The sadness that I am currently experiencing

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Having been a teacher for over 40 years, working with young adults has had its ups and downs like any other teacher will be able to state. Oftentimes, being a teacher can be difficult at the end of a school year due to knowing that there will be students whom you will have very fond memories of and may never see again, although they may wish to communicate via. the social media.

Having been married to a BPDw who alienates herself so very much with her studies and her work combined with the definite connection and subsequent goodbyes to students makes it that much more difficult and extremely saddening. Granted, I can gloss it over by doing personal things during the summer, etc., which will be fun, but the underlying sadness would not be as pronounced, if there would be a true connection with my BPDw. Unfortunately, there are many of you on this website who feel alienated and try to cope the best ways you can.

Bottom line, I wish all of us nonBPDs could have a personal life in which there is respect, love, and comfort. I guess that will hardly ever happen!

[Samuel S.]

Having been a teacher for over 40 years, working with young adults has had its ups and downs like any other teacher will be able to state. Oftentimes, being a teacher can be difficult at the end of a school year due to knowing that there will be students whom you will have very fond memories of and may never see again, although they may wish to communicate via. the social media.

Having been married to a BPDw who alienates herself so very much with her studies and her work combined with the definite connection and subsequent goodbyes to students makes it that much more difficult and extremely saddening. Granted, I can gloss it over by doing personal things during the summer, etc., which will be fun, but the underlying sadness would not be as pronounced, if there would be a true connection with my BPDw. Unfortunately, there are many of you on this website who feel alienated and try to cope the best ways you can.

Bottom line, I wish all of us nonBPDs could have a personal life in which there is respect, love, and comfort. I guess that will hardly ever happen!

[vortex of confusion]

 

I read your post and wanted to offer you some hugs of support. The end of the semester is always a bit bitter sweet. I know that I struggle the most when I am between semesters and not working.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Samuel S., I can understand your feelings, which I would say are quite normal for someone in your situation.  In my experience, life with a BPD spouse is one of constant turmoil.  For many years, I thought my BPDxW and I would reach a plateau of relative calm, which never happened.  Nons are in a Lose/Lose situation in a marriage to a pwBPD, in my view, so it seems normal and human for anyone to get discouraged.  You are not alone, my friend!  The question is: do you want to live the rest of your life that way?  What is the right path for you?  What are your gut feelings?  LuckyJim

[Samuel S.]

Vortex of confusion, thank you for understanding where I am coming from, in terms of missing my students, the ones who will be back in the Fall and the ones who have graduated or left for other ventures in their lives. I will be teaching some and tutoring a lot still during the Summer.

Lucky Jim, thank you also for understanding how I am feeling and for validating the turmoil that all of us non BPDs have on a daily basis. To answer your question about staying in such an environment is rather difficult. When my BPDw is out of town and I talked with her on the phone, she is almost like a completely different person. While she will become overwhelmed of her own doing with her studies, she is happy. She will actually seem more attentive to what my day is like, by asking me. When she is back here, she either is working or studying. After work, she will become almost reclusive and complain without even wanting to know how I am feeling or doing. I know not to even say anything, because she won't listen, anyway. She is in no good mood whatsoever. When she is studying, she will become very reclusive. In fact, in order not to disturb her, I simply get ready after breakfast and leave for the day.

So, to go back to your question about wanting to live like this for the rest of my life, I am hoping that after her studies, that she will be wanting to refocus on us. She says she "might" consider doing this. My gut feeling says that is not going to happen, because something else will take precedence. Yet, I am only hopeful that she might. After all, she knows that life is short. She lost her oldest daughter who was only 7 1/2 years old almost 16 years ago. Perhaps, this is the exact reason why she distances herself due to not wanting to get any closer due to me being 17 years older. BTW, I am 70 and in fairly good shape working out, although I take blood pressure medications.

My right path is to take care of myself each day. Also, while I am only hopeful, I am trying to earn more money, because if she does not want to refocus on us after 2 more years of her studies, I have to protect my emotional self by leaving for my own sanity.

