anyone with experience with a court ordered child advocate/mediator?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there,

My husband and his uBPDx, after being unable to work together to decide child activities without conflict (in other posts on this site) have been sent to "Plan B" by the judge who has ordered a mediator who is also a court appointed advocate for the children (I'm not remembering the correct term).  50/50 custody with a 2/2/5 schedule.

The goal of my husband: be able to participate with the children about activities they want to pursue; to have both parents have an equitable role in helping the children choose a variety of activities without over scheduling them; to not have conflict with the ex over these things

The problem: uBPDx had signed kids up for activities without permission, has lobbied kids so that they agree to 'her' picks and not Dad's, has excluded dad from end of activity celebration, has harassed husband when he had another engagement with the children at a time the ex signed kids up for activity... .etc... .etc... .Controlling and boundary difficulties.

With this mediation there is a home visit and mediation, this person also apparently meets directly with the children. 

Anyone been through something like this?

We are not sure what he should expect. Has anyone been through this?

[highroadstepmom]

Hi there,

My husband and his uBPDx, after being unable to work together to decide child activities without conflict (in other posts on this site) have been sent to "Plan B" by the judge who has ordered a mediator who is also a court appointed advocate for the children (I'm not remembering the correct term).  50/50 custody with a 2/2/5 schedule.

The goal of my husband: be able to participate with the children about activities they want to pursue; to have both parents have an equitable role in helping the children choose a variety of activities without over scheduling them; to not have conflict with the ex over these things

The problem: uBPDx had signed kids up for activities without permission, has lobbied kids so that they agree to 'her' picks and not Dad's, has excluded dad from end of activity celebration, has harassed husband when he had another engagement with the children at a time the ex signed kids up for activity... .etc... .etc... .Controlling and boundary difficulties.

With this mediation there is a home visit and mediation, this person also apparently meets directly with the children. 

Anyone been through something like this?

We are not sure what he should expect. Has anyone been through this?

[livednlearned]

Is the advocate called a special master? If so, then it's more likely that the person is a lawyer and not a child psychologist.

If the advocated is called guardian ad litem (GALs), then these are people who have backgrounds that can be all over the place, there is no education criteria. My L told me she has never seen a good guardian ad litem in her 25 years of practice. That could be something specific to our state, though. Your state may have a higher set of criteria to be a GAL.

[highroadstepmom]

That's it! a GAL. Maybe we can get my husband's attorney to exert some pressure on WHO this person is... .thank you.

[livednlearned]

Like all third-party professionals, these people can exert a lot of influence on your case. Some parents here have had devastating experiences, while others have had good experiences. It depends a lot on how good the GAL is, or whatever third-party professional is involved.

If you have a say in who this person is, ask around to find out who the top three are and then (if the ex needs to feel in control), let her pick one. The clerk of court might recommend the ones most respected by the court. They see all of this go down in court.

In general, the more control you have over who gets appointed, the better you will do. There are some real losers out there, and GALs in particular can be volunteers who want to protect the children, who then get completely in over their heads without real training. I think some of them let their jobs go to their heads, and they need to be "right." It stuns me that a person with this much influence can be a volunteer 

I hope you get someone good.

Once the GAL is involved, the same rules apply no matter who is involved - parenting coordinator, special master, GAL, custody evaluator. You don't want to be diagnosing or disparaging the other parent, you want to keep bringing everything back to what is best for the kids. This doesn't mean to not describe the other parent's behavior, it just means to be careful with language and how you frame things.

[Ishenuts]

I have similar problems with my uNPDexh. He is living vicariously through our 12 yo DS. He plays 4 sports, and sometimes 3 at a time. He has DS convinced that if he's not doing clinics and lessons all the time, in addition to his team commitments, he will not get tha elusive college scholarship, and that other kids will pass him by. He gets our DS convinced THEN talks to me about it. I brought him to court 2 years ago and he was told to stop it. Hasn't stopped. It's all part of his alienation plan. Ex makes no bones about trying to minimize the time I have with our children. DS has a twin sister. He tries to overschedule her, too,with sports and cheerleading, etc.

She doesn't like sports as much as her brother so it's a more difficult "sell", so far.

We share 50/50 physical and legal custody.

We constantly disagree with the amount of overscheduling. We are court ordered to use a parental coordinator, which is a mediator. She's a therapist. Before EVERY sports season (football, basketball, baseball and track) we go to her and argue the same arguments! She buys his "concerned dad worried about their sports futures" act. I argue that there needs to be a balance between sports, family time and some free time. She tends to agree with him! (BTW - during our divorce the GAL we had thought it was reasonable that, while on a week-long vacation 5 hours away with DS and DD, I should deliver DS to the ex twice - 10 hours rt each time- so he could play on an all-star baseball team and not miss 2 games).

I guess my point is that I can identify with your plight. Common sense hasn't mattered with the third party professionals I've had to deal with. Be wary of the "activities are very important to the children" arguments. Wanting time with my children, who I only see half the time anyway, is seen as selfish. The ex, in an email to me and the pc, wrote that "Ishenuts doesn't get that with sports the children won't have time for a social life or family time!" He's wrong. I "get it". I just don't accept it.

I am preparing to talk to my L about possibly going to court and trying to get this resolved once and for all, instead of going to the pc a few times a year on this subject and never resolving it. Basically, uNPDexh wants free reign to do what the poster's DH's ex is doing. I have to believe a judge will agree that a 12yo doing 6-7 days a week, and more than 1 sport per day sometimes, is excessive.

Good luck to both of us!

[gherkins]

Is it a GAL or a court-appointed GAL?  They are two different things.  The GAL usually has a full case roster of children.  A C-A GAL is a volunteer position, but is still an officer of the court.  They have to go through training, and they only have one case at a time.  They stay with the child until the case is resolved.  It's their job to be the voice of the child in court.

[gomez_addams]

There's a men's divorce forum. Have your husband check that out. Lots of good advice for custody issues.

Be forewarned... .They can be a bit caustic, and not so touchy feely, but they have tons of experience.

Google men's divorce.

Gomez