Wedding Anniversary Approaching. . .

[vortex of confusion]

And I want to skip it.

I looked at the calendar today and realized that our 17th anniversary is in 3 weeks.

Our 15th and 16th anniversaries were horrid. . .

15th. . .

I wrote a cheesy post on FB with a song and story for each of the years that we had been married. He did nothing. I asked him to hook up the VCR so we could watch our wedding tape with the kids. He didn't.

We were experimenting with an open relationship at the time. . .He didn't want me talking to anybody but him. I complied. Day after our anniversary, he tells me to screw this other guy. I didn't do it. The idea that he wanted me to go have sex with another guy the day after our anniversary still bugs me to this day.

16th. . .

I asked him to plan a date. It started out that I wanted him to arrange babysitting. My mom and the kids worked that out so he didn't have to do anything. Took the kids to mom's house. His idea of planning the date was to tell me, "Let's go get something to eat and go to the thrift store." Not a bad thing but he couldn't choose a place to eat. Spent the the entire time going back and forth about where to eat. While in the car, I made the mistake of asking him if he would marry me again if given the chance. His answer was NO! I know it was my fault and I shouldn't have asked the question at all. That doesn't change the fact that it hurt.

A day or two after our anniversary, he had a chance to meet up with one of his online female friends. He was soo excited about it. He could get excited about planning a date with this other girl but he couldn't get excited about planning a date with me. His discussion of where to go with her and what to do with her even included him talking about sleeping with her. I have talked to people that have done the open relationship thing. Even they have said that what he did was insensitive and rude, especially if I am his wife and the mother of his kids.

So. . .our anniversary is coming up and I want to skip it because the closer it gets the more I am reminded of the last two years of hell. And that doesn't even take into account all of the years where I have cooked him dinners and tried to make our anniversary special. He doesn't get me gifts. If I am lucky, he might post something nice on FB, but even that is crap because I would much rather him do something nice and personal for me directly. I feel like his nice FB posts are an attempt to make himself look good without actually doing anything.

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[vortex of confusion]

I just realized that I didn't really ask a question.

My question would be: Has anybody else felt extreme anxiety over an upcoming event like an anniversary? If so, how did you combat the anxiety?

If my husband's current behavior is any indication of how things will go, it is quite likely that he is going to pour things on pretty thick. For mother's day, he did more than he has ever done before. While I really appreciate what he did, I kept help but feel like it is too little too late. Quite frankly, it all makes me nervous because I feel like I am supposed to be falling all over myself with happiness that he is finally doing this kind of stuff. I am not falling all over myself and am, quite frankly, very skeptical of it all.

[ASD]

I follow your posts, and find a lot of sense in what you say, and a lot of similarities in our experiences.

I experience anxiety about all upcoming holidays and/or events.  They will invariably be ruined by some evil-doer who upsets my BPD SO and it's all their fault. 

I've had Thanksgiving ruined by her mother because she said something that was taken as insensitive while she was trying to do laundry so we had to leave the house with no dinner and sit in silence in our apartment.  That was my first Thanksgiving - welcome to America!  I've had  birthdays ruined because I bought the wrong gift, or any gift.  It goes on... .  Our 13th anniversary was this past weekend.  It passed largely quietly but she raged a bit because I didn't pay the parking meter properly when we arrived at a dinner she had arranged. 

In a few days I'll be told off for not making a bigger deal of it and that's why she's so miserable, lonely and alone.  Yet, if I do buy gifts or want to arrange something I stress her because she worries about money (with no merit, we're fine financially) and she gets mad that I spend money.

I also experience the feeling that I should be grateful when she's trying because it might encourage her, or because she is trying, but I don't feel it.  I feel like it's too over the top and too late.  If she gets wind of that though then there's an explosion.  For example, she's decided lately that every single day she is going to leave inspirational notes in my wallet and the kids' lunches.  Nice, right?   Well if she doesn't get the appropriate thanks at the appropriate time, every day.  Then when she's pis$ed she reminds everyone that no one appreciates her thoughtful gestures.  It's like they're done so she has ammo.

She just called to rant at me about the fact that I have to work 2 hours extra tonight.  I talk to my son who tells me that she's bruised because his sister hit her with the cart in WalMart by mistake.  So I ask if mommy is ok and he says yes.  I ask if his sister is ok, and she grabs the phone and asks what I think she's done to our daughter.  I say nothing, I am asking if she's upset with herself and she tells me that yes she's very dramatic and anyone would think they're abused.  Then her sarcasm kicks in and tells me that she is abusive, as I have told her.  My daughter is in pain inside, I know she is from her voice and because she's so much like me.  She doesn't know what to do to fix the situation; how could she, she's 9!

At some point I'm going to have to face the fact that I have to leave her and find a way to get the kids away from her. 

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you ASD!

It is such difficult territory to navigate.

I know that I have gotten upset over gifts that my husband has given me. The reason is that the gifts are things that I don't like. It isn't me being picky either. I have been telling stories of how much I hate getting pajamas as presents because my mother used to get me and my sisters matching pajamas when we were younger. I can remember being in high school and my mother would get me and my sisters super corny matching pajamas. Last Christmas, he got me WHITE pajamas. I had to try with all of my might to NOT be hurt by it. After all, he did make the effort to get me something. And he got me jewelry too. Most women would be happy about that. I have never liked jewelry. I would have been happier with a tool set. It is like I have to be happy with anything that he does because he did it.

