Why am I attracted to women with BPD?

[simonsays]

Just read this post by AXA

"Co-dependency is the dysfunctional caregiver.

Also people who have been raised to sacrifice themselves and their identity and or who come from sheltered upbringings and not taught to be careful  the outer world are much more susceptible to BPDs."

While doing some research about BPD, I discovered the above post, and it resonated with me so much, I decided to join this forum. I was raised as a third generation Jehovah's Witness (no longer), so the above comment was totally in line with my own life experience - that is, sheltered, self sacrificing, naive as to the "outside world:.   Clearly being in my second long term relationship with a BPD means I have issues so am keen to explore this find out more about my self beliefs and improve my quality of life!

BTW I only discovered the terms "co-dependency" and BPD last night after a drunken tirade by my BPD partner after mother's day. Something clicked last night and I started researching online, and most of what I read about BPD described my defacto wife - not all but a lot of it.

Also thanks for this valuable forum.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Hi Simonsays

It is quite common for certain people to be attracted to pwBPD whereas others would run a mile.

It has lot has to do with our need to be validated, rescuing someone else is validating. Also a pwBPD can be very good at mirroring, or appearing our perfect match very quickly.

Co dependency often evolves out of these factors.

This is why working on us first to regain our sense of being a stand alone individual is probably the first step to getting things back onto a more stable base.

Take a read of the Lessons over on the right>> they sort various articles in a logiocal order to work you way through.

Are there and specific aspects you wish to explore in detail

Waverider

[jcarter4856]

Just read this post by AXA

BTW I only discovered the terms "co-dependency" and BPD last night after a drunken tirade by my BPD partner after mother's day. Something clicked last night and I started researching online, and most of what I read about BPD described my defacto wife - not all but a lot of it.

Similar story, since for some reason BPD does not seem to be well known (Girl Interrupted and Gone Girl not withstanding). I did some Google searches along the lines of "tourette syndrome with rage" and stumbled on a list of the BPD traits/symptoms. Reading the list was a revelation.

Funny story about why are we attracted to them: for many years I had a firm belief that all our R/S problems were somehow due to me. I couldn't explain why, but I did know that I had experienced very similar issues with two previous partners. On a statistical basis therefore, the problem always arose in relationships with me in them as the common factor, and therefore had to be caused by me. I hadn't accounted for the possibility that I was attracted primarily to people with the same traits.

As to "why" --- I'm not sure. They're very interesting, fun, very smart people. Also the sex is amazing. Perhaps it is fate

[Cat Familiar]

Funny story about why are we attracted to them: for many years I had a firm belief that all our R/S problems were somehow due to me. I couldn't explain why, but I did know that I had experienced very similar issues with two previous partners. On a statistical basis therefore, the problem always arose in relationships with me in them as the common factor, and therefore had to be caused by me. I hadn't accounted for the possibility that I was attracted primarily to people with the same traits.

As to "why" --- I'm not sure. They're very interesting, fun, very smart people. Also the sex is amazing. Perhaps it is fate

I've had two BPD husbands and a BPD mother--I think I learned about "love" from my mother and subsequently was drawn to expressive passionate men. I started the thread "Too Good to be True" because I seemed to experience the same relationship "perfection" from my first marriage and my current marriage, only to be completely blindsided when my "prince" turned into the monster. I too, thought it was me--that I was such a disappointment, but the second time I realized that though I have issues, I didn't cause this.

[ColdEthyl]

As to "why" --- I'm not sure. They're very interesting, fun, very smart people. Also the sex is amazing. Perhaps it is fate

Have you ever seen the TV show "House"? My H is like House quite a bit. He's interesting. Different. Incredible intelligent. I love that about him. And the sex well... .when we had it... .was off the chain!

Until I came on here researching BPD... .I had no idea I was co-dependent either.

[simonsays]

Something I didn't mention in my opening post - I also video'd her drunken tirade on my iPhone. She didn't notice so I was able to capture most of it.  I have never done this before, but I have put up with this craziness for many years and I wanted her to see her own behaviour as she tends to block out her misdemeanours and change the story of what happened in her mind. Anyway, I then showed the recorded video to her the next day after she had calmed down.  Even after watching she didn't see it as abusive and accused me of baiting her. Although she admitted she got too angry, she dismissed her being totally responsible for her behaviour.

I can see why therapists will often advise anyone who discovers they're dating a BPD - to RUN! The main obstacle to their healing I have come to understand is that they don't see they have enough of an issue to try and change. They see the problem being outside of themselves. and convincing them that the problem is inside of them is too much for them to bear. My partner says she knows it's her, and can intellectualise the concept but I am not convince she really believe it's her problem.

She has been seeing a therapist since November 2014, however the change is minimal. I am wondering if the therapist is the wrong one or she doesn't really want to change. The very fact she got drunk on mother's day and then when everyone had left started abusing me for putting the roast on 30 minutes late. But I had also been getting, fuel, gas, getting stuff for the car that morning. She was too drunk to have a sensible conversation with her son her doesn't live with us, so I stayed outside washing the car and avoided the situation and then she attacked me for not spending time with her son. But we had already caught up and chatted before she arrived home and during mothers day lunch.

Anyway I have asked that she show the video to her therapist and get her input on this.

All these years I gauged how much I was to blame by how angry she got and the more angry she got the more guilt I  felt. Understanding this makes me realise that I have many dependency issues, carried over from my ex-cult days, otherwise I would not be in this relationship.

I feel so bonded to this woman, I do care about her so much. The thought of leaving her makes me feel so guilty, and I am afraid she would fall apart. But she has really treated me badly at times. Then at other times she has been incredibly thoughtful and giving. She is great with buying things for others, gifts etc.

I am the pleaser in this relationship and that is because I am trying to fill my lack of self love with service to others. Is there some tools that anyone can suggest for helping a co-dependent to stop feeling guilty and start living ?

[Notwendy]

IMHO it takes more than tools. I was advised to join a 12 step codependency group. I did the whole thing - the steps, a sponsor, meetings and still go. Although I had personal T to deal with how I was raised and my marital issues, the 12 steps were the best thing I ever did, in part, because I had a sponsor who held my feet to the fire, and the support of an entire group.

I also think the steps are brilliant. Some people have issues with the religious tone but it really is about making it personally yours no matter what your beliefs are. The idea of a higher power, God for some, is helpful in our ability to let go of control. Co dependents are controlling. We people please to get others to like us. Others have to have the choice to like us. We also need to learn to love ourselves and stop trying to win the approval of others.

[an0ught]

Hi simonsays,

I am the pleaser in this relationship and that is because I am trying to fill my lack of self love with service to others. Is there some tools that anyone can suggest for helping a co-dependent to stop feeling guilty and start living ?

I suspect it takes a while to work you through this - there is not a single measure that will fix it. Similar to BPD I think co-dependency is multi-factorial, there is no single switch and each factor needs identification and tackling.

A good first step will be getting a grip on boundaries. Getting a few in place will give you breathing space. Working through the emotions in the boundary setting process may give you also some ideas where to think deeper on what makes you do the things you do.

,

a0