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Author Topic: I don't really know how I feel about my relationship anymore.  (Read 368 times)
misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« on: May 11, 2015, 10:05:52 PM »

Today my pwBPD told me that he 'appreciates how much I try'.

At this point, it makes me somewhat happy to hear that he appreciates something I do. It's a step in the right direction, but really? I'm so exhausted. I don't want to be in an abusive relationship anymore.

I don't want to have another person in my life who decides that if they 'traumatise me' enough that maybe I won't screw up as much. Another someone who berates and criticises me for not being able to do things the way they want.

I'm tired of the outbursts, of always being the one that has to calm things down. I'm tired of someone projecting their own self-esteem and feelings of emptiness and worthlessness onto me. I'm over it.

I'm exhausted of jade-ing, of floating away and going numb everytime I am the target of immense anger and explosions that have ZERO to do with me.

I never deserved any of this. Was listening to Eminem- Love the way you lie. That's the song I was listening to when my boyfriend went off on me for getting his keys locked inside his f-ing car because he slammed it shut angrily after I accidentally hit the lock switch. I still have the recording of him berating me and yelling at me for over 40 minutes. I had a mental breakdown that day. By myself. While he and his roommate chilled in the kitchen. It was the first time I ever tried to hurt myself. When his roommate saw me breaking down crying in the hallway she immediately asked me to leave and go to his room or something because she was about to have guests and didn't want that drama in her house. I ended up letting myself fall off his bed head first on the floor. I was in so much pain, nearly suicidal, I just didn't care what happened to me. I was talking to two people on facebook at the time and they were calming me down.

Then I spent my birthday again with him. This time, I stood by while he raged at me over talking to someone he didn't trust and making plans with them. He pretended to know already about my plans, but really he had taken advantage of my vulnerable state and desire to appease him to manipulate me into telling him about it. He told me it was over between us that day. I still have scars on my arm because I went into mental shock. I hyperventilated then just went so numb that I couldn't feel anything in my body. I ended up taking a screwdriver and making two long gashes on my arm. I still have scars left from that, and they leave me so ashamed of myself. Because I let someone push me so far off the edge that I attacked myself. I allowed it to happen. I didn't protect myself. I didn't walk away. I was desperate to not be alone on my birthday. I could have done anything else, though. My parents wanted to take me out to dinner. I could have been happy on my birthday. Instead I let my raging pwBPD tear at me till I barely had any sense of myself left.

I do love him so very dearly. I do want good things for him, but I love myself so much more. I truly have to take care of myself. I don't deserve that incredible amount of pain.

I'm tired of JADE-ing. To my mother, to him. My decisions are my own. And I own them. I'm tired of being guilted into doing what other people want. Of being passive.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
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Ribbons92

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2015, 10:24:46 PM »

Hi,

I'm reaching out because I want you to know that you're not alone. Though I never felt the need to end my life because of my current partner... .I did feel like I wanted to physically harm myself.

The truth is, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

I have to constantly remind myself that I do not need affirmation or constant emotional support from another individual. I love myself and am confident in my decisions. This reminder helped me see clearly when my partner was being disrespectful of hurtful in any way. It also allowed me to see the root of his outbursts. You have to assess your own health. It is not an easy thing to emotionally support someone who has this kind of issue. You have to love yourself COMPLETELY.

That being said, you are a strong individual who knows how you should be treated and what is the right or wrong way to treat a fellow human being. Nothing is worth your physical health.
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misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2015, 10:51:15 PM »

Hi,

I'm reaching out because I want you to know that you're not alone. Though I never felt the need to end my life because of my current partner... .I did feel like I wanted to physically harm myself.

The truth is, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

I have to constantly remind myself that I do not need affirmation or constant emotional support from another individual. I love myself and am confident in my decisions. This reminder helped me see clearly when my partner was being disrespectful of hurtful in any way. It also allowed me to see the root of his outbursts. You have to assess your own health. It is not an easy thing to emotionally support someone who has this kind of issue. You have to love yourself COMPLETELY.

