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Author Topic: Even Mother's Day was about HIM  (Read 365 times)
Ceruleanblue
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« on: May 10, 2015, 11:31:55 PM »

How do you learn to live with, and just feel okay with things seemingly always being about the BPD in your life? Does it ever start to feel better? Even today, on Mother's Day, it somehow became much more of a good day for BPDh than it was for me.

Now, expectations might have gotten me on this one. I try to not expect anything, which in and of itself is hard. I mean why have a spouse if you can't have expectations? Well, in the past he's always gotten me a small gift for Mother's Day. We are doing some better lately, since his DBT, so I figured of all years, he'd follow his norm. Well, he didn't. I feel he's being passive aggressively angry about something. He likes to with hold to punish, and he definitely knows one of my love languages is "small gifts"(it's more the thought and effort, really). Oh, and he also didn't wish me happy Mothers Day either, which is pretty telling.

He knew I was disappointed, but as the day went on, instead of trying to make things better, what does he do? He goes out and buys motorcycle boots and leather jacket! He's worried about money, but I guess that only applies to me, not HIM. And he's back on wanting me to take the motorcycle class with him, and I think his disregard for my feelings today has pretty much sealed the deal on that. He even kept bringing it up today, and he knows it's something I was only doing to make HIM happy.

I'm so sick of only doing the things that make HIM happy, and even on Mother's Day, he can't buy me a gift, but actually buys himself something? Oh, and his son called, and zippo from him too. They are all so self involved and act like the world revolves around them. THEIR birthdays, THEIR activities, THEY need money, but do I ever hear from them on my birthday, or special occasssions? Nope.

I know I shouldn't be shocked, and I'm really not, but being treated this way does get old. Even if I know it's typical BPD and NPD behavior. It seems like the more I do, the less he has to make effort in some areas. I know he's working his DBT a little, but today was a crap day. I just feel like I'm a non entity in this relationship.

How do you combat feeling, and knowing that on most levels, it's all about them, and they seem to show little regard for you? I so wish BPDh would treat me as nicely as he treats his friends or his kids. It's like I put up with all his moods and issues, and instead of appreciation, I get disregarded. His DBT therapist had him make lists of things that matter to him, and his kids kept getting listed, but did our marriage? Or course not. It's like he has zero respect for me, and it's almost like I'm invisible unless he needs a target.

Sorry for the rant. I just wish I knew how to feel a little better about these days that should be special for me, and even they become all about HIM... .
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2015, 11:38:07 PM »

What was a better way I could have self talked to myself today? As it was, I attended my family Mother's Day get together, and enjoyed family, but was still upset with BPDh. I'd just about get past it, tell myself it was just his BPD, and then he wanted to go buy boots! Then he'd ask when I was going to go take the test so we could take that class(something HE wants to do).

How could I have handled it better, so I felt better, and less hurt and frustrated today? I've been dealing with his anger and behaviors better lately, but his hugely narcissistic nature just really gets to me. In some ways the narcissism is as bad as he anger, it just seems so selfish.
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Theo41
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« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2015, 01:46:07 AM »

Hi Cerulianblue, you have a right to ur feelings. They are normal and natural. Buying the jacket and boots strikes me as totally inappropriate in several respects: it's your day not his! (I stay totally away from my needs and interests on birthdays, Mother's Day and Anniversaries too.) It's immature, selfish, inconsiderate,unsafe (motorbike riding), I could go on.

The sad thing is that if you're like me (an enabler) you don't articulate your displeasure and /or ignore him on Father's Day or his birthday for fear of triggering dysfunctional and painful behavior. So he gets his present and you get ignored and agrravated.

Ok. Enough of the negative. What I have learned to do in Alanon is to care for myself . Particularly when stuff like this goes down. Translating that into your situation, Id be thinking and planning things like: 1. Giving my mom a great day. 2. Enjoying time with my kids and 3. Buying something for myself. 4. And doing what you did which is vent the feelings on this site where your words are heard by empathetic and caring site members. 4. I would also seriously consider telling him " when you did not give me even a small present on Mothers Day and instead bought yourself an expensive motorcycle jacket and boots it really hurt my feelings. I felt disrespected and unappreciated."

Ceruleanblue, I'm so sorry you had such bad behavior from your BPDh. You don't deserve it. You are right to understand that he is sick, but please take care of yourself and create boundries that discourage him from not treating you with love and respect. Don't rely on him to take care of your needs, and make sure you get your own "piece of the pie" by baking or buying it yourself. Make sure you enjoy you life despite his illness. Theo
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123Phoebe
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« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2015, 07:46:45 AM »

What was a better way I could have self talked to myself today?

How could I have handled it better, so I felt better, and less hurt and frustrated today?

I would tell myself that I'm not his mother, I'm not the mother to his children, so no big whoop that he didn't acknowledge the day as being my special day.