Yesterday, I tried to bring up our anniversary because it is a sore spot with me. Pretty much all other holidays I can deal with without any problem. I think it is because of all of the memories attached to our anniversary. There are times when I feel like he has made a mockery of our marriage. I remember when my oldest was younger, she and I dressed up and had a candlelight dinner ready for him when he got home from work. I didn't have a babysitter so I found a way to celebrate with the kids. What did he do? Nothing. Another year, his dad had surgery. That was out of his control but he spent the day at the hospital with his dad. It was his dad that finally told him to go home and spend some time with me since it was our anniversary. Another year, it flooded around our anniversary so we never got to do anything. Just lots and lots of painful memories.

I am wondering if there is a way to do something different to create new memories.

[ASD]

I am wondering if there is a way to do something different to create new memories.

I have desperately tried to create new memories and new traditions just for our little family.  My wife doesn't get along with her mother (she is no angel, but still it's her mother) and they're not much for getting together and having fun.  My family is spread out all over the world and my wife hates them.  In order to try and create some cohesion and happiness I try to get us all to do walks together, eat together at a table, do something special on special days.  It's all pointless.  Why should we bother ... .her words.  Yet, she complains so bitterly at not having a big family and good traditions.  No win situation.

Every time that comes up I am the evil one because I won't have a 3rd child.  I think that if I agreed to have a 3rd child I should be committed; who would bring another human being into this situation knowing what I know now?  That's a constant source of irritation.

I try very hard to listen to what she wants when she does talk about gifts.  I spent weeks looking online for the perfect purse for her after listening to color ideas and brands and even seeing ones she liked.  I got one finally, and was confident it was right.  So stupid.  It was wrong, of course.  Very wrong.    She's obsessive about exercise so to help her track her progress I got a Fit Zip.  I measured her calories wrong - the machine was wrong - so I was wrong and it had to go back. 

Now I am at the point where I don't even think about gifts or dates because they'll be wrong and that, in and of itself, is wrong.  In that point she is right, it is wrong but how could I keep going when every time I do something I get knocked down.  I saw all these warning signs early in our relationship and I didn't get out.  I was frozen by fear of the unknown, of the break up itself and by my own co-dependency.  I hope my kids forgive me one day.

[vortex of confusion]

Now I am at the point where I don't even think about gifts or dates because they'll be wrong

Thanks for saying this! I need to check myself and make sure that I have not inadvertently done this to my husband because I have spoken up about some things.

I think that might go back to the question in the thread about when to shrug it off and when to say something. I think I need to do a better job of shrugging things off when it comes to him giving me gifts that I see as thoughtless. My husband will do things as an afterthought and do it half azzed and then I am supposed to jump for joy. When I don't, he probably feels defeated and feels that sense of "why bother?"

I definitely need to think on this some more.

[Lovingme35]

Thank you ASD!

It is such difficult territory to navigate.

I know that I have gotten upset over gifts that my husband has given me. The reason is that the gifts are things that I don't like. It isn't me being picky either. I have been telling stories of how much I hate getting pajamas as presents because my mother used to get me and my sisters matching pajamas when we were younger. I can remember being in high school and my mother would get me and my sisters super corny matching pajamas. Last Christmas, he got me WHITE pajamas. I had to try with all of my might to NOT be hurt by it. After all, he did make the effort to get me something. And he got me jewelry too. Most women would be happy about that. I have never liked jewelry. I would have been happier with a tool set. It is like I have to be happy with anything that he does because he did it.

Yesterday, I tried to bring up our anniversary because it is a sore spot with me. Pretty much all other holidays I can deal with without any problem. I think it is because of all of the memories attached to our anniversary. There are times when I feel like he has made a mockery of our marriage. I remember when my oldest was younger, she and I dressed up and had a candlelight dinner ready for him when he got home from work. I didn't have a babysitter so I found a way to celebrate with the kids. What did he do? Nothing. Another year, his dad had surgery. That was out of his control but he spent the day at the hospital with his dad. It was his dad that finally told him to go home and spend some time with me since it was our anniversary. Another year, it flooded around our anniversary so we never got to do anything. Just lots and lots of painful memories.

I am wondering if there is a way to do something different to create new memories.

I have been through a couple of holidays and special event days with my BP partner. I have learned not to expect much from each day. I try not to even make too much out of it leading up to the event, in hopes of keeping the day calm. I would focus on doing something for yourself and your partner that makes you feel special. I think going into the day with an expectation from your partner will only lead into disappointment. As far as gift giving goes, I hinted to my partner for three months before my birthday on what to get me. I never came out and said that I would like a new watch, but I complained a lot about the broken one that I was still wearing, looked at watches on Amazon in front of him while commented on colors I really liked, then left the page open on the computer. A month after my birthday, I got my special watch. Last week was our one year anniversary. I only mentioned it once because I wanted to keep the day as calm as possible. We ended up grilling steaks and having a casual dinner as if it were any other day. The best part was that everyone was happy, there was no turmoil and no fighting. No expectations and we were all happy.