Is he throwing eight years out the window?

[nomoremommyfood]

I have a lot of questions and need support but, to avoid a TL:)R situation, I'll post them upfront. It's difficult to find other people in long-term relationships (I've been with my dBPDbf for 8 years) who don't live together, but any advice would be helpful.

- How do I know when to take "I'm breaking up with you" seriously? I'm sure others have heard this retort or been in on-and-off relationships, but is there a way to tell when it's real and when it's just a threat?

- When pwBPD break off the relationship, then return, how long is the absence for most people?

- When they're dead-set on ending things, is there any way to prompt them to reconsider or is it best to lay low? Though I've been told to wait for my bf to come to me first, there's a section on this site about "out of sight, out of mind." I'm worried that, without my presence, he'll forget about me. In either case, how can someone remind a pwBPD of their existence when they've cut communication?

- Can pwBPD really just drop an 8 year relationship that easily? I mean, it's eight years!

- I understand pwBPD can act impulsively in ending relationships but, after days/weeks pass, some still don't do anything to address it. Does that mean the decision wasn't impulsive? That they really meant it?

- How much of their behavior is intentional? I'm really prone to anxiety and depression and he knows it. I can see how, in the moment, he would do something harmful but am having a hard time dealing with him continuing to willfully cause severe distress (unless, of course, he's totally done with me).

- Does anyone else notice their partner go through patterns throughout the year? For example, my bf always starts a major fight at the beginning of spring.

Here's the situation:

We got into a fight last Saturday after, as usual, waters had been calm for a few months. I don't even know what set him off or why he's upset; he would only say I "insulted him" but wouldn't elaborate. The fight wasn't our worst, though I did have a screaming and crying meltdown (whenever I lose my temper, the backlash is worse). Like every.single.fight, it ended with him "breaking up" with me. I was frantic and begged him to reconsider which I'm sure made things worse. He left saying we could talk on Wednesday (didn't happen) then, the next day, blocked me on Facebook.

He's never gone that far, before. When I discovered I was blocked, I tried to get in touch with him, but no avail. My ray of hope is the fact that his best friend has intervened and is urging him to reconcile. I've been advised to wait for him to take initiative and call me. Supposedly, I'll have more information via his friend either tomorrow or the net day.

I'm terrified this is really the end and - like anyone losing a relationship of that duration - devastated. I'm very worried about slipping into depression or mania (I was recently diagnosed with bipolar I disorder and stress seems to incite episodes). I'm in a constant state of anxiety and using some really unhealthy "coping" mechanisms. He's put me in emotional limbo: I don't know if I should wait for him to calm down or begin the painful process of mourning a very long relationship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

My BPDh used to threaten to divorce me all the time. He knew I had some fear of abandonment, and even if I hadn't I'd have developed it due to this. He'd do it all the time, and it was like torture. He'd mostly stopped now, and I'm so glad he did, because it was horrible, and awful to put up with.

He did leave me, I thought it was totally over, so I filed for divorce. He badmouthed me and lied to everyone about me. Said I only wanted his money(which is hilarious as I'm super frugal, and he's always broke), and I'm sure many more things that I'm glad I don't know. Somehow we ended up talking, which led to seeing each other, and we reconciled.

I think when they are in a dark place, they think leaving will solve everything. They have us painted black. Some of them keep thinking that way, but I think others cool down, and start to remember the good, and find out things aren't as great being single as they thought.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's such a hard place to be, I know. I can't tell you what your BF will do because he could be serious, or he could do his usual and come back. I was actually very shocked that BPDh wanted to give us another chance. And while he was gone he got some CRAZY ideas, or maybe he'd always been hiding them. In order to come back, he had all these "demands". I basically accepted him as is. Radical acceptance. Living with someone with BPD is never anywhere near fair.

Your BF may truly be moving on, or this could be just another of his taking time away. The push/pull is so hard to deal with. I hated, hated, hated having no security. I'm so glad at least that part of our relationship has changed. I'm not sure it will stay that way as he seems to be reverting to some old behaviors, so I sure hope that doesn't start again. Like you, that totally set off my anxiety. Which is probably why they do it, to keep us scared and compliant.

[Allmessedup]

I am spending a lot of time here right now because my partner has decided she "thinks" she is done.  We are long term (5years) but do not live together. Perhaps I can answer some of your questions... .atleast about how it goes in my relationship.


I used to get devestated and do very similar things as you do when she would say she was done.  I kept trying to contact her, was devestated when she would block me on fb.  Etc.  we seperated for 3 months the last time she did this.  She said she was done and besides one letter a few weeks later I never contacted her. She started stalking my social media and I blocked her.  I however didn't block email and suddenly she was back again.

I put up a boundary when we got back together that if she left again I would not ever speak to her again.  Period. And I am fully prepared to do just that.   This is why she only "thinks" she is done.  I responded to her that I was sorry she felt that way and she was free to go but just let me know what you decide kind of thing.  It's stopped the constant breakup thing honestly.

I think it's always real.  But real as it's the only option they can see at the time.  My partner has been thru a ton of therapy though so that helps some.

It was just short of 4 months for me.

Yes.  They can drop it that easily

My partner most definately has cycles.  She dysregulates every winter and at the beginning of summer.

I don't think any of this is about us.  It's all about them.  They are terrified.  I don't think that they are trying to hurt us I honestly think they are acting out of sheer terror.

Although impulsive, I do honestly believe they mean it.  At the time.  Whether they can get their feelings regulated again is individual

I hope this helps somewhat!  Hugs to you... .it's rough!

[ShadowIntheNight]

I'm on the other side of this. My uBPDexgfhad a major dis regulation last Spring. We didn't live together either, same sex couple, together 9.5 years, her previously married with 2 kids who I had known since they were toddlers (both now teens). I had no idea when she had her dis regulation that I had gotten painted black. I didn't even know about BPD until 3 months after she had gone. She is a practicing therapist, and I never noticed her being prone to irrationality until after the fact of course.

Anyhow, she ended our relat by sending me a typed note inside a birthday card. Told me she had been dating men and that she and her kids were going down a different path. When I called to find out what was going on, I was sent to voicemail. I let her have it. Not a shining moment for me for sure. I have never been given an explanation as to why she left. I am only guessing. In fact, her note didn't even say she was breaking up, just "going down a different path." And as I said absolutely no explanation as to why. I have absolutely no idea why my girlfriend left me to this moment. I'm not kidding.

I was always supportive of her. We had no real fights to speak of, her rages were addressed at others, rarely me tho she did do it a few times early in our relationship I realized later. We were highly compatible and were usually relaxed and carefree together. She was always creating drama and getting stress out over something or someone. But I'm a laid back person and would ease her mind and help her calm down over them... .

She has been gone since last August. The one time I tried to get in touch with her she said, in essence, we were over. I've taken her at her word. I am heartbroken. I presume she is with some man and he has no idea his fab girlfriend is a lesbian with internalized homophobia. (She's not bi, she's known she likes women since she was in high school. She even told her first husband she thought she might be gay.)

So having been on this side, I guess what I would do different is not let months go on. If they really mean it, at least in my case, they don't seem to look back. I say that, but in all fairness, I have had hang up calls, and had my linkedin acct cyber stalked by an "Anonymous User." Neither of us FB, so we don't check up on one another that way. We don't live in the same town so there's no driving back and forth to stalk one another. I'm sure if I showed up at her doorstep she would faint thinking she was seeing a ghost. I might slug her too, and I'm not a violent person. But I have been thru hell the last 9 months. Just last night I had a crying jag because of what she did, who she might be with, and why my life has so totally changed.

