Building a friendship with my uBPDex...

[valet]

It has been nearly 4 months since me and uBPDexgf of 2 years officially broke things off. When things ended, both of us wanted a friendship, but I was not able to do it. I have been mostly no contact the last 3 months, but a few weeks ago I felt that I was ready to break it, and did. This had been something that had previously been discussed, shortly after the breakup.

I was simply following through on my own wants, because I felt that I was ready. I think that she would have been able to accept any decision that I made regarding a friendship, according to her words. Her actions have fallen in line with these words, more or less, as well (although she would contact me for pretty weak reasons before I officially instituted NC).

We've only met up once (this was shortly after I broke NC), and it didn't affect me at all. I felt comfortable, natural, and in control of my emotions. She invited me to a small social gathering last weekend which I did not attend because I knew that there was a chance that I would feel anxious/uncomfortable. I handled this very well in communication with her, and she didn't seem to mind. She did, however, according to her, get into a pretty big fight with her two roommates the next day. This is not my concern, but it does speak to her consistent pattern unstable interpersonal relationships.

I can't believe I'm at this point, and it almost feels strange posting on the staying board. I am not open to another romantic relationship with her, but my wants to amount to a type of staying, no?

My gut tells me to take this extremely slow. To not force unnecessary contact, and to not let my boundaries be busted no matter what. I have learned a lot in the last few months here. I would like a close friendship with her. I believe that this is very possible.

I think that I have my head pretty sorted out right now, but there are still a couple big questions floating around up here:

How much contact am I responsible for initiating, if I want her to be closer to my inner circle?

She is extremely an extremely high-functioning, introverted person, and our personalties, interests, and friends are all very intermingled. We had a very strong friendship before the relationship started. Is this something that can be returned to?

Again, I am willing to accept that this might not be possible, but I really want to give it an honest, nonself-compromising effort. Any advice/suggestions/personal experience regarding a situation like this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

  valet,

sounds like you thought quite a bit about it.

How much contact am I responsible for initiating, if I want her to be closer to my inner circle?

She is extremely an extremely high-functioning, introverted person, and our personalties, interests, and friends are all very intermingled. We had a very strong friendship before the relationship started. Is this something that can be returned to?

To build a connection - validate.

You want her closer in your inner circle - how close is close - and what areas are off-limits? Are you seeking too much closeness or are you acknowledging that some things should be private?

To maintain a relationship you need boundaries that go beyond b&w type boundaries like NC. There will be times when she will test your boundaries. Have you thought about the consequences for yourself?

[valet]

To build a connection - validate.

You want her closer in your inner circle - how close is close - and what areas are off-limits? Are you seeking too much closeness or are you acknowledging that some things should be private?

To maintain a relationship you need boundaries that go beyond b&w type boundaries like NC. There will be times when she will test your boundaries. Have you thought about the consequences for yourself?

Hey an0ught, thanks for your reply.

I think that too close would be reengaging in any kind of romantic relationship, but I think that pretty much everything other than that will have to be on a touch and go basis, depending on whether or not myself or my ex has found someone else.

Privacy, of course, is a matter that will have to be resolved on a situational basis. If I feel that something is crossing a boundary, I will enforce my beliefs. I don't really know at the moment, but I'm not really the type of person to hold much back about myself if I have a certain comfort level around someone. That said, I will respect her privacy as she wishes. The boundaries here have to be formed and gradually reformed, in my estimation. I think I can handle that.

I have thought quite a bit about her potentially trying to bust my boundaries, and I think that I am prepared now, knowing what I know and having a quite renewed imagine of my own self-responsibilities.

To be honest, I am quite nervous about all of this, but I think that that's normal. In previous non-non post-breakup situations I have encountered these same feelings, and they dissipated rapidly after a basic comfort level was established.

I really hope that this works out in the best interest of everyone, but I know that I absolutely come first. And hey, maybe it will turn out that we just aren't very similar anymore, but I'm willing to give it a shot. She was and is a valuable person to me. I learned a lot of things, accomplished quite a bit, and have really grown to love seeing the world and everything it offers while she has been in my life.