That being said, you are a strong individual who knows how you should be treated and what is the right or wrong way to treat a fellow human being. Nothing is worth your physical health.

This is very helpful.

I have had moments of wanting to 'die'. I've never acted on it, but I've had ideation. Off and on since I was 15 with years in between each episode, mostly as a reaction to traumatic events. Originally because of a deep sense of betrayal of a bond that was sacred to me. When you love and trust someone and believe that they are never capable of hurting you. And then they do. And you just feel abandoned. Like the one person you felt safe with will turn on you as well. That was the first time. I never self-harmed until my pwBPD. But technically, but I have punished myself physically before. So that isn't entirely true.

Since these two events, I've definitely started to focus on boundaries. I'm no longer scared to enact them. I walk away from the rages when I feel myself unable to handle anymore. It is often met with anger or guilt-tripping or taunting but I ignore it. I'm never letting someone cross the line with me again. I still react emotionally or with numbness, but that's just a sign that I can't handle anymore. And I walk out. Of the room, of the general area, with a promise to come back when I'm calmer.

I don't have to put myself through things like that anymore. I am focused on healing the pain.

I think I need to delete that recording.


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Notwendy
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2015, 06:28:28 AM »

Although this is the "staying" board, I want to remind you that we have choices. I believe that the message to not tell others to leave their relationships is because it is important that they be given the space to make their own choices. On the other hand, if the aim is to preserve that choice, then neither should we tell others to stay.

I think every one of us here makes that personal choice, sometimes daily, sometimes moment to moment. When doing so, we each consider our relationship, ourselves, and others- such as possibly children and our significant others. Not all of us make the same choices- we each have individual circumstances and we are individuals. My choice is not necessarily a choice for you or anyone else.

Some choices are not easy ones, there are pros and cons to many of the choices we make and some of the choices to stay or leave a relationship involve some emotional pain as well. However, your choice is yours to make.
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formflier
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2015, 07:02:18 AM »

 

I'm going to join Notwendy's comments about the staying board.

Some discussion about leaving is fine here.

As always... .checking out undecided is an option.

While I won't suggest a decision... .I do want to suggest some ways of decision making... .that I think are helpful.

1.  Don't make major decisions when triggered... .or recovering from a big blowup. 

2.  I'm not saying forget those things... .but try to get back to baseline... .and then think through the incident with a calm... .wise mind.

3.  In your case... .I would suggest that you use the LC/NC period (due to phones... .)  to investigate how you feel about distance in your r/s.

Where else can you direct the energy that would have went into the texts and phone calls?

Last thought for now.  How would you feel about the r/s... .if you were only exposed to 1 minute or so of raging... .instead of 30... .or 40?

I know it's a guess... .but I'm curious about your answer... .

FF
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misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2015, 10:17:42 AM »

I'm going to join Notwendy's comments about the staying board.

Some discussion about leaving is fine here.

As always... .checking out undecided is an option.

While I won't suggest a decision... .I do want to suggest some ways of decision making... .that I think are helpful.

1.  Don't make major decisions when triggered... .or recovering from a big blowup. 

2.  I'm not saying forget those things... .but try to get back to baseline... .and then think through the incident with a calm... .wise mind.

My post isn't so much to lay out the abuse I've gone through, or even a cry for help.

It is my realisation that I have a choice. I've stayed on this board because I keep making the decision to stay, to work things out, to work on myself.

I just realise that I've been pretending like those things didn't happen. Suppressing the emotions, belittling the effect of those situations on me.  Expressing some form of denial because I don't -want- to be in a relationship with any sort of abuse in it. And yet I want to be with my SO. It's a bit of cognitive dissonance.

It's protective. But now I realise it's actually a lot more toxic in the long term, builds resentment.

And so, this is my way of healing those wounds. That did happen. It wasn't right. No one should ever treat me in such a way and I don't deserve to feel that way.

But also, I let it happen. And that's what probably hurts the most. The idea that it's possible for me to have such low self-esteem and lack of self-respect that I'd let someone pull me down like that.

