Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 03:21:06 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I'm a newbie.  (Read 461 times)
Ribbons92

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: May 11, 2015, 09:22:06 PM »

Hi,

I didn't think I'd ever be one to join one of these things but until recently I thought it might help.

I'm under the impression that my boyfriend may have BPD or some other personality disorder. I'm not really sure. I figured I'd post about it and hopefully receive responses from people who could relate.  He's never really been diagnosed (he says he tried therapy in college with the campus therapist but nothing really helped him yet he becomes upset when it might be implied that he should seek more help.) He tried taking "tegretol?" twice but never stayed on the medication. He now has his medical marijuana license and smokes a lot of it (consistently throughout the day.) He claims it helps with his anger. I support the legalization of marijuana. ESPECIALLY for medicinal purposes. I just have no idea what kind of research has been done about the effects of it as a treatment for mental disorders. For now, if it helps him, it helps him. And I'm okay with that.

He had a very traumatic childhood. At times, he'll go into what seems to be tangents and his eyes will get shifty as if he were lying or nervous but he's speaking with incredible confidence/ slight arrogance even though what he’s saying doesn’t really make sense. (Which for the past few years has been utterly confusing to me.) Recently, I learned to listen, read his behavior and not become defensive or hurt by what he was saying (easier said than done) and a lightbulb went off in my head. I came to find that when he's going into these tangents or "episodes" or whatever you want to call them, he’s projecting. He doesn't really believe what he's saying because his entire body says otherwise.  He seems to have difficulty communicating any of his feelings because they might imply "weakness." So, he'll deny them by either praising himself or claiming that it’s how I feel.

Today, he got into a tangent and kept saying that he was an ass because his friends branded him as one. Cue the shifty-ness. And cue my light-bulb that tells me he doesn't believe he's an ass and wants me to affirm that and it actually hurts him that people might think that about him. I stopped him mid-sentence and told him "You're not an ass. Say it. Say that to yourself." This completely took him off guard. He became frustrated and physically upset because I wouldn't say he was an ass. He replied like a small confused boy, "but aren't other people's perceptions of you what you really are?"

The other day, while stoned and amidst my "odd" questions and reading his behavior, he again in a vulnerable almost child-like state expressed that he didn't know the difference between arrogance and self-confidence. I told him, "Well, arrogance is when you think you're better than everyone and self-confidence is believing in yourself and that you're good enough." He said, "I don't see how those two are different. I don't see how believing in yourself is different than being better than everyone." It broke my heart. I kid you not, it was as if a child was speaking to me. After more explaining, this conversation eventually led to him laughing in realization and saying to himself "... .being arrogant isn't okay." I was astounded. This entire time I thought he was being arrogant about EVERYTHING. I mean, he was... .and still is... .but only because he has never been taught what self-confidence is and is under the impression that you show it by putting others down. Sometimes, including me... .

And that's when it gets hard.

I'm able to finally understand where the root of his hurtful words and frustration sometimes come from. After two years of a lot of crying, this feels like a good thing. But, boy is it emotionally exhausting. I feel like I can finally SEE him a little bit. I can also see that he doesn't even realize the behavior he's exuding or when he's being hurtful. Let alone why. I'm not sure what he "has." I do know that whatever epiphany I had, helped. I don't know if any of you struggle with this or debate leaving or wonder if it's worth the effort. Today, it was worth it.

Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2015, 08:05:04 AM »

Hi Ribbons92

It certainly can be quite difficult to work out what other people really mean when they dont really know themselves.

Have a look through this link:

What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Is there any similarities you can see?

There will be a lot of light bulb moments, but rarely a final solution. The more you see the more you realize there is so much you don't. Its almost like the size and complexity is being more revealed at each turn

Waverider
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Selkie3

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2015, 08:39:27 AM »

I can only offer a few things as I am also very new to this, but I try to bring what little knowledge I have from my own background.  I'm not entirely certain if your boyfriend has BPD, but you know him better than I, so please look at the symptom list above.

The drug he took is Tegretol, the brand name of Carbamazepine.  Normally it's for epilepsy but it's sometimes used for bipolar or schizophrenia as a mood stabilizer.  Unfortunately this doesn't mean much because if he got it form a regular Primary Care doctor, they often just throw mood stabilizers at people who have personality disorders or mood disturbances without really doing a proper workup.

