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Author Topic: Do NON BPDs believe BPDs cant help their emotions?  (Read 363 times)
jcl76

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« on: May 11, 2015, 02:53:25 PM »

This is somewhat a update to my previous post. I kept doing the push and pull game and was cordial moving on after my ex was dating someone for a little bit, while we were still talking. I said we need a break and she agreed, and said she just needed time and adored me and wants me to be happy. Well, that should have been a great feeling right?

So here is how it ended. About 6 hrs later it hit me and I started to resent her from moving on with another guy and my rejection turned to hurt and I text her letting her know she hurt me for moving on so fast, and that she was never serious about us, etc. I said mean things. I instantly regretted it. My emotions spun so far out in emotiotional mind so fast that that I COULD NOT get back. I knew what I was doing, and just couldnt stop! I knew I would drive the nail in the coffin and I did it anyway. This came after a week of reading, studying mindfullness, letting go. I was working all the time on myself. Still I couldnt not help it.

Does anyone believe this happens? I still say as much as a non BPD cant fully grasp what its like. Its very painful knowing we hurt the ones we love, and the regret can be even harder.
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misuniadziubek
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Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
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« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2015, 03:47:52 PM »

With regards to your anecdote, I can understand that you did everything you could with mindfulness, reading and letting go, but were you actually dealing with your emotions?

Feeling that anger and resentment is perfectly normal. It's your emotion. You are allowed to experience it. How you express it is a bit of a different story.

Maybe a week isn't really enough. Sometimes it's just long enough for the really terrifying feelings to come out. And then you are more vulnerable to outburst than before.

My question for you is, if you were in a similar situation, would you act any differently? Do you know any healthy coping mechanism you could enact instead of texting your ex?

I don't really understand your question though, in the context of what you are saying.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2015, 03:53:49 PM »

Well, I think there may be some with BPD that truly can't control their emotional dysregulation, but I personally feel my BPDh can control it way better than he does. His T pretty much told him this not long ago. He said it sort of offhand, but it really caught my attention because I've been saying this all along. He does manage to control it in certain circumstances. I mean, he's made enemies at past jobs, but right now, he's getting along with his new boss, it's only the guys he manages who seem to hate him.

I'd be MUCH happier if my BPDh ever truly expressed regret or remorse after he does deliberately hurtful things. I get that he has impulse control, and that he has trouble with dysregulated emotions, but once he's calmed down, why can't he express remorse? That bothers me a whole lot. I think some people with BPD are able to express remorse after, I just wish my BPDh was one of them. Sometimes, the longer it gets in the past, he even rewrites history, and some of his physical abuse of me became "my fault". Yeah, I don't think so!
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jcl76

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« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2015, 04:09:29 PM »

I was reading my DBT manual and was focusing on just allowing whatever it is to be. Not attaching, etc. I was actually doing very well but should have never agreed to see her 3 days before. We had a great time. She told me to be patient with her. I listened and simply said ok, I accepted the answer and didnt analyze it. I problem was when she she started to pull apart and move on is when I want to cling on! I am tired of hurting her. Its been 6 days since we text and the last day I did was the day I saw my therapist, but yes I am overwhelmed with remorse and regret.

With regards to your anecdote, I can understand that you did everything you could with mindfulness, reading and letting go, but were you actually dealing with your emotions?

Feeling that anger and resentment is perfectly normal. It's your emotion. You are allowed to experience it. How you express it is a bit of a different story.

Maybe a week isn't really enough. Sometimes it's just long enough for the really terrifying feelings to come out. And then you are more vulnerable to outburst than before.

My question for you is, if you were in a similar situation, would you act any differently? Do you know any healthy coping mechanism you could enact instead of texting your ex?

I don't really understand your question though, in the context of what you are saying.

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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2015, 04:29:40 PM »

Don't be hard on yourself. It can take awhile to master mindfulness. I have been doing mindfulness for 5 months and can still struggle with getting into wisemind.

I think most people can relate to being upset that we can hurt people. No one is perfect jcl76, and we all have said hurtful things to another at point in our lives. Even non-BPD people can get angry and say or do things in the heat of the moment.

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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
jcl76

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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2015, 04:37:16 PM »

Thank you for the support. I am working hard at it.

Don't be hard on yourself. It can take awhile to master mindfulness. I have been doing mindfulness for 5 months and can still struggle with getting into wisemind.

I think most people can relate to being upset that we can hurt people. No one is perfect jcl76, and we all have said hurtful things to another at point in our lives. Even non-BPD people can get angry and say or do things in the heat of the moment.

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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2015, 05:26:52 PM »

You were emotionally hurt to the point of dysregulation. It happens to everyone, it just happens quicker and more often with a pwBPD.

If anything it demonstrates to you that there is little point drying to reason with someone in the middle of a dysregulation, that person can't even listen to their own wisemind
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
misuniadziubek
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« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2015, 06:26:26 PM »

You were emotionally hurt to the point of dysregulation. It happens to everyone, it just happens quicker and more often with a pwBPD.

If anything it demonstrates to you that there is little point drying to reason with someone in the middle of a dysregulation, that person can't even listen to their own wisemind

This has made me wonder if perhaps my pwBPD sometimes feels regret over the things he does and says.

I know his dysregulation comes from a place of deep anger and sadness, and I can feel compassionate towards that and because of it no longer look at him as my enemy. (gah, that's painful to write. The idea that we are on the same team in the end. That I don't always have to be on defense anymore.)

I don't want to see him in pain. I don't want to be in pain either.
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jcl76

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« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2015, 07:10:44 PM »

I have come a very long way. I havent been in a relationship in 4 years until this girl Back then I didnt even know what BPD was. I went absolute crazy for months after I hurt her and she left me never to speak to her again. I was very suicidal and realized later that I was showing just as much pain for regret that I never owned. Thats when I did a psych eval. Best day of my life, and its been 1.5 years, and although this time it was light years different than I handled back then. My regret gives me a bad self image of myself that furthers the hurt.  Its a wake up call and just motivated me to keep fighting the good fight.

Thats is why I am here. I really appreciate all of your support. It means a lot!

You were emotionally hurt to the point of dysregulation. It happens to everyone, it just happens quicker and more often with a pwBPD.

If anything it demonstrates to you that there is little point drying to reason with someone in the middle of a dysregulation, that person can't even listen to their own wisemind

This has made me wonder if perhaps my pwBPD sometimes feels regret over the things he does and says.

I know his dysregulation comes from a place of deep anger and sadness, and I can feel compassionate towards that and because of it no longer look at him as my enemy. (gah, that's painful to write. The idea that we are on the same team in the end. That I don't always have to be on defense anymore.)

I don't want to see him in pain. I don't want to be in pain either.

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