Wondering in the wilderness wondering "What happened... "

[HubbyOfBPDWife]

I have been married to my W for over 35 years. Even before we were married I spent half of my time wondering what was going on. Having come from a traumatic childhood I was pre-programmed to believe that I was defective and that whatever she said about me was true. I have almost no self esteem and very little confidence.

A year ago I realized that I was so numb that I couldn't feel at all. I felt hopeless and powerless. I ended up going to see a therapist who specializes in trauma and the change in me has been amazing. For the first time in 45 years I can honestly say that I am not depressed most of the time. People that I know were convinced that I was having an affair because I was happier and had begun to take care of myself.

My W did not like this at all. Her behaviors intensified. Because of the boundaries I established all her emotional leverage was gone. Although she is normally not physically violent she hit me twice in the same month so I told her that I was going to divorce her if she didn't get help and she started seeing a counselor. It looks like she has her therapist convinced that she is a victim. Given that, I got her into marriage therapy with me and although it is a struggle I am able to create situations so that she displays her BP behaviors in front of the counselor. He seems to be slowly getting it (He is really good). In response she has suddenly turned into the perfect wife. I don't know how she does that! I have begun to wonder if instead of being BP she is simply a spoiled brat. I keep getting the sense that she is acting even when she is being nice.

It is excruciating waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hi, HubbyOfBPDWife and welcome to bpdfamily.

A person with BPD is able to change moods and outward appearance very rapidly. It is amazing. But for those who know and live with them over a longer period of time, the same difficult behaviors appear over and over, as they are unable to maintain the appearance. We bear the brunt of the emotional dysregulation that they suffer from.

The Lessons to the right of this page hold a lot of excellent information on BPD, on where we enter into the picture in terms of communication break downs, and how we can protect ourselves by not making things worse. The work that you are doing on boundaries sounds wonderful, and it appears that you are seeing some positive changes in your life as a result. That is really excellent!

And you have had success in getting your wife to see a MC. That's a step that many pwBPD are unwilling to take. I have found with my MC that we work together to help my uBPDw by not adding more fuel to the fire but instead by maintaining boundaries and ground rules, inching closer to whatever a particular emotional upset may have been about at the outset. That's a tough road for a pwBPD, but it is possible (with a lot of work) to get there. I can only recommend going in with nothing to prove on your side, but just work on trying to be as open/receptive to your wife as you can. It took me near a year to adopt this mindset, because I needed to work through the hurt and resentment that I was feeling.

If you find there are actions that you can do that remove your energy from the equation of your wife's behaviors, things can improve. Lastly, there is important information in the Safety First tab to the right regarding domestic violence. It helps to have a plan in your head if your wife becomes physically violent. The last thing that you want is to escalate things, so it's important to know how to extricate yourself from her during those episodes. Really, this website is about what we can do so that we don't have to wait for the other shoe to drop. Once we become active participants in our own well being, things do get better. Please keep posting, particularly if you have any specific questions or need advice on a specific aspect of her behavior. There are a lot of really good people in this forum that can help out. 

[waverider]

I have begun to wonder if instead of being BP she is simply a spoiled brat. I keep getting the sense that she is acting even when she is being nice.

She may very well be, pwBPD have little sense of self and often are role playing their entire live. When "doing the right thing" it is often what they believe is appropriate, it doesn't come from the same natural state of balance which is the essence of self that others have.

BPD is a permanent state of processing things differently, not just a series of episodes. It is just that same sides of it cause grief and others dont. Hence the "good" often has a sense of the inappropriate about it, 'over the top/ try hard" if you like. Lots of parroting and mirroring to fit in.