If you think you want him to stay, you need to steel up and quit being weepy, you really do have to be emotionally strong because I don't  think they care how they treat you. I don't think it even affects them once they have it in their mind they're leaving. So buck up, and prepare to have to be stronger than you're used to being.

You're lucky you have a friend acting on your behalf. I don't nor didn't. Good luck.

[formflier]

 

The better question to ask... .rather than when to take breaking up seriously... .is why fight with them?

Why not just walk away... .?

When the fight starts... .or they throw out some "bait" to start a fight... .

Ask yourself... ."What good can come of this... .?"  You better have a really good answer to continue the fight... .

Even better... .if you do continue... .don't fight... .have an emotionally health conversation... .

Thoughts?

FF

[vortex of confusion]

The better question to ask... .rather than when to take breaking up seriously... .is why fight with them?

Why not just walk away... .?

When the fight starts... .or they throw out some "bait" to start a fight... .

Yes, yes, yes! I can't tell you how much my life changed when I made the conscious decision NOT to fight with him. I do think that some clarification needs to be added though. Choosing not to fight isn't the same as letting them "get away" with things or ignoring the problem. I have been with my spouse for 17 years. Early on, I would try to address stuff and it would lead to fights. I stopped fighting but I didn't really address anything. I chose to ignore some things rather than deal with my own stuff. I wanted to fight with him because I felt that there were issues that needed to be resolved and dealt with. I wanted to fight with him because that was the only way that I felt like any communication would occur at all.

Ask yourself... ."What good can come of this... .?"  You better have a really good answer to continue the fight... .

Rarely anything good comes of a fight. My past self was under the impression that having a fight would bring stuff to light. I used to think that it was better to fight than let it go. I remember seeing a list one time of rules for fighting fair. One of the things on the list was "Fight, don't let it fester." I think their version of "fighting" was to have an actual healthy discussion because other things on the list for fighting fair were things like: no name calling, no bringing up ancient history, use I statements, hold hands or touch during the discussion/fight, allow either/both participants to walk away when things get to tense

If there are some ground rules for "fighting" that prevents things from escalating, then that could be a good thing. However, if fighting is basically a bunch of name calling and ugliness, nothing good will come of it.

Even better... .if you do continue... .don't fight... .have an emotionally health conversation... .

That requires a lot of skill because it might require walking away, SET, or any number of other communication techniques. The bigger question is "How does one attempt to have an emotionally healthy conversation with somebody that isn't emotionally healthy?"

[Jessica84]

We never know if it's the "end" or not. All we know is we still have to look after ourselves. Give yourself the same love and care you gave him. Whatever happens, you'll be better for it.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I've been in the same situation with BPDbf - no kids, don't live together, almost 6 years with intermittent breakups. What never worked was calling, texting, crying, love bombing, sending lengthy emails or trying to convince him to work it out. He once told me "we've grown apart". I JADEd with "what? in the last 10 minutes?" I've also over-apologized and took all the blame even when I didn't know what I did wrong, if anything. This was all before learning about BPD.

None of it works - feeds his shame and destroys us both inside. What works for me now is a simple "Ok, best of luck to you" then go on about my life, ignoring all baited attempts to argue. I don't help him justify his need for distance. I just give it him. During those times I enjoy peace and quiet, get in touch with old friends... .enjoy my life! When I shrug it off, he's left to self-soothe. Wasn't my decision to impulsively break up... .not my job to comfort him through it. When he doesn't get the emotional response he's looking for, he seems to come back to earth pretty quickly. Whether your bf does or not... .take care of YOU! 

[formflier]

Whether your bf does or not... .take care of YOU! 

Well said... .!

FF

[nomoremommyfood]

You guys, thank you so much for all these responses! It's refreshing to know that other people have been in this position - and it is so awful.

I haven't heard from him, yet. Though I may have distorted memory, in the past, I don't remember being this worried. Previously, he's either lived alone (which gave him time to ruminate) or lived close by and, when I couldn't stand it anymore, I'd walk over to his house and - if he wasn't around - leave a note and an ice cream bar, or something. At least he'd get the hint that I didn't want to focus on it (and would thank me for the ice cream bar). I don't know his new address but he's been enamored with his new (male) roommate and I'm sure bar-hopping and distracting himself. This makes it 100xworse - the thought of him hanging out, socializing, and out to meet new girls with his single roommate. In fact, one of my annoyances - not a big fight thing, just a relationship annoyance - was about not going out, enough. His friends get to see the "fun side" and I get to see him when he's depressed and wants me to make him dinner.

I guess what I would do different is not let months go on. If they really mean it, at least in my case, they don't seem to look back... .If you think you want him to stay, you need to steel up and quit being weepy, you really do have to be emotionally strong because I don't think they care how they treat you. I don't think it even affects them once they have it in their mind they're leaving. So buck up, and prepare to have to be stronger than you're used to being.

To clarify - what do you mean by you wish you hadn't let months go by? I agree with not being weepy, but should I try to reach out in a level-headed way?

The better question to ask... .rather than when to take breaking up seriously... .is why fight with them? Why not just walk away... .?

I agree 100%. We'd previously been working on how to diffuse situations. I initially tried to take a walk when things escalated, then stayed to talk it out. I really regret breaking down in tears, freaking out, and begging him not to leave. He was starting to calm down but, once he called me a drug addict, I totally lost it and wouldn't let him walk out the door. I'm pretty sure that was the element that's either bringing down the heaviest punishment or has cost the relationship. I know I was wrong - though it still seems particularly brutal to visually witness someone panicking, then do something that will incite panic. I also agree about finding better ways to fight - before I tweaked out, I was telling him he had a right to offer his opinion as long as he did so in a respectful way (although I highly doubt implying I'm "addicted to food" and should be able to skip meals for his benefit was really "just a polite suggestion". However, this is what's really digging at me - whenever we have these fights, my first reaction is "how can we improve these situations in the future?", as I naively believe we'll have a conversation about better communication. Then, I realize I'm either getting the silent treatment or he's ending the relationship. All thoughts on improving a relationship are put on the back burner when there might not even be a relationship to improve.

I almost called him a few minutes ago, and stopped myself. He typically spends Sundays gambling and I don't want to discover he's blocked my phone number, too. I may call his friend, though, to get an update. It's been over a week and I don't want to appear desperate, but I do want him to remember I exist.

[formflier]

It's been over a week and I don't want to appear desperate, but I do want him to remember I exist.

Hmm... .he remembers... .no call needed.

Have you read the lessons about push pull type of relationships?

Quick version:  Chasing someone that shows traits of BPD... .is usually not good.

Take this time to think about you YOU... .not "WE"... .will have a better r/s in the future. 

He is free to offer opinions in a disrespectful way... .anytime he wants.  Telling him he can't has proven ineffective.

Best is to show him what you will and won't tolerate.  It may take a while... .but he will eventually believe it.

[DyingLove]

No one walks here alone. As much as this place seems to be the culmination of grief pain and anguish, it's almost like a boot camp. You come in all weak and scrawny and beat up from life and you leave one of two ways, the preferable way is stronger than you've ever been in smarter than you've ever been. The other way is, will you just don't leave, you remain chasing your tail and bewilderment while the pain bears down on you.

I am proud to say that just over the past couple of days, I am seeing the light or better put I see the finish line. It's only one finish line in a multitude of races but still I'm almost there.

People have worded things that were scary to me at times. They told me that you'll get over it but you won't forget it and it will always be there but you won't feel the pain. That's some scary crap right there! But let me elaborate on that a little bit, the pain does go away, it gets less and less and less, and I'm sure it's going to become even less than it is for me right now. As far as remembering goes it's kinda like remembering landmarks when somebody gives you directions. It's nothing I think that will trigger you, but it is just some of the scenery that you been through on your journey of life. So don't think it's a bad thing because it's not.

