Hi Little0ne,
your description fits the dynamic of a BPD-BPD relationship in that it is highly volatile. Both sides struggle with their own emotions and can't handle much invalidation from the other side. We all agree invalidation is bad but life throws us a few curve-balls and handling them often makes or breaks an otherwise healthy relationship.
How do I make this work? I really really want to make this work. How do you guys handle your BPD partner, even if they trigger you? How should I look at myself to get a better grip on the relationship? I want to be with him.
we mostly don't handle our partner but handle ourselves. There is a lot of writing on problems with our partners and discussion of it but in the end how do we affect change? Ourselves is the only bit one can handle in any case. I tell this non members all the time, I tell this to you and sometimes I have to tell this myself. The situation may be overwhelming but then the only tool at hand fully under control is myself. That may sound frustrating but then this focus can also be quite liberating.
You will feel often and the end of your rope and have
little energy and even less patience to fix your partner. Boundaries, what you do and
more importantly what you don't do are important to save yourself what little you have and use it to the best ends.
BPD is not a choice and dealing with it is very hard. Still for BPD there are working therapy paths, DBT among them which are quite effective. BPD is one of the mental conditions where therapy has such a sustained impact that a big percentage won't fit BPD diagnostic criteria after therapy. This board can't help you dealing with your own BPD or your BPD related eating disorder. For this you need therapy.
This board could help you dealing with your partner - so therapy can focus on dealing with yourself.
LittleOne - what you need is DBT based skills. Skills that are very, very valuable in general (a lot of leadership/management training is quite similar) but due to your BPD are vital for yourself. Learning skills takes dedication, time, practice and a guide. There is no shortcut to it. DBT based skill will help you both for dealing with yourself and dealing with your partner (and school/job).
This board can help you learning validation and boundary skills for dealing with your partner. But without you doing the work for yourself and learning the same skills in a different context and applying them to yourself it will be for naught. You are asking the right questions "way that I can handle these thoughts". The answer is learning DBT with a therapist who can guide you through the process.
Learning better emotional self management and behavioral skills is a choice.
Are you or your partner diagnosed and in therapy?
