My ex was self conscious about his body

[JayReader27]

I don't have a lot of sexual experience, because my BPDX was my first. But, My experience was horrible and I could tell that my ex was self conscious about his body. He was over weight and not impressive. (If that makes any sense). Often I would pretend just so that I would not have to hear another rant about how I don't care, belittle him, and disregard his attempts to try and be a better BF. I just kept my mouth shut. There was even a time where I sat on the couch watching TV and he sat beside me, talking (to himself) about if he should order meds to make himself bigger. I said nothing just gave him a confused look, and went back to watching BBC.

I read in an article that the male BPD's often have trouble in the sexual department based upon how much they care for the person that they are with. If I can find it again I will post it.

Anyone have experience with this?

[newtothis28]

My ex was exactly the same. It's almost as if we dated the same person. 

[JayApril]

Wow what a guy. Yes, same situation.

[newtothis28]

Very low self-esteem. I think his fears were so irrational about the weight that he refused intimacy. 

[blissful_camper]

I'd be interested in reading the article if you can find it.

Yes, my ex had ED and had experienced ED since becoming sexually active. He is now in his 50s. He was slim and self conscious about his body. My attempts to reinforce his well being and help him develop a positive body image were unsuccessful. Sexually he was not concerned about meeting his partner's needs. Our sexual life was about my meeting his needs. He was uncomfortable with physical intimacy to include cuddling, kissing, hugging. Intimacy (emotional or physical) was a trigger for him. Getting close caused him to feel the need to push away. (Engulfment fears) Quite sad.

[apollotech]

"Getting close caused him to feel the need to push away. (Engulfment fears) Quite sad."

BC, I am with you, it wasn't my BPDexgf's self-esteem issues that caused sexual problems, although clearly she did have self-esteem issues, it was her fear of engulfment driving her pushing or non participatory sexual behavior. She could do sex very well; she could not do intimacy. She was/is the only woman that I have ever met that didn't/doesn't care for foreplay, had never cared for it with any of her partners.

(Apologies ladies for chiming in on this "male only" topic, but the "sex" issues apply to female BPDer's as well.)

[JayApril]

Found this thread... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106096.0

[JayReader27]

"Getting close caused him to feel the need to push away. (Engulfment fears) Quite sad."

BC, I am with you, it wasn't my BPDexgf's self-esteem issues that caused sexual problems, although clearly she did have self-esteem issues, it was her fear of engulfment driving her pushing or non participatory sexual behavior. She could do sex very well; she could not do intimacy. She was/is the only woman that I have ever met that didn't/doesn't care for foreplay, had never cared for it with any of her partners.

(Apologies ladies for chiming in on this "male only" topic, but the "sex" issues apply to female BPDer's as well.)

Wow I never thought that the women had issues in the intimacy department. I think they have trouble separating sex from intimacy, then again Non's do as well. And no worries you are welcome too comment.

[Beach_Babe]

Very low self-esteem. I think his fears were so irrational about the weight that he refused intimacy. 

Omg yes,this waa mine too!

[Olivia_D]

Oh, mine had this Adonis (I am GOD) attitude about his physique and it didn't match up to the actual shape of his body.  Don't get me wrong, I would have loved him either way but this guy could strut while sitting.  The 4 times we had sex (yes, that's 1, 2, 3, and 4), it was stark contrast to strutting. 

THIS MAY BE THE FEMALE ZONE:  He had a pretty serious ED issue and it was "all" about him.  I can say that I had a full spectrum NPD husband that was more generous in the bedroom and less cocky about his looks.  It was almost surreal where there was one time that I almost thought he was joking, as it was that self-centered and ridiculous.  On the flip side, I was previously a bikini model (yes, that was a long time ago) so I have stayed in shape and always been athletic and toned.   Regardless of my actual physique, he looked at me like hmmm I guess "THAT" will do and then proceeded to tell me that he didn't like big boobs (sorry this is getting very personal and I guess it is a woman vent) and what's with that bruise on your thigh, you should paint your nails a different color, blah blah.  I had never heard anything similar from a man ever.  In fact, there were a few times where we were out in public and if he saw a man looking at me he'd smile and then shake his head like what are "they" thinking.  Instead of acting jealous, he did the reverse like I am just going to act like no one else would want you.  He was so detached from me in an obvious way that there was a guy that actually walked up to chat with me or attempt to flirt (right in front of my Ex-PD) as he was too cool to care.  The entire scenario was just strange. 

[DyingLove]

My exBPDgf was not a model. She didn't have to be, I loved her.  When we got together, I was in almost great shape. Into the relationship I gained weight. Love making was wonderful... .well lets say that my view on it was wonderful. She oft said how she just didn't get "that kind" of enjoyment from it.  Believe me when I say that "she came first" in my life and in our adventures too. ALWAYS.  I was always satisfied, but I had to make sure that I took care of my woman.  Body size didn't make a difference in my opinion, although I was always trying to get back to being more lean.  I did my weight lifting, but couldn't walk much on my injured leg.

Love making is up to the people involved.  ANYONE can find a way when they want to. Just like two people can make their RS work if they choose to.

