Summer daycare cost when only one parent needs daycare?

[Ulysses]

I would like to see if anyone has feedback for me regarding 1)equitable split of summer daycare costs and 2)am I escalating conflict or am I standing my ground?

History:  I was a SAHM for 12 years (and before that I chose my career in part to support our family life and be home more, which meant less pay).  S11 is special needs, and I have a D6.  I took reduced maintenance and no child support so they could stay in private school.  I gave up majority custody request and parenting evaluator to reduce conflict (also my exHNPD/BPD is an attorney and I trusted him when he said he wanted to work on our marriage, but he said that until it was too late for the court to grant my request for a parent evaluator, then he changed his tune and wanted a divorce, so I would have had to really fight hard, and I just didn't want to do that at that time).

Last summer I took care of the children every day while he worked, even though I was looking for a job, etc., and had to put most of that on hold.  The court didn't consider that in deciding custody (only considers overnights in our state I guess, which I didn't know but he does according to my attorney when I spoke with her this year).

Ok, so this summer I'm working part-time and performing and teaching and starting grad school fulltime.  I live with my family because I can't afford anything yet (we live in a major metropolitan area and it's terribly expensive).  

exNPD/BPDh first asked me to watch the kids while he works this summer.  I politely told him I can't (therapist and attorney suggested that because I will be working and in school), but in a few years I will be able to (when I'm done with grad school in 3 years I will not work full-time in the summers).  Then he arranged for daycare camps for them with extended care.  He wants to treat it like an activity and have me pay 40% per parenting plan.

I can't afford that.  Plus, I work in the evenings and weekends and have to provide my own child care then (a family member usually and it's free, although I will need to find a few other options this summer that will cost a little).  Also, I don't agree with the daycare/camps because S11 is special needs (Asperger traits) and I think it might be a negative experience, based on the public school he went to (many of the kids at the camp are from his old school).

So, I've told my kids' dad that I can pay for 20% (because truly I could use the help on one day/week), that I want to reassess frequently to make sure the kids are alright, that I will take them to the camps on the days they're with me to provide them with continuity of care (unless they hate it because of mean kids or something), and that while I think it's great he has found daycare that fits with his work schedule, I will need to find other care for evenings/weekends, and that I arranged my daytime work schedule to not need care 7:30-6:00.  (I had previously broached the subject of a nanny but he didn't want that.)

This is a huge change for me.  I've always had my children with me during the summer.  Everything is new this year and I imagine that's part of why this is so difficult.  

Before anyone suggests a one week on/one week off schedule for the summer, I don't think I want to try to handle that.  I miss my kids enough and their dad feeds them sugar, sits them in front of the TV, keeps them up late etc., etc., so I don't want to contemplate that yet.  He also prevents them from calling me, but that's a different issue.

I guess the worst that happens is we go back to the mediator who will decide if I'm required to pay 40%.  When I realize that's the worst that will happen, I'm ok.  At worst I'll have to pay it out of my savings I'm building to go toward getting a place to live.  The sky isn't falling, and it doesn't matter if he rages at me, I'm still ok and beautiful and a good person, blah blah blah.

Any feedback is much appreciated.  It feels good to write this down.  I have so many changes and things I need to work out, and sometimes it feels like it goes so slowly.  It's ok if I don't agree with him, it doesn't mean I'm unreasonable or crazy or vindictive.  Wow, that felt good to write out.

[Ulysses]

My update to this is that my attorney told me that usually daycare costs are split according to income.  However, in our case, since I wasn't working full-time at the time of our divorce and I have family who helps out, she and the mediator suggested we agree that each of us pay our own daycare.  So I won't pay for daycare this summer, since I don't need it.  Maybe this is more of a legal issue.  I hope my children are ok with all of these changes.