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Author Topic: My first..and last facebook post  (Read 472 times)
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« on: May 11, 2015, 09:12:04 AM »



So... .overall... .I had a really good mothers day weekend.  My wife enjoys camping.  Getting a bunch of cousins together and letting kids romp and have a great time. 

We've been planning the weekend for a while... .and it went of really well... .I think. 

She seemed to think so as well.

Not much connectivity up there... .so... .it was nice to be with her... .and not her phone and facebook account. 

So... .we stop by some of her relatives... .and she is totally engrossed in facebook for a while.  Pretty much ignoring everyone that is right there.

I don't have a facebook account... .have peeked over her shoulder once or twice... .that's about it.

Anyway... .she hands me her phone and says it is ready for me to leave a message... .I'm confused.  Put phone down... .look around a bit on facebook. 

Ask her if it is on "her" account.  She says yes... .all the posts are about someone else... .I ask if I can see her page... .looking to see what people have said... .if anything to her about mothers day.

Anyway... .she finally gets to the view I was thinking of... .it appears she has been talking about recipes or something.

She seems adamant that I make a post about mothers day.

So... .I make an entry... .that shows up as from her... .I put in there that this is FF... .wishing her a happy mothers day with exclamations.  That we enjoyed a big family camping thing... .and that I loved her very much... .and end it with Love, FF

I sat the phone down.  She comes and gets in in a few and looks at it for a bit.

Tells me... ."I've got a lot to learn about facebook... ."

I think I said "oh"

Then she says... ."I'll show you what you are up against... ."

She fumbles around with phone for 5-10 minutes... .no kidding... .it was that long.

Finally says she can't find it.

Then she types furiously for a while... .

Hands me the phone and says "I helped you out a little bit... ."  The post doubled or tripled in size... .lots of stuff about best mom and wife in the world... .

I didn't read the entire thing... .

I put phone down and went outside to help finish packing van... .to get ready to go.

She never mentioned it again... .I certainly am not either.

I suspect it was a way to try and trigger me into complaining about changing my words... .or arguing about facebook.

My wife has announced in counseling before that she and I have "facebook" issues... .

I generally don't say much when she wants to rant about what people are saying on facebook... .if it gets bothersome I'll go somewhere else.

So... .this one is behind me... .but if I'm ever asked to post again... .I need to understand what to say.

Hoping you guys can help me.

I don't hate facebook... .I don't like it either.  I don't have time for it... .consider r/s to be an in person thing.

The most serious "digital" r/s's that I have... .are on here.  Other than bpdfamily.

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« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2015, 09:15:35 AM »

 

If she had left it alone... .I might... .maybe... .have done it in the future.

The words are hers... .but presented to the world as mine.  I don't like the deception... .

I don't particularly like sharing my r/s with my wife with rest of world... .part of my issue with facebook.  I'm not ashamed at all... .just private.  My impression of most stuff on facebook is TMI... .(waaaay too much info)

So... .next time she hands me the phone... .

Do I offer to send her a nice email?  Do I say... ."I don't have a facebook account... ."

Hmmm.


FF
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« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2015, 09:34:35 AM »

All I can say is that Facebook is a non-issue in our family... .my Facebook is my own account, and I have a personal policy of not commenting on political postings or many "social" issue postings.  I make minimal postings about such things as Mother's Day or anniversaries or birthdays, compared to some of the over-the-top, flowery stuff you see.

The primary reason is that my husband has to report any social media usage to his firm due to SEC regulations (his post-military job is in investments), so while he has a minimal LinkedIn profile, he has nothing to do with Facebook whatsoever.  I'm the one connected to his family's site for reunion info and updates, etc.  He has no interest in it at all -- again, not just a business policy but a personal policy as well.
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« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2015, 09:41:57 AM »

Facebook+ BPD = BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

I feel like my wife cheats on me with facebook.   I'd say she pends 3 hours a day on it, scrolling through whatever.  Her phone buzzes with a facebook message, and she has to check immediately.  Even in the middle of sex.  We go to the store, and I get out and am ready to walk in, she's in the passenger's seat typing away on a text message or facebook.  And she gets mad at me if I get out of the car while she is still in there, on facebook.