[apollotech]

"On the flip side, I was previously a bikini model (yes, that was a long time ago) so I have stayed in shape and always been athletic and toned.   Regardless of my actual physique, he looked at me like hmmm I guess "THAT" will do and then proceeded to tell me that he didn't like big boobs (sorry this is getting very personal and I guess it is a woman vent) and what's with that bruise on your thigh, you should paint your nails a different color, blah blah.  I had never heard anything similar from a man ever."

Olivia,

I would say that his insults and attempts to make you less than were used to create distance between y'all. If he could insult you enough or actually make you believe that you were less than then you wouldn't want to jump into the sack. It was his attempt to avoid intimacy by creating a situation where sex between y'all would be the last thing on your mind. His fear of engulfment, by creating that scenario is, by default, avoided. As an added bonus for him, it is now your fault that y'all aren't having sex because you don't want to (Of course, he won't see this as a result of his insulting you and/or of his belittling you.). Manipulation at its finest!


"I had never heard anything similar from a man ever."

Most men don't attempt to manipulate women out of a possible sexual engagement.

[JayApril]

Oh, mine had this Adonis (I am GOD) attitude about his physique and it didn't match up to the actual shape of his body.  Don't get me wrong, I would have loved him either way but this guy could strut while sitting.  The 4 times we had sex (yes, that's 1, 2, 3, and 4), it was stark contrast to strutting. 

THIS MAY BE THE FEMALE ZONE:  He had a pretty serious ED issue and it was "all" about him.  I can say that I had a full spectrum NPD husband that was more generous in the bedroom and less cocky about his looks.  It was almost surreal where there was one time that I almost thought he was joking, as it was that self-centered and ridiculous.  On the flip side, I was previously a bikini model (yes, that was a long time ago) so I have stayed in shape and always been athletic and toned.   Regardless of my actual physique, he looked at me like hmmm I guess "THAT" will do and then proceeded to tell me that he didn't like big boobs (sorry this is getting very personal and I guess it is a woman vent) and what's with that bruise on your thigh, you should paint your nails a different color, blah blah.  I had never heard anything similar from a man ever.  In fact, there were a few times where we were out in public and if he saw a man looking at me he'd smile and then shake his head like what are "they" thinking.  Instead of acting jealous, he did the reverse like I am just going to act like no one else would want you.  He was so detached from me in an obvious way that there was a guy that actually walked up to chat with me or attempt to flirt (right in front of my Ex-PD) as he was too cool to care.  The entire scenario was just strange. 

Wow I have never heard of that before either. That must have been really awful to go through. Someone trying to point out imagined flaws to protect their fragile ego or lack of self esteem. And seriously, what guy does not like knock out knockers? Lol sorry for the language.

[Olivia_D]

You guys are funny.    The bottom line is the mind games.  If you are attractive, I must tear you down.  If you enjoy a sexual relationship, I will deprive you of the same.  If you want closeness, I will distance myself.  If you are X, I will say that you are Y.  It is not about the objective facts, it is about the control, manipulation, and slight of hand.  I said to him, you know priorities in what is attractive in another person shifts and matures with time.  What you found attractive in 7th grade (the physical attributes) is exactly that 7th grade.  When you are 50 years old and you are still fixated on the physical attributes without giving any consideration to the other person's character, integrity, personality, common interests, life goals, et cetera), you have missed the boat.  I specifically said to him when you are 75 years old, what do you think will be most important, a woman with beautiful physical attributes or someone that you have a genuine friendship with that you can sit on the front porch with and carry on a conversation?  Trying to explain that external beauty fades while internal beauty improves over time was completely lost on him.  

In the middle of the r/s, I had talked to a good male friend about these events and what he thought it meant.  There was inadequate part of me that was going to hit the gym, et cetera.  In trying to cheer me up my friend said, you don't need to hit the gym, that guy either needs a hit in the head or he is blind, likes men, or is just completely stupid.  Now, the biggest thing for me is why didn't I just run away as fast as I could.  Even if he was remotely "right" in his personal assessment of my physique, it is not the substance of what he said but the fact that he would say it at all.  

[apollotech]

"... .someone that you have a genuine friendship with that you can sit on the front porch with and carry on a conversation... ."

Off topic, but that line of thinking ^^^^, is ultimately what drove me to terminate the relationship that I was in. I finally accepted that she'd never be able to provide/enjoy times like that. We would never have the peace required to just be together and enjoy one another's company. (It was sitting in the front porch swing in my thought process.)

[StarOfTheSea]

My exBPDbf had deeply seated body issues. He is a large man and during our r/s he got larger because he'd self medicate with food. He also smokes like a chimney and lives a very sedentary lifestyle, so neither one of those factors helped. He'd make comments about how disgusting he was and would call himself a slob and a hog. He was very hard on himself. But on the flip side, he'd talk about how great he was in bed. He was great only because he always made sure I got mine before he got his.

The strangest part of his body issues was after the b/u when he told me he had been overeating to gain weight so he couldn't have sex with me. Huh? For him it was all about figuring out how to twist things around so he didn't have to take personal responsibility. I mean, what normal male would purposely gain weight so he couldn't perform?