Eight years out the window? Well I've got four years out the window. I never thought it would happen and I never saw it coming. And going by the events that happened there was nothing that I can do. I did not beg her to stay, actually I did not beg her to change her mind because it was me that had to go. At that point it was either do or die and I was not about to cave in and become jelly on the doormat that I already was. I do agree that it is one of the most painful things to happen initially with no rhyme or reason, but things will definitely get better. Part of my grief is that I had to move 1400 miles back to a place that had already swallowed up my spot. Half dead, totally broke financially, no focus on myself, not even knowing who I was. I was like a little kid waiting for somebody to hold my hand and tell me it was going to be okay while they walked me home and talked me into bed. Scary is not the word. If you've already got a place to live in a job and you're not that sick, just count your blessings because some of us are so much worse off.

[Washisheart]

I have been with my uBPDfiance for almost 6.5 years (off and on of course... .). We went almost 2 years straight, then two years of back & forth hell, and now almost 2.5 years straight. We live together. The most I ever didn't hear from him after a breakup was around 3 weeks.

When he threatens to leave, I say nothing. When he threatens to find a woman who will treat him better & do more for him than I do, I wish him luck and tell him I hope she makes him happy. One time he sat in his car with it running for twenty minutes before he realized I wasn't running after him.

Girl, don't beg or plead! You are giving a man with severe psychological issues power over you. And they THRIVE off it & will use it to manipulate you every chance they get and every time you don't do what they want. Mine had that power with his exes. He would demand the most random crap and threaten to have another woman do it if I wouldnt. My response? Then you better take all your stuff because you'll be staying there from now on.

If I could give you one word of advice, think about what you're doing. It is emotionally exhausting to be with someone who will probably never unconditionally love you. It's so discouraging to give & give and go unappreciated. No matter how much you do, if you have to say no, all hell breaks loose. If he's gone, take this as a time to reflect on what you really want in a relationship.

[formflier]

Girl, don't beg or plead! You are giving a man with severe psychological issues power over you.

Well said!  How long did it take for you to solidify this thinking?  What was the key for you in figuring this out?

  It is emotionally exhausting to be with someone who will probably never unconditionally love you. 

Can I suggest a rephrase... .?

That their version of unconditional love is different than our... .two different standards... .it will be expressed differently.

FF

[Washisheart]

I don't know about a rephrase because after these last few months, it's how I honestly feel. I have done ALOT for this man in 6.5 years. To me, no big deal, when you are in a relationship its give and take. But when he's angry he can't get his way or something he wants, bust out the violins and feel pity for him while he acts like I've never done nothing and don't care about him. And since I started to feel unappreciated and stopped doing so much for him because he appreciates none of it, this is becoming a frequent argument. I want him to do for me. I want him to think about my feelings. I want him to stop ruining my birthdays with crap arguments!

There has been one time this entire year he showed me how important I am to him. It was in the ER after he was assaulted. They wouldn't let me in (he was transported via ems). He busted out the door in his Johnny with his plastic bag of clothes in his hand and when I asked him what he was doing he said "Going home, they won't let you in." When he's sick, or hurt he needs "woobie".

As far as when I realized not to cave into his demands, it was after we broke up and got back together. He threatened to have another woman come move his stuff out of my house, I told him to go ahead, I will stab them both, he's not going to disrespect me like that. Needless to say, he didn't go anywhere. I caught on from there that the less I caved in, the more he realized I wasn't playing. Granted, threatening to stab him wasn't the best way I could have handled it, but at this point I had just been through a lot emotionally and I was on the brink of snapping.

[formflier]

I don't know about a rephrase because after these last few months, it's how I honestly feel. 

You are right to feel this way... .

And... .it is your right to express it to your partner... .

Just like he has completely right and valid feelings... .

And he has every right to express those directly to you... .


My goal with suggesting a rephrase... .is to examine the possibility of a way to feel and express a similar sentiment... .possibly without the collateral damage of expressing "exactly" how you feel.

Also... .the vision that both of you have of unconditional love... .may not be the same... .and his version of that may shift a bit more quickly than yours.

I'm here to support you and your feelings.  I see exactly why you feel the way you do... .   Expressing those feelings has a cost... .please consider it.

FF

FF

[nomoremommyfood]

Hmm... .he remembers... .no call needed.

Have you read the lessons about push pull type of relationships?

Quick version:  Chasing someone that shows traits of BPD... .is usually not good.

Take this time to think about you YOU... .not "WE"... .will have a better r/s in the future. 

He is free to offer opinions in a disrespectful way... .anytime he wants.  Telling him he can't has proven ineffective.

Best is to show him what you will and won't tolerate.  It may take a while... .but he will eventually believe it.

I called his friend last night and he iterated the exact same thing. They (let's add some pseudonyms - I'll call my bf "Mike" and his friend "Roger" discussed the situation for 2-3 hours on Saturday. Mike is still upset about the fight. The Facebook block - despite being impulsive - amplified it's magnitude. Roger believes he's willing to reconcile but needs to swallow his pride, call me, and take responsibility. I've been told I absolutely cannot call him or it will enforce the message that there are no repercussions to treating me like crap.

Not calling him is really tough. The silent treatment always ends with me re-establish contact then agreeing to whatever he wants/frantically apologizing and promising to "change", just to end the immediate anxiety. It really sucks because these silent treatment spells start with me thinking "we need to have a talk about boundaries" and end in total desperation. Which is exactly what he wants and so manipulative.

Roger doesn't think we're breaking up - Mike never even mentioned the possibility to him and their discussions seem to revolve around "resolving a fight". This kind of confuses me. As I remember, the fight was about breaking up, so why isn't he even mentioning the subject with other people? And threats to break up are the heart of the problem! Every disagreement - no matter the original subject - turn into a fight about breaking up. He's wanted to break up over everything from my being upset he didn't invite me to an art opening to me thinking one Nirvana bootleg was better than another Nirvana bootleg to whether the city buses ran on time (seriously!).

Every prior instance of the silent treatment has ended with me making the first move, so I have no idea how long he'll dig in his heels... .or if he'll just never call. I think I figured out why he got so upset - it was incited by my reacting incorrectly to a compliment, then not letting him walk out when he was angry. I was admittedly wrong about the latter and want to apologize for it. According to Roger, I can not call him under any circumstances, even to apologize, or nothing will change. In my opinion, the constant threats to break-up are at the heart of the issue and need to stop. I'm just not 100% confident that I'll actually get the "civil conversation" his friend keeps insisting I wait upon. Plus, I get conflicting messages from everyone - he splits me, his friends think he loves me, my friends think he doesn't even like me.

Oh, and I'm not sure if I've read the "Push/Pull" lesson. I've gone through some of the lessons, but don't totally understand the lessons, in general. Am I supposed to just read through them or implement some sort of exercise?

[Washisheart]

Make sure he doesn't have someone else. Everytime mine left it was because another female sparked his interest

[formflier]

Oh, and I'm not sure if I've read the "Push/Pull" lesson. I've gone through some of the lessons, but don't totally understand the lessons, in general. Am I supposed to just read through them or implement some sort of exercise?

Read... .a couple of times.  Make notes... .what you understand... .what you don't.  Then ask those questions here... .we can help guide.

Then... .once you think you understand the lesson and how it can apply... .put it into real action in your r/s.


I think your friend is giving you good advice.

Why do you think you have had such a hard time waiting to let him call you?  What can you do to help change that?

FF

[Riverrat]

Yup! I can identify with you!

My dBPDgf sat in a restaurant and told me it was over, "I'm breaking up with you" "I want my own life to discover what I want" etc. she hoped we could still be friends on some level.  Two weeks later, tells friends AND me that we are just "Taking a break" for a while.

