Using SET... seems to be working

[townhouse]

When it comes to SET I am OK when it comes to using the S and the E but usually my courage fails me when I attempt to use Truth.

Anyway an opportunity came up when I felt that just had to use my version of T.

My uBPD SO's daughter is turning 40 in the next couple of weeks. She will be away on holiday for the actual birthday and had said that she didn't want any fuss. But now she has planned a small party for next Sun afternoon.

My SO (her father) sent her an email saying we wouldn't be coming, claiming he wasn't well and the distance too far. (5 hours driving).

Her return email was pretty forceful when she said "Not good enough Pa. You can do things for other people, how come you can't come to your daughter's 40th"

Wow... .I was glad she actually called him out on something that he usually gets away with doing what he wants.

He wanted to discuss all this with me and I knew I had to be very careful what I said.

Firstly I sympathised that it wasn't fair that she sprung this on him at short notice, it was a long way etc. Then I showed empathy that it would be a very difficult time for him as his ex wife would be there, plus other relatives he hasn't seen for 25 years.

I knew I had to say what I really felt about the situation (truth) and so I said that perhaps we should go as she always remembers his birthdays, sends presents etc and that 40 was a special birthday for her and that I was sure she would love him to be there.

It was alright... .He took it well. He emailed her and said we will be coming. She hasn't replied yet so I hope she will be alright about all this. 

Now I wait to see what will happen. Will we actually go or will he cancel at the last minute? I know I must not mention this too much or say anything about his ex wife... .even though I am scared a little about the afternoon.

So I will be wanting to keep you all informed as to what happens, as a dysregulation is hanging over our heads.

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[formflier]

Her return email was pretty forceful when she said "Not good enough Pa. You can do things for other people, how come you can't come to your daughter's 40th"

Wow... .I was glad she actually called him out on something that he usually gets away with doing what he wants.

I'm glad that you are pleased with SET.  Many times I just do SE.  Or SE SE SE SET. 

So... .quick question... .does he go on drives this far for others?  Or would he truly be going out of his way to go to this birthday.

Ultimately... .it's up to him... .

FF

[townhouse]

As ever, things are complicated.

FF... .He pretty much would never drive this far for others. However, just a couple of months ago, he did travel to the other side of the country to visit his other daughter. Also, 4 years ago he travelled a long way to accompany me to my son's 40th birthday.

So it could be that this daughter is feeling some neglect and jealousy because of these two incidents.

Also, although I have been able to mention to her that her father is "just the way he is" , we don't ever mention a mental disorder. She sees her father's dysregs and silences as him 'being selfish'. She still feels he was selfish when he left her mother 25 years ago and was being 'selfish' when I was made to leave our home 3 years ago and 6 months ago. She is pretty mad at him as she sees all his job changes and moves as him just getting his way and doing what he wants regardless of the affect it has on the people around him.

I believe she doesn't want to consider that it is a disorder with him as she too has problems... .depression and maybe even BPD. It is only since discovering this site and reading so much that I think she may at least have BPD traits. I know I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her.

[formflier]

 

The tricky thing is... .that his actions do appear selfish... .when viewed through a certain lens.

Even with BPD traits thrown in... .he has figured out how to do this before... .this being make these trips.

Hmmm.

Since you are the one posting... .I think it might be good for you to read about triangles. 

Nothing you have said so far leads me to believe you are involved in unhealthy triangle.

This is really between him and his daughter.  My hope is that you can continue to offer emotionally healthy suggestions to each of them... .and keep refocusing them on discussing with each other... .vice possibly seeing you as an intermediary.

Thoughts?

Any idea how much notice he got on previous trips... .are they really similar and comparable to this trip?  Any other reasons he would have tried to back out on this trip?

FF

[townhouse]

Thank you so much FF for taking the time to help me consider my life with BPD others.

