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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I think DSD18 is catching on, and it feels kind of sudden...  (Read 395 times)
sanemom
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« on: May 14, 2015, 10:24:51 PM »

DSD18 and her mom have been very enmeshed for a while now, and her mom has really tried to alienate DSD from her dad... .but I finally think it is failing.  We had several years in court fighting to get counseling with her, but BPD mom had the GAL fooled, and when we finally got it court ordered, the GAL interfered with the court-ordered counseling (crazy, I know) so it just didn't happen.  We finally stopped court last summer.

I showed her the Pluto DVD before Christmas and things seemed to be going well enough for a while, but the communication stopped again, and I could sense something was going on.  The other day I had a long talk with her... .after she had refused to celebrate her dad's birthday a few weeks ago or come to her little sister's birthday.  She only is scheduled to come two weekends a month, and we rarely hear from her otherwise.  She ignores our texts, etc.

Anyway, she admitted she had been bitter for the past three years, and she was ready to work through it (she also mentioned that she didn't think court ordered counseling would have worked... .whatever... .that is BPD mom's party line, I am sure).  All I know is that since court was over this summer, we would have a good visit with her, and between visits she would drudge up negative emotions toward us out of the blue.  It was frustrating... .I mean, no interaction but she gets upset anyway?  And bitter for THREE years about the lawsuit DH filed against her mom trying to force counseling as he watched her get more and more alienated?   That seems a little ridiculous to me... .I tend to think that BPD mom tried to keep it as fresh as possible.

Anyway, we had a great time at a dinner, and I drove her home and I mentioned how "See, if you spend more time with us, the bitterness can start to dissipate.  When you stay home and nurse it, it will never leave."  That is when we started talking... .she said she had been bitter, and even if her dad didn't mean to hurt her, he did... .just like if he were having a seizure in car and hit her in a wreck.  I appreciated that analogy, but then I said, "I get that your dad hurt you--totally get it--but what I don't get is that from my perspective, BOTH of your parents hurt you, yet you only hold HIM culpable."  And I explained how she didn't ever have to see the papers in the first place and described that scene where her mom was going on and on about her dad filing the lawsuit.  She seemed to acknowledge that happened but wasn't ready to discuss her mom's role yet, but she WAS NOT DEFENSIVE.  I told her that we feel that her dad gets set up to disappoint them on a regular basis.  DSD feels like she has been attacked for some things she had done when she was younger and didn't know (stuff her mom manipulated her to do like get rid of the special gifts her dad bought her, etc) , and I told her I am sorry--I see them as data points for her to understand why her dad was fighting so hard for counseling--not trying to hold her responsible when she was immature.   

Anyway, she wants to hash this out one more time with him and move forward in their relationship now.  She thinks their relationship can be even stronger because of this.  She wants them to understand each other's perspective.  She acknowledged that although she has been mad at him, she also remembers all the good times from her childhood (he raised her by himself from the ages of 4 to 13).  She feels like she has grown a lot from the drama, is more self-sufficient, etc.  And, what made me happiest, she is so ready to go to college because she wants to get away from "people" (aka this whole mess, I am sure).  I told her that I think it will be the best thing for her.  I think that the further she gets away from BPD mom, the better able she will start to see this mess for what it has been.

DSD saw DH tonight at a concert and gave him a hug--BPD mom was around the corner, but apparently saw the hug because they left early before congratulating DSS on his performance (probably trying to hide her irritation about the hug from DSD).  I can tell that BPD mom is acting out more and more bc the boys have been coming home the past two weekends all shut down.

My only concern is that this seemingly all of a sudden realization will disappear as soon as it came and wondering where is it coming from... .is it because BPD mom is acting up again so when BPD mom settles down we will be right back where we started?  It is hard not to consider possible ulterior motives, but maybe she is realizing that she will moving out soon and needs to fix things that she has let fester for years.
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Turkish
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« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2015, 11:09:49 PM »

It sounds like she is a mature young woman despite it all, and is becoming able to discern things better, both with her parents, and more importantly within herself. It sounds hopeful, sanemom.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Panda39
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« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2015, 07:30:30 AM »

The  Idea is flickering back on for your SD  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) That has got to be so exciting and in my opinion once the light is on it can't be turned back off.

