My BPD BF and I want serious help to work out our relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BF has BPD (never formally diagnosed) but from all the info. I've read and him as well it's pretty apparent he's got all the symptoms of it (except luckily cutting/suicide attempts from what I know - unless he's kept them hidden).  It's been a strain on our relationship from day 1 - especially the cheating (whether just talking to other women on social media, or actually having real affairs which are a less likely but still occur), anger issues, alcohol/drug dependency, unfocused, can't hold down a job, the financial issues (never can hold onto money), relationship issues (friends/family), etc.  But, when he's not like this he's the most sweet and loving person there is.  I'm in therapy but my therapist doesn't really understand and just wants me to run away.  As do some of my friends.  I don't tell my family and most of my other friends for fear of what they would really think of him.  He's done some horrific things to me and I know no one would approve of him.  One of the best aspects of our relationship actually is our sex life - we are really close in that manner and it's so amazing. 

We have issues where we fight all the time and now I just done know how to communicate with him.  I have so much resentment because of the cheating and because I pay for all the bills (since he can never hold down a job) that I feel he walks all over me.  I know that he's not doing this on purpose and he's really trying to work but his illness is a stumbling block for him.  I need help in how to deal with this so we can be happy together.  He went to therapy once and is going back tomorrow.  The therapist does specialize in BPD and anger management and dependency issues.  My bf says he's committed to changing his life as he cannot live like this anymore and wants to be with me.  He doesn't want to lose me.  The last time we had a major brawl I kicked him out of our apartment and he had to get a new one but now I've let him come back becuase I new he was committed to changing his life.  I feel like I'm part of the problem so I want to know what I can do to fix this too.  My therapist doesn't really understand.  How can I help so I can be with him forever.

[chase19]

My BF has BPD (never formally diagnosed) but from all the info. I've read and him as well it's pretty apparent he's got all the symptoms of it (except luckily cutting/suicide attempts from what I know - unless he's kept them hidden).  It's been a strain on our relationship from day 1 - especially the cheating (whether just talking to other women on social media, or actually having real affairs which are a less likely but still occur), anger issues, alcohol/drug dependency, unfocused, can't hold down a job, the financial issues (never can hold onto money), relationship issues (friends/family), etc.  But, when he's not like this he's the most sweet and loving person there is.  I'm in therapy but my therapist doesn't really understand and just wants me to run away.  As do some of my friends.  I don't tell my family and most of my other friends for fear of what they would really think of him.  He's done some horrific things to me and I know no one would approve of him.  One of the best aspects of our relationship actually is our sex life - we are really close in that manner and it's so amazing. 

We have issues where we fight all the time and now I just done know how to communicate with him.  I have so much resentment because of the cheating and because I pay for all the bills (since he can never hold down a job) that I feel he walks all over me.  I know that he's not doing this on purpose and he's really trying to work but his illness is a stumbling block for him.  I need help in how to deal with this so we can be happy together.  He went to therapy once and is going back tomorrow.  The therapist does specialize in BPD and anger management and dependency issues.  My bf says he's committed to changing his life as he cannot live like this anymore and wants to be with me.  He doesn't want to lose me.  The last time we had a major brawl I kicked him out of our apartment and he had to get a new one but now I've let him come back becuase I new he was committed to changing his life.  I feel like I'm part of the problem so I want to know what I can do to fix this too.  My therapist doesn't really understand.  How can I help so I can be with him forever.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Hi chase19 glad you found us

You have a difficult path in front of you and its is admirable that you still think like a team.

Having to deal with endless run messages is very hard, here on the Staying Board we have a policy of not making this recommendation. Though you will be asked hard questions about why you are doing it. This is necessary as you need to find that real answer within yourself in order to make it a choice action rather than a default, or even wishful thinking.

You will find most of the advice will be about changing YOU. This is because changing you is the one thing you can control. Part of changing you is learning how better to support him so that he can move forward towards making his own changes, you can't do it for him.

Read through the lessons in the menu on the right>> They sort useful articles into a logical sequence

All the best with you efforts, we are ere for you

Waverider

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Chase19,

I would like to join Waverider and welcome you.

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how difficult and upsetting it is coping with a wide range of hurtful behaviors.

I understand that no one seems to understand your relationship with your person with BPD (pwBPD). I have heard the same things from my family, friends, and therapist. The behavior of pwBPD can be confusing and contradictory.  Learning about BPD really helps understanding the origin of the behavior.  Take a look at this article.

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

It is great that your pwBPD is going to therapy. Therapy really helps pwBPD to learn to cope with their maladaptive behaviors. There are different types of treatment/therapy that are effective for pwBPD, such as DBT, CBT, Schema, and Psychodynamic.  Do you know what type of therapy he is going to be attending?

There are fantastic resources here and there are many people who understand and are going through similar situations. Keep posting, it really helps.