Another thing I hope I might be able to address is his marijuana use.  While marijuana has some positive medicinal effects, it is terrible for most mental conditions.  Yes, many people point to the calming effect, but rohypnol is also is calming, know what I mean?  Sometimes it even makes it worse.  This also raises the possibility of him being an addict, which is actually a genetic condition, and childhood trauma aggravates it even more.
Logged
Ribbons92

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2015, 02:22:29 PM »

Hi Selkie3,

Thanks for your reply.

I've always had an inkling that he might be addicted to marijuana. The other day when I suggested he stop smoking to see what the effects were he became hostile. He believes it has medically helped him. He's referred to the moments where he's upset or clearly distressed as "slipping into psychosis." These are moments where he begins to project if he gets too upset. I believe he meets a lot of the symptoms listed above. Although he claims the marijuana helps him, I've observed that he can still slip into a "psychosis" while high.

I'm lost.

I know that the best way I can help is to not get my feelings hurt and try my best to understand the projection and understand him.

This whole pot thing worries me. I can't suggest he stop. I think he believes he might be abusing it but he isn't sure. He said that during a "projection" moment. It's as if he can't communicate anything he's feeling to me and when he chooses to do so he does it through projection.

He has honestly had the most traumatic childhood I've ever heard. I feel therapy could really benefit him but of course, you can't really suggest that to anyone who doesn't believe they need help.

Logged
zundertowz
Formerly thirdeye
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 377


WWW
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2015, 02:28:51 PM »

Just from personal experience my exBPD was a daily pot smoker and I notice that it did help her immenesly... .I could tell the difference when she didn't have pot... .her anxiety would be sky high and her anger was out of control.  I know you mean well by wanting him to stop smoking but what you get if he does may be far worse.  I know in my cause if she didn't smoke pot she was impossible to be around.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2015, 05:21:42 PM »

pwBPD are prone to medicating their troubles away with addictive substances and medications.

It solves nothing and masks everything.

It is a huge barrier to healthy recovery.

Dope 'em up and keep 'em quiet is old school treatment
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Ribbons92

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2015, 06:53:37 PM »

It's not that I want him to stop smoking pot. I just have no way of knowing if it really is helping him. He claims it does, so I support him. It reduces his anxiety. We went on a trip where he didn't smoke for 2 or 3 days and he was impossible. Really negative and would refute anything I said. I just didn't know if it could be that he was suffering from withdrawal symptoms? He says it helps.

The degree to which he's high and the strain might also affect him? The other day he was stoned and went on a tangent... .

Also---side note. These tangents... .does anyone else's partner experience them? It's not simply excessive talking. Sometimes they eventually lead to projecting or they seem to be rants where he isn't able to stay on topic and suddenly he's fidgety, tense, and a big thing is that his eyes dart around as if he were nervous or lying. I can tell that if something comes up emotionally for him he'll either deflect and say he doesn't understand why we keep talking about him and asks me to leave him alone or he'll begin to project. He seems more tense in certain social situations and in public (again... .could be the pot.)

anyway--while on a tangent and stoned he started saying that his family had addictive personalities and that he wasn't abusing pot (I didn't even mention anything about pot.) Which led me to believe that he might be unsure to whether or not he's abusing it?

It's all pretty complicated to me.

He doesn't believe in seeing a therapist. He doesn't believe in taking meds to regulate his mood because he has pot and pot isn't a dangerous pill.

I try my best to talk to him about his past and his family situation and the abuse he went through as a kid. It sometimes comes up while he's really stoned and I can read certain things in his behavior. If he self-deprecates then suddenly starts over-complimenting himself, I can usually point out the behavior and it leads him to talking about certain things in his past.

I'm not a therapist. I'm just there to listen. If he won't go to therapy, I hope opening up to me helps.
Logged
Selkie3

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2015, 09:29:32 AM »

It's not that I want him to stop smoking pot. I just have no way of knowing if it really is helping him. He claims it does, so I support him. It reduces his anxiety. We went on a trip where he didn't smoke for 2 or 3 days and he was impossible. Really negative and would refute anything I said. I just didn't know if it could be that he was suffering from withdrawal symptoms? He says it helps.

Pot has a withdrawal period of 2-6 months for an heavy user or addict (a causal smoker won't really have this issue).  Irritability and sleep disturbances are the most common symptom of withdrawal from what I've seen.  Of course he'll say it helps; withdrawal sucks.  This itself makes the prospect of stopping very difficult for both of you.

He doesn't believe in seeing a therapist. He doesn't believe in taking meds to regulate his mood because he has pot and pot isn't a dangerous pill.

