purekalm
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 294
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« on: May 13, 2015, 03:11:01 PM » |
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Hey all,
Ok, so please if giving advice read through and don't give knee jerk reaction response. I'll give my story as short as possible. First off I grew up in a dysfunctional family and learned early to "get over" heinous acts because you had to move on and there were gonna be no consequences for this particular person. We (siblings and parents) moved when I was in ninth grade, became homeless four months later, in and out of hotels, family members and eventually government housing. School got screwed, I went back and got GED. Met my husband while working same place at 23, he's four years older. I initially didn't like but was mean, apologized and then a sort of relationship happened very quickly.
I guess because of my insecurities and wanting someone, never having a previous relationship I fell for him quickly. We married little over month later and found out I was pregnant at the end of the month. I didn't want family right away but his "goal" was to be married and a child before 30. At 28 he accomplished his goal. He was obsessed with sex and forced me to have it to the point I very quickly I just let him have what he wanted and secretly despised him. Then I told him how I felt and he got angry telling me I had should have told him. Which I had told him before please not before work, it makes me tired and not so many times a day, but all of a sudden I'm just now telling him. I learned early on hints don't work because he generally only cares for his own welfare.
I ended up being extremely sick, unable to eat or drink or keep a pill down to help. I lost thirty pounds in three months and had IV at the hospital twice. Add to that gestational diabetes, long labor emergency c section where I was put to sleep because he was already in canal and I was plain old miserable. He argued with me a lot, accused me of cheating when I was home living with my brother, mom and dad in an apartment building. He packed up his stuff once to go back to state he transferred jobs from once while pregnant and my crying made him stay. I was terrified of raising a child alone and wasn't myself at all.
So, here's where things escalated really quickly. He totally flipped his switch when our son was born. He went from caring and attentive sometimes to completely distant. He made the nurses watch him first night, I couldn't move so it was his decision but I obviously wanted my baby with me. Then he brought his game system next day because he was bored. I got ticked so he didn't actually use it. Made me leave second day when it was supposed to be mandatory three days at least because he was tired of hospital and wanted to go home. Made me have sex WAY before I was supposed to because I needed to "take care of him too". I was elated at having my son, then totally opposite after husband flipped. He no longer cared anything for me or our son but told everyone at work how happy he was and how much he loved us. Then of course he proceeded to come home and play games all day.
And this is when things went bad so fast I wasn't sure what hit me until a few years later, seriously. At a couple months old my son started getting weird line like bruising on his legs. Now, I had him all the time and he hardly ever slept. He had severe feeding issues and seemed to always be crying. I would have husband watch him for a couple hours in morning when he got off third shift so I could get couple hours rest because that's literally all I got. So, as any mother would I took him to his doctor. Husband went with. Doctor told me that it's odd and the only way they get bruising like that is if their clothes are too tight or something, squeezing. His clothes were loose and so I was sent home with no real clue or instructions. Anybody but me see warning signs? WHAT was wrong with that doctor? Hindsight, wish I had it. But at the time I didn't believe that he or anyone would hurt an infant.
A couple months after that husband was in room alone and my son screamed. Husband tex me to come in, didn't yell for me or anything. Yes, I was on way in because that particular scream seemed off to me. Remember he was always crying and yes I did take him to doctor for that. Spent Christmas at Children's to diagnose GERD. Son was limp and I flipped yelled for someone to call 911and grabbed him up and ran to my mom's room. Asked what happened to my husband and he said he just screamed and went limp.
Long story short we ended up in Children's for three days, found out he had inside head injury that healed on it's own and healing fractures to legs and right side front and back ribs. We were questioned by police and medical staff next morning. Lack of empathy for whole situation they blamed husband. He had to move out and day after out of hospital he was arrested at work. So many signs, but I believed he was innocent. How could anyone do that on purpose, you know?
I was now on my own and there were a ton of court dates, tests, counseling and services for my son and myself. They had a grand jury trial and no billed him. He was in jail for 45 days. When I went to see him he made a statement that "he wishes I was in jail instead of him" Then "at least if you were here with me because you're his parent too". And when I took my son to see him through computer monitor he was agitated. I ignored the signs, but I was so depressed I kept dismissing them to other things. In my son's time in my care plus mom's care no more odd bruising, he was way less fussy.