They don't understand what breaking up and ending a r/s is, IMO. And they use the words without realizing the implications that "we will be gone forever".  Which, while softening the blow to them, makes it tough for us nons to heal, make future plans, move on, etc.

I would love to move to a new place, and perhaps date a few times to help restore my confidence, conversation skills, etc.

BUT is she really gone? probably not, and will be back moving into our place in a few months. It's a dilemma alot of us seem to face while waiting for our pwBPD to miss us and return... .

Hand in there, as FF says: We've all been down these roads before... .

RR

[Washisheart]

"Taking a break" must be universal for them

[Riverrat]

Yes, and needing "space", but then feeling distanced and lonely that "we don't care"

RR

[nomoremommyfood]

Make sure he doesn't have someone else. Everytime mine left it was because another female sparked his interest

This is, like, my ultimate fear. I'm super jealous and he uses it to his advantage. This has been his number one bait for years, though he hasn't done it. He will, however, use fights as a chance to tell me he's "in love" with at least five of his female friends, then friend hot girls on Facebook for me to find. His friend assures me there's no one else and, unless he's very good at concealing it, I have to believe him. Frankly, most of the girls he finds attractive aren't interested in dating an unemployed, clearly unhinged, gambling addict twice their age, but I still want to vomit at the thought.

They don't understand what breaking up and ending a r/s is, IMO. And they use the words without realizing the implications that "we will be gone forever".  Which, while softening the blow to them, makes it tough for us nons to heal, make future plans, move on, etc.

Yes! Yes! This is SO true! To him, "we're breaking up" is just another thing to upset me. To me, it really means, "your boyfriend of eight years is leaving you... .except maybe not, because he's done this so many times but, maybe does he really mean it, now?" It keeps you in stasis - unable to mourn or move forward. I'm really bad at handling break-ups (though - aside from a few one-and-offs with him - it's been years since I've dealt with the end of a relationship) and it's brutally confusing to not know whether or not it's time to start mourning process.

I would love to move to a new place, and perhaps date a few times to help restore my confidence, conversation skills, etc.

Yes to this, too! Last week, I was debating creating an online dating profile just to see if anyone looked appealing. But I don't want to lead on some poor guy, only to disappear if/when my BF returns. Plus, I've had a number of chances to be with other people in the past and now get to have all the fun of "I can't believe I didn't take up [whomever], now!"

Weirdly, my bf's friend didn't even know the fight was about breaking up. When I've talked to him, I've been frantically repeating, "Is he breaking up with me?" ":)id he explicitly say he wasn't breaking up with me?" The response will be "stop saying he's breaking up with you! This is about a fight that got out of control, he threatened to block you, went home and did it, and now doesn't know how to resolve it." His friend was surprised when I told him the fight was actually about breaking up! So, my bf has been telling him we had a random fight over something and not mentioning it turned into an "I'm breaking up with you" situation. WHAT?

Why do you think you have had such a hard time waiting to let him call you?  What can you do to help change that?

I'm having such a hard time because every other fight has ended by my initiative. Typically, I wait a few days, call or text something innocuous, wait a few days more, let him know he can take his time and we can talk whenever he's ready, until eventually I get some sort of "we'll talk in a few days" response. I've always been the first to respond and I don't totally trust that he'll ever take the initiative to contact me. Plus, the Facebook block threw a wrench and made it seem so much more serious than prior times. And really do want to apologize - I shouldn't have blown up and blocked the door when he was trying to leave after we've discussed that him leaving when he can't control is temper is a good thing. I don't want him to think I'm in some sort of stand-off with him and trying to hold out because I think I'm right about something - his friend assures me this isn't the case, but I'm not convinced he parlayed to my bf that I'm intentionally holding out for reasons that are amicable and not to prove a point.

I'm also getting depressed. Exactly two years ago, we had a similar blow-up (in that instance, he didn't see me for a month and went on an all-out gambling spree, though he would speak to me on occasion), the mounting depression and anxiety finally led me to contact him out of my own well-being. I remember meeting with clients, then bursting into tears the second I got home, losing weight, unable to eat a full meal, constant panic attacks, etc. I'm not as depressed yet, but still haven't been able to feel normal for 11 days. I live alone and work from home and all I want to do is lie in bed. My apartment is a mess, I don't have the energy to do the laundry that needed to be done before our fight, and buying groceries is an insurmountable task. Admittedly, I've made the situation much worse by "self-medicating" (I'm not going into incriminating detail), and, though I'm trying to take a break for at least a few days, nothing else holds any interest. It's like being perpetually stuck in a post-breakup bender with no end in sight.

[Jessica84]

I swear I could've written this exact same post before. I know what you're going through. It's a nightmare. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't think straight, stuck re-living the last argument over and over in your head. But it's not like a normal breakup at all. Can't move forward because you don't know if it's over. His friends tell you it isn't, but you can't go back to the way it was either. Soo been there. My bf has done the same to me countless times. Mutual friends telling me the same - no idea we had broken up and that he seems confused and doesn't know how to resolve it.

The ONLY thing that worked was waiting him out and trying my best not to think about him - distracted myself with work, friends, exercise, movies, anything... .That way if he did come back he wasn't overcome with shame. He was relieved to find I wasn't a hot mess. After a day or two things were back to normal.

Don't worry about apologizing if you do hear from him. You can say it once but it make it light. If you carry the heavy burden, it could really increase his shame. I noticed my bf would keep his distance longer if I was too eager to take all the blame. I hope this helps you. Sorry you're going through this. Hang in there 

[nomoremommyfood]

I swear I could've written this exact same post before. I know what you're going through. It's a nightmare. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't think straight, stuck re-living the last argument over and over in your head. But it's not like a normal breakup at all. Can't move forward because you don't know if it's over. His friends tell you it isn't, but you can't go back to the way it was either. Soo been there. My bf has done the same to me countless times. Mutual friends telling me the same - no idea we had broken up and that he seems confused and doesn't know how to resolve it.

The ONLY thing that worked was waiting him out and trying my best not to think about him - distracted myself with work, friends, exercise, movies, anything... .That way if he did come back he wasn't overcome with shame. He was relieved to find I wasn't a hot mess. After a day or two things were back to normal.

It's really reassuring to know this behavior is relatively common. I know about suicide threats, but don't know as much about threats to break up. And their impact... .after hearing "I've been forced to date you too long" enough times, I start to believe he really wants out. And the things with friends is baffling, too. The majority of my friends urge me to break up with him. I have one particular friend who actively hates him, after hearing me complain and seeing the damage he inflicts.

Actually, something just occurred to me. He's just moved into an apartment with an old friend. He seems really enamored with his roommate and talks about him, constantly. Prior to this, I'd been nagging him for blowing me off while doing "guy" things with his new roommate; he hadn't been returning my calls and, when I saw him, would not stop talking about everything he and his roommate had done, together. I've been reassured that he's still thinking about me but I wonder if he's not calling because he's found my "replacement", even if that replacement isn't a romantic partner?

I guess I can take some solace in the fact that he'll inevitably fall off the pedestal at some point, too.

But I think you're right about the shame thing. This fight got really messy when I had a hysterical, half-suicidal meltdown - to the point where he actually seemed worried until I calmed down, then switched back to hating me. But these "we're over" incidents always involve him calling me "psychotic" and worsen when I get visibly upset. I'll try to call a truce or ask what I can do to make him change his mind (nobody wants to go to sleep then wake up not knowing if they've been suddenly dumped or not), the only response other than "nothing" is "prove to me that I don't need to worry about you" or "I'll consider it when you get stable."