A healthy person would walk away from that. They would have healthy limits and boundaries and know well enough that this situation is causing me pain and trauma and I need to protect myself.

That's where my guilt and criticism lie. It's not actually my fault that my pwBPD acted like that or that I reacted that way. It's not a conscious decision. My go-to coping mechanism is to hold on to people as tightly as possible because I fear being alone. And I spent most of my childhood unable to walk away from someone being abusive towards me. They would force me to sit there and take their verbal and emotional abuse. Otherwise I was a terrible disrespectful loathsome and selfish person. I was not the daughter they raised.

I spent so much time unable to escape that abuse that I learned to dissociate, to ignore my feelings, to be invisible. And so all those reflexes have in turn spilled over into and increased the dysfunction in my relationship with my pwBPD.

If someone is criticising me or being verbally abusive, then I must deserve it, and they obviously care enough to tell me. I've held onto such a horrible belief for years. Criticism was supposed to be motivation. If I needed to lose weight then I would be criticised as harshly as possible until I started doing something about it.

My partner didn't teach me this.  I'm realising more and more often that a lot of the time, I'm really not responding to my partner at all, but the words coming out of my lips are words, defenses, and explanations from my past. I was at a party hosted by my mother last weekend. She really exploded at me over not bringing plates downstairs and being selfish. And it just dawned on me, this is the exact feeling, emotion, reaction I get whenever I'm around my pwBPD. And she's instantly fine after, but I feel like I just got hit with a 2x4.


Excerpt
3.  In your case... .I would suggest that you use the LC/NC period (due to phones... .)  to investigate how you feel about distance in your r/s.

Where else can you direct the energy that would have went into the texts and phone calls?

Last thought for now.  How would you feel about the r/s... .if you were only exposed to 1 minute or so of raging... .instead of 30... .or 40?

I know it's a guess... .but I'm curious about your answer... .

I've been doing just that. Limiting the rages to 1 minute or so, or until I feel upset. I will tell my pwBPD to stop when he begins to do that. If he doesn't, I'll tell him, I'm sorry, I need time to calm down. He doesn't like it, will sometimes say vengeful things, but it's a time to reset. It's a time to prevent myself from dissociating, letting myself feel my own emotions, tell myself it's okay, and usually by the time I come back, he's calmer. He'll make a remark at times, 'why are you back?' but usually it's enough to get back to normal and more often than not, there's nothing left to discuss.

My next goal is to figure out a way to deal with him if we're in the car, because there isn't much place for me to go and he will taunt me at times because he feels at loss of control and insecure. I had this same issue with my NPD mother. I dealt with it by just avoiding going anywhere with her if I could.  I can't do that too often with my pwBPD, though. I actually enjoy car rides with him 95% of the time now. Maybe just avoid topics that are bound to get raging as a response.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2015, 11:57:30 AM »

This is a very insightful post. I too realized that I tolerated how my H treated me because I was raised to tolerate it. We didn't have a choice as children, but we do as adults.

One of the hardest parts of our journey is forgiveness. This doesn't mean forgetting- like we are trained to do- but it means first forgiving ourselves, and also extending some understanding to others. However, that does not mean we tolerate being treated poorly.

For instance, although I have no proof, I believe my mother was emotionally abused. Her FOO is very condescending of other people. I don't like being around them. My H tends to be negative about things, and the same words that come out of his mouth are the words his father said to him. I also met his father's mother and she was a mean nasty woman.

However, we can break the cycle if we choose to do differently.

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misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2015, 12:43:09 PM »

This is a very insightful post. I too realized that I tolerated how my H treated me because I was raised to tolerate it. We didn't have a choice as children, but we do as adults.

One of the hardest parts of our journey is forgiveness. This doesn't mean forgetting- like we are trained to do- but it means first forgiving ourselves, and also extending some understanding to others. However, that does not mean we tolerate being treated poorly.

For instance, although I have no proof, I believe my mother was emotionally abused. Her FOO is very condescending of other people. I don't like being around them. My H tends to be negative about things, and the same words that come out of his mouth are the words his father said to him. I also met his father's mother and she was a mean nasty woman.

