintingitblack]

In my experience sometimes the more you try to save it, the more she will want to leave. When you allow a BPD person to disrespect you, they will keep on doing it likely and think less of you for taking such disrespect. I think a lot of this is subconscious and not something they do purposefully. I know this can sound like and quickly turn into a mind game which is the last thing you want especially with kids in the picture. Just don't fall into this common pitfall of you being the one trying so hard to make it work when she is the one cheating and lying. Stick to your guns. You don't deserve that, you must start by respecting yourself. If you let her cheat and lie to you then you end up being the one pleading with her to make it work... .that is NOT where you want to be. You are not respecting yourself by doing that. You are human so I am sure you aren't the perfect husband but stand up for yourself. Bpd's often try to make their partner a doormat but deep down they crave and want the opposite. Not a total A-hole or anything just a strong, stable, self respecting force. Don't be a "nice guy" but don't be a jerk. If you told her you were leaving or to pack her things and go I could almost guarantee it wouldn't be too long before she came crawling back. Especially if you just didn't react to her nonsense or answer her phone calls for a while. I do understand this is all more complicated when a child is involved though. Best wishes.

[babyducks]

Hi Keitho22 

Welcome to bpdfamily.  You have come to a good place where there are a lot of resources and people to help you learn how more about BPD.  We all understand how frustrating and confusing the emotional upheavals can be.

On the top of this board and also on the right you can find The Lessons.  They are a great place to browse.  From what you wrote I think you will find a lot of things there that are familiar.

I really understand the frustration.  I knew nothing about BPD and when my partner would suddenly switch on me, and 'paint me black' wanting to have nothing to do with me or blaming me for everything that was wrong in the universe I would get very frustrated.   With 20/20 hindsight I can say I didn't handle the frustration really well and sometimes, inadvertently  I did things that made the situation worse.   It can be very hard not to react when being raged at.

Since coming here and learning the lessons, things have gotten much better.  The relationship is still difficult at times but it is light years ahead of where we were.   What I changed was myself.   I didn't wait for her to get better or try manage her emotions.

In short... .I needed to make myself healthy again. I needed to learn to communicate with her effectively. I learned to set limits and define my own boundaries... .and learned to enforce them. I learned to walk away from emotional dysregulation. I learned to allow the person with BPD their own feelings and lives and to allow the same for myself.

That takes some time and a bunch of practice.   It's like baseball, it's easier to learn how to hit a curve ball in batting practice (here) than in a real game (with your wife).

I hope you hang around, and contribute to our efforts by posting more of your story.

'ducks