Still at a loss on the thought process

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My uBPDw and I were discussing generic things this morning.  She brings up a bike ride we had last week and says I don't take her into consideration in our decision making.

Before we left, we discussed what time to be back.  We were back before the time she specified.

While we were riding, she said she would rather not head father south... .so we turn toward home and make our way back.

Pressing deeper, she said I didn't discuss exactly where we were going before we left the house.  Me, I don't care I'll hop on my bike and ride.

OK, so I didn't discuss and plan 100% of the ride before we left.  How does she go from that to I don't take her into consideration?

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[JayApril]

I do not think that her statement really had anything to do with you. I dont know why but some BPD do not like the slightess bit of change. Anything can be a problem. Often out of their own inadequacy they get scared when things are peaceful, and create a problem and project their feelings on to you. She's is the one who does not value or respect herself, but instead of her saying I have low self esteem, it is easier for her to believe and say you dont consider her feelings about x, y, and z.

[jcarter4856]

Pressing deeper, she said I didn't discuss exactly where we were going before we left the house.  Me, I don't care I'll hop on my bike and ride.

OK, so I didn't discuss and plan 100% of the ride before we left.  How does she go from that to I don't take her into consideration?

A few things:

1. I'm not sure this is a BPD-related thing. BPD would be where she rants and rages at you for three days, because you didn't make the correct turn in the bike ride. Simply bringing up this ax and grinding it, to me is not a BPD thing -- it is a regular relationship thing. But perhaps there is more to this than you detailed.

2. Some folks, and pwBPD in particular, seem to lack the awareness that complaining about stuff, especially small stuff, to their SO is not a zero-cost action. So while you might feel unhappy that she  ate all the bacon without buying more at the grocery store, you're not going to go tell her about it all loaded-for-bear-like. This is because you know that to do so would blow back. You'd look a jerk and she'd be pissed, and that outcome is not worthwhile in the context that you can eat sausage instead for once. pwBPD seem to lack this insight so they go right ahead and tell you how they're feeling, why you made them feel bad and so on. In light of this often the best response is no or little response. Let it ride (sic).

3. A habit I've developed that has helped reduce the incidence of cases like this is to frequently ask the pwBPD what they'd like do to, what store are we going to next?, where should we take our morning walk today?, what would you prefer for dinner today? This needs to be done in a subtle way otherwise you'll end up with a "You can't make a decision on your own, you suck because you make me take all the decisions around here" response. Fine line, but I've found it helpful to keep a continuous "door open to choices" atmosphere. The idea is to present a series of decision points where your SO can make a choice, rather than expecting them to voice their preference. It seems to help reduce anxiety, which is the thing that drives the really bad behavior.