Sorry I'm harping on this - I've been sleeping for almost two days and have been in bed all day with no motivation to get up. Part of this is self-induced; I've been on a bender since the fight and trying to take a break, but the comedown is making me feel worse so, on top of being upset over this, I'm resisting the urge to handle my now-extra-bad mood with substances. I really want to call him, today. It's gotten to the point where I just plain miss him. Enough days have passed that I'm forgetting I'm not supposed to be talking to him, I'll read or see something that would interest him, then realize I can't tell him about it... .or post it on Facebook because I'm.Still.Blocked.

Do chances of reconciling get better or worse the longer the silence lasts? I know it's only been 11 days, but I really want this to be over!

Also, can someone point me to the Push/Pull Lesson? I found the "Lesson" section - along with all the other resources - but I can't seem to find one with "push and pull" in the title.

[formflier]

Do chances of reconciling get better or worse the longer the silence lasts? I know it's only been 11 days, but I really want this to be over!

Also, can someone point me to the Push/Pull Lesson? I found the "Lesson" section - along with all the other resources - but I can't seem to find one with "push and pull" in the title.

My opinion is that it is not the length of the silence that matters... .but how the silence is broken.

If it is broken by you caving in... .that is normally bad for long term stability.  I'll look for the lesson and see what I can find... .

FF

[formflier]

 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

OK... .so... .it seems there is not a push pull lesson per se.

I'm going to keep snooping.

I think the two lessons above would be good to look at... .and come back and post observations and questions.


Push pull.  My opinion is this describes them swtiching from drawing your closer... .and to pushing you away... .all the while you are perplexed.

The key seems to be to not get exasperated... .don't react... .look for emotions to validate.  YOU ARE NOT AGREEING THAT YOU SHOULD BE PUSHED APART... .!  You are validating their feeling that they should run... .push... .whatever.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation


FF

[nomoremommyfood]

Still nothing. Not a word.

I'm losing hope. Tomorrow will be two weeks. I can't think of any time he's gone that long without speaking to me aside from when we were first dating... .when he randomly dumped me and disappeared for a month.

I've gone through the lessons and thank you for directing them to me! I've actually gone through a bunch throughout the years 8.5 years (I forgot to calculate the past 6 months, not that it makes a difference, now). Right after the fight, my first instinct was to find ways to talk to him about knocking off the "I'm breaking up with you" auto-response as a method of getting his way. I don't mean to sound negative, but what's the point in changing my future approach when he's done everything to indicate there is no future?

Admittedly, I did need to tune up validation skills (these have always been hard for me), got lax on triggering him (with him, everything is a trigger), and definitely JADED before I figured out he was baiting me. Things were going well, I felt relaxed around him, and I wasn't prepared to respond appropriately. Still, there's something very messed up about feeling the wrath because you, god forbid, let your guard down.

He's had two weeks and done absolutely nothing. He's knows I'm upset - I left him a voicemail last Tuesday! - and he knows I hate the silent treatment. I can understand an impulsive move but, after this much time, it's no longer seems impulsive. It's either intentional or he just doesn't care; either punishing me for as long as possible or breaking up with me in the most cowardly, disrespectful way possible.

If it is broken by you caving in... .that is normally bad for long term stability.

But what if he just never caves? And what if there is no "long term", anymore? After amplifying a fight to this pitch, it's starting to seem worse to just sit here waiting on him, completely miserable, until he may or may not decide he's ready to talk. He's not dumb - he can't expect that someone will shrug off ending such a long relationship so suddenly; he's been quite forthcoming about "don't call me from the psych ward when you never hear from me, again." I feel like his continued silence has made things much, much worse than when they started. And, frankly, I sometimes suspect he'd love it if we broke up. When we've broken up in the past, very little changes except he gets to use the "I'm not even your boyfriend!" card, plus the freedom to "find someone who deserves him."

I'm going to call his friend tomorrow - he and my bf usually have band practice on Saturday - and see if I can get some sort of answer. I don't know what to do after that, but I can't go months not knowing if I'm in a relationship or not.

[shattered1]

I'm am living this exact thing right now... .Only two years but wow... .limbo... .  I agree. They are just punishing us or realty don't care... .did they every really?  That's what I'm having a lot of trouble with... .what are we waiting for?  I feel your pain... .he's dropped off messenger... .facebook texts... .no calls... .2 in a half weeks... .And we live 100 miles apart... .now realizing that a long distance relationship probably not to good for a BPD .two weeks together... .two weeks apart... .I so wish I would have figured out about BPD months ago... .Maybe I could have helped him... .helped us... .before I became his trigger all the time... .now I think its probablytoo late... .good luck and prayers

[nomoremommyfood]

I so wish I would have figured out about BPD months ago... .Maybe I could have helped him... .helped us... .before I became his trigger all the time.

I feel your pain - but I honestly don't think it's possible to not become their trigger all the time. They go off on anyone that gets too close to them but I read somewhere that romantic partners take the hardest brunt. Of course, that gets transformed into shifting blame, i.e. "if I'm only this angry around you, there must be something about you that's causing it."

I'm not sure if this is common, but I've found it virtually impossible to get him to accept any sort of professional help (and I have no idea how he can be on SSI/SSDI Disability and not required to see any sort of doctor, whatsoever - in fact, I kind of think he's supposed to be seeing someone and not going). He didn't have a diagnosis when we first started dating - I just thought he was a jerk and I was so messed up, I'd tolerate anything! The way he'd drop people, I was convinced it was a misdiagnosis, until I looked past the DSM symptoms.

I just called his friend and got no answer, though they typically have band practice on Saturdays. I'll try again this evening.

A new question: It's been two weeks. How long am I supposed to keep waiting? When can I just assume he's not coming back?

I understand that it's best to let him come to me in the long run, but doesn't that send the message that he can take all the time in the world and I'll be here, waiting? Though I agree it's best not to beg, it kind of feels like pandering. No normal person would allow a partner of 8+ years to disappear for weeks without explanation. I'm getting more and more depressed the longer this goes on and getting over such a long relationship is burden enough, in itself. If he's just done with me, weeks spent not knowing don't seem conducive to any sort of healing process.

By the way, I'm sorry if my last message sounded rude or came off as sarcastic. I don't mean to dismiss helpful advice, I'm just wondering if it's worth it to practice better communication if no relationship exists or if that would just cause more pain. For lack of a better analogy, sort of like spending years working toward a degree, then discovering the field has folded right before you graduate.

[Jessica84]

You cannot predict what he will do so take this time to grieve and heal. Whether he comes back or not, you still need to heal from this wound. Read the lessons to the right of this page. This will help you understand what's happened so you can make sense of it, and if he does return, help you improve your r/s. You can use this time to learn the communication techniques either way. They will help you in the long-run regardless of how this turns out.

Most importantly, take your life back! Don't skip meals. Don't allow yourself to stay in bed all day.

Don't get ahead of yourself - take it one day at a time: Wake up, force yourself out of bed, dress, eat breakfast, tackle work or home projects, run errands or take a walk (sunshine and fresh air will do you good!), make plans during the day for how to spend your evenings - give yourself something to look forward to at the end of each day - whether watching your favorite TV shows or catching up on your reading. Going out with friends was always harder on me during one of these breaks, so I found things I liked doing solo. If going out makes you feel better, call up some friends and get out there!

Repeat the next day, and the next, until you're back in your old routine. You can't stop living while you wait. 

[nomoremommyfood]

Whoa, I could've sworn I've read everything on these boards, but I feel like it's finally becoming a little more clear!

