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Author Topic: what issue to seriously discuss first with my uBPDw?  (Read 382 times)
byfaith
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« on: May 12, 2015, 03:54:08 PM »

there are so many areas that need to be discussed.

I think I know where to begin…

It would seem that relationship issues would have to begin first. Such as discussing her needs and my needs in the relationship. I know that is not an easy thing with someone with BPD traits. Many of them want to control the discussion and end it when they want to end it or they tell you what they think you want to hear and that's it. OR when the issues are brought up more often with them it begins to get more intense because it is placing ore responsibility on them.

I feel that if the relationship is not strong then all the other stuff is just business.

Like planning our future, which entails so much. There are a lot of serious issues that need to be dealt with and plans made. If these things are dealt with before our marriage itself then I think that things would be getting done in the wrong order. Does this make any sense what I just said? I don't want to have an unhappy marriage the rest of my life and deal with all of the other stuff that a strong relationship can bear up under. So my question is would it be advisable to address our marriage issues first and then move on from there? 
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jcarter4856
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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2015, 06:16:33 PM »

there are so many areas that need to be discussed.

I think I know where to begin…

Yeah I don't think you are going to find much success with this approach. The common advice here, and in various books I've read, is to instead : change yourself. This is harder than it sounds typically but it should produce positive results. Ultimately it may be possible to have a direct discussion with your BPD, but I'm something like 6 years on from "BPD zero-day" when I discovered it was "a thing", and I've never succeeded in sustaining a direct discussion about behavior for more than a few seconds (in the white mode of course -- plenty gets "discussed" in the black times but with no useful outcome). Changing my own thoughts and behavior though: has worked very well.

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formflier
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« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2015, 06:41:44 PM »

 

Best way to have this type of discussion... .is to learn how to validate. 

Then... .when it a "white phase"... .pour on some validation... .and have a conversation. 

Look out for mood changes... .hopefully validate to stabilize the conversation.

Be ready to exit the convo quickly... .

Read the lesson on DEARMAN format.


FF
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2015, 06:46:40 PM »

Before sitting down and addressing the marriage issues with your wife, it might be more helpful to focus on you and figure out what you want and need.

I have been doing a lot of reading and spent a little bit of time working a 12 step program. Pretty much everything that I read says that you have to put yourself first. You have to focus on becoming healthier. I was recently listening to a recording and the speaker was talking about how people come into his office and talk about being committed to the relationship. I forget exactly how it was worded but he would ask if the person was committed to his/her own personal growth. It was basically, "Are you committed to yourself?" People were gung ho about being committed to working on the relationship but were not so enthusiastic about working on themselves. It has taken me hearing that message in a whole bunch of different formats from a whole bunch of different people before it finally sunk in.

Can you make a simple list of the things that are bugging you? Before even thinking about discussing things with your wife, it would be helpful to list out all of the things that you see as an issue. Maybe you can bring some of them here to get ideas on how to work through some of them with or without your wife's involvement. I know it sounds weird. My partner is who he is. I have almost 17 years worth of discussing things until I am blue in the face. I get all kinds of promises. He tells me what I want to hear and then when it becomes clear that he isn't going to follow through, I get upset at him. The first couple of times it happened, I could blame it on him. After that, it was on me because I kept buying his BS and would then throw my hands up in the air in despair. Um, this pattern isn't likely to change unless I do something different on my end.

This stuff is hard.  
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byfaith
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« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2015, 10:16:16 AM »

@FF

I have validated, probably too much. That is for further topics.

@vortex, The problem here is that I know who I am, I know what I want…I know I can't have all of my wants in my relationship, that's life. My problem is deciding whether to choose to live and continue to feel the same way about things. The core things that I need in a relationship seem like they will NEVER be met.

I can read all I want. I am tired, to be honest, of researching all of this. The bottom line for me is can I live without those core things and be ok?  I have to decide do I want to change that about myself? I don't know if I can.

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byfaith
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« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2015, 10:21:44 AM »

you are right….this stuff is hard
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2015, 11:12:57 AM »

@FF

I have validated, probably too much. That is for further topics.

Please post about this... .very curious/interested in hearing about what you consider to be "too much".



I have to decide do I want to change that about myself? I don't know if I can.

Correct... .this is the question that needs to be answered... .or one close to that.

And really... .until you have that conversation with yourself... .and decide... .it would be normal for your life to feel like it is in a "holding pattern"

Thoughts?
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