However, we can break the cycle if we choose to do differently.

Forgiveness is huge. Forgiveness of ourselves for not feeling capable of change and forgiveness of others for their actions that hurt us. Forgiveness doesn't mean letting go of limits and boundaries.

We have to regularly remind ourselves that we deserve respect, compassion and love. They are not privileges that our parents gave at whim or when they liked our actions. They are a right. And it starts from respecting loving and feeling compassion towards ourselves. If someone else is not willing to treat us with the same, ESPECIALLY during confrontation, then we have a valid choice to cut the negativity off. Even temporarily. This situation, these words are not in line with my values and so I'm going to dust off my shoulders and walk away until I feel ready to come back/remind myself of who I am

With regards to your mother's FOO. The proof is sort of in the pudding. The way they act is a very strong reflection of both how they were raised and how they raised your mother. Abuse in all forms is a cycle. It is often coded into people way before they have conscious thought.

And your H, I have a very loose theory. For one, he probably didn't grow up with very good boundaries.  In fact, it's possible that one or both of his parents were very intrusive and didn't really allow him choices. The instant negativity is a bit of a coping mechanism. It's a way to express that he is a person and his opinion matters FIRST before anyone 'pushes' their wants and desires onto him. It's the moment he needs in order to see if he even has an opinion.  So even when an idea eventually excites him, it might be meaningful he has to answer negatively by reflex in order to establish his individuality as a person and his right to a choice. Otherwise someone else chooses for him. It's a defense and nothing personal against the person he says no to.

Again, it's just a theory. It's based on my own experiences with my NPDmom. She would force me into doing things all the time. She never respected that I was my own person and could make choices, even the right choice, on my own. And so I've learned to say no to things before someone even asks a question and I have trouble expressing enthusiasm right away about anything. It's that moment of thought I need to decide if I want something. It's that moment that voice in my head yells 'my opinion matters too' before I realise the other person is actually giving me a choice.

Sigh.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2015, 01:21:39 PM »

I think you are right on about my H. In fact, the first thing his father would say to him if he said something he wanted was " You don't want that!".  My H has to assert himself with just about any request. Asking him is most likely to invoke a "no" before I finished saying it.

In my FOO, wanting something was a form of abuse. If I wanted something, that would be the one thing my mother would make sure I didn't get. I have made a point of not asking or expecting anything from her. She sends gifts to my kids but not to me.

So you can see how my H's negativity triggers a specific sad point for me. He is aware of it too as he sees how my parents' treated me over the years and he doesn't like it. However, it is almost autopilot for him when he does it- to argue against me when I make a statement about wanting things, or making plans. I used to plan all kinds of things- dinners out, vacations, but it was swimming upstream as he vetoed plan after plan, complained. Same with decorating the house as he would veto paint colors, wall paper patterns. I have friends whose husbands would them paint the house purple with giant green spots if it made them happy, but not my H, as he picks at all the details and is critical. I have asked him to please just go along with my idea once without a negative comment- like what difference would it really matter if I picked out the paint in a room.

Sadly, I guess I have partly let him, and also partly because it gets so old- that I don't make many plans for us to do things and I let the house go without painting/redecorating. I'm just fed up with the snarky comments. But ( see my post about the ring) I got excited about an idea. I don't go into jewelry stores really at all. They just make me kind of sad- all these happy engagement rings full of hope and -dreams- I just don't want to be reminded. My H keeps saying ' it isn't all that bad"- yeah maybe not for him- but the first several years of my marriage we an emotional hell for me.

So the new me, post co-dependency work does have an opinion, and so when I went in to resize my rings, I did dream and hope and want, and then couldn't get past the negative reaction. However, I have to concede that he recognized that, and tried to undo it. Change isn't easy, for either of us.

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formflier
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« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2015, 04:00:29 PM »

Change isn't easy, for either of us.

"muscle memory" happens in relationships... .and in emotions.

I am surprised at how hard change is sometimes... .

But... .it is worth it.

FF
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