I hate facebook so much that I even printed a t-shirt that says "I am not on facebook".  I tell my wife that I am a public official, and some members of the public may use things from facebook against me (it's partially true - I have received some angry and threatening phone calls and letters at work).  That's why I tell her no facebook for me.
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« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2015, 10:08:02 AM »

Then she says... ."I'll show you what you are up against... ."

This is what struck me... .In one way another (TV, Movies, books, the mall) I hear about the endless 'options' I have that she has to compete with... .

On Mother's day all sorts of issues came out, because my uBPDw is not the mother of my S. 

While her words were what 'you' are up against, if my w said that I'd assume she's telling me what 'she' is competing with... .
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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2015, 12:12:32 PM »

Facebook+ BPD = BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

Agree that FB and BPD traits do not go well. uBPDw gave up FB cold turkey a year back, and although there were only a few incidents between us that arose from FB, I can say that I've enjoyed the fact that she isn't on there now. One less thing to worry about in the eggshell walking business. Consider Instagram as a workable alternative btw : it tends to encourage a style with fewer posts and less emphasis on comments and words in general (obviously since it is a picture sharing service).

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« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2015, 04:07:57 PM »

Oh boy, Facebook is full of drama. One of the best things about Facebook is that you can build a false persona and interact with people- if someone is interested in doing that. Someone with BPD might like that. However, there are plenty of people who are on it to keep in touch with people.

That said, I love FB and spend probably too much time on it. My H hates it when I am on FB, for the expected reasons- it takes my attention off him, and I interact with other people on it.

That said, I am not playing a false role. I also have strict boundaries: no drama, no too personal info-no politics- with the exceptions of a few friendly exchanges that inevitably can go bad so I get out of them before that happens. Why am I on FB? It's a social outlet for me, and over the years, our friend group has diminished because of the issues with being married to someone who is jealous of my outside friends. While I fight it in real life, I feel as if I were to give up FB, my H would be so so happy to know I was not interacting with others who he may feel threatened by. However, I know there is no threat to my marriage on FB and giving it up would be giving up a way that I interact with people. I enjoy keeping up with friends and family who don't live near me.

No private chats with men- unless they are related to me or it is something specific and safe to say in which case I don't prolong it. No exes from serious relationships. Posts these days are pretty much about my friends' kids' graduations, weddings, someone's grandchildren. It is fun for me since many of them live far away and so I get to keep up this way.

I think what happens on Facebook depends on the person on Facebook.
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« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2015, 04:25:52 PM »

 

I'm not bashing facebook... .it's just not for me.

the way it plays out in my r/s... .not good.

If your hubby asked you out... .would you go with him... .and stay on the phone the entire time?

FF
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« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2015, 04:26:02 PM »

So... .next time she hands me the phone... .

Hi FF,

Here is my two cents from my comfy chair not in the real world where things are happening live.

You're wife is pretty darn good at manipulating you to get what she wants.   You, maybe, aren't so tremendously stellar good at avoiding and evading manipulation.  Probably cause you are just a straight forward see the hill take the hill kind of guy.

Facebook+ BPD = BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

Yeah Facebook is nirvana for pwBPD.   You can be anything you want,  you can be perfect and shiny, your words, thoughts images and ideas can be crafted, you can indulge in all sorts of emotional repertoire while being one step removed from it and hence safe.  Even the tragedies come in 2 minute and 30 second sound bursts so they aren't overwhelming.  You can play all sorts of games that provide all sorts of vicarious pleasure.  

Excerpt
Then she says... ."I'll show you what you are up against... ."

So she saw somebodies post who had a great mother's day message and her need/desire/want was to have one better.  

and you became the object to fulfill that need.    with out a lot of concern about how you felt about face book or the fact that you  

Excerpt
don't particularly like sharing my r/s with my wife with rest of world... .part of my issue with facebook.  I'm not ashamed at all... .just private.  My impression of most stuff on facebook is TMI... .(waaaay too much info)

I will wave a Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) here.   To me right from the get go this one stinks.   Especially if she has

Excerpt
My wife has announced in counseling before that she and I have "facebook" issues... .