He knew I was disappointed, but as the day went on, instead of trying to make things better, what does he do? He goes out and buys motorcycle boots and leather jacket! He's worried about money, but I guess that only applies to me, not HIM. And he's back on wanting me to take the motorcycle class with him, and I think his disregard for my feelings today has pretty much sealed the deal on that. He even kept bringing it up today, and he knows it's something I was only doing to make HIM happy.

I'm so sick of only doing the things that make HIM happy

Ceruleanblue, if you don't want to take the motorcycle class then don't.  Sounds simple, because it is.  Don't do it.  Not because he didn't acknowledge Mother's Day, but because it's not your bag sounds like.  It really has nothing to do with him.

It's okay to have separate interests. 

As it was, I attended my family Mother's Day get together, and enjoyed family, but was still upset with BPDh.

When we're preoccupied or upset with something/someone else, we're not very present for the people who are actually smack dab in front of us; in this case, your family.

Are you looking to find ways to settle some of your own emotions down?
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« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2015, 08:48:10 AM »

 

Ceruleanblue,

Just want to confirm... .do you have any kids together... .(I don't  think so... .but want to confirm)

His pattern has been to do something for you for mothers day in the past... .correct?  Is this the first time he has ever missed mothers day?

Did he say anything... .or make any gesture for you?  For anyone else?  I get it... .he took care of himself with the jacket and boots.

I'll give you a reaction... .from a dude's point of view after getting answers to the above stuff.

And... .

Happy Mother's day to you!  (I know it's a day late... .but I've been camping for mothers day... .just getting back online after weekend)


 

FF
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2015, 09:11:20 AM »

Ceruleanblue,

I'm so sorry that he completely ignored you on Mothers Day.   

I experienced something similar on my anniversary. I bought my husband a little gift and he gave me a card--same thing happened on Valentine's Day. He's got lots of money--so it's just laziness or a lack of imagination.

The funny thing is, he had just returned from a trip a couple of days earlier and stopped at a shopping center and bought himself a $8,000 watch. (He has a couple of other expensive watches he inherited from his dad, but this is the first one he bought himself.) Then he told me that since he didn't get me anything for our anniversary that the pool heat pump that I ordered would be my present. (I'm laughing as I write this. It's just so fu@king pathetic! Even a jar of bath salts would have been appreciated.)

Well, I will enjoy swimming in a warm pool.

Cat
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2015, 09:40:23 AM »

You guys have made me feel much better! Plus, I had time to sleep on it, and last night I kept reminding myself that this isn't a new thing, really.

Formflier: We don't have kids together, so I totally understand that Mother's Day is about kids/Mothers, but this threw me off because it was one of the few sweet/thoughtful things he did for me. So yes, it is the first year he's ever not gotten me a small token gift. I was sort of telling myself "he's worried about money", but then he spent all that money on his boots and jacket, and that just seems so typical of how self centered he is. I asked him if he texted his only daughter who is currently speaking to him a happy Mother's Day, and he said "no", but I'd bet he's lying. Oh, he also showed me a text from her, and my BPDh had tried to plan to spend Mother's Day with HER(she won't be around me... .for no reason other than she's angry and likely PD too)! She sort of said they had plans but he could tag along with them and her Mother in Law to a movie. A movie he/I had planned to see, but as usual, I'm sure he'd rather see it with her. I'm just getting sick to death of coming in dead last with him, especially after what I view as my big sacrifice for him(moving without my son).

Cat Familiar: At least it's not just me. What your husband did is even worse. At least you can laugh now about it. I'm hoping I get there. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Like you, it's not the cost, it's the effort and knowing they took time to think of us? They sure can think of their own wants and needs. It is sadly pathetic, you are right.

Theo: Thanks for making me feel like I have a right to my feelings. I KNOW this, but I do tend to forget because my needs, feelings, all of it seems to get overshadowed by his. I do tend to enable this, just to make my own life easier! Sometimes if I give him his way, it saves me a bunch of hassle. I'm learning to be more selective in this regard and use the tools here though.

And the motorcycle thing was another thing I was doing just to please him. I might take the class, because on a closed course I don't have to worry about cars, but I'm not going to be doing all the riding with him that he wants. I have a right to my feelings and fears, and frankly I'm scared to death of being hit by a car while on my motorcycle. He's just going to have to live with that. Boundary set, but I'm not sure how  he'll take it.

Oh, and I did manage to enjoy my family even though I was hurt, baffled, and upset and BPDh. I've learned to sort of compartmentalize that, and live in the moment, and really enjoy the good times. I have to because I know there is always likely to be more BPD behaviors to confront later. Even with his DBT, and my learning skills to deal with it, he's not likely to ever be an easy going, mellow type guy.
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« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2015, 09:48:40 AM »

 

Ceruleanblue,

If you can be calm and centered... .it is probably worth it to say something to him about this.

"I missed getting something for mothers day this year... .I appreciated it so much in the past... ."

Remember... .it's about you... .you didn't mention him or accuse him.

Less is more.

Say it... .and don't let him draw you into a big thing.