In the meantime, the only validations I feel and get are from this website and from teaching and tutoring on a weekly basis along with seeing family and friends.

Thank you both for your feedback! It means a lot to me that I can be open like this and have people like yourselves to truly know what it means to be in a constant turmoil.

[OnceConfused]

Code:

She might consider doing this

(being back as your life partner)

That does not sound very good and promising at all. THe word "might" implies so much hesitancy in her staying in the r.s. My feeling is she will leave you at the end of her study. Right now, she is too busy to deal with the divorce which also could disrupt her study.

Sam: I lost my wife 10 years ago from a car accident and afterward I had some time to read books about our r.s so as to see why we had fought (just the normal fights, nothing big) and why at times I felt unhappy and I was sure my wife felt unhappy as well. I had thought that she neglected me because of our young children and so I was hoping for the day the kids go to college and we can rekindle the fire again. Well that day never came.

After her death , I also realize my own mortality and decided to live mindfully and fully. I want less and stay determined on my path to enlightenment. My next experience with the xBPDgf then also taught me that in order to be happy I have to live in TODAY. I was hoping xBPDgf would change but my research/reading indicated otherwise, so I mustered my courage and defied my own fear of the unknown tomorrow, to say good bye to xBPDgf. Well, 7 years later, I am a very happy man as I have found my now wife who is what the xBPDgf is not.

What I am trying to convey is, in order to be happy you have to demand it (remember the 2nd law of thermodynamics which says if left untouched, the universe is going toward chaos), you have a actively asking for it. If the other person can not give you that happiness, then instead of trying to change them, we are better off walking away and get back on the path. So the real question is "is your wife capable and willing to be the other part to make the r.s work ?"

[Lucky Jim]

She says she "might" consider doing this. My gut feeling says that is not going to happen, because something else will take precedence.

I got into a lot of trouble when I ignored my gut feelings! 

I think OnceConfused has framed the question well.

LuckyJim

[Samuel S.]

Due to my family upbringing and how scared and frustrated I get with people arguing, I do not engage in arguing. I basically cringe up as a result. My BPDw knows this, and she takes advantage of it.

Today, I got a nice plaque from a student whom I have had the last 2 years thanking me. I was so touched with it. I just wanted to share this memory with my BPDw. My sister-in-law was here as well and thought it was very nice. Then, I went into my bedroom.

Due to my BPDw's voice being loud, I overheard her say to my sister-in-law, that I have a big ego, that she has to clean up after me, etc. You need to understand that I don't brag, but I just wanted to share my joy with them. I am all about giving for giving's sake and not for the reward. As for her cleaning up after me, I do the best I can. When she complains, I listen and then do my best to be better.

So, overhearing her talk behind my back, I went to her room and asked her if she had any comments or concerns that she wanted to pose to me. She said no, that everything was fine.

After about an hour of keeping my distance, she came into my room to apologize, saying that she had a bad day, that she was in a bad mood.

Yep, because I shared a morsel of joy in my life, she twisted it all around to be verbally abusive for which I called her on it. Yet, I really do not like doing something like this.

Tomorrow, she is going to be in her study mode. So, I am getting out of the house and staying away for the day.

Thank you for letting me vent!

[Samuel S.]

Seeing that my BPDw is really not satisfied with her current job, seeing that she still has 2 more years before she can get a job in something she might like better, and seeing that I have mostly enjoyed my teaching job for more than 40 years now, I figured something else out about her. She is jealous. I have my joy, and I am usually very quiet about it, but it is my joy, nevertheless. She is dissatisfied with her current job and working a lot and studying a lot. So, any kind of comment that I have made in the past including last night is seen by her as being threatening to her own ego, because she want her new job now, but will have to wait. All of this makes sense. It was good that she apologized and admitted that she was overworked and in a bad mood last night.

