Kids' mom doesn't want H to teach them

[kells76]

I’m still pretty new here, so thanks in advance for any help. My first post is just a few below here and has some background. There are two issues coming up that my husband and I might have to discuss with the girls’ mom & her husband. I’ll post the first one in this thread and get to the second one later.

First, the kids are at a small alt school. They get a lot of one-on-one attention, can learn at their own pace, and according to their teachers are generally thriving. H has been volunteering at the school for about a year and has been asked to go on staff (yay H!), but when Mom found out, she emailed to say she had “concerns” about the girls’ emotional well-being with H teaching at the school. She’s gonna meet with the head of the school here soon, and I imagine if she got her druthers, H would be un-hired lickety split.

On the one hand, this is fine. H & I trust these teachers – they’re wise, calm, and insightful, so I think they’ll have an idea as to what’s going on. On the other hand, we wouldn’t put it past Mom to pull the kids out. Given that Mom doesn’t trust H to act in the kids’ best interest, my questions for you guys are: If logic isn’t a leg to stand on, how do you have a discussion about the kids’ emotional health & resilience with the other parent? When I slow down & think about it, Mom is probably pretty scared and actually believes (maybe?) that the girls will suffer with H around. I’m not seeing us as being able to say “Actually, your fears are unfounded and pure projection” and her saying “Oh, okay! I just didn’t know!” How can these fears be addressed without legitimizing them – especially in a way that lets the girls have the stability of their school environment? Also, have any NCPs had to deal with the other parent pulling kids out of school? Did you let it go in order to keep conflict down, or was that your line in the sand?

[GaGrl]

Would the girls actually be instructed by their dad?  Or would he be on staff but not necessarily instructing their classes?

[kells76]

Hi Gagrl, thanks for your quick reply!

Funny you should ask... .I think Mom's first assumption was that H would be directly teaching them. He did a test lesson with older D's class that went awesomely. However, he decided (before Mom found out) that it would probably create too much conflict with Mom to teach that class, so he'll be teaching another one. Even after Mom found this out, she still set up the meeting with the other teachers. I'm wondering if Mom's only leg to stand on here will be presenting the position that just having H in the vicinity will be too emotionally troubling for the girls. Again, I think the other teachers will probably see through that, but still we worry... .

In fact, you guys might be able to relate to the worry that once the other teachers see through Mom, she might crack and then who knows what she'll pull once she gets found out.

[kells76]

Interestingly, older D just talked with H today, and told him she wants him to be her teacher. H asked if she'd talked with Mom about this, & she hadn't -- yet. D didn't want H talking to Mom about it, so ball is in D's court. Hoping for her that if this is what she really wants, she can find her voice with Mom.

Anyway, just an update. Thanks again to the crowd here -- it's nice to not feel like H & I are the only ones dealing with... .unique coparenting situations.

[bravhart1]

It what way would dad being at school harm them? I guess I just don't understand the point?

She probably hasn't elaborated, but I would push the issue to find out her exact problem with it. It is kind of a cop out to just throw out "they will be psychologically harmed" without backing up her exact reasons, or how she sees that happening.

[kells76]

Hey bravhart1,

If I'm understanding how BPD works, I think what's going on is that when Mom says the kids will be negatively emotionally impacted by Dad teaching them, and that she's not willing to risk that, what she really means is that SHE will be negatively emotionally impacted by Dad teaching, and SHE doesn't want to feel that.

I think it felt pretty out of control for her to find out after the fact that Dad had accepted the job at the girls' school, and maybe she has identified so strongly with the girls (especially older D) that she's projecting her upcoming negative feeling onto them.

I think she also has some understanding that the girls actually like H, and the more people (kids' friends, friends' parents, other teachers) see the normal, loving relationship girls have with H, it's like there would be less for Mom -- you know, like both parents can't be loving parents, there can only be one, and if other people think H is a loving parent, clearly Mom has to be the all-bad parent. At least, that might be how she feels or what she fears.

I kind of like your idea, though -- in a way it would be illuminating to have H just ask Mom "OK, lemme have it: list all the specific things you're worried will happen to kiddos if I teach them". Would be interesting if Mom can't list specifics. On the other hand, both H & myself have been assuming that to ask Mom how she's feeling would be to open up a doorway for Mom to dump vitriol on H, and neither H nor myself is quite at the point of wanting that for him.

Overall, yeah, it is a nebulous copout to say basically "Well, it doesn't matter what the specifics are, I just am their MOM and so I KNOW them better than you and I just KNOW how it would TRAUMATIZE them.” Totally with you there. That isn’t helpful for coparenting. The converse of that is, if H asks Mom for her specific fears, what if Mom’s fears are specific yet not grounded in reality? I’m not sure it’s healthy for H to serve as a dumping ground for Mom’s fantasy anxieties.

And now with older D able to tell H that she actually wants him to be her teacher, Mom is really going to be in a corner if D tells her the same thing. I wonder if Mom isn’t just going to try to make the whole thing disappear: “Well, I NEVER had a problem with it, but you CLEARLY didn’t communicate well with D”.

Anyway, that was good food for thought – maybe now really is the time, when Mom is kind of on the ropes, for H to see what her specific, though possibly unreal, concerns were. Hard to know what he should do. And any tips on how to stay supportive of the girls, and of reality, and how they genuinely feel, would be much appreciated.

[bravhart1]

We kind of deal with this same situation around health concerns mom has. For example if mom is sick then we get an email from mom saying her child is sick. (Even as usually when child is with with us, and has had NO contact with mom) so H has tried to respond thanks for letting us know, but we aren't seeing any symptoms and mom responds with well you aren't as close to child and I just feel she is sick (projection). H has even responded with saying I'm sorry I didn't know YOU were sick and she still doesn't get it.

For your situation I think it would be ok to just proceed with whatever H wants to do, and if mom( who yes is probably responding to HER fear H will use his time at school to form a closer bond with his children) can come up with some concrete reasons why having a parent at school will in fact harm his children ( I can't even think of one if I try) then that can be addressed. Maybe think of some way to point out at that time how mom could use her ability to see into the future as a huge money maker. ( sorry I get sarcastic when I'm trying to use logic on a un logical person)

This whole BPD thing really sucks and I'm having a hard time myself right now with our BPDm. Sometimes I just want to develop my own mental illness so I can do and say whatever I want and have everyone walk around trying to not upset me. It's so hard when they cause so much drama and financial expense and then get a pass and extra compassion, and the child suffers and they can't be bothered with seeing that.