My SO was alienated (older daughter in particular) from both his daughter's during the separation and divorce from their mother.  During that period in particular because of the court case no one really talked honestly about anything the uBPDxw was just the huge elephant in the room that everyone ignored.

Once the divorce was final the battle was over and both parents went their separate ways and began living their lives.  This is when the girls began to truly see their parents for who they were.  Dad was doing the parenting/caring for them and mom was sliding down to the natural conclusions of her actions... .which at this point in time is court for felony fraud.  I think eventually they can't reconcile what the BPD parent says and what the Non parent is actually doing.

I also agree with Turkish kids mature and the BPD parent is just stuck (I think my SO's uBPDxw is about 15) and D18 has passed her by and D14 is on her way.

Just keep those lines of communication open and I think you are in for good things.

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sanemom
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« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2015, 11:33:04 AM »

The  Idea is flickering back on for your SD  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) That has got to be so exciting and in my opinion once the light is on it can't be turned back off.

My SO was alienated (older daughter in particular) from both his daughter's during the separation and divorce from their mother.  :)uring that period in particular because of the court case no one really talked honestly about anything the uBPDxw was just the huge elephant in the room that everyone ignored.

Once the divorce was final the battle was over and both parents went their separate ways and began living their lives.  This is when the girls began to truly see their parents for who they were.  :)ad was doing the parenting/caring for them and mom was sliding down to the natural conclusions of her actions... .which at this point in time is court for felony fraud.  I think eventually they can't reconcile what the BPD parent says and what the Non parent is actually doing.

I also agree with Turkish kids mature and the BPD parent is just stuck (I think my SO's uBPDxw is about 15) and D18 has passed her by and D14 is on her way.

Just keep those lines of communication open and I think you are in for good things.

I hope you are right... .DSD was often the flying monkey for BPD mom causing all kinds of trouble for us with court and the GAL (with her crazy stories to the GAL).  Court has been over almost a year--maybe DSD is seeing things for what they are now that the dust has settled.  Maybe the court drama hooks them in too much to see clearly.

I guess it just seems so surreal because even as recent as a few weeks ago, she was being passive aggressive towards her dad, probably because her BPD mom wanted her to, and now, all of a sudden, she says she is ready to stop.  She still won't admit her BPD mom is doing things (I asked her if she is feeling pressured not to text, and she claims she isn't, but I am not sure I buy that).  

And I have more assurance that this is real after last night--DH was at DSS's performance, and BPD mom was there with DSD.  :)SD saw DH and gave him a big hug.  BPD mom was a bit away, but we are pretty sure she saw the hug because they left immediately after (likely in a huff), not even waiting for DSS to come out.
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Waddams
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« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2015, 12:54:22 PM »

Without your DH to focus her wrath on in the court fight, maybe DSD has been caught in her in mom's cross hairs a few times now.

As for the court case, I think the best explanation might be to simply tell her that DH dind't believe what was happening was what was best for her, it was actually hurting her, so he filed the case to try to fight for her best interests and needs AS HE BEST JUDGED THEM TO BE.  In other words, he did his best for her based on what he knew at the time.  Of course, it was hard on everyone, and he realizes that too.  Then simply have an agreement that they both love each other, want to fix things, and move forward, and relegate more discussion about the court conflict to a later time after some reunification has taken place.  Love each other first basically.

Maybe even engage a reunification therapist to help them out?
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sanemom
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« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2015, 01:23:02 PM »

Maybe even engage a reunification therapist to help them out?

Ironically, that is the main thing we were fighting for in court, and BPD mom fought against it tooth and nail and even got the GAL to go against it.  DSD made the comment to me the other day that she didn't think court-mandated counseling would have helped, but I disagree (didn't argue at the time)... .she's been holding onto 3 years of bitterness she claims?  I am quite certain a good therapist would not have allowed that bitterness to linger that long.
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