She has too much power

[ASD]

It really bothers me how my BPD wife can decide the way my days goes.  I know I have the power to decide that, and it's only by letting her in that I let her decide, but I don't know how to shut it off. 

Today everything was fine.  I was a little irritated with her because she woke me up having woken up 2 hours before me, and expected me to be chirpy.  However, the day went on ok, and we talked a lot on the phone and normal household stuff.  Then she gets calls from an in-patient facility that she called.  They want her to go in as in-patient to address eating disorders and BPD.  She only wants to out-patient.  We were going to call the place together from my office on her way to pick up the kids.  I get out of my lunch appointment to hear that she had a frustrating time putting gas in the car and missed a call from the place.  That ruined her day.  She was bringing me my suit jacket which I forgot at home and in trying to clarify where we'd meet she got really upset. 

Once she's upset that's it.  The text messages started flying with insults and innuendo.  I've let it ruin the rest of my day.  I haven't done half the work I need to, and all I want to do is be alone in a dark room but I have to stay at work for a reception that I am hosting.  There is nothing I'd like to do less that look cheerful in front of 100 people right now. 

I have given her this power, and she knows it.  How do I retake it?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

So sorry that she went off on you.  Work on de-personalizing this stuff.  It took me a long time!  The other night my wife told me that she filed for divorce because we made too much for our son to get financial aid.  In a weird way, yes it's insulting but it wasn't about me and I knew that.  Unfortunately, we get the fallout of their crap.  We have to be strong.

[paintingitblack]

It sounds like you know she only lets you to have power over you because you let her, but you let her anyway. Old habits die hard. The first thing and best thing you can do is to not react to her jabs and insults. As said before do not take it personally because it is way more about her than about you. She is looking for a rise out of you. Tell her you will talk to her when she is ready to talk civilly and leave it at that. Don't let her bait you into coming back at her with cheap shots. When you react, you lose. And therefore give her power. Later you can bring up that you will not tolerate being called names like that and you do not deserve it. Dating a BPD will sometimes make you feel like you're the only adult in the relationship. My advice is to just command respect but also answer her complete irrational demeanor with a cool head. Talk ration to her later, but when she is in the midst of a hissy fit don't waste your breath. Don't be a door mat but don't fly off the handle either. Try to walk that line.

[Infern0]

You have to command respect or you'll end up minced.

Just remember, you have to respect yourself before any one else will. Especially pwBPD.

I've found that often pwBPD WANT you to stand up for yourself and get worse when you don't.

[Notwendy]

I read somewhere, a while back about people who project feelings, and people who absorb them. Seems your wife was upset about the eating disorder thing and called you up to project her feelings out of her, and on to you. I have heard this described like someone with a stomach ache throwing up on you.

My mom would rage over the slightest thing, leave us kids traumatized, but afterwards, she would feel better as if it didn't happen. When my H raged, the same thing happened. He would feel all affectionate and remorseful, but I'd be shaken up. The way "projectors" manage their bad feelings is to get them out.

Although this is upsetting to anyone on the receiving end, I think people who are most effected by it have weaker boundaries. Paintingitblack and InfernO are correct when it comes to not responding, not taking the bait from the jabs, not being available to soothe her feelings and being able to soothe ourselves. Self soothing is a skill, and when your wife is upset, she contacts you to soothe herself.

Boundaries are about where I begin and where I end, what is you and what is me. This is hard to discern as a couple because obviously two people are tuned into each other's feelings. But these issues belong to your wife: it is her eating disorder, her car to put gas in- something every 16 year old kid needs to learn to do.

What is your side? This is your job and you can be unavailable at times when you are at work. Turn off your phone ( even if there is an extinction burst with her freaking out- you are not available when you work). This is also your suit jacket, and while it makes sense to ask her to help, bringing this into her day may not work- buy what you might need- an extra shirt ( in case of a coffee spill) and a jacket and keep them in your office. You can help her set up her appointments and put gas in the car if you wish, when you are available.

Talking about boundaries and asserting yourself verbally can be triggering, but actions are effective. You don't have to tell your wife you are keeping a jacket at work, just do it. You can tell her that at certain times you are not available. Don't make these boundaries about her, make them about you. " I can't take calls during meetings" " "I can't talk about your appointment during meetings honey,  but we can talk at 3:00pm". Be prepared to have a boundary tested and stick to it.

[Notwendy]

Maroon, you know that financial aid idea is crazy but have you looked into the facts? I am not certain about this but I think some colleges consider custodial parent income alone, but others consider combined income even in a divorce.

Also, while this info is entered on to the FAFSA  and CSS forms as a service to colleges, the colleges decide how to award financial aid on their own. Some colleges use FAFSA only, some use CSS which considers more sources of aid. Not all colleges meet full financial need regardless of what info is on these forms. Some colleges offer students grants and some loans, and some a combination.

It is possible that this divorce "scheme" would result in not getting much more financial aid and/or transferring any savings from this idea into debt that you and your child might take on. The colleges that tend to offer the best financial aid are the very competitive ones, like Harvard, which no student, even the best student is guaranteed admission to as about 5% of applicants get accepted each year. So your child might have a perfect record and not get in. If he does have the grades to get into Harvard, then there are colleges that would likely give him merit aid, and you don't have to get divorced for that.

At the very least, if this scheme works, this is fraudulent. Financial aid exists for students who really have no other means of support. Many families are in the position where college is a financial stretch, but there are more affordable options: community colleges, state colleges which are alternatives to this divorce scheme.

On the other hand, if you no longer wish to be married, this divorce idea is one way to do it, so you might just want to keep quiet and go along with it. You will then be divorced like any other divorced couple. The financial aid will then be determined by the college accordingly.

[an0ught]

Hi ASD,

good to see that you see you got a problem  . Not being happy with the status quo is the first step to change.

The state you describe is typical for an enmeshed relationship. The solution is often quite simple - boundaries.

Boundaries break the sense of control. The problem here is with "break" - getting your first boundaries in place can be a struggle first against yourself, your own fears and then having the guts to go through an extinction burst. The good news is that after the first one or two it usually gets a lot easier to set the other boundaries and your feeling of being fully controlled by her will be lifted quickly.

Have you seen this workshop BOUNDARIES - Living our values ?

Once she's upset that's it.  The text messages started flying with insults and innuendo.  I've let it ruin the rest of my day.  I haven't done half the work I need to, and all I want to do is be alone in a dark room but I have to stay at work for a reception that I am hosting.  There is nothing I'd like to do less that look cheerful in front of 100 people right now. 

How did you react to her messages?