Can I Sit Here?

[cflatminor]

Hi   , I'm new here and hoping to find some new friends to sit with and discuss some painful and personal experiences.  I am i a heterosexual relationship with a person that I have known intimately for the better part of 13 years.  This person has been diagnosed with depression, but 4 years of medication do not seem to be working as well as we had hoped.  Spouse also has a strong emotional addiction to marijuana use, and becomes frightening and manic without it.  I'm prone to "stick up for myself" in less than helpful ways, most recently by refusing to let them leave in the middle of an argument.  (They left, returned late, slept downstairs, and went to work without speaking).  It only makes things worse, and I am going to try to follow the guidelines from the "Tools to reduce anger" video.  I feel better just having perused this site and put my feelings into words.  I am really looking forward to having someone(s) to talk to when I'm feeling negative or destructive responses erupt.  TIA for listening 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Hello cflatminor and welcome  

Please have a seat!

It definitely sounds like you have some difficulty in your relationship. Most of us here have been through quite a bit ourselves and understand how frustrating it can be to love someone that can act so erratically at times. I am sorry that you are struggling so much right now.

You did mention depression, but what leads you to believe that your spouse is also dealing with BPD?

Please tell us more about your situation so that we can direct you to the appropriate tools. The reducing anger video is a great place to start. Please tell us more about your spouse and yourself when you get a chance. Welcome again and please keep posting here. It really can change your life!

[cflatminor]

Thank you, Love Is Not Enough

I realized after I left for work this morning that I hadn't addressed my BPD concerns in my initial post--thank you for asking!

I have been feeling recently like there are two different versions of my spouse: one very caring and loving and supportive, and one that is harsh and rude and spiteful.  This lead me to first googling "multiple personalities", and eventually clicking on an article relating to BPD.  That is what first got me thinking about this disorder, and lead me to searching for a support group this morning (which is how I found this website).  I've printed out many articles from bpdfamily, and have read through 2 of them so far today (I am a teacher, and don't get a lot of "off" time during the work day).

The first article I went through was ":)r. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", because it felt the most 'real' to me.  I answered Yes to the 8 questions posed in the introduction, which prompted me to read on.  I then highlighted a lot of key points that felt true to our relationship, such as seeing people as All Good or All Bad (this is a big one for us... .it's the difference between "let's start a family" and "I'm not sure I want to be in this relationship any more", and I am having a hard time knowing which my spouse is feeling at any given time), impulse control problems (we've tried rationing out the weed to last X days, but that only works for a week or two at most, and when it's gone things get ugly), bouncing back and forth between extremes, etc... .

I also read through the ":)iagnosis" article, and am interested to try some of the self-assessment tools when things cool down.  I'm not 100% convinced that we are dealing with BPD, but many of the tendencies are very much present.  I am hoping that, even if it is not BPD, there will be tools and support on this site to help us get through what seems to be a never-ending cycle of "love" and "hate".  This cycle leaves me confused and hurt, and also leads me to take things more personally than I should, which is something I am really trying to work on.

Just knowing there's even one person out there who cares enough to ask about our situation really brightened my day .  Thank you.

[cloudten]

cflatminor -

First of all, i love the username, however I hope you are not implying that you don't exist... .or have 3 double flats... ..

Anyway- Keep coming here... .posting here... .reading here. You are not alone- whether its a BPD relationship or not- we are all here to improve whatever relationship we are in by improving responses and communication.

I think the #1 most important thing is to do is take care of yourself first. This may seem quite contradictory to what you have been doing or what you think is the right thing to so- but taking care of myself first has been the single best thing I have done through all of this.  You can face the world and the relationship if you are a stronger, healthier you.

Welcome!

[vortex of confusion]

 

I want to join everyone else in welcoming you to the forums.

My partner doesn't have a diagnosis of BPD. He is a sex addict and probably has some other stuff going on. I am not really sure. Even if you don't have a diagnosis of BPD, the tools on this site are invaluable as are the people that post here.

Have you looked at the lessons to the right? There is some really good stuff in the lessons. It takes a while to plow through it all. I have been on this site for about 9 months and am still finding new information and re-reading some stuff with a different set of eyes.

As you read stuff, if you have any questions, feel free to post.

[Love Is Not Enough]

You're welcome! I'm sure you have so much on your mind that it is hard to get it all down.

Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde routine does become very tiring after awhile. You may or may not be dealing with BPD, most folks here have undiagnosed partners. As do I. It took me awhile to let go of trying to obtain one or "educating" her about what was going on. I have found that changing how I handle things has made much more of an impact than anything else. As the others have said, using the tools I learned here, I have reduced the magnitudes of the Jekyll and Hyde swings from a magnitude 10 down to a 3 at most. 99% of the time anyway.

The drugs are a hard one though. I have my own theories about how weed increases anxiety in the long term even though it reduces it in the short term. I believe it causes a very destructive cycle that someone gets trapped into and it really interferes with emotional stability. My BPDgf is sensitive to medications and it is a challenge sometimes to find one that does not alter her mood so much. Have you ever tried or considered trying to set a firm boundary about the drug use?

[cflatminor]

Thanks everyone, you're all so welcoming it really makes me feel at ease discussing things that I've never spoken to anyone besides my spouse.

I'm looking forward to reading some other threads and the Lessons that I printed out at work today.  It's really nice to hear that there are other people out there in similar relationships... .it's so easy to fall into the downward spiral of believing that everyone is as happy and perfect as they appear on the outside, you start to feel very alone that way.

I've tried setting firm boundaries about the drug use, and even attempted an ultimatum a few times, but I'm ashamed to say that nothing changed.  I understand that it's used in a "self-medicating" sort of way (theoretically to combat the depression), and have been told that it's "really the only way to feel normal".  I feel like this should be some sort of red flag, but I am also trying to be as understanding and empathetic as possible (which is probably why I keep "losing" that battle).  I would be very interested to hear what some others have done or would do in a similar situation.

The next few hours are going to be interesting... .I'm going to try to use what I learned today to handle the grudge that is being held from yesterday, now that my spouse just walked in.  It's nice to know I can come back here and talk if things go further south.  I'm never sure who should be the first to "break" when being given the silent treatment, considering they were the one that walked out.  It's almost always me, because I'm afraid my spouse won't, but sometimes they're not ready and I end up making it worse... .

Thanks for the love, guys 

(ps--cloudten, I'm glad you get it  !  I started using this username for everything when I was a Music Ed major in college... .going for the "pretentious nerd", I guess , then it just stuck)