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Author Topic: Married to BPD spouse  (Read 462 times)
IzSC

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7



« on: May 19, 2015, 11:45:52 AM »

Hello!  I'm sure this post will have to be moved.  I had no idea where to start or how to navigate so please be patient as I'm learning... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

   I'm new here and I found this site while browsing thru scores of pages trying to find out what to do with my situation.  

My situation ~ I've been married for almost a year and I realized recently that my husband has BPD.  At first I thought we were just not getting along, stress in the marriage or the first year is the hardest type thing.  Then I realized it wasn't getting any better.  Nothing I did worked.  Nothing I tried made any difference.  Communicating didn't work because he didn't "hear" me.  He was always testing me and always criticizing and thinking I was going to abandon him.  Every day he would wake up and think I was going off to be with someone else when all I was doing was going to work.  My emotional state started to crack.  He'd go back and forth between asking for a divorce and then saying he wanted to work things out.  Now he's started to accuse me of putting my kids above him and saying he's not #1 in my life anymore.  He says that one day the kids will grow up and leave me and he will be gone and I can thank myself for not treating him with respect or as my top priority... .Recently, he left me and went back to his ex.  He told her he was divorced and wanted to go back to her.  So she got him a ticket and sent for him.  The minute he got on the bus he called and apologized and said he made a mistake and wanted to come home but I didn't have the money to go get him.  Honestly, I was too tired to try.  So I found out he cheated and she found out he is still married and now he's at rock bottom... .

I guess, I understand that his actions are the result of the BPD but I'm still hurt!  I know he's not intentionally doing these things but that he needs treatment but I'm still hurt! I want my marriage to work but I don't know how anymore.  I'm generally a happy person and I get along with everyone.  I don't like to complain so spilling this all out is kind of hard for me.  I really want to apologize if I seem whiny... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... . I've been told that before, so I stopped asking for help.  Truth is, I love my husband but I HATE his BPD.  I guess I just would like some encouragement.  I'm feeling pretty lost right now.  

Thanks for listening.  
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

DreamGirl
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Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2015, 01:06:24 PM »

Hi IzSC,

Welcome

I don't think you're being whiney. 

Being cheated on is tough. I get that. Wanting to stay married also makes sense to me. I get that too. Existing in limbo is a hard place to be as well. It's also part of deciding whether to stay or go.

You're also in the very right place to help you navigate some of what is going on.

Are you considering marriage counseling? Does he attend therapy at all?

--DreamGirl

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  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

Mike-X
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2015, 01:44:44 PM »

You did not sound whiny to me. However, this is a place where it is fine to express sadness and share your story, and sadness, anger, and a range of emotions often are expected given all that you and other members have been through.

Welcome

So can you share where things currently stand? Is he presently living with you or his ex? Are you wanting to reconcile?
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IzSC

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7



« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2015, 03:27:18 PM »

The situation is he lives with me when I asked him to start counseling he agreed but the very next day he contacted his ex and she got him a ticket and sent him some money.  He ended up getting on the bus but once he got 3 hours out of town he called and said he changed his mind and wanted to come home and he wanted me to drop everything and drive all the way out there to get him.  Keep in mind I have kids, 16, 13 and 10.  So I told him I couldn't go like that in the middle of the night.  So he stayed on the bus and went to her house.  Meanwhile he lied and said he was going to visit his auntie in NV.  I had a feeling he was going to his ex and I told him so.  He ended up there and still in contact with me every day.  Then I got an email from her telling me that he told her he got a divorce and saying to stay away from him.  So I messaged her back and told her that we are still married and sent her the screen shots of his texts that weekend to show he had been texting me the whole time, saying he was sorry that he loves me and that he will go to the counseling.  She insists that I can't have him and that I am not allowed to talk to my own husband if he wants anything to do with his children.  She says to respect his kids.  I told her respect my marriage and leave the kids out of it and stop wrecking my husband!  I know that she is also a very toxic person.  They had been together for a long time and have children together but when he married me she kept his kids away from him and the rest of his family.  So to her its a game.  Plus she knows his triggers.  After that apparently she had it out with him there and last night he called me from the highway threatening to throw himself into traffic because he lost his kids and saying he lost me and that I don't respect him... .ect... .I got him out of that situation and back to safety but I'm over 1000 miles away from him right now.  He wants ME to get him and bring him home and he is doing his classic abandonment argument that if I don't that means I don't love him and that I think he's a looser... .ect.  Point blank I KNOW its the BPD talking.  I know that the triggers re: his kids are the toughest ones.  Every time he has contact with her all the progress he makes goes out the window!  I feel she is doing it on purpose out of spite.  I had him working and participating in family things and soon after he talks to her he won't leave our room, he won't interact with the children.  He feels I'm going to cheat on him if I leave the house without him, even to the market but he also doesn't want to go... .Things like that.  I've been standing firm on my boundaries and telling him things like, "I'm going to the market and I'll be back in an hour.  I'm not leaving you!  Feel free to come with me if you like."  And then I give him a little time to get ready and if he doesn't budge, I go.  Right now he is still down with her but he "says" he wants to come home.  He's been there for 4 days now.

I spoke to him earlier and told him he needs to make a decision and that I won't tolerate infidelity, lies or abuse.  I asked, "where do you think we should go from here?"  I already know he doesn't make decisions easily.  I told him to think about it and let me know by the end of the week.  I want to reconcile.  I want him to go to get counseling and help.  I want him to get better!  That is what I want.  I know he's not doing this on purpose but I also know he can't do it alone and neither can I.  But its also up to him.  If he stays there then I can't do anything about it.  I also want to live my own life and have peace and a normal life!
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DreamGirl
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Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2015, 04:01:33 PM »

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, IzSC.  