I've been going through the Lessons and certain things stood out to me. In particular, a remark about object constancy perhaps referring to not just an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, but an inability to see the person in context of their entire history, together. Like, when he's screaming that we need to break up because we can't get along for a single day without fighting, yet we've actually been getting along for the past few months.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N is something I've always wanted to use, but can never remember. If I talk to him again, I want to ask him to stop using threats to break-up as an answer to everything (ex: I'm upset that he didn't invite me to an art opening turns into "well, if I didn't invite you, it's because we're clearly not compatible and should break up" or "if you walk away [from the fight], I'll break up with you.". It's gotten totally out of control and this might be a good way to discuss it - or maybe too advanced, for now?

I'm familiar with S.E.T and try to practice it; it's gets tough to translate it into my own vernacular and not sound like a textbook. If we do speak, what approach should I take?

The lessons kind of make me nervous because of the emphasis on needing to be stable and mentally in-control. I'm ashamed to admit that this particular fight involved me threatening to jump off the fire escape or swallow all the pills in the house, then cutting my arm with a scalpel. It was a low-point and I was totally out of control. He left saying "maybe we can talk when you're stable." I don't want him to see me as mentally unstable but this continued silence is grinding me down and I worry that - if I ever talk to him - I'll be so depressed at that point, he'll totally reject me. I did stop my substance binge two days ago and can anticipate at least a few days for dopamine levels to get back to normal. I'm also dead-set on actually doing my laundry, taking out the trash, and grocery shopping tomorrow. It's been raining all day and this week has been a nightmare, even without the fight. I'm going thrifting with my friend on Monday and "treated myself" to frozen yogurt. Baby steps?

I spoke with his friend earlier today and, apparently, he's very close to calling me; supposedly "hovering over the phone"... .but it didn't happen. I'm giving it 48 hours. I started making a list of items to discuss with him, or even a letter apologizing for my role in the fight, but also acknowledging that we both need to work on staying calm and not getting triggered. I assume the best response is to sound as level-headed as possible, whether he calls me or I break down and call him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi nomoremommyfood,

forget for the time being about DEARMAN. It can be a bit complex. Maybe not totally forget it - remember: All patterns start with listening. Standing by your point/assertiveness is good. Flexibility is good too. Nail down agreement in the end.

When learning patterns it pays to focus. Focusing on validation is a good first step. Once you are able to validate negative emotions you are ready to move on. Then focusing on SET is a good second step - the additional required learning is loosing fear to bring facts and separating facts from own interests and other emotions. When you got a firm grip on SET then it is worth getting started on assertiveness. By that time you should have however a good grip on boundaries otherwise naive implementation of assertiveness by someone who does not feel secure is easily becoming aggression.

I'm familiar with S.E.T and try to practice it; it's gets tough to translate it into my own vernacular and not sound like a textbook. If we do speak, what approach should I take?

Getting the "S" right is a bit tough in an intimate relationship. I sometimes think the S is more useful in a relationship with more distance like a T-patient or boss-subordinate relationship. Don't worry about the S too much. Look at it as sET. The E and T are the key bits while S simply gets you the permission to speak which you may have gotten through other means already.

[Jessica84]

That's great advice, An0ught. Mine usually looks like SEEEET. He seems to thrive on the empathy, and can handle the T better with enough E... .though I try not to make the T sting too much. And when possible, validation thru normalizing - when anyone in the same situation would feel the same way. Often my uBPDbf gets upset when anyone would (stuck in traffic, long lines, bad day at work, etc.) He may overreact, but his initial reaction is normal. So showing empathy by normalizing has the potential to bring him back down or at least keep him from spiraling. The key is validating their feelings. Normalize where you can.

Glad to see you are slowly pulling yourself out of this - doing laundry, paying bills, meeting up with friends. Baby steps will do fine.  One day at a time. If he's hovering over the phone, maybe he'll actually dial your number soon.

[formflier]

  I'm ashamed to admit that this particular fight involved me threatening to jump off the fire escape or swallow all the pills in the house, then cutting my arm with a scalpel. It was a low-point and I was totally out of control. He left saying "maybe we can talk when you're stable." I don't want him to see me as mentally unstable but this continued silence is grinding me down and I worry that - if I ever talk to him - I'll be so depressed at that point, he'll totally reject me.

One thing that you will see on these boards often... .is help yourself first... .then others.

Put on your own oxygen mask first... .and then help someone else put theirs on (there is a real reason you hear this on airliners!)

Anyway... .don't hand him power.  If his calling... .or not calling has the power to destabilize you... .he is in control (and may not know it)... .not you.  Not a good situation.

Can you talk to us about your support network... .(drs, therapists... .friends... .etc etc).  How do you take care of you?

FF

[nomoremommyfood]

Still nothing.

My intermediary got him to promise he's contact me on Sunday - he agreed to a text. Never sent it.

On the bright side, he was able to get a hold of my bf Monday. Apparently, he woke up in a terrible mood and will be calling me thing week (supposedly).

Can you talk to us about your support network... .(drs, therapists... .friends... .etc etc).  How do you take care of you?

This is part of the problem. I am admittedly the worst about self-care. It generally involves consuming any substance in sight, then frantically calling anyone willing to listen. Thankfully, I dropped the drug use almost a week ago; it has the tendency to make me a lot more depressed, in the end.

I talk to a therapist weekly, which is great, and see my doctor, tomorrow - I wish I could see my doctor more but I maybe see him once a month due to his schedule. I'm asking him about increasing medication; not necessarily to cope with this particular issue, but because I'm worried about the stress setting off bipolar depression. My friends are... .not too helpful. They mainly see him as abusive and just tell me to get rid of him. Which I understand but, in a relationship this long, it's easier said than done. And, at some point, they just get exhausted; what's the point in consoling someone when they just end up staying in the relationship, anyway? I've pretty much burned out all my friends on the topic, which I understand. On the other side, I'm not really the type to gush about my boyfriend 24/7. They mainly only hear about him when I'm complaining, which doesn't paint an accurate picture. I think this is pretty normal, though. I have a good friend who's been with her boyfriend 15 years and she sort of does the same thing. He'll come up in casual conversation (i.e. "back when "Jake" was playing guitar, we'd hang out at that bar all the time" but mainly discusses him when they're fighting.

After talking to my friends, I was ready to totally drop the relationship, told my bf's friend I had one foot out the door, and that any reasonable person would assume they were being dumped in the worse possible way. His response: "But your BF is not a reasonable person and you don't have a normal relationship." Which is kinda true.

Anyway... .don't hand him power.  If his calling... .or not calling has the power to destabilize you... .he is in control (and may not know it)... .not you.  Not a good situation.

Luckily, I think I'm a lot calmer now after getting some response from him, even if it was through in intermediary. However, I'm very worried about how to approach him when/if he does call. I'm almost positive he'll come back swinging and go right back to "you're dumped" (which is how he automatically gets his way). I do think it's a good idea to limit conversations to short intervals for the time being and not to discuss ending the break-up threats at this exact moment. I almost wish I could have someone in the room with me, at the time - he knows he can get away with a lot worse when we're alone than if someone when a third party is around to call him out on bad behavior and bring him back to reality.

However, what would be a good way to respond if he comes right back at me with "we're breaking up"? I don't want to beg and sound pathetic, but I also don't think I want to break-up. I want to try to stay calm in any instance - would parlaying the discussion help? Should I apologize for my role in the argument and see how he responds, then agree to talk another day. I'm a little worried about the object constancy thing, too. When he doesn't see me, I remain the evil villain out to destroy him. I want to do everything possible to get out of that position.

Sorry for the 8 million questions and thanks for all your help!

[formflier]

 

I think you get the basic issue you are facing.

You are letting his action... .or inaction... .dictate your moods and actions.

Is this something you are actively working on... .with your T?

Do I have this right?

