Adding Mothers Day to the list of bad holidays

[Hmcbart]

First it was our anniversary, then Valentines Day, now I'm adding Mothers Day to the list.

I will step up and say right off the bat... .I was triggered on Friday.

My wife decided to over commit her time to several volunteer activities this past week. When she couldn't complete the things that needed to be done, she asked me to step in and help. I did do, because I'm a nice guy (or sucker).

After helping her complete the things she needed, I had very little time for my own tasks, which includes and actual job. Our sons are in cub scouts and this weekend was the last camp out for the regular year (I didn't choose Mother's Day, it just landed there).

So Friday, I'm already under pressure and running behind. I have her telling me how I've been working against her all week. She would ask me questions, I would give and answer, then she would change the question because she didn't like the answer. I was very frustrated to say the least.

By 7:00 pm Friday, I was planning to have the tent set up before dark, we were still over an hour away from even leaving the house. I finally blow a gasket when she told me that I was working against her again.

I came home and didn't acknowledge that she and the boys had loaded the car. I should have but was too busy trying to get everything else I needed to do completed. I'm in charge of the whole Cub Scout pack and had a lot of other things going on.

She decided that even that she was t going to be camping with the boys and I because she didn't want to be around me. I got to deal with a lot of silent treatment for Saturday and eventually Sunday.

I reminded everyone Saturday night that Sunday was Mother's Day. She actually camped Saturday night. Sunday morning, I got up to start setting up breakfast and making coffee. She came up about an hour later and was upset that I didn't say Happy Mother's Day or remind the boys to do it.

I had actually planned to have everything for her for Mother's Day the Friday before but got busy doing her stuff.

She came to me later Sunday morning asking if we were done and did she need to move into the Boys bedroom until we figured something else out. I just got up and walked away.

After getting home she wanted to talk about it before unpacking. I listened to her explain how I ruined a day that was for her as a mother.

I asked her how this was any different than our 15th and 16th anniversaries when she scheduled her self to volunteer at the school all day and never bothered to even get me a card say happy anniversary. It wasn't about not getting a gift, just the thought behind it. So no gift or card really meant no thought.

She said that was two years ago and not relavent. I told her I agreed and went on to remind her of this past Valentine's Day.

The conversation turned at that point as it always does when she actually realizes what she has done. She decided to switch to criticism for the way I choose to handle the scouts crossover ceremony.  I got up and walk away to in pack.

I know I broke very rule in the book. I got triggered, I got upset, and I JADED.

I feel like I have to be on guard every minute of very day. I do not get a free pass in anything I say or do. She can do what ever she wants and say what ever she wants and will justify it by projection or some other means. If I slip up and get angry or frustrated and say something, I get all the heat that comes along with it.

The double standard is just staggering.

Ok, I'm sorry for venting, I just had to find a way to get it out of my head for a bit.

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[Ceruleanblue]

Well, at least you acknowledged that you could have or should have gotten her Mother's Day things on Friday. To me, as a wife and Mother, it hurt that BPDh found time to do and buy things for himself, but my day was basically showing me what little regard he has for ME. To me, it was a microcosm of what our lives are: all about HIM.

It's not right that your wife forgot your anniversary of course, but what I always ask myself is "do I want to act in the same selfish ways he does?", and my answer is no. Father's Day will roll around, and I'll still make it nice for him, just because I'd never want to be as unfeeling and callous, and selfish/self centered as he can be. It's basically a case of "two wrongs, don't make a right". Now, I probably won't go as all out as I'd planned, but he'll get a card and gift, and I'll make him a nice dinner. I won't do to him what he did to me: forget to say "happy Mother's Day, forget his usual small token gift, and buy himself expensive motorcycle gear ON Mother's Day, and end the day at the theater watching a Sci Fi movie he wanted to see, knowing I hate sci fi.

Even if your wife has BPD, I can see why she was hurt. You admit you were triggered. Can you somehow make it up to her? I know people with BPD can be totally selfish, and I live with almost daily dsyregulations, but BPDh still has feelings. BPD is after all an emotional regulations disorder. I've found that BPDh mostly gets hurt by his kids, and my hurt, or hurting ME doesn't really bother him. I'm still careful of his feelings though, because he definitely twists everything I say or do to make it a negative.

And no, those of us living with a BPD partner definitely don't get a break for holidays. We are held to higher standards by them, we will always have the huge double standards. It's fine with her if she forgot your anniversary, but she is hurt when it is done to her. If I were you, I'd try to make it up to her. Even without BPD being a factor, I think in marriage, forgetting bdays, anniversaries and special holidays is hurtful.

And don't beat yourself up for JADE-ing. It's hard, and we all slip up

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for the reply. I do plan to make it up to her. I just have to wait until things die down a bit. I have learned over the years that what I do while she sees me as evil doesn't help. Even if I do something nice, it only makes it worse.