Or... .you can choose to drop it.

FF
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2015, 12:02:51 PM »

Formflier: I did actually say just that. I should have left it at JUST that though. He always pretends he doesn't understand, then I get sucked into tying to explain to him. He doesn't seem capable of empathizing, so it is a huge waste of time. Why bother? Plus, I think he might pretend he doesn't "get it", just to incite drama?

Anyway, I learned to state it simply, then walk away. So, score one for me. I realize there is a good chance he strayed from his "norm" as a means to punish me, but that's on him, not me.

It's funny that he finds setting boundaries are "not to protect the individual, but meant to punish", which is why he won't set any boundaries with his grown kids, but he's more than okay with doing things or with holding things as a form of "punishment"(in his mind). No matter who tries to explain to him that boundaries can be a good thing(his son once tried to explain it to him), he has such black/white thinking, that he just can't conceptualize it, or something.

In a weird way, I think even by my saying "hey, I was hurt that you didn't do your normal token gift, I always really loved that", he almost gets rewarded by knowing he hurt me? Just a thought. He does seem to enjoy hurting me. I feel he is like a sadist. It mostly comes out sexually, but is not limited to that. I'm not even sure if this is tied to BPD or not, but he seems to get some need met by hurting me.

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« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2015, 01:02:44 PM »

Ceruleanblue,

I had a variety of emotions run through my head, but it occurred to me that Living Well is the Best Revenge and I opted for that. I was super sweet and very attentive and I did see a guilty expression cross his face when he realized that I had bought him something and he hadn't done the same. I know he beats himself up for not being the idealized spouse that he thinks he should be so my being really nice undoubtedly made him feel even worse.  Being cool (click to insert in post) Being cool (click to insert in post) Being cool (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2015, 01:16:26 PM »

Formflier: I did actually say just that. I should have left it at JUST that though. He always pretends he doesn't understand, then I get sucked into tying to explain to him.

Did you use the word "you".  ?  Avoiding that... .helps it not sound so blaming.  Even though we might think blame is appropriate.

What do you think you can do to state your truth... .your feelings... .once.  And then not get sucked in... .?

He doesn't seem capable of empathizing, so it is a huge waste of time. Why bother? Plus, I think he might pretend he doesn't "get it", just to incite drama?

He may not be... .or he may feel bad about it... .who knows.  Why bother... .?  Well... .since he is in therapy... .I would hope he could make some progress here.  Plus... .there is more hope for the future if you keep trying. 

The tough part is to try... .but keep expectations low... .but to keep the "try" very genuine.

Anyway, I learned to state it simply, then walk away. So, score one for me. I realize there is a good chance he strayed from his "norm" as a means to punish me, but that's on him, not me.

Is there a way you can work on observing the behavior... .and dropping the "why" in the behavior?  Unless he clarifies his intentions... .guessing at why people do things is usually a path to confusion and hurt... .

It's funny that he finds setting boundaries are "not to protect the individual, but meant to punish", which is why he won't set any boundaries with his grown kids, but he's more than okay with doing things or with holding things as a form of "punishment"(in his mind). No matter who tries to explain to him that boundaries can be a good thing(his son once tried to explain it to him), he has such black/white thinking, that he just can't conceptualize it, or something.

It may take a while for this to click with him.  Hopefully his counselor can explain that boundaries to punish is manipulative and abusive... .

In a weird way, I think even by my saying "hey, I was hurt that you didn't do your normal token gift, I always really loved that", he almost gets rewarded by knowing he hurt me?

Maybe... .

I believe if you express it in the correct... .healthy way... .that it will help your r/s and set an example.  I would agree that if you pitch a fit... .it is very likely to satisfy something within him.

Just a thought. He does seem to enjoy hurting me. I feel he is like a sadist. It mostly comes out sexually, but is not limited to that. I'm not even sure if this is tied to BPD or not, but he seems to get some need met by hurting me.

Hmm... .his behaviors may seem that way.  And what you believe may be true.  It is also possible that the BPD behaviors have absolutely NOTHING to do with you... .and are all about the turmoil that is going on inside him.

Therapy will help and should clarify this issue... .but most likely will take a while.

This might be something to start a new topic on... .and work through to see if your current responses are helpful and healthy for this. 

FF
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2015, 04:01:29 PM »

Just to clarify: My BPDh thinks that if HE sets a boundary, that isn't nice of him. That boundaries sound like punishing someone. It's odd to me that he'd think that, when he so clearly does so many things to deliberately punish me. He doesn't seem to understand that by setting a personal boundary, it protects him, and clearly states to someone how HE wants to be treated. I gave up long ago trying to explain this, and so his son tried, only to get nowhere too.

Oh, and I try to use "I" statements so he doesn't get defensive. Doesn't seem to matter. He seems like he has a persecution complex, and any issue I try to address he gets all hangdog and feels all sorry for himself. That or he gets super angry. It's like dealing with a three year old. Tiring.
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