FF

[nomoremommyfood]

I think you get the basic issue you are facing.

You are letting his action... .or inaction... .dictate your moods and actions.

Is this something you are actively working on... .with your T?

Do I have this right?

FF

I think that's about right, but I'm not sure how much of it is "letting" him dictate my moods. I want to be able to shrug it off but I'm just not able to do it, so I get obsessed, anxious, and eventually depressed, no matter how much I try to avoid it. This is when we're in fights, only. When we're getting along okay, I can go days or even weeks without thinking about him. When his behavior isn't extreme, I'm usually wrapped up in something else. But I think anyone who was in the position of losing such a long term relationship in such a sudden, brutal way would be a total mess.

I wouldn't say I'm actively working on it with a therapist (I attend weekly), because of the long periods where everything is normal and other issues are taking priority. About every two years, something like this will happen and it destroys me. Lately, it's been more about the agony of being caught between "is this a fight?" or "are we broken up" and just figuring out what to do if and when I get back in contact with him. I think it probably would be valuable to talk about how badly he impacts my mental health in the long run but, right now, the immediacy is prevailing.

I'm giving him until Saturday. I'm still blocked on Facebook but I'm able to see his account and it's such a dig when all his newly added friends are hot girls. A few days ago, he was "too grouchy" to call me - apparently not too grouchy to scope out other women. The worst part - one of them looks exactly like me. I really want to puke.

[nomoremommyfood]

Oh yeah - I'm not sure if this is something to get this worked up about but:

I used to meet with a few friends once a week to exercise together, and we often text. I usually don't drink or eat fast food and someone joked that I'd eaten Chipotle and white wine in the same week. I said I was depressed, she responded, "It's normal to indulge a little when you're going through a breakup".

My stomach hit the floor. I mentioned he was supposed to call me this week, but am now insanely worried that it's completely obvious to outside parties that I've been dumped and I'm so blind I haven't figured that out, yet. Am I just totally oblivious?

This combined with seeing him befriend my Facebook doppelganger - and still not calling... .or even unblocking me - is panic-inducing. If I hadn't promised his friend I'd keep waiting, I'd be calling him, right now.

If I haven't heard from him by Saturday, I'm calling him. And will publicly announce exactly how he dumped me after over 8 years. I know he'll tell everyone how much I chased him and "wouldn't let him go" and, if this is really happening, I'll need to clear my name.

This really sucks. I actually got work done, today. Now, my heart is racing.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi nomoremommyfood,

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I have gone through the uncertain of where my relationship stands. I understand how the uncertain can give you anxiety.   

I used to meet with a few friends once a week to exercise together, and we often text. I usually don't drink or eat fast food and someone joked that I'd eaten Chipotle and white wine in the same week. I said I was depressed, she responded, "It's normal to indulge a little when you're going through a breakup".

Most people who are not in a relationship or never have been in a relationship with a pwBPD just don't understand the ambivalence and how relationships can be. It seems like your friend was trying to be supportive.

My stomach hit the floor. I mentioned he was supposed to call me this week, but am now insanely worried that it's completely obvious to outside parties that I've been dumped and I'm so blind I haven't figured that out, yet. Am I just totally oblivious?

As you mentioned before and even his friend said, your relationship is not normal.  When you are comparing your relationship to a "normal" relationship it is going to add to more anxiety. 

Try not to let your emotions or feelings of panic overwhelm you. You have been with your bf for a very long time and are familiar with his behavior. Correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe he has done this before. Balance the logic and rationality with your emotions and focus on that.

When you are getting racing thoughts or feeling panic, try closing your eyes and take deep breaths in and out. Keep focusing on your breath, inhaling and exhaling. Think of something relaxing or peaceful. Imagine what you see, smell, hear, feel, etc. When you are ready and feeling relaxed open your eyes.

Remember it is not the end of the week yet, there is still time for him to call. Try to keep relaxed and do relaxing things.

[Jaded11]

Dear nomoremommyfood,

all I can say is that I completely understand where you are. I'm at the exact same situation and I don't know how to deal with this.

What I keep asking myself (what my friends do too), is "do I deserve to be going through this"?

Although I know the answer is no, it hurts like hell. For me the splitting part is the worst. I keep wondering, how is it possible he can just throw it all out of the window?  And how can he turn me into this ungrateful, rejecting b___ that doesn't care about him at all, when all I've done is care and be there for him?

I wish you strength... .and courage. What's for sure, you deserve better than this behaviour. We all do. 

[nomoremommyfood]

Most people who are not in a relationship or never have been in a relationship with a pwBPD just don't understand the ambivalence and how relationships can be. It seems like your friend was trying to be supportive.

I know she didn't mean any harm and was trying to console me. That's kind of what's upsetting - that an outside group of friends who've been hearing about this for almost three weeks would understand the situation as my being unceremoniously dumped. I'm worried I'm unable to see something totally obvious to everyone around me, potentially including my bf/x?bf.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe he has done this before. Balance the logic and rationality with your emotions and focus on that.

This is actually one thing that's giving me hope. He's done similar things, before. I can think of two prior instances, though there are probably more: the first time, we'd just started dating. After two months, he abruptly broke up with me, disappeared, then showed up a month later, wanting to get back together. Two years ago (to the date), he very suddenly did an about-face (quite literally; we'd been getting along and, the minute I saw him, his face turned to sudden and complete hatred out of nowhere) when we were supposed to go to a play, together. There was a similar verbal onslaught - actually, that time was worse! - before he cancelled at the last minute for my friend's wedding, then disappeared on a gambling binge for the next 21 days.

The primary difference being that - both those times - I'd reached out to him. When he first dumped me, I wrote him a casual "maybe he can hang out some time" email. The second time, I'd been in contact with him throughout the gambling binge; he just wouldn't physically see me. And, when he came back, I had to convince him not to break up with me. I have no idea what to expect if he makes the first move and am really doubting whether or not it was a good decision.

For me the splitting part is the worst. I keep wondering, how is it possible he can just throw it all out of the window?  And how can he turn me into this ungrateful, rejecting b___ that doesn't care about him at all, when all I've done is care and be there for him?

Yes! I totally agree! The splitting part is so scary - how are you supposed to convince someone you're not totally evil when they won't even look you in the eye? Plus, banking on someone to actually reach out to someone they've essentially marked as Satan and have a reasonable conversation is starting to seem deluded. For lack of a better analogy, if I found out the guy I'd been dating for 8+ years was, say, a sociopath who'd been plotting to murder me, why would I want to take him back?

(Ironically, at this point, I'd probably take back my hypothetical murderous boyfriend in a heartbeat!)

This is part of the reason why waiting on that call is so painful - if he's painted me black, the only reason he'd call would be to hold up his word to a friend. And my bf/x?bf is notoriously unreliable and stubborn - hence, I'm still blocked on Facebook.

If he's only able to see me as demonic, is there any way to reverse that? I don't want to come across as needy but I'm wondering if things would work out better if he could see me in person? Would my physical presence maybe reverse the object constancy that causes him to only see me as pure evil? Oh, and remind him of how eerily I resemble all the hot girls he's gawking at?

Ugh.

[EaglesJuju]

The primary difference being that - both those times - I'd reached out to him. When he first dumped me, I wrote him a casual "maybe he can hang out some time" email. The second time, I'd been in contact with him throughout the gambling binge; he just wouldn't physically see me. And, when he came back, I had to convince him not to break up with me. I have no idea what to expect if he makes the first move and am really doubting whether or not it was a good decision.

He does have a history of behaving this way. Sometimes past behavior does predict behavior.

What was your reason for going NC and not reaching out as you did in the past?

[nomoremommyfood]

What was your reason for going NC and not reaching out as you did in the past?