After year of court forced separation we were allowed to live together again. But during separation time any visit I had with him alone at his apartment he only wanted sex. Hardly asked about our son, and when we had trouble paying electric during winter he told me "yeah I'm sorry but I got my own bills to pay". Moving in with him, which only lasted four months, was a nightmare. All he did was scream at me, put me down, ignore our son and then come home from work happy and be nice for a few. I had mandatory counseling and first and only time I let him watch my son he called me right after I got in room to tell me that my son knocked something on his head and he had a bruise, then when I entered the building I heard him totally flipping out at himself and my son. My mom watched him after that like before. He screwed with our money and we had to move back in. During the four months he had no empathy for me or our son. He regularly flipped out, broke his stuff and threw it in the dumpster then had to fetch back out. He tried to fight me once and broke a hardwood cabinet that was next to my head. "I" was the problem yet he complained about everything.
Our son was diagnosed with autism and other developmental delays at 3, no reaction. Since we moved back in he's calmed some but has threatened suicide to which I told him go ahead and say that but I'll call the cops for help if you mean it and aren't just throwing a tantrum. I stopped yelling back as it was upsetting my son of course, plus I never planned this at all. I hoped my kids would have a good father and I didn't want my child growing up like me. I held on hoping he would get better. But he kept getting worse, constant lies, changing stories, extreme rage and mood swings, ignoring or lashing out verbally at me or son with no provocation even. With my faith in God I held on, trying not to give up just because it was hard for me. I looked everywhere for help, for answers. I knew something was wrong with him.
This last July I finally kicked him out and he moved with a friend for a month and a half. I felt guilty and eventually let him back. During that time I have proof where he tried to get with other women and his phone was totally dripping with porn, and most of it about teenage girls which creeped me out and his line was his friend took his phone and did that. Like I'm gonna believe that, for real? Geez.
Recently, it's been six years and I'm totally fed up. For mother's day he walked in after work, saw me and my mom making dinner and said "oh yeah, happy mother's day to you both" and expected me to be happy with that effort. Also, I think he's been cheating on me and lying about it because I just recently went to the hospital to find out I have an incurable std. I've only been with him and one other guy before him, and that guy only twice. I don't have definitive proof because of what it is, but at the same time there's no other possible interpretation. I've been faithful, and with the way he's treated me I could care less for sex anyways. I'm most concerned with giving my son a good life. It has been constant ups and downs, craziness and I finally found borderline personality disorder online. He totally fits the bill and not just part, sort of kind of maybe. I was actually happy because now I know! I mean way right? Of course not! Lol Because as anyone knows the person with the issue has to admit it and look for help and nothing else will work. So, I told him that he HAS to get help or we're done because I won't live like this anymore or make my son live like this either. Of course he went through the whole self pity statements which I don't accept or take part in but I told him I'm dead serious and it's his choice. I stopped taking on his bad self image and projection statements a long time ago. That's probably when it started getting worse. I no longer feel responsible or guilty for his actions or words. But he still can't accept that he has screwed up and his bad decisions have far reaching consequences. Like having two vehicles being repossessed, losing our apartment, having almost $50,000 in debt with a current income of less than a fourth than that. Dragging his feet getting a job and struggling each month to not go to a shelter which would be a nightmare for my son at this point. I mean, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to follow through with my threat, but I will if he refuses help because I'm done. I literally can't live this way anymore. I feel like I'm the one that's insane sometimes, and I know it isn't me.
Yeah, he even told me to my face that he don't want to go to the store with me and my son anymore because it's always horrible. My husband seems unable to control himself around me and my son only. That's the other thing, because my son has autism he grew out of our church and we've struggled to find another. In the last six seven months my husband has supposedly been saved but has acted worse not better and told me his pastor and others at church believe I'm the problem and the unsaved. This really fried me because of all the hell he has put us through and I'M the problem? Whatever. I love him only as a person anymore and feel for his pain, but I can't subject my son to this torture, he's already gone through enough. Anyone have advice or opinions? Please don't judge me, because I know we've all let insane things happen loving someone with this. The question I have is when is enough enough? I don't care if I'm the bad guy at this point, I only worry what he may try to do to hurt me by hurting my son in some way. He knows my son is everything and anything happening to him would send me over the edge. Thanks for giving me space. Love and prayers to all of you dealing with this painful relationship.
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