I don't think this was about you at all FF, I think this was her need to look wonderful to the world.  And then she spruced up the job you did so she really looked wonderful.  

Here is my two cents from a duck who is often baffled.  If she won't take your desires/wishes into account you need to enforce them gently but firmly.

The "T" in SET is truth.  My truth.  I need to own it and live it.   So the next time the cell phone comes my way to post on Facebook, I say," I know you really enjoy Facebook.   I know you wished I shared that with you.  Truth is I don't like Facebook and don't want to look at it. "  

If it still comes my way I say, "I understand that XYZ is happening, to me that feels like over sharing of information (which is a characteristic of BPD right?) and I don't want to participate."

If it still comes my way I say "No".

Yes she might rage but it's my boundary, and if she keeps manipulating my boundaries and if I keep caving on them, I will just end up stuffing my frustration until one day I blow.

'ducks  




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« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2015, 04:53:07 PM »

No, FF, as a general rule I would not stay on the phone if my hubby asked me out.

With one exception. My H doesn't like to talk. Sometimes meal times consist of him eating and me listening to him chew. Really. He may not say much of anything. Or he will turn on his favorite radio show and listen to it. He doesn't want to necessarily talk to me, but he does want my company. So I sometimes sit there in silence. Or he likes me to talk but not say much back.

Sometimes he complains that I talk too much. FB lets me do this and not annoy him.

I used to ask him if he would talk to me and his reply " I do talk to you" or "why do we have to talk" .

So, if this is the case, honestly, I can only take so much of it. If he's listening to the radio, I will pick up the phone. I am a talker, and I like company. If I had to confess- when I get lonely, FB helps and sometimes my r/s can get lonely. If anything, maybe FB has saved my marriage more than it has hurt it, since I don't do unethical stuff on FB, and it meets a social need that I used to want my H to fill, but asking him to converse more usually led to him being agitated and angry.  Sometimes a friend will post an article that they found interesting, or some news, and it is interesting. I don't get involved in FB drama.
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« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2015, 05:21:25 PM »

If your hubby asked you out... .would you go with him... .and stay on the phone the entire time?

FF

Unfortunately this is the reality of Facebook, look at any group of young people in particular, Face book is like the most attractive girl in the crowd, gets more looks than anyone else... .

You problem is not Facebook it is having reality twisted in your name. Facebook is just the venue.

Treat it as a high risk venue and so stay away as you would any other place that is a high risk of a bad outcome.

You probably wouldn't want to read half of the twisted reality that gets discussed on their either.
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« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2015, 05:27:46 PM »

No, FF, as a general rule I would not stay on the phone if my hubby asked me out.

With one exception. My H doesn't like to talk. 

I totally see and agree with the way you use FB.  On occasion I will sneak a look at my phone to check gmail... .or some other detail.   

My issue is that I would like to have an active conversation with someone... .and they use the phone and facebook as a shield.

When I deem it important... .which is a lot of the time... .I will make an issue of it... .she will huff and puff and finally put the phone away.

Then... .5 to 10 minutes later when can talk... .sort of normally. 

Sometimes I have given her an option... .I would like to take her out... .without using phones or electronics... .or I would be happy to go out without her and let her do her thing.  I'm fine with either choice.

I also go out with her sometimes and just roll with it... .

Last thing I want to be is have reality be that it always has to be my way

FF
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« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2015, 05:45:31 PM »

I have a couple of thoughts.

If you don't want to be on FB, then don't. If she wants you to post on her page and you are not comfortable with it, then don't do it. If she hands you her phone again, hand it back to her and say, "No thank you." and leave it at that.

Secondly, I seriously doubt that she was trying to trigger you or draw you into an argument about FB. It was all about her looking good to the people that she is friends with on FB. Did she mention whether or not anybody commented on it or liked it? Step away from the notion that it had anything to do with  you. It was all about the likes and comments that it would garner. It was all about wanting to look like a great mother and wife to the rest of the world.