It was based on advice from these boards - that giving him the upper hand would only reenforce bad behavior. I've also promised his best friend I wouldn't call - also based on my bf/xbf needing to take accountability for his actions. There have been about three instances over the past 20 days where he promised his friend he'd contact me.

He never did.

At this point, I don't know what to think - it's a freakin' eight and a half year relationship and he's willing to totally discard it on a whim. I'm kind of in shock and everything reminds me of him. I'm in an apartment we painted together. His little drawings are all over my bulletin board. I have to collect laundry change from a jar covered in an "I love you" collage. Considering the Facebook block, his constantly adding random hot girls as "friends, and ongoing refusal to make the slightest effort, it seems really obvious that I've been dumped in the worst possible way. No explanation, totally out of the blue, and after a menial fight about something I still can't even identify.

I'm really sorry if I'm monopolizing the conversation. I'm dropping the "wait for him to call" thing tomorrow, though I fully expect him to totally ignore me if i contact him. This is brutal.

[formflier]

I'm dropping the "wait for him to call" thing tomorrow, though I fully expect him to totally ignore me if i contact him. 

Dealing with the behaviors of pwBPD traits is brutal!  You are right on the money with that one... .

I can feel the frustration... .grief... .loss coming through in your posts. 

How would you describe the emotions you are feeling?

 


Why would you do that?  That seems like a big "change of plans"... .curious how you came to this plan/idea.

Do you think you will feel better or worse if you attempt contact and are rebuffed or ignored.?

FF

[Lovingme35]

I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. This is one of my biggest fears as well. Even small breaks away from my SO send me into a state of anxiety and panic.  Wishing you the best today. Hoping for a positive update.

[nomoremommyfood]

I talked to him, yesterday. I called his friend and told him the situation, and got a call from my xbf/bf about four hours later.

It was not what I expected and not good. The long silence was an attempt at "no contact" and he only called as a favor to his friend - whom, despite his assurances of "of course he's not breaking up with you!" knew he wanted to break up with me the whole time. I don't know rather to be furious that his friend lied to me or grateful that he convinced him I deserved to know what was going on. Because "all his friends" told him he just needed to go no contact and never speak to me, again. He's said this before and refuses to tell me the specific friends - I'd go after them with pitchforks because, after over eight years, these are people I know and who've been polite to my face before stabbing me in the back. I couldn't even get in "you're only supposed to use 'no contact' after clarifying a break-up" without him interrupting me.

The conversation lasted three hours and was... .ugh. Though I fully expected it to begin with "I'm breaking up with you" (I assumed this conversation would just bring us to "normal" ground than work on boundaries and validation at another time), I didn't expect him to stick to his guns. At best, he seemed to warm up when I told him why I loved him so much, then - as usual - he'd heat up again and go into attack mode. I tried to maintain my composure and - when things got argumentative - would say "let's take a second to calm down." This seemed to work in keeping the conversation at least vaguely civil.

There was no apology from him. He never owned up to anything. In fact, he was sure to drive in the point that his whole intention in coming over that night was to use me for sex before leaving me. Wow.

My point was based around "We don't have to be together forever, but I don't want to break up right now" He kept repeating "Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to date you?" I kept saying "because you constantly tell me different things and I don't know what to believe... .and you always say I should know you well enough not to take you seriously when you're angry."

The only thing that oddly seemed to help was my telling him I was also re-considering the relationship and, while I wanted to work on myself, I had a list of resentments toward him I needed to see if I could get past. 

Another thing that baffles me - he supposedly loves me (he rarely tells me this) but "It's possible to be deeply and madly in love with someone but not want to date them." His reasons aren't 100% clear. First, it was because I freaked out at him during the fight and he can't be around someone who puts his safety at risk or might cause him to get arrested (?). Then, it turned to "I just moved into a new apartment and it seems like a good time to have a fresh start." Apparently, I stood with him through those months of him living at his parents house and using my apartment as the "punching bag motel" for nothing.

After hours of me trying to call a "truce" and him rejecting it, I finally go "all I'm asking is for a little break." He's suddenly like "Oh, that's okay. We can do that." That's exactly what I meant by "truce", but whatever.

TL:)R - After three weeks of being falsely told he was "licking his wounds" and would apologize any day, we're on a break for the foreseeable future. I don't really know the terms of the break other than we agreed no other people (I added "I won't go out with anyone else if you won't", which I think has a nice "I could, but I won't" ring to it). I asked him to remove the Facebook block and he won't - first, because he doesn't want me writing anything nasty on his wall, then because "I don't know how to remove it." After hanging up dazed, it took twenty minutes before I was suddenly freezing, achy, and sick with a fever.

My apologies for the long, long break-down. I do want to stay with him - I love him more now than when we first met and I can't imagine a life without him and really hope this "break" results in a return to normal. On a practical note, should I post on the "staying" board if I want to stay but he doesn't (or is on the fence)?

Thank you so much for all your help through this abject nightmare of an experience. At least doors of communication are open, again, even though it's not the outcome I ever thought I'd hear.

[formflier]

 

The long silence was an attempt at "no contact" and he only called as a favor to his friend - whom, despite his assurances of "of course he's not breaking up with you!" knew he wanted to break up with me the whole time.

This is where triangles get messy... .

[an0ught]

Dear nomoremommyfood,

 this must hurt badly

I very much doubt that his friends leaned on him for NC out of the blue. They are more likely encouraging him after he signaled that he wanted to break up. They are understandable reluctant to communicate something he should be communicating. He is making decisions but not taking responsibility, probably not the first time.

On a practical note, should I post on the "staying" board if I want to stay but he doesn't (or is on the fence)?

The staying (which knows your back story) should be ok for some time if you feel comfortable here - it all depends on you, some topics on staying may be triggering. Undecided would be the place to go if or when you want feedback on the thought of disengaging from your side as "run" messages are not allowed on the staying board.

It is not an easy situation for you 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi nomoremommyfood,

How are you doing?

I am glad that you got to communicated with your pwBPD. I am sorry that you have been going through this. It is difficult it is to cope with the uncertainty and the behaviors. 

Your pwBPD seems like he is dysregulating and somewhat unstable at the moment. Moving can trigger a pwBPD.

I understand that it was not the outcome that you were expecting, but do you feel that a break may be a positive thing for you?

[nomoremommyfood]

Your pwBPD seems like he is dysregulating and somewhat unstable at the moment. Moving can trigger a pwBPD.

I understand that it was not the outcome that you were expecting, but do you feel that a break may be a positive thing for you?

I know I've been off these board for a while. It's a loong story and I'll start a new thread - things have gone from everyday horrific to cartoonish super-horrific.

I did think a break would be a positive thing, if only to temporarily ease the anxiety without having to deal with him in a vulnerable state. Unfortunately, he now claims the "break" was just to get me off the phone. Really weird, because it didn't seem like that, at the time.

Thank you for mentioning his move! Since he moved, he's been in better spirits (I noticed this when he first found the apartment) and all about going out with friends he hasn't seen in a while and feeling better... .yet has translated his good mood to simply not being around me as opposed to, uh, not living with his parents whom he hates!

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do or if there is anything I can do aside from writing of 8.5 years of sworn commitment to someone through thick and thin, who tossed me to the side when he found a better living situation. I'll explain more in a new thread.

[shatra]

nomoremommy wrote

When we've broken up in the past, very little changes except he gets to use the "I'm not even your boyfriend!" card, plus the freedom to "find someone who deserves him."

-----What are those statements about? If he's "not your boyfriend" in name, is that part of the distancing? Or so he doesn't feel engulfed?  Finding someone who deserves him----why does he say that to you?

Shatra