New to the site and feeling completely hopeless

[JustDone]

Hello.

I am hoping to find a place where I can sort out what I am going through.

I don't know why I'm here today... .I guess I want to learn more about BPD and how I can save myself and my kids.

I met my wife a little over 18 years ago. We started off as friends but I set her up with one of my buddies and that's when I realized that I had feelings for her. We started dated and everything was great. She was always a little stubborn but it was nice to be with someone that wasn't afraid to speak her mind and was passionate. We were dating for a few months when I started seeing the signs (of course I didn't recognize them as anything clinical). We would get into these fights over nothing that blew up into her not talking to me or leaving me somewhere. As things started to progress, she became pregnant. We had been friends for over a year before dating and I was truly in love with her so I did what I thought was right and proposed. We were married 3 months later.

I think she really enjoyed being pregnant, maybe because all the attention was on her. The 3 times she was pregnant was probably the happiest times that we had. After the first one was born she went through what we all though were the baby blues. If I were to do anything minor to upset her, I would pay dearly. The guilt that would be laid upon me made me feel like I was the worst person on the planet. I remember staring into the mirror one day, crying, and I promised myself that I would spend the rest of my life making up to her for the mistakes I have made and I would be the best husband possible.

Things were pretty good for a while. She was a stay at home mom and we had 3 children, all 2 years apart. I guess when I say things were good, I should say that they were about as good as they could have been under the circumstances. She would still go through mood swings but maybe because we had small children and it was understandable that she would be a little off because she was spending every day with them. It was hard, it would be for anyone. After our 3rd was born, is when things really started to spiral out of control. She would call me at work and beg me to come home. She would tell me she was losing her mind and she would threaten to hurt herself if I didn't come home to be with her. She became so over-the-top clingy. Again, I just figured it was the stress of raising 3 boys that weren't in school yet. One day I got a call from a family member and it was strange to get a call from this person, he was a cousin on her side and we weren't close. He told me that she got drunk, crashed the car and was in jail. I immediate left work and came home. Her parent's were at my house along with her cousin. Apparently she had started drinking in the morning when I went to work and decided to take the kids out and crashed into the highway median. The damage to the car wasn't too bad and no one was hurt thank god but when the police showed up, she failed a sobriety test and was arrested. Her cousin just happened to drive by while she was getting arrested and stopped to see what was going on. I am so grateful that he did because my kids would have been taken by CPS if he hand't stopped. They allowed him to take the kids.

My wife had a pretty close relationship with her mother so she was really shocked to see what was going on. My parents were both alcoholics so I guess I didn't realize how much she had been drinking. We got her in to see a psychiatrist and she was diagnosed bi-polar. She was given an array of medications and sent on her way. Things were pretty good after that, the focus was on her and her parents were continually checking in with her and helping out.

When thinking about my story, I hear myself saying in my head, "Things were pretty good for a while". Its funny, I don't know if they ever were really good. When I think about the good times, they were periods of time where things were calm after a major event occurred. If things got too routine, she would find a way to disrupt it and there was always something to blame (bi-polar, depression, drinking too much) and I couldn't ever hold her accountable for anything or it would be turned back on me.

"I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't made me feel this way"

"I sacrificed everything for you"

"I was drunk and I don't remember"

I was definitely contributing to the problem, I had made that promise to myself that I would be the best husband I could be and I would feel guilty for getting upset when she obviously had some type of mental condition and I couldn't possibly understand what she was going through. I would continue to set milestones.

"We are moving somewhere cheaper and can buy a house, the financial stability will help relieve her stress"

"Things will get easier once the oldest starts school"

"Things will get easier once the second and then the third starts school"

"I just need to work harder and make more money and this will help the situation"

... .of course things never got easier or better.

Probably the hardest thing for me at the time was not being able to get closure on things that upset me because my inability to hold her accountable and how unfair it would be that I would be put through hell for something that bothered her. For example, I hid a few things from her in regards to our financial situation in order to not stress her out. It wasn't a major thing but to be fair, I was keeping it from her knowing full well that she would be upset if she found out. When she found out, I became the guy that always lies and is dishonest. I am never trusted. At the same time, I flew her back to our home state to visit with friends. When she came back she admitted that "something" happened between her and one of my best friends. At first it was just a kiss. Then a friend of her's told me that she confided to her that it was more than that. I was hurt and angry but I was willing to forgive her. I just wanted to know what happened so I knew what I was forgiving her for. After the first time it was brought up, anytime I asked about it she would say she couldn't remember because she had been drinking. I never brought up what her friend told her because I was told in confidence and I didn't want to violate that. I just wanted my wife to tell me and apologize.

Things just kept getting worse. Don't get me wrong, every day wasn't hell, we had some great times. I think the problem though was that I had learned to "manage" her. I would pick up the slack little by little and make sure I didn't leave any trails of things that would set her off. This was a recipe for disaster. She would have to find more extreme ways to create chaos. I couldn't get out with friends, she would show up and embarrass me. I couldn't engage with anyone else for too long or she would get jealous and the accusations would fly. She would start embarrassing when we would be with friends. Eventually we had no friends.

I think the physical abuse began about 5 years ago. What would really set her off was if something were to happen and a friend or relative would contact me to see if I was OK. I've had my laptop destroyed, my car windshield smashed and the sides dented, anything I valued has been destroyed including all my family heirlooms. I have taken so many beatings and even had to have surgery on my back from having furniture dropped onto me.