Another question/thought is "How often do you publicly compliment your wife?" I am not talking about on FB. If you are out and about and among other people, do you say nice things to her in front of others?
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« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2015, 06:01:21 PM »

Another question/thought is "How often do you publicly compliment your wife?" I am not talking about on FB. If you are out and about and among other people, do you say nice things to her in front of others?

I make it a habit... .

Especially in front of my family... .kids especially.

But... .in a group conversation... .it is a go to strategy... .find a way to talk in a positive way about my wife.

There are lots of good things to pick from.

Also... .there are periodic "facebook" issues... .she has announced we have them... .I don't get it.

So... .it may not be about "facebook issues... ."... .but I guess we are about due.

Usually there is a new nuance... .that gets me sucked in.

Last time... .she asked what I thought of a post... .she read it to me... .I commented.  It was a negative post... .I said so... .and said IMO the lady was looking to get offended... .she (my wife) danced around the living room calling me names... .hollering... .it was zero to 60 in nothing flat.

We talked about it in counseling... .and it was not based on my comments... .but on "why" she thought I was making the comments... .my thoughts and feelings... .which she had wrong.

She admitted calling me names but said I deserved it because I believed zyand z (which I don't... .)

That point got made... .she claimed I was lying about my feelings... .counselor go her calmed a bit... .but there was no resolution other than her saying we "just have facebook issues... .?    "

This was couple months ago... .

I mean... .she asked... .

FF
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« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2015, 06:36:35 PM »

That point got made... .she claimed I was lying about my feelings... .counselor go her calmed a bit... .but there was no resolution other than her saying we "just have facebook issues... .?    "

This was couple months ago... .

I mean... .she asked... .

LOL. . .Just because somebody asks a question. . .

Perhaps you need to remember this: "I plead the 5th." It is okay to say, "You know what, I am not going to answer that question."

I did that to my daughter the other night. She persisted in asking me a question that I didn't want to answer. She was trying hard to bait me. At one point, I cut her off and said, "Look, this is how the conversation is going to go. You are going to ask me the question. I am going to say NO. And you are going to say, Okay mom." She kept at it. So I got more playful and more silly but I did NOT answer the question.
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« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2015, 07:32:55 PM »

I think I can guess what your wife was wanting. Some people post things about their SO, ( which IMHO is something that I consider too personal- I keep relationships private and off Facebook) " Happy ( birthday/mothers day/anniversary) to the most wonderful SO in the world we are best friends I love you so much honey... ."

Most of my Facebook friends are all middle aged and posting pictures of their kids' weddings, graduations,some grandkids, maybe a happy anniversary/birthday to my SO post, but nobody I correspond with is posting about their personal relationships on Facebook.

If a friend of a friend posts something and a friend comments on it, I can see it. If one really wants to seek out the drama one can. But one can also choose to ignore it. If I see someone posting lots of drama, I can take it off my news feed and not see posts from that person.

I think the "I love my SO" posts could be seen as validating so it would make sense that your wife would want to be validated on Facebook -especially if she sees other posts like that- and there are plenty of them.
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« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2015, 10:41:03 PM »

I don't do FB. If someone handed me their phone and wanted me to post something on there, I'd say no. I don't do FB. It's that easy for me.

But it doesn't appear to be that easy for you. Are you OK with having her rewrite your words? Are you looking for a way to avoid posting on her account? Do you want to post on her account and take the chance that she is going to rewrite your words, or do you not want to have to post anything on her account?
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« Reply #17 on: May 12, 2015, 12:21:35 AM »

I don't do FB. If someone handed me their phone and wanted me to post something on there, I'd say no. I don't do FB. It's that easy for me.

But it doesn't appear to be that easy for you. Are you OK with having her rewrite your words? Are you looking for a way to avoid posting on her account? Do you want to post on her account and take the chance that she is going to rewrite your words, or do you not want to have to post anything on her account?

From now on... .that's my answer... .I don't do facebook.

Never crossed my mind she would rewrite something nice that I wrote. 

Never been asked to do that before... .not going to do it in the future.

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« Reply #18 on: May 12, 2015, 06:03:14 AM »

I think that's a good boundary. Don't do a social media that you don't like or feel comfortable with. FWIW, I don't do others- Twitter, instagram, snap chat. I know about them because many kids do them, but I have no interest in them. I got on FB when some of my friends who live far away from me suggested it so we could keep up with family events/photos.

