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Author Topic: Lord help me this weekend  (Read 355 times)
Hmcbart
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married for 17 years and together for 19.
Posts: 486



« on: May 15, 2015, 06:48:39 PM »

I get an opportunity to bring my family to a private resort for a company function. The place is extremely nice. She has to drive down after the kids get out if school but it's all good I'm ok with it. I had to come down earlier for work.

As soon as she gets here she is already unhappy. The fact that you have to drive or take a private shuttle to the beach or anywhere else. You'd think I asked her to walk 500 miles to go anywhere.

She complained that we have to drive or take a shuttle to breakfast then to do a bike tour of the island then to the beach. What the heck, really? It's a private resort, we have a three bedroom villa on the golf course. Oh and did I mention it was a work function and it doesn't cost us a freaking dime.

I know after what happened 3 days ago she is still mad. She will be for several months I'm sure.

Please help me to remain calm and not explode. My boss is also here as well as clients and prospective clients. This has doom written all over it!
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10442



« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2015, 05:48:46 AM »

The idea of taking the family on a work-vacation sounds great in theory but it didn't work for me. I worked part time and had the chance to bring H and kids to some nice places. I tried this a couple of times and it didn't go well. I learned quickly that hotels have lists of sitters for hire and kids activity clubs where I could get help so I could attend the conferences. I also decided that this was not going to work and so, did not bring family to meetings with me. Family vacations are OK as I am there with the sole purpose of attending to my family.

This was one of my earliest boundaries- I do not bring my H to work meetings. (I eventually became a stay at home mom but that is another story). I could not control his behavior, but I could decide that if he was going to make this difficult to do, I would go without him because I don't need the stress of dealing with his moods when I am trying to work. My H has also attended plenty of meetings in nice places without me and the kids, although we have gone along with some of them once the kids were older and more independent.

So, how to survive the next few days? She may just decide to be a pill no matter what. In the middle of one trip, H decided to give me the ST and nothing I tried would stop that. Some survival tactics included getting the kids into some supervised group activities ( many resorts have them) which gave him some time to himself, use a hotel sitter so we, or he, could have some time alone. Is there a hotel salon? If your wife would like to get her nails or hair done, or a massage,  that would be something special for her. Making some of this about her, not about your job might help.

Then there is the consequences of behaviors. If going on work/family trips isn't peaceful, don't bring your family to the ones in the future. If she gets upset, you can simply say why, even if she doesn't like it. My H is quite aware that I stopped this for that very reason.

As to your own mood- do what you need to do to stay calm. Get a massage yourself, or take a nice walk. If she doesn't want to attend something, go by yourself. Even consider taking the kids out for a meal on your own, or to the playground or whatever it may be to get some peace if you can. You can tell her you are giving her a rest where she can do what she wants.

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Hmcbart
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married for 17 years and together for 19.
Posts: 486



« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2015, 08:23:02 AM »

Survived last night and this morning. I forget the silent treatment and attitude only comes out when we are not around others. She is a great politician.

It's my mind set that I am focused on. She can be hateful to me and then 5 minutes later talking to someone I work with and its all great. I have to remove it from my brain which is more and more difficult these days.

She will be at the beach with the kids today while I'm playing golf. I'm sure it will all start back as soon as I get back and we are behind closed doors.

Thanks for your support.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2015, 08:33:31 AM »

I've been the recipient of this turn it on and off ST many times. Around others, everything is wonderful. In private it is a different story.

What a bunch of garbage this is as it is something they can clearly control and is deliberate. I believe that it is done with intention to hurt us. It is also considered a form of verbal abuse ( read Patricia Evans' books for a great description of this).

This was something I worked on with a sponsor. I knew that the only way to stop this, if I could, was to get to a point where it didn't work for them. There is a payoff to every behavior and the only one I can think of to this one is that it works- beautifully. It makes us squirm, we are powerless. They control it all. Except if it doesn't work because it no longer bothers us. Either way, we are OK because if they continue to do it, we are not bothered by it, but so what.

The last time this happened to me was a while ago, and it took a sponsor on the phone with me the whole time to talk me out of responding to him. ( I would go to the ladies' room to call her)This included a long car ride home, just the two of us with him not saying a word- and me calling the sponsor in tears at bathroom stops- for boundary talks- this is his behavior, you have the choice of how you respond. I just entertained myself reading, listening to music, even if I was cringing to myself. It would seem unbelievable but I did get to the point where I could detach from this. Maybe it has happened since, but it doesn't take as long because if he does this, I just go about my business. But I credit my sponsor ( codependency) for being on call while I freaked out to help me.
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Hmcbart
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married for 17 years and together for 19.
Posts: 486



« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2015, 05:28:09 PM »

Is you spouse always late. I think that drives me crazier than anything. We are supposed to be at a banquet at 6:30 pm its 6:25 pm and she is still in the bathroom getting ready. The kids will probably miss their dinner at the banquet.
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10442



« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2015, 05:37:53 PM »

Nope, but my mother is late most of the time. Don't know if it is deliberate or not.

Any way you can take the kids and have her come when she is ready? That could rock the boat but the kids are hungry.
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Hmcbart
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married for 17 years and together for 19.
Posts: 486



« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2015, 06:45:19 PM »

I appreciate the replies during the weekend, I almost blow a gasket last night and again this morning. She always acted like the nicest most precious lady in the world in front of everyone else. When the doors closed however... .the devil. I was constantly blamed for her lateness along with everything else.

I will be flying to Florida in the morning for 2 days if training. It will be the most peaceful two days I have had in a while. I will be ignoring most of her calls... .I will be studying.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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