The jealous part of her is nothing new, because I have 2 daughters, and she unfortunately has 1 remaining. So, she made every attempt to alienate me from them. Unfortunately, that worked for a long time, until she came to her senses and admitted she was jealous then as well.

With her BPD issues along with being jealous, I can rationalize it all and try to forgive her the best way I can, but when she continues to play her superiority complex over me, then, that is hard. I am not about being superior over anyone. We are all on this planet to help one another. I practice that earnestly both personally and professionally.

[OnceConfused]

Samuel:

your personality type is EXACTLY the one that is stuck with BPD. Like you , I tend to acquiesce and that is how I became stuck with BPD for about 7 months.

BPD tends to have a self view of being grandiose, better than thou attitude. When I met the xBPDgf I was in my 50s, successful and well respected in my business, and yet she scolded me for this or that, as I was a little child. I was scolded for eating soup too loudly, being too tight for not buying her a 20K ring (only after 6 weeks of knowing me and after I just had loaned her 25K for fix her house), my children were called "b*tches". etc and etc... .

I don't really think your wife is jealous of your children. I think she more or less is afraid of the abandonment so she tries to isolate YOU, making it easier to control you. Same thing here, as I recalled the xBPDgf was trying to isolate me from many of my normal support system (friends, neighbors and children).

I often wonder if the strategy of being a hard a** would work against BPD, but I did not have the opportunity to try it out.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw admitted she was jealous of my younger daughter, although she eventually understood the importance of any parent to have a different kind of love for for offspring vs. supposedly a solemate. Yes, she has tried to control me and manipulate me. Once I realized that, that is when I put my foot down, because my daughters are my daughters and not hers.

As for being a hard a**, a friend of mine suggested this technique as well. While that technique could work with one person, I am the type of guy who has a significant amount of respect both personally and professionally for people. This is due to my past when my parents loved me, but really did not respect me. It was their way or no way, and they would argue a lot. As a result, my personality is to not be confrontational, but respectful. If I were to try to act like a hard a**, she would see right straight through me and realize that I would be faking my behavior. In fact, she would probably laugh at me. Otherwise, she would be so hurt and walk out the door.

Regarding last night and her bad mood, she admitted to me this evening, that she had a bad day at work, had to come home to cook, and to give her sister an acupuncture treatment. So, for me to even interject something that happened during my day was out of the question. She apologized again, but my lesson was not to talk.

Gosh, OnceConfused, considering you having lost your first wife and then dealing with that xBPDgf were both horrible experiences for you! I empathize with you.

[Lucky Jim]

because I shared a morsel of joy in my life, she twisted it all around to be verbally abusive for which I called her on it. Yet, I really do not like doing something like this.

Hey Samuel, You may not enjoy celling her on the verbal abuse, yet you did it, which I find impressive.  Next time, it will be even easier.  To me, it seems like you are getting better at boundaries and at understanding your situation, which is all positive.  LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

Having been losing my wife of 22 years then running into XBPDgf were really interesting and stressful. But actually , both events/experiences taught me great lessons and a great test of my strengths and characters. I came out wounded but yet triumphant - triumphant because I learned so much about who I was. Life threw me punches and pushed me down to the gutters but I did not let death and BPD kept me down in the gutters. I looked up, saw the sky and kept on getting up.

I learned so much :

1. Life is short, we have to live it fully.

2. Happiness is mine to make, not anyone else to give. This way I don't depend on others to make me happy (thus they can control me like a pavlog dog).

3. I am determined to stay on the my path to enlightenment and let no one pull me off that path.

4. Apply the principles of FENG SHUI, that is your environment affects your health and fortune. Less is more. Don't try to change others, just bid them adieu and move on to your journey. This way both will be happy.

5. Apply the five languages model by Dr Gary Chapman. I would not marry any women who cannot understand and follow the model. In deed, I shared the book with my wife now during the first month of courtship, and I was determined if she did not feel the model work then it was time to move on. Luckily, she did and for 6 years now we live a very happy life.