Hello, I need help.

[jmt]

I can't believe the amount of mental anguish and games my wife is playing on me.

I need help. I do my best to stay calm and centered and grounded, but she is relentless. this is too much and it is really like from another planet or something.

I really need help.

She is tearing apart our beautiful family. We have the nicest 2-year old boy in the world and I don't want him to start seeing all the messed up fights she gets us into.

And yes, I do blame her 100%. I've been dealing with her mental mess for many many years and I have been through years of me thinking it's my fault, me thinkingi it's both of our faults, me trying to work through things with a counselor with her, I CANT TAKE IT I RELLY NEED HELP

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

   

Hopefully, you have found a place that can help you find some tools and help you to get a bit of a grip.

This stuff if very difficult to navigate. When you refer to your wife's mental mess, what does that entail?

A good place to start might be the Lessons that you can find down the right side of the forum. There are lessons on understanding your partner's behavior, understanding your role, tools for communication, and other really helpful stuff.

One of the things that I have found helpful for me personally is to stop worrying about whose fault things are. I try to focus on the fact that things are broken and need fixed. Getting caught up in blame makes it difficult for me to move forward. I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my husband. I spent a whole lot of years thinking that I was the one that was messed up and that everything was my fault. It didn't help. Then, I swung to the opposite and started blaming my husband. That didn't work either. What worked was to look at my role and see what I could change without worrying about blame or fault.

Welcome to the forums! Is there anything specific that you want to ask about? I know when I found this place, I was overwhelmed and my head was swimming.

[jmt]

That's good advice, and I promise when I feel better I will come back and read. I ave no energy right now even tough a few hours have passed, I feel horrible.

I'll do my bext to explain my situation, but I don't really know where to stat except I'll answer your question about mental mess thing. What I mean by that is she can go from thinking I lierally an the best husband ever, acknowledging all the things I do, and "how did i get so lucky?", such a good dad, etc. etc. all that stuff to "i wish you die' you make me sick' you're a piece of s**t, etc etc

but it is more complicated than that, like the best way i can descibe it is things can be going super happy here at home, me and the baby having fun, some music on in the background, playing, etc. and she's all happy to her switching like a light switch and getting super angry and ugly and anxious and nasty, i guess that's what i mean by mental mess. she can ruin the day and it can come out of nowhere. then i will let her calm down, or go away for  couple hours and come back and she's all normal again, then she can flip back to this nasty anxious person, repeating random thoughts or statements, etc, ruining the day again. that's kind of the basic way of putting it i guess, i don't know. it's really bad, it wrecks my nerves and emotions since i tr to be calm and not angry in these times,

[Love Is Not Enough]

Hello jmt 

Wanted to join VOC in welcoming you. Sounds like you have found the right place. Sounds like behavior most of us have experienced. The sudden swings are mind boggling to say the least.

I want to echo VOC about the lessons on the right ===>

When you are feeling better be sure to take some time to read them and ask questions. They can be life changing when applied properly. They take some time and practice, but it can improve things tremendously.

Did things seem to get worse after the baby? The stress and hormone changes did a number on my SO. I think she had postpartum also. The added stress is a lot for a pwBPD. What else makes you think it could be BPD?

Welcome again and please stick around awhile!

[vortex of confusion]

A whole lot of people here can understand how difficult it is to describe the situation. When trying to explain it to somebody "normal", it is difficult to do without sounding and feeling bat crap crazy.

One day, my husband told me that I just didn't trip his trigger any more and a couple days later he was all over me. We had gotten to a point where he said that we needed to work on just being friends, blah, blah. And then a couple of weeks later, he was all, "You are MY wife and I love you and you are the only one for me, blah, blah, blah."

It takes a huge emotional toll because I don't know what to expect. One minute, I am trying to grieve over the loss of the relationship and the next I am expected to be all happy and go back to being a "wife". It makes no sense. And when I have tried to discuss it at different times, I get told, "I was angry when I sad that." OR, "I have changed my mind." It is confusing as can be. Things have gotten better but it still doesn't take away all of the pain and confusion that has happened.

[jmt]

Thanks for the replies.

Love, things did get worse after the baby, but really things have been getting worse steadily since right about when we got married. I asked her about that, saying that the first two years we were together she was so sweet and nice and i never saw this side of her and she responded with something like 'everybody hides something messed up about them until they are married' that's not word-for-word, but she said something to that extent, and wow, i do not agree with that statement. you get to know somebody better as you date them and years go by, and you get get comfortable with them, but not like that. when i look back, i can see now how anxious she was to get married, as if keeping up the normal/sweet side of her 24/7 was too much for her to take.

Vortex, yes she says the same stuff to me, from being the best husband that has ever existed to saying stuff like we should think about raising the kid separately, and (even though this doesn't affect me nearly as much anymore) she does tell me that she wished I would just die. it's really bad and i relate with you when you say that you feel like you have to jump from one 'role' to the other, like first you're a wife, then you're not, then you're back to being a wife. and YES she says the same stuff to me about she was "just angry" and "didn't mean any of it" which i can;t relate to and of course it is super confusing.

when i feel better i ill surely check out the lessons and advice on the right margin, thank you.

luckily i took a small nap when she was gone out with the baby (we were all supposed to go out together), then ended up getting a chance to leave for a bunch of hours and it made me feel better.

the tail end of what happened today that did me in was we got in the car to go out and she was super horrible in the car and i felt myself getting really really angry so i just asked to have her pull over and i walked home. i felt so bad doing that since i was really looking forward to getting out of the house after taking care of the baby by myself all morning and we were gonna take the baby to go get some ice cream and see some cows, but she ended up going there herself with the baby and I ended up was home alone.

After everything, she did send me a text apologizing and saying that she was at fault and she was sorry for what she did. even though that doesn't help everything, it does make a huge difference when she apologizes. that made me just feel a little better and i took a nap because i was so physically exhausted.