I think at the heart of what your wife wanted was validation- like the " I love my SO posts" that are so frequently on FB. ( Those are not me, I would dislike a post like that as I prefer that these things are private). I admit that it is hard to see people posting their happy relationships if I am struggling with mine, but I also know the people behind the posts and they don't necessarily correlate with the happiness of the relationship.

I don't agree with what your wife did but I can understand it. My mother isn't on FB but she is not used to that kind of technology. She does want public validation that she is a good wife and mother, possibly for her self esteem and also possibly because at times she wasn't and perhaps feels at some level badly about that. I understand that it could bother her to see her friends talk about being with their kids and grandkids and she would want that too, even if her behavior with me was not always conducive to that. She likes to include me in her friend group when I visit, and it appears to her friends that we have a lovely mother-daughter bond. As  mother, I get that, even if as a daughter growing up, it wasn't so easy. My father also spoke glowingly about her in public and to her friends.

I agree with waverider- the issues isn't Facebook but the emotion underneath it. Perhaps most of the time the struggle over an issue isn't the actual issue but the emotions behind it. People bring the same feelings and wishes onto social media as they do in their lives, although social media leaves room for more potential distortions. Your wife wanted public validation that she is loved and valued as a mother. I have no doubt that you let her know this at home, but maybe people with poor self images can't get enough of it.

Maybe this: Honey, I don't do social media, but I appreciate you as a wife and mother, Happy Mother's Day.

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« Reply #19 on: May 12, 2015, 06:45:23 AM »

Maybe this: Honey, I don't do social media, but I appreciate you as a wife and mother, Happy Mother's Day.

That's probably the key... .do decline with praise in it... .and no explanation... .just that I don't do it.

FF
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« Reply #20 on: May 12, 2015, 01:45:29 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I like notwendy's idea--she is fishing for praise (on social media). Deal with the fishing for praise the way you want to deal with it, but keep it off the social media because that isn't how you do things.

If you don't want to do social media (Facebook, twitter, instagram, linkedin, pinterest, google plus, etc., etc., etc.) then don't do it.

Firm boundary: "I'm not doing social media."

Another firm boundary: "If I decide to do social media someday, I need time to understand it on my own."

FYI, if you DO start doing social media... .don't do it using her account; create your own account, and make it as private as your own email account is. There is more than one way to use social media, and I get a lot of use out of mine, mostly because my friends are scattered across the globe and it makes staying in touch easier for me. Plus my wife doesn't put much drama on there. (whew!) I doubt you are going to be so lucky.

Perhaps gushing about her on mother's day on her FB account once isn't a battle you want to choose; if it comes up more often... .you will have to choose it.

Second thought... .if you are still looking for work, you might want to create a linkedin account for yourself... .and give your wife zero involvement.
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« Reply #21 on: May 12, 2015, 03:19:59 PM »

Hi FF,

regarding your first post….I had a similar incident with FB on mother's day. Things going along nice all day. We went to my mother in laws. My wife was sending out her mothers day wishes on FB to all of here friends as well as receiving happy mothers day wishes back. She is sitting talking with her mother while on her phone but I wasn't paying attention because I was watching something on TV.

I heard my text alert go off on my phone. I thought it was my son responding to a text message. My wife texted me "thanks for the beautiful mother's day tribute to me on Facebook"

I ignored her….then she did send me a text apologizing…sorry I went there, my feelings got hurt.

BUT later she still wanted me to put something on. I kind of avoided it and she said at this point it would just be fake.

I could go into all that I did to make a trip possible to go see her mother on here but…I had to let her know her mothers day gift was taking her to see her mother. She lives two states away about a seven hour trip. It was a let minute request from my wife. She did appreciate the trip though.

anyway….that was just a small sample of other things that went on this past weekend. think I am going to create a topic on a couple.

It seems like lately if I just stand my ground on some things she "let's them go"

It doesn't matter how well I learn how to communicate and deal with the issues it is just mentally exhausting and I think to myself, life is too short for this. So much wasted time and emotions.
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Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

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Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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