That makes me sad, but also angry.  Not believing in seeing a therapist would be like if a cancer patient said I don't believe in chemo.  And while I get that psych meds can have problems, especially when prescribed by non-psychiatrists, it's ridiculous that pot is somehow safer.

You can't be his therapist.  I tried that with my wife and it just doesn't work.  It's fine that he feels comfortable talking to you about his abuse, but I don't think it will actually help him improve his harmful behaviors.  It's more about how you interact with him in daily life and achieving a better understanding of his condition.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2015, 06:56:44 PM »

He doesn't believe in seeing a therapist. He doesn't believe in taking meds to regulate his mood because he has pot and pot isn't a dangerous pill.

This is classic delusional thinking that keeps people stuck in the same old situation.

Nothing changes without change.

While true there are different things that work for different people, the only ones who have any real way of assessing this are those that have handled many cases. Even if it takes trying many failed attempts to rule out what doesn't work.

pwBPD have an inherent fear of failure and hence are reluctant to venture in trial and error.

eg This approach did't work= nothing will work, so they hide the problem with blockers and sedation, whether it be pot or say valium.

Any medication which is self regulated by a pwBPD can quickly become a problem. As poor regulation skills is a BPD trait

You can't conquer your fear of shadows simply by turning the lights out.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
apollotech
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792


« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2015, 11:20:52 PM »

Hi Ribbons,

What behavior(s) are you expecting from your bf? I am asking that because it sounds to me like you're in an uphill battle right from the start---him not thinking highly of therapy, him thinking pot will treat (or at least cover up) what ails him, etc. What would you like to see happen regarding your bf and the relationship?
Logged
cflatminor

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #10 on: May 14, 2015, 05:58:25 PM »

Also---side note. These tangents... .does anyone else's partner experience them? It's not simply excessive talking. Sometimes they eventually lead to projecting or they seem to be rants where he isn't able to stay on topic and suddenly he's fidgety, tense, and a big thing is that his eyes dart around as if he were nervous or lying. I can tell that if something comes up emotionally for him he'll either deflect and say he doesn't understand why we keep talking about him and asks me to leave him alone or he'll begin to project. He seems more tense in certain social situations and in public (again... .could be the pot.)

Hi, I am also new here (as of this morning), and the first thing I need to admit is that I stopped reading after this^ paragraph.  THIS is my husband.  To a tee.

It's as if you've been a fly on the wall the past 4-5 years since college... .since the marijuana use started (related? can't honestly say).  The shifting, the tenseness, fidgety, eyes all over... .it was actually pretty scary the first few times I saw it.  Thankfully, those first few times the anger involved was not directed at me.

Last night they were.  He's been out of weed for the past few days (dealer's out of town) and I pushed things over the edge  by being personally offended by his short, abrasive tone and earning myself a ticket to the Bad Zone (all things and people are either Good or Bad with him) and when he acted like I was imagining it and there was no reason that he would be upset I said "well, I know why" (terrible decision, but I feel so impulsive when he gets like this).  Long story short (hah, too late) he tried to leave, I wouldn't let him (bad decision #2, I was on a roll), and he left, came back late, and hasn't spoken to me since.  (Just got home... .)

I hate to comment with no positive suggestions or ideas for solutions, but when you asked if anyone else experienced these "tangents" I literally shouted at my computer "me!  I have!", so I felt compelled to share.  After he left without speaking this morning (slept downstairs last night) I got online and googled BPD support and ended up here.  I've learned so much already, and I am very hopeful that with the help of the tools and the immensely supportive people here we will one day become a story to post to the "Successes" thread  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hang in there.  You're not alone. 
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #11 on: May 14, 2015, 08:53:34 PM »

A lot of this is the neurotic side of the disorder. With personality disorders and anxiety illnesses in general it is a balance between the "sedating" effect and the "stimulating" effect. Any drugs whether it can be weed, Valium, or any other prescribed medication can actually stimulate the anxiety  as opposed to suppress it. That it is why it needs to be prescribed and monitored. Often referred to as having a rebound effect.

This in turn leads to addiction as the increase in anxiety it causes leads to the person taking more to attempt to contain it, instead it gets worse, the fact it is not working creates more stress, and so it escalates.

Just because a little bit of something takes the edge off a symptom does not mean a lot will eliminate it.

With BPD medications wont fix the disorder they simply take the edge off some of the associated extremes so that they dont distract from the core issue.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!