Sadly I've been evil in her mind since the week before her birthday in April. I still went all out for her birthday like I always do. It's usually the same with Mother's Day. I just had some fires going on at work and when I was home she needed my help with everything she was doing. I really didn't have much time for anything.

I felt like I was set up to fail. She has been trying to find ways to keep me the evil one since I told her we needed to go back to MC. She threw out as many obstacles as she could come up with to avoid it without just outright say "no". I cleared every obstacle she put up. I think that has something to do with it.

But even though I don't feel like I should go out of my way to make it up to her, I know I will.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, when you are painted black, it's hard for them to see any good, even things you do with totally good intentions. I've often been amazed how truly kind, nice, good things I do with a pure heart, can be twisted to make them into something negative in BPDh's eyes. It doesn't make you feel like doing selfless things anymore, I sure know that. I've done lots of things that are hard for me, only to get ZERO appreciation or acknowledgement. It's like they don't get the good in/good out, concept.

I often try to inject humor, but I've had that fall flat too. It's just hard to know how they'll react on any given day, or time within that day.

All you can do is try, and when you know that you tried to make it up to her, that is all you can do. The rest is on her: she can stay mad, or get glad. That is a quote passed down from my Grandmother, and I just love it.

[Hmcbart]

I like the quote.

My therapist says the same thing about doing my best and if she stays mad its on her.

I'm the biggest variable in this equation. I've had 20 years of training from her to make me believe it's all my fault. I have always taken ownership of all the problems we have ever had. For years I have even believed I was the cause 100% of the time. I have only recently begun to retrain myself to believe the actual truth.

It's very difficult most days.  It's especially hard if it's something I want or need from her. That's when I get the whole, I'm not in the mood now because of how you treated me last week, last month, last whenever. Too many hurdles to clear only to have one slip of the tongue reset my race back to start. It never ends.

I'm so conditioned to this now, a normal person would think I'm the one with a PD. I'd just like to have something happen where she offers a little affection or even apologizes for something she's said or done. Life's not fair but this is getting ridiculous. 

[formflier]

 

 

What would have happened if you had declined to assist her in her volunteer activities?

FF

[Hmcbart]

 

What would have happened if you had declined to assist her in her volunteer activities?

FF

The exact same thing most likely. She needed a person to be evil and I drew the short straw, as usual. Big projects that are accepted mean there is an even bigger chance she will not live up to her own standards. At this point she needs someone to take responsibility for it so she can blame the outcome on them/me. 

Saying no, even tactfully doesn't matter. Even when the reason for it is completely valid. No means, I hate you and don't want to help you with anything... .ever.

She's making sure I understand she is not happy at the moment. Taking her little shots to break my self esteem and self confidence. It usually works or at least I get triggered. I'm focused on ignoring her comments right now.

All last week she would ask my advice on something and then change her mind and her questions when I gave it. A few minutes ago she aske my advice and I gave her an answer. When she started to second guess me I told her, no, this is what we are doing. She asked why and I just said because it's the way it needs to be done.

I know she will fire a few more shots because of this but oh well. I'm all out of f@&$'s to give. Maybe tomorrow I'll have some more.

[formflier]

 

Exactly what I thought would have happened... .

So... .if you could turn back time... .(yep... .sing the song in your head... .)

What would you do differently?

FF

[jcarter4856]

Yeah lots of this kind of thing in my last couple decades, although thankfully mothers' day doesn't seem to merit much stress around here compared with the major BPD holidays and high days. I've had to learn a bunch of tricks for heading off this kind of double-bind: plan ahead in great detail (totally against my nature, so takes some resolve). Then with a looming situation like you described -- say "hey what's on the schedule for Friday?" (say this on Monday). She'll probably say "oh, nothing much". Then you say "ok good because I have some must-do tasks for Friday and I wanted to be super-sure that me doing those wouldn't mess up any plans you have already made". Then on Wednesday confirm : "hey, what's on the plan for Friday?" (don't mention having already discussed it -- that will have been forgotten). Again state that you're going to be tied up doing important stuff that can't be pushed back. Then finally, when she shows up on Friday with two-days worth of tasks for you to do you can say "gosh dang, I'd love to do all that for you but you know I have all my tasks that I planned a week ago to do today and heck I just can't delay them, sorry <big smile>". Note that if you don't do all the ground work, but instead say "Oh, can't help because I need to work on Mothers' Day stuff", you have lost because she will either say "you don't need to bother yourself doing anything for Mothers' Day" (pout... .) or, "you're such a #@^#&^ procrastonator, you should have done that earlier in the week... .".

All of the above has to be repeated for every important task in your schedule and so becomes exhausting (plus as you point out there is actual WORK to do in addition!), but I've had great success with it.

[formflier]

   

Nice work!

