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Author Topic: Why the silent treatment?  (Read 367 times)
Jessica84
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« on: May 17, 2015, 12:07:21 AM »

Why do pwBPD give silent treatments? Do they enjoy it? Is it meant to punish us?

Tonight I knew he was already upset about something that had nothing to do with me. Somehow I got the brunt of it. He started an argument that was so weird and nonsensical. Everything I said got twisted so I stopped talking, tried to brush it off and kept watching the movie. I didn't realize how mad he was until the silent treatment. After about an hour I got uncomfortable sitting in awkward silence. I tried to ride it out but I felt more unwelcome there by the minute. Finally I told him I was leaving. He pretended not to hear me. Few minutes after I left he starts with the ugly texting. To be honest, I preferred him ignoring me to sending rude texts. Why all the texting when he was so enjoying NOT speaking to me?

I wrote him back "Good night". He wrote back "No it wasn't". I refused to keep it going so I only responded to the last text asking if I made it home safe. I can't deal with him when he's like this. Anyone else experience these awkward random silent treatments? Other than leaving, is there any way to end it or at least feel at peace when it's happening 2 feet away from you?
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2015, 12:28:19 AM »

I hope you get some good advice about the silent treatment. I can tell you that I've been on the receiving end from BPDh, and I'll also admit that I've done it to him. I think he does it because he's stonewalling or punishing me, whereas I think I've done it because I may be upset, but I can't talk to him(because I fear he'll dysregulate).

I've found that ignoring it works best. The times I haven't, and break down and ask what is wrong just seem to bring on a fight, or him claiming nothing is wrong, when the silent treatment and body language seem to say that there really IS something wrong. It's tough to know what to do, I know.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2015, 12:49:55 AM »

You're right. I ignored it as long as I could. I didn't bother asking him what was wrong in that state. He was mad and nothing I could do about it. I felt like a hostage. I didn't want to waste my Saturday night sitting at my BPDbf's house being ignored. Not exactly how I hoped to spend my weekend.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2015, 01:38:51 AM »

What the heck? He just sent me a weird text, like everything was ok with us. I could tell he was mad about something else so I checked his twitter status. Sure enough he started a social media war with other people! Great way to ruin his own weekend. This happens far too often now... .If he can't keep me painted black he finds new targets. What an awful way to live. He is way out of line and burning bridges with his friends (or people who try to be friends with him - he sure doesn't make it easy). I'm glad I left now. I would've had a bulls eye target on my forehead all night.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2015, 05:44:03 AM »

Have you read Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse? The ST is a particularly crafty form of it, and is also considered to be destructive.

To be fair to someone who uses it, he or she may not know exactly why they do it, but they know it works. It may have started with them pouting as a toddler and getting their way. Who knows. But if you see parents raising toddlers you can hear them say " use your words" encouraging them to solve their wants and frustrations by speaking, not having tantrums, pouting, or hitting.

IMHO, the ST is punitive. It is particularly irritating to me since my mother used it as punishment for whoever she was angry at. So when my H did it, it was effective for him, because it was so hard on me. I would do anything I could to break the silence. He did it a lot- enough to where I had had it with it. I also discovered Patricia Evan's books and tuned into the more subtle forms of VA that were being done. My H is good at this- although I don't know if his motive was about being hurtful or getting his way, but he knew it worked. He knows better than to use overt VA- calling me names and such, so the covert ones were brilliantly manipulative because I would get upset, he would look like he was doing nothing wrong ,and I would look like I was crazy to be upset over nothing. But the books were helpful in dealing with things like eye rolling, ST, telling me how I feel, and other tactics.

I am happy to say that much of this is diminished, not because I have some way of changing my H, but once I saw them for what they were, they had less effect on me. If I was home and H gave me the ST, I would leave-take the kids with me, or if they were occupied, go to a coffee shop or the library. If I stayed home or in the car, I would ignore him. I would call him out on it once- no pleading or begging. Simply say " It appears to me that you are upset about something, I can not read your mind. If you are willing to discuss this with me, let me know when you are available. " Making "I" statements - how this appears to me is better than making "you" statements. That's it. It took some time for this kind of thing to diminish, but if they don't get the payoff from it, they may stop, and if they don't, then at least the effect is less.

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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2015, 06:08:02 AM »

I think it is possible to tell a difference between the ST as punishment/manipulation and someone not talking because they are too upset to speak, or disengaging from a difficult conversation.

I have been given the ST while simultaneously watching H talk to others as if nothing is wrong, but somehow I am invisible. If he really is too upset to talk, then the statement " I see you are upset, I am available to talk when you are ready" works for that too, because it means, I am still here, but not expecting you to talk now.

I have disengaged from difficult discussions. If I think we are heading into one of those circular arguments, I do stop talking, or don't respond to triggering comments, but this is not the long dragged out ST. If asked, I will state that I don't feel comfortable continuing this discussion, not leave my partner wondering or in the cold

I believe that if someone were to be upset, begging me to talk to them, I would not respond with more silence as I think that is cruel. So, being silent is sometimes an appropriate response for the moment, but I think this has a different quality than the ST.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2015, 02:19:47 PM »

Thank you Notwendy. I'm so open to learning. I'll check out those books you mentioned.

I did tell him yesterday that I felt punished. He apologized and said that wasn't his intent. He was upset and didn't want to say anything to make it worse. I told him I appreciated that. I also slipped up and told him that the conversation itself was "not that big a deal" but that I was uncomfortable being ignored so I left. Wrong thing to say, I know. It was not that big a deal to me... .it was to him. Luckily I caught myself in time and validated that.

It's really interesting talking to him after an argument. How much he distorts the facts or even the tone of my voice or his. How quickly he forgets what he actually said versus what he thinks he said. Or what I said. He once threatened to carry a tape recorder so I could hear how "mean" I sound. I replied with "Good! I'd love to hear that!" He never brought it up again. Part of me thinks he knows the truth somewhere deep down. But the disorder sure clouds his memories of facts.
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