Is it a feelingfact or actually what SD18 wants?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I received an email today from SO's uBPDxw about his youngest d18.  I attended a softball game last Thurs & x left with a raging barrage of calls to my SO & most likely d18.  D18 has gone back & forth with me being "allowed" at any school events.  The last we spoke I was all good but that was last year.  The email from x stated that d18 does NOT want me there. But it's ok for x's "affair partner" to be there.  I asked her to stop contacting me about a month ago & this email crosses that boundary as well. She also ended the email stating my SO sent her a picture of his privates.

Graduation is coming up & we have a "joint" birthday party this weekend for my SO's grandson (3). X will be there.  Is this a feelingfact from x or is this how d18 really feels?  She's become more & more enmeshed the last year and the only time we see her is when we go to her work or sports.  D18 has never contacted me personally. Do I respond to x? Do I initiate contact (for the first time ever, well except all the "anonymous" cards/notes/emails I leave for her) with d18? I really want to spare the kids a scene this weekend but as usual a pwBPD... .who knows? I'm stuck, I've begun to get angry, & now Im constantly walking on eggshells with not only x but the kids too.  I know this is temporary and will get better but do I crush the whole egg or the shells? Do I respond? IF d18 does not want me to attend, I wont. Do I email d18? Maybe text her via her dads phone? Thoughts welcome... .

[ShaSha]

I received an email today from SO's uBPDxw about his youngest d18.  I attended a softball game last Thurs & x left with a raging barrage of calls to my SO & most likely d18.  D18 has gone back & forth with me being "allowed" at any school events.  The last we spoke I was all good but that was last year.  The email from x stated that d18 does NOT want me there. But it's ok for x's "affair partner" to be there.  I asked her to stop contacting me about a month ago & this email crosses that boundary as well. She also ended the email stating my SO sent her a picture of his privates.

Graduation is coming up & we have a "joint" birthday party this weekend for my SO's grandson (3). X will be there.  Is this a feelingfact from x or is this how d18 really feels?  She's become more & more enmeshed the last year and the only time we see her is when we go to her work or sports.  D18 has never contacted me personally. Do I respond to x? Do I initiate contact (for the first time ever, well except all the "anonymous" cards/notes/emails I leave for her) with d18? I really want to spare the kids a scene this weekend but as usual a pwBPD... .who knows? I'm stuck, I've begun to get angry, & now Im constantly walking on eggshells with not only x but the kids too.  I know this is temporary and will get better but do I crush the whole egg or the shells? Do I respond? IF d18 does not want me to attend, I wont. Do I email d18? Maybe text her via her dads phone? Thoughts welcome... .

[Turkish]

Validate the valid, and invalidate the invalid. I see nothing valid about her email. It deserves no response.

Enmeshed as D18 may be, it sounds like, it's up to D18 to communicate her boundaries (healthy, unhealthy, whatever). She's an adult.

What's the possible fallout by you attending? Of course anxiety and stress, but you may be able to get a feel for how D18 really feels, and plan accordingly in the future. This sounds like all about her mother. Until you can get a feeling of how D18 feels, I wouldn't validate her mother's distorted feelings at all.

[Panda39]

To me it sounds like this is all about the uBPDexw, she is trying to engage you in her drama.  I would not respond to any of it... .don't feed the drama monster   

I would continue to support D18 as much as you are comfortable and wish to unless you hear differently from D18.  Someone here once advised me to focus on the kids and stop focusing on mom which was some good advice I pass on to you   (I arrived here very angry a year ago  )

My SO has D14 and D18 and an uBPDxw also.  My SO and I have been together almost 5 years and my relationship with his daughters has gone back and forth... .we get closer... .then we're not... .then we are... .  Remember the kids have to deal with their mother too and are probably doing their best to have a relationship with you and their mom which isn't easy.  I've felt as if mom takes up so much emotional space that there hasn't been much room for me.  In my case as the girls have gotten older and have become more independent there seems to be more room for me in their lives.

Keep supporting the kids and do your best to just ignore the ex she isn't worth the energy.

[bravhart1]

Would it be furthering the drama to forward BPDm's email to SD18 and just simply ask if these are in deed her sentiments or her moms? Then add you will respect what ever her wishes are and will deal with her moms wishes on your own?

I'm not too well versed in teenage issues with BPD's but have teens of my own and feel that they are much more validated if asked directly what their wishes are and not finding out that the parents have been making decisions without their input.

When my SD6 had a singing program at school that I could attend but knew her mom would be there I asked her straight out, "will it make you uncomfortable for me to come to your show, or would you like for dad to videotape it and I'll watch it later?"

When she said she wanted me there, I reminded her that her mom would be there and it might trigger her, she said she didn't care. I went and avoided the area in the room her mom was in, and it went fine.

[Panda39]

Would it be furthering the drama to forward BPDm's email to SD18 and just simply ask if these are in deed her sentiments or her moms? Then add you will respect what ever her wishes are and will deal with her moms wishes on your own?

I like the direct approach too but depending on how enmeshed D18 is with mom, this could put the daughter in the middle of BPDmom and ShaSha (and by extension her dad), and might make her feel pressured to pick one or the other. If daughter really doesn't want ShaSha at her games I think she will tell her or her dad directly and so far she hasn't.  We are only hearing from BPDmom at this point  

Also since contact with D18 seems minimal I would continue to have as much contact as is made available to you... .keep showing her the alternate reality, the healthier reality, the loving reality that is the family you and your SO have created together. 

The longer my SO and his uBPDxw were apart the more his daughters were able to see who was the parent and who was the hot mess.

[livednlearned]

It's hard. If you stop going, then biomom may say, "ShaSha doesn't care about you. She never attends your events."

If D18 doesn't want you there, she will need to learn to speak for herself. Without her voice in this, I would ignore the email and keep doing what you're doing.