Need help with my wife

[jctennis]

To make a very long story short, I am a pastor and my BPD wife left me and took the kids last Sunday morning while I was at church. She told me to give her and the kids a kiss before i left and then we opened mothers day gifts. I told them i ll see them at church and now it has been a week since i have seen or spoken with my kids or wife. It is confirmed that she has gone to an abuse shelter. She has been telling me and her mom Im an emotional abuser for a year or so now and now even though we have been seeing counseling and we always bring this up and the counselor try to talk to her about her fears. she still flips a switch during any argument and says i'm abusing her. Im sure the abuse shelter is totally on her side, our therapist see's whats unstable about her and has since said the she needs more psychiatric help than she can give and that she will no longer treat my wife and recommend needs a psychiatrist. Her parents are completely on board with her about the abuse claims and don't know much about BPD or her mental state. It has truly been only a month since we have learned about BPD and how thats is almost certain whats going on with her Bipolar, depression/anxiety/ emotions for decades. I need some help on what to do. I want my kids back! I want my wife back! But since she's at an abuse shelter, Everything looks like I'm the emotional abuser. How can I get a professional to help show people whats going on? I just want my wife back. I don't know what she is being advised in the shelter and i can only pray she mentions BPD and ask for counseling their in the shelter. I would love for any reply to this post. Just feeling awfully isolated and helpless right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Loosestrife]

if I was in your situation I would seek legal advice re: your kids. You can't make your wife seek help.

[vortex of confusion]

   

Sounds like you are in a tough spot.

You might try to post on the legal board. There are lots of people there that have been through similar situations. Since you are a guy, you are at a distinct disadvantage. Is there anybody in the church that can help? Have you called the therapist to see if she can help on your behalf since she knows of your wife's diagnosis?

You can read through the lessons to try to understand her behavior and your possible role in things. I don't know how much that would help you since it seems like your goal right now is to see your kids and protect yourself from possible legal ramifications.

You might get better results on the legal board.

[Cole]

jctennis,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. In my years as a police officer, I saw real abuse and claims of abuse. Both were treated equally at the shelters; they provide services based on the woman's word, with or without evidence. That said, do not blame them; their job is only to provide a safe haven, not to pass judgement.   

You should make the first move and call an attorney who specializes in family law. This does not mean you have to get involved in the legal system or take their advise, but at least consult one. You need to protect yourself, your children, and your wife to the extent the law will allow. 

[Notwendy]

Sorry this is happening to you. I agree with the others about getting some legal counsel to defend yourself against any accusations.

I think it is helpful to read and understand the lessons here. Although it makes no sense to you that she has accused you of emotional abuse, the lessons on not making things worse, and understanding the idea of projection ( the tendency to blame others for feeling bad) and "feelings are facts" will hopefully help you understand why she might feel that way, even if it isn't true.

I thought my H was being verbally and emotionally abusive, and I was pretty much being co-dependent and accommodating. It was an eye opener to see that he felt I was being hurtful, and that he was retaliating. Much of that was unintended, but if he felt it, he believed it. Also, we are human and I did get angry and that was very hurtful to him. Some of it had nothing to do with me, but just what he was feeling at the time. We can not be responsible for their interpretations or feelings, but once I understood how my H perceived me, and learned that there were ways I was unintentionally contributing to this by reacting to his statements and getting into circular arguments, I was able to get a handle on my end of the situation.

As much as it hurts for her to be gone, a legal expert is probably better to advise on that one. However when someone leaves what they believe is an abusive relationship, it often is not planned. People are advised to make an escape plan and not tell the partner for their own safety( because sometimes the partner will become physically abusive when this happens). It is possible that she planned this and imagined how it would be. Now, she faces the reality of it. I hope for some plan to meet with you in a counseling situation. 

[Notwendy]

I meant to say that people who are leaving an (alleged here) abusive relationship are encouraged to make a plan, so it is planned ( not unplanned as I typed). It is possible that your wife has been thinking about this and had an escape plan. Sadly, her plans could have been built on some longer term hurts and resentments, even if that is her own projections.

I would think that the goal of a shelter is to help the women become self sufficient, and that would include counseling and help for your wife's emotional condition.

[MaroonLiquid]

JC,

     So sorry to hear about your situation.  My wife and I were associate pastors at our church up until almost 11 months ago when she dysregulated horribly, accused me of abuse to her family, rented another house behind my back, moved out and recently filed for divorce.  It is devastating, confusing and extremely painful to go through.  I would seek some counsel regarding your children, and in the meantime, take care of yourself!  Also, read up on the lessons to learn all you can and really seek God and do some soul searching about your part in the relationship and what you can do to change with or without her.  Just know that even though they can say, "it's over!", it more than likely isn't.  There is an "order to the disorder".  My wife and I still see each other romantically even though she filed for divorce.  I realize that she is a very confused individual and it is heartbreaking at times to see.  Make sure to set good boundaries for yourself, and don't take what she does personal even though it seems that everything is personal and all of her vitriol and smear campaigns are geared toward you.