I just took it, I continually picked up slack until the point I do everything. I have an amazing job and make good money but have nothing to show for it. I make sure the kids get fed and have clean clothes. I do all the cleaning. Somehow she is still the one that has been mistreated.

About 8 months ago we had a few blowups within a short period of time and something changed in me. Instead of trying to calm it down and apologizing for who knows what, I just felt numb. I wasn't mad or hurt or sad. It had all built up, the hurtful words, the cheating, the beatings, the drugs and alcohol. I guess I was just done. I told her that I wanted out and of course this set off a huge dramatic chain of events including the police checking all the bridges around after she called and said she was going to jump but wouldn't say where she was. She was hospitalized but of course was able to check herself out after a few hours (for probably the 10th time over the years). I felt trapped. I couldn't leave my kids and I also felt like I was sentencing her to death if I left her.

When I told her I was leaving, she stopped drinking which was a good thing. I told her I would stay while we did some counseling but I ultimately wanted to work towards a separation. The sobriety didn't last long and it wasn't too much longer before we were back in the same cycle. Since then I have been arrested and charged with domestic violence when I was the one that called the police to help me, she has contacted people at my work to tell them that I beat her. (I have never touched her) She even went as far as to post on social media hateful things about me to my friends and family including that my mother killed herself because of me. (She was an alcoholic and drank herself to death)

What really makes this a crisis situation is that the kids who are teenagers now are starting to have issues. They are failing in school, they don't respect her and disrespect her and the oldest has began to smoke pot. I am completely losing control but I feel like I am walking on eggshells because I am going to court soon for this battery charge against me.

So during this whole time, my wife asked that we get some couples counseling. I agreed, again to not cause waves before my hearing, and we went to our first session. It was not a good day for me, I had not slept well the night before and probably came off a little insensitive at the session. I really left feeling like I looked like the bad guy. Just another situation where she was manipulating the world around her. She asked us to come back for individual sessions and we did that. She went first and I went last week. It was then the counselor sat me down and told me about BPD. I guess that's why I sought out this site.

Its time for me to force a change, I just don't know where to begin.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oooohm]

JD,

Wow !

I am so glad you found this site! Your next step is to READ, then READ some more.

The lessons on the Right >> >

Warning: You will experience radical emotional swings the more you learn. You will go through the classic levels of the "grieving process".  I want to tell you your story is not un-common here. YOU ARE NOT ALONE !

Take solace in that fact. Let the people here help you.

You will read about a lot of terms (JADE, SET, Fleas, DEARMAN, Boundaries, etc.)  The most important thing you need to understand during your early time of being "BPD aware" is to protect yourself emotionally and physically, and to not make things worse.

If you need to see a therapist during this time (Very helpful), make sure they understand "BPD" and what effects pwBPD have on the NonBPD in their lives. (Should be the first question you ask of a new T)

KEEP POSTING !

[an0ught]

JustDone,

 you really are dealing with a situation that has spun out of control.

- Educate yourself, this site is a good place, LESSONS are the starting point

- Reach out for support in real life.

The real problem with BPD and abuse is not so much someone who tends to abuse at times but the fact that the abuse is escalating over time. Unless one puts a stop to it with solid boundaries things tend to spiral out of control. Over a long time badly. And as this is a gradual process often we explain it away while it is happening until we simply can't  .

For your wife to get better she would need to give up alcohol as it promotes boundary busting.  She also needs therapy.

But your real problem is first and foremost how to protect yourself and the kids. You need boundaries! There is no point in worrying about her too much at this point - you are dealing with a sudden loss of cabin pressure and you have to put on the mask yourself and then help the most needy ones. Please start putting in place a robust safety plan for you and the kids. Some things you may have to think through may feel for a moment scary but then the escalation so far has been scary enough too. Change is not easy but the status quo you describe is definitely no longer sustainable.

Hang in there  ,

a0

[Oooohm]

JD,

How are you doing?

[JustDone]

Right now? Just sick.

I feel like I can't do anything to set her off. We are supposed to go to court tomorrow for the charge against me. It is supposed to be delayed which means nothing major will happen but it will just prolong this cornered feeling I have.

I honestly feel like I am falling apart. I am not sleeping enough, getting headaches, I can't eat without anything without feeling ill or getting heartburn.

... .and the whole time I have to perform a circus act at home to make sure the kids get fed, have clean clothes, and not set her off.

[Oooohm]

Find the "peace" and "strength" that comes from finally being "BPD aware". It will take time. Remember this journey is not a sprint but a marathon. Small steps add up.

Ask specific questions here on things you don't understand. We can help

You can and will change your situation over time.

Deep breaths

[an0ught]

Hi JustDone,

Right now? Just sick.

I feel like I can't do anything to set her off. We are supposed to go to court tomorrow for the charge against me. It is supposed to be delayed which means nothing major will happen but it will just prolong this cornered feeling I have.

tomorrow is a bit short to get a meaningful discussion going. Still these stories are often either not over quickly or carry a risk of repeat. Consider heading over for a visit at the our legal sub-board when you have time or maybe give it a browse.

Don't panic  , remember she is her own worst enemy... .

[waverider]

Seems like you need to get some space between you as you are drowning in hopelessness. It is hard to regain a real view of your own rights and boundaries when you are constantly under pressure like this.

Have you ever considered time apart

Waverider