It is interesting that you mention about triangulation. I never thought about until now... .His daughter has been very supportive of me when SO and I were separated on those two occasions and we saw each other quite a bit however now we phone each other only occasionally.

She was very much against me going back to SO last Oct after a week of NC. I believe she wants him to be punished / feel bad, for all the hurt she, her sister and her mother felt when he left them in 1990. He paid child support and maintenance but stopped after the girls were older and the mother went to work. He wasn't unfaithful to their mother, just wasn't happy in the marriage. So it wasn't a really bad break up, just that the girls feel very upset for their mother because she never re partnered or made a life for her self. The one who will be 40 still lives with her mother,  partially supports her and I guess really resents that her father got out of the situation she is now stuck in.

My SO has 'organised/manipulated' over the years that we live this far from his and my family and my friends. He really no longer has any friends as he fails to contact any he once had.

He had plenty of notice about the other two trips and was very dysregulated with me before them both. He has recently had blow ups with his brother (who will be there on Sun)

I don't believe he thinks he is being selfish not going to his daughters party... .more (and he says this) that he "doesn't want any trouble" knowing that he most probably, will be the one who causes it.

Perhaps this doesn't sound very much as though he is BPD and it's true... .when he is 'normal' he is a very aware person. It's just when he does go off the rails, it is me that must take the rages and silent treatment.

[formflier]

I don't believe he thinks he is being selfish not going to his daughters party... .more (and he says this) that he "doesn't want any trouble" knowing that he most probably, will be the one who causes it.

Sometimes... .most of the time... .when a pwBPD tells you they are not going to be able to behave... .BELIEVE THEM!

That being said.  Try to validate his feelings about this... .in hopes of making the trip better.

Also... .be clear in your mind... .ahead of time.  Are you going to go and attend?

Are you going to stay if he blows up?

FF

[townhouse]

It feels like things are beginning to unravel now, prior to our trip to the city on the weekend.

The night before last SO went and bought a lot of alcohol and stayed up drinking, finally sleeping most of the night on the couch. He felt bad yesterday. Although we did manage to have a successful trip to the local gift shop to purchase a gift for his daughter.

Later I went out with some friends and had a nice afternoon. When they dropped me off, I invited them in for a coffee... .SO was no where to be seen. When friends left, he appeared from our walk in wardrobe... .he had spent the half hour hiding in there. Needless to say , he does not like my new friends.

Also his sense of smell became more acute. He complained of various smells in the house, even the smell of boiled potatoes. Does anyone else's BPD partner have over the top reaction to smells?

Finally, last night during the night I went to the bathroom and bumped into the door. He yelled really angry "put the f... .light on" I was hurt, I hate being sworn at but didn't say anything. Now this morning he is bordering on giving me the silent treatment.

Give me strength to get through the next few days.

[formflier]

 

How do you let him know that you do not like to be sworn at?

That it is unacceptable behavior?

FF

[townhouse]

FF I usually say something like "please don't swear at me".

The incident last night was at 3 am. I didn't think any response was called for at that time because it may have lead to an increase in the situation.

[formflier]

FF I usually say something like "please don't swear at me".

If framed as a request... .there could be an assumption it is ok to say no.

Here is thing... .validation is nice and fuzzy... .designed to help... .be nice... .all that.

Boundaries and nice don't mix.  Better to be clear.

"I will not tolerate swearing... ."  (then take action... .such as walking out... .)

FF

[townhouse]

It all went quite well.

The actual party was fine. Everyone involved acted nicely. His daughter was so happy to have her father there and pleased I was there as well. She said a little speech about everyone she cared about being in the room which was lovely.

My SO was nearly on the point of dysregulation with me on the drive home from the party. He kept going over everything and yelled at me later in the evening about something entirely different but on the whole it wasn't too bad and I am glad we went.

[formflier]

 

What can you do to "reinforce" his good behavior on going to the party?

Have you told him that you appreciate it?  Asked him about his feelings on the party?

FF