Tricky Trigger ... What is wrong with him?

[JayReader27]

Is there a special trigger for a BPD person? After a break up and they have moved on what would cause them to act out again?

I informed my ex that I would be out of town at my Gran's funeral, and I would be unable to respond to emails or calls (she lives on a farm, no cell service). He went crazy threatened me, 

":)on't make me call my people to come find you... .!"

"you have me worried about you and my son!

Hope everything is okay. Please! I just want to see a picture of him... .please!"

"so your not going to tell me anything!" - those are emails that flooded in while I was taking care of family business, at a funeral.

Keep in mind he knows where I live, Where I was at, my number and none of my contact info changed at all. If he wanted to visit I told him the rules for visitation, he could ask at anytime. I told him that he needed help, and that I feared for our sons safety. I told him I am doing everything possible to keep our baby safe, and at some point if he ever visited that he would have to explain his wrong doings to my parents because all trust was lost. We are not currently talking, as I have gone on a no contact with him.  Even when I try to explain why I am strict with boundaries... .he just perceives it as a threat (when he is the threat). It's like he thinks that I am overreacting when I get upset that at the things he has done. Or like it is no big deal. Why would he freak out and harass me like this? This not normal behavior correct? I would just like to know that I am not crazy right?

[livednlearned]

People with BPD are triggered by abandonment, and also by inadequacy. They aren't able to resolve feelings of loss or grief or inferiority in healthy ways so they use crude and dysfunctional coping mechanisms like projection. If they do something that makes them feel inadequate, they will project that onto you, sort of externalizing it. You become an extension of them, in a way, but they can't control your responses or behaviors, so it keeps the loop going. And when you try and point out the truth, it feels like a threat to their defense system -- that in turn makes you "abusive."

To someone with BPD, feelings equals facts. It's an awful way to live, really. They have extreme rejection sensitivity, and return to baseline slowly.

By telling him you were going away, it probably tripped a straight up abandonment fear, not just that you were going to be out of touch, but his son too.

My T said it's like when you can't find your child for a few minutes, say when you're at a playground or something. That zero to 100 in 3 seconds flat, and you go to the worst place in your mind and can't soothe yourself.

[Turkish]

Wow, JayR27. No, that's not normal behavior.

If all else fails, default to the court order. My Ex, more acting-in Waifish, tried to get me to send pics of the kids when we went out of town (she knew where I was, a rural area), and I had to wean/train myself from the old habits of responding to her object constancy and abandonment issues. It took months, but it finally settled in (like me stopping responding to her late night texts "how are the kids?" or sometimes, "how are the kids, sorry!"

I had to establish a firm boundary, then train HER to adhere to it.

The comment about "calling his people" could be construed as a threat, however. You might want to run that one by the police, or talk to a local DV hotline anonymously for advice. Keep it documented, even if it sounds like an empty threat.

Is your feeling that he's dysregulating and it's an empty threat, or do you feel there may be something behind it?

If you have to respond, do it BIFF.

[JayReader27]

People with BPD are triggered by abandonment, and also by inadequacy. They aren't able to resolve feelings of loss or grief or inferiority in healthy ways so they use crude and dysfunctional coping mechanisms like projection. If they do something that makes them feel inadequate, they will project that onto you, sort of externalizing it. You become an extension of them, in a way, but they can't control your responses or behaviors, so it keeps the loop going. And when you try and point out the truth, it feels like a threat to their defense system -- that in turn makes you "abusive."

To someone with BPD, feelings equals facts. It's an awful way to live, really. They have extreme rejection sensitivity, and return to baseline slowly.

By telling him you were going away, it probably tripped a straight up abandonment fear, not just that you were going to be out of touch, but his son too.

My T said it's like when you can't find your child for a few minutes, say when you're at a playground or something. That zero to 100 in 3 seconds flat, and you go to the worst place in your mind and can't soothe yourself.

That makes sense. I just do not get how you can be worried about someone that you do not take care of and have never met. Did he take it as I was running away with our son? Even though that is completely absurd.

[JayReader27]

Wow, JayR27. No, that's not normal behavior.

If all else fails, default to the court order. My Ex, more acting-in Waifish, tried to get me to send pics of the kids when we went out of town (she knew where I was, a rural area), and I had to wean/train myself from the old habits of responding to her object constancy and abandonment issues. It took months, but it finally settled in (like me stopping responding to her late night texts "how are the kids?" or sometimes, "how are the kids, sorry!"

I had to establish a firm boundary, then train HER to adhere to it.

The comment about "calling his people" could be construed as a threat, however. You might want to run that one by the police, or talk to a local DV hotline anonymously for advice. Keep it documented, even if it sounds like an empty threat.

Is your feeling that he's dysregulating and it's an empty threat, or do you feel there may be something behind it?

If you have to respond, do it BIFF.

I do not feel like it was an empty threat. I went to the police after getting that email they were not much help at all. They said unless he was in front f me with a gun that there was nothing that they could do. I am thinking of filing court orders for supervised visitation. If or when he defaults back into this behavior I can have the law on my side. Thank you, I just wanted to make sure I was not crazy.

[livednlearned]

I just do not get how you can be worried about someone that you do not take care of and have never met. Did he take it as I was running away with our son? Even though that is completely absurd.

Often the BPD behaviors we experience are abusive precisely because the person with BPD does care. It is intimacy that triggers the push/pull. They become attached, but lack any experience of what normal, healthy intimacy is like. Instead of feeling close and connected, they panic (what if she leaves me? what if she sees who I really am?) and resort to "protest behaviors" that are dysfunctional and abusive.

It's like there's an emotional logic, and it's broken. We try to understand their broken emotional logic using rational thought, and it doesn't really work. My lawyer called my ex's behavior "negative engagement." Like the title of the book, "I hate you, don't leave me."  

[JayReader27]

I just do not get how you can be worried about someone that you do not take care of and have never met. Did he take it as I was running away with our son? Even though that is completely absurd.

Often the BPD behaviors we experience are abusive precisely because the person with BPD does care. It is intimacy that triggers the push/pull. They become attached, but lack any experience of what normal, healthy intimacy is like. Instead of feeling close and connected, they panic (what if she leaves me? what if she sees who I really am?) and resort to "protest behaviors" that are dysfunctional and abusive.

It's like there's an emotional logic, and it's broken. We try to understand their broken emotional logic using rational thought, and it doesn't really work. My lawyer called my ex's behavior "negative engagement." Like the title of the book, "I hate you, don't leave me."  

That is true. I have learned that their logic not just emotional logic is way off. I suppose that makes sense. I  just don't get that they try to hide their true selves from people who already know or have figured out there true selves. That is part of the reason that I believe keeps him from seeing our son. There is no rock he can hide under anymore. His true self is known by everyone now, and eventually will be known by our son as well.