When I was dealing with the "stay or leave" fork in the road, I had the help of my therapist in my corner. It's tough stuff. Any chance the marriage counselor can help you in this?

I also think letting him know where you stand was an important step. You want to stay married but you also can't really be in a marriage when the other person is 1000 miles away staying with his former spouse.

Is there a way to have a time table in this?

In one week you both need ________.

In one month you both need ________.

-DreamGirl  
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  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

IzSC

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7



« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2015, 04:05:13 PM »

I'm his first wife.  He was never married to the ex and I think that's what gets her the most and why she is doing this and setting off his triggers.  But at the same time, he is also responsible for his part too.  I know he knows right from wrong.  I told him in one week he needs to decide what he wants to do and if he stays in one month I'll start filing the papers.  OR in one week he can come back and by ONE month I want us to be in counseling consistently and hopefully he will agree to getting on meds. 
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Oooohm
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Relationship status: Married 22 years, 12 good....10 not so good
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« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2015, 04:13:51 PM »

I'm his first wife.  He was never married to the ex and I think that's what gets her the most and why she is doing this and setting off his triggers.  But at the same time, he is also responsible for his part too.  I know he knows right from wrong.  I told him in one week he needs to decide what he wants to do and if he stays in one month I'll start filing the papers.  OR in one week he can come back and by ONE month I want us to be in counseling consistently and hopefully he will agree to getting on meds. 

Meds ?

Has he been diagnosed with anything other than BPD?
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IzSC

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7



« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2015, 04:25:46 PM »

No he hasn't but I suspect its cuz he never sticks it out long enough.  I feel that he might need them.  I'm no professional but I seriously feels he needs them.  He needs to stick it out with the counseling long enough for a real assessment of underlying issues instead of running off to his ex when he can't handle the process.  He ends up running back and then when he comes home we have to start all over.  The resistance, the anger issues, insecurity, the constant arguing, blame... .Not wanting to go to counseling anymore.  I think he self medicates when he's down there with her.  His mother is an alcoholic and she is very unstable and she also triggers him.
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Oooohm
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Relationship status: Married 22 years, 12 good....10 not so good
Posts: 96


« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2015, 04:37:29 PM »

BPD is a "Schema Disorder"... .um,  a form of "Arrested Development".

Its treated with DBT or CBT (Behavioral) Therapy. Medication isn't typically prescribed unless other illnesses are present.

Usually chemical imbalance issues IE. Depression, Bi-polar, Schizophrenia, etc.

And it takes time... .lots of time.

No quick fix pill as far as I know.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2015, 04:48:03 PM »

I wanted to comment on your statement " The BPD made him do it"

People with BPD struggle with some issues, but they are accountable for their behavior. I know that sometimes when someone commits a crime, it may be due to mental instability, but that is a case of very severe instablity. BPD alone may not excuse someone from their actions. People with BPD can also have other issues such as depression, eating disorders that can lead to erratic behavior.

People with BPD are on a spectrum, from mild to severe, so behavior can vary. If you or your H feel that he is not in control of his behavior, then I hope he can see a mental health professional to establish BPD and also any other conditions, such as depression that may accompany it.

I am sorry you are going through this. You have the right to feel angry and also to establish the terms of your relationship. You can hold someone with BPD accountable for behavior such as infidelity, but you can not control anyone's behavior. You do have the right to choose what to do about it.
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IzSC

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7



« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2015, 05:12:19 PM »

I wanted to comment on your statement " The BPD made him do it"

People with BPD struggle with some issues, but they are accountable for their behavior. I know that sometimes when someone commits a crime, it may be due to mental instability, but that is a case of very severe instablity. BPD alone may not excuse someone from their actions. People with BPD can also have other issues such as depression, eating disorders that can lead to erratic behavior.

People with BPD are on a spectrum, from mild to severe, so behavior can vary. If you or your H feel that he is not in control of his behavior, then I hope he can see a mental health professional to establish BPD and also any other conditions, such as depression that may accompany it.

I am sorry you are going through this. You have the right to feel angry and also to establish the terms of your relationship. You can hold someone with BPD accountable for behavior such as infidelity, but you can not control anyone's behavior. You do have the right to choose what to do about it.

Good point!  That's why I'm here.  I need to hear this stuff!  I don't want to be coddled or anything.  I want the cold hard straight up truth!  That is awesome! Thanks!
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IzSC

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7



« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2015, 05:16:51 PM »

BPD is a "Schema Disorder"... .um,  a form of "Arrested Development".

Its treated with DBT or CBT (Behavioral) Therapy. Medication isn't typically prescribed unless other illnesses are present.

Usually chemical imbalance issues IE. Depression, Bi-polar, Schizophrenia, etc.

And it takes time... .lots of time.

No quick fix pill as far as I know.

Damn... .Ok.  I was hoping he could just fix it but I see this is going to be a long road.  I just honestly want him to get help but I'm also starting to feel like I'm disassociating from his problems.  Its hard to carry a person all the time!  I'm trying to learn all I can about BPD and see what options there are but I'm also exhausted.  I think I'm going to turn off my phone tonight.  He calls in the middle of the night with his crisis and I always answer for him and talk him thru it.  I think I need to start caring for myself more.
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