FF

[Hmcbart]

J,

  I like the idea. But as you say it will take a lot of resolve to stick to it. If I had that much ability to plan ahead, I'd probably be a doctor or lawyer and in shape 

Not looking for any excuse on my part, other than laziness but my ADD kicks in and I'm off chasing shiny things.

That said, I will try to focus more on planing ahead. The funny thing is, twice now she had blown up at me and one time I was triggered by her. After I blow up, she seems to calm down. I've read other posts were people have said that once they get you to do this, they are better.

I guess they expect you to blow up and say something, so when you don't it's not logical to them. They need to keep going until they can feel validated. They get to say, "I told you, you think I'm a bad person. This just confirms what I already knew".

It was either that or the fact that she needed my help on something she was doing for the school... .the jury is still out on that one, but I'll be able to tell in a few days.

[formflier]

  twice now she had blown up at me and one time I was triggered by her. After I blow up, she seems to calm down. I've read other posts were people have said that once they get you to do this, they are better.

I guess they expect you to blow up and say something, so when you don't it's not logical to them. They need to keep going until they can feel validated. They get to say, "I told you, you think I'm a bad person. This just confirms what I already knew".

Close... .

IMO... .they feel better because they "got" the part of the dysfunctional dance that they were looking for.  This has slowly built up over time... .it's what they are used to.

Doesn't mean you started this... .or caused it... .but at some point in your r/s... .you (and the rest of the nons on here)  started providing what the pwBPD traits were looking for. 

They got better... .had a good period... .so... .they try again.  The nons remember the good period... .so... .they do their part of the dance again to get back to that.  And... .you know what... .it works... .and keeps working... .except it is dysfunctional and not emotionally healthy.

One day... .most nons wake up... .and wonder what is going on... .realize they don't like this and try to do something different.  We are more emotionally healthy... .and emotionally flexible... .so different works for us.

It doesn't for pwBPD traits... .they try to bring us back... .to the dysfunction they are happy with... .we resist... .

Note:  Most likely they are not consciously thinking this through... .

Can you think back to your history... .and see a pattern similar to this?

prescription:

First... .learn what are emotionally healthy choices

Second... .consistently keep making those... .because your task is now to be part of a support system that retrains our partners how to dance... .

Last:  realize we can't do it all on our own... .

Thoughts?

FF

[Hmcbart]

Can you think back to your history... .and see a pattern similar to this?

Yes. That what's been going on in my head since I "woke up" to reality. The good days can't last because of her self fulfilling prophecy that nothing good lasts. Then the cause of the change from happy to angry is projected onto me.

It's a reverse two step dance, one step forward and two steps back.

Thoughts?

FF

It's a daunting task. Retraining my self is difficult after 20 years. Retraining someone who has these feelings ingrained within their heart and mind for 35+ years... .I would almost rather be tasked with rolling a boulder up a hill for eternity.

[jcarter4856]

That said, I will try to focus more on planing ahead. The funny thing is, twice now she had blown up at me and one time I was triggered by her. After I blow up, she seems to calm down. I've read other posts were people have said that once they get you to do this, they are better.

I guess they expect you to blow up and say something, so when you don't it's not logical to them. They need to keep going until they can feel validated. They get to say, "I told you, you think I'm a bad person. This just confirms what I already knew".

I think there are two different modes to this: the first is when they make some snarky rude demeaning comment to you in an otherwise calm time. In that case you need to be very careful not to take the rise and respond in kind. It took me years to get to the point where I was usually controlled in these situations. If you don't remain calm then it looks like you became a nasty jerk out of nowhere because the pwBPD has no notion that they were just very rude to you. They don't connect your behavior to their recent behavior. Conversely, in a situation where they are already in a full-blown rage, I have found that it is useful to almost inflate my indignant responses, get more angry and defensive than I might normally. Either they are looking for a strong response, or they realize a little that their actions are not justified based on your strong reaction. I'm not sure which it is. I think this is the case you're asking about above though.

[Hmcbart]

i am learning not to get upset by her comments. Some are just down right mean and really get to me. I have gone a while after some comments and even managed a time or two to forget about it. But the ones that cut deep, even after giving my self time to calm down, I still end up exploding.

I really hate that part of me. I've never been a mean person or really had much of a temper. It's mostly been in the last few years. Even if I've had a bit to drink, I don't get angry or lose my cool.

Maybe it's pre-menopause that's causing her to become more hateful, I don't know. When she tries to compare me to some other guy we may know, especially if it's something that I don't do as well as she would like me to. Like planing way in advance for things.

I guess that could be jealousy on my part that she would think and say something negatively about me but positively about them. That's happened a lot lately. Pretty sure she knows she's doing it to be mean to me for some perceived slight I've done to her.

But my inflated responses can get very ugly and I try not to get to that point. I know she says things that are just as hurtful but I can take it to a much higher level once I'm triggered. Kind of like the Hulk but without the physical damage.