Adult BPD/Alcoholic Daughter Back Home Again

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am 57 years old and have been trying to help my adult BPD daughter through the many crisis situations in her life since she was grade 6.  She is now 30 and recently got into trouble with the police after getting drunk and destroying property on the farm she shared with her 49 year old paraplegic boyfriend.  After that incident, she ended up back at home with me and her father, not far from the farm.  The rules were no drinking, but she's alcoholic and the rules were soon broken.  Dealing with her when she is drinking is like dealing with her evil twin.  Sober, she's usually caring and aware to some extent of the effect her behavior has on others.  When drinking, she gets enraged, repeats herself endlessly, can pass out in mid-sentence while stumbling across a room and drop like a stone.  She cuts herself, recently tried hanging herself in a suspended plant holder made of rope (my brother hung himself in my mother's garage about 10 years ago), and this week climbed to the peak of the barn roof and threatened to pitch herself headlong off the beam if the police appeared.

She attacked my husband a month or so ago, and was arrested.  The police (who love her when she's sober, and realize she needs help not punishment) were forced to taser her twice.  She was so numbed by alcohol that the first stun had no effect. 

We posted surety to get her out of jail, and first thing she did was get drunk.  I called police and she ended up being formed and in the local mental health and addictions hospital.  First time I visited her there, she was drunk on alcohol-based hand sanitizer, which is conveniently available all the way down every hallway in the hospital.  They discharged her after the second or third incident of this.  She begged for assessment, tried to tell them there was something wrong with her and she wanted to find out what it was so she could deal with it.  No dice.  They cut her loose and she stayed in a shelter for a few days.  Begged, pleaded, promised me she would stay sober and I took her home yet again.

Right after this, my father-in-law was hospitalized and diagnosed alternately with three different things, including pancreatic cancer, which was then discarded in favor of internal bleeding from a previous operation.  Then we were told he was dying from loss of blood and we called in all the family to fly home before he died.  Then he was offered a possible life-saving operation, very serious, and we went for it.  That night, we were in the hospital and my daughter thought we were gone for the night and left to go the local bar.  She returned drunk.  My husband, facing the death of his dad, to whom he was very close, had to deal with her on top of it all.  She was also drunk at her grandfather's funeral, although she managed to hold it together long enough to say a speech, albeit with a lot of repeating, it was pretty good.

I about lost it last night.  Usually I can calm her down and I put up with a lot of crap trying to avoid pushing her buttons and get her calmed down.  But last night, the second night of her downing a 26oz bottle of booze, I just got hysterical and began yelling and screaming at her.  This morning, when I woke up, she was gone.  She called, said she didn't want to cause me any more pain, but she was in town, just when the liqour stores open.  I went alone to the appointment she had with a very caring psychologist she's been seeing off and on since grade six.  Last week they had a very positive session about BDT and she got herself on the waiting list for DBT therapy (about a year away... .!).  But WOW I don't think I can keep her home and if she's goes to a shelter she'll be drunk and on the street and living like a bag lady before long.

I'm losing my mind and I don't know what else to do. 

[Kimkia]

I am 57 years old and have been trying to help my adult BPD daughter through the many crisis situations in her life since she was grade 6.  She is now 30 and recently got into trouble with the police after getting drunk and destroying property on the farm she shared with her 49 year old paraplegic boyfriend.  After that incident, she ended up back at home with me and her father, not far from the farm.  The rules were no drinking, but she's alcoholic and the rules were soon broken.  Dealing with her when she is drinking is like dealing with her evil twin.  Sober, she's usually caring and aware to some extent of the effect her behavior has on others.  When drinking, she gets enraged, repeats herself endlessly, can pass out in mid-sentence while stumbling across a room and drop like a stone.  She cuts herself, recently tried hanging herself in a suspended plant holder made of rope (my brother hung himself in my mother's garage about 10 years ago), and this week climbed to the peak of the barn roof and threatened to pitch herself headlong off the beam if the police appeared.

She attacked my husband a month or so ago, and was arrested.  The police (who love her when she's sober, and realize she needs help not punishment) were forced to taser her twice.  She was so numbed by alcohol that the first stun had no effect. 

We posted surety to get her out of jail, and first thing she did was get drunk.  I called police and she ended up being formed and in the local mental health and addictions hospital.  First time I visited her there, she was drunk on alcohol-based hand sanitizer, which is conveniently available all the way down every hallway in the hospital.  They discharged her after the second or third incident of this.  She begged for assessment, tried to tell them there was something wrong with her and she wanted to find out what it was so she could deal with it.  No dice.  They cut her loose and she stayed in a shelter for a few days.  Begged, pleaded, promised me she would stay sober and I took her home yet again.

Right after this, my father-in-law was hospitalized and diagnosed alternately with three different things, including pancreatic cancer, which was then discarded in favor of internal bleeding from a previous operation.  Then we were told he was dying from loss of blood and we called in all the family to fly home before he died.  Then he was offered a possible life-saving operation, very serious, and we went for it.  That night, we were in the hospital and my daughter thought we were gone for the night and left to go the local bar.  She returned drunk.  My husband, facing the death of his dad, to whom he was very close, had to deal with her on top of it all.  She was also drunk at her grandfather's funeral, although she managed to hold it together long enough to say a speech, albeit with a lot of repeating, it was pretty good.

I about lost it last night.  Usually I can calm her down and I put up with a lot of crap trying to avoid pushing her buttons and get her calmed down.  But last night, the second night of her downing a 26oz bottle of booze, I just got hysterical and began yelling and screaming at her.  This morning, when I woke up, she was gone.  She called, said she didn't want to cause me any more pain, but she was in town, just when the liqour stores open.  I went alone to the appointment she had with a very caring psychologist she's been seeing off and on since grade six.  Last week they had a very positive session about BDT and she got herself on the waiting list for DBT therapy (about a year away... .!).  But WOW I don't think I can keep her home and if she's goes to a shelter she'll be drunk and on the street and living like a bag lady before long.

I'm losing my mind and I don't know what else to do. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello kimkia,

I'm glad that you are here sharing your story with us.  I'm also sorry that you are having to live through this with your daughter. 

We all want to protect our children and finding a way to do that without enabling is difficult especially when they have a severe addiction and are engaging in suicidal gestures.  It feels like damned if you do and damned if you don't.  Our fears about what can happen keep us on this see saw ride and merry go round and no ground is gained.

It's good that your daughter is wanting help and a testimony to the power of her addiction that she cannot help herself.  Her addiction is stronger than all of you put together and she needs long term in patient rehab.  A dual diagnoses program would be best no?  Is this a possibility for her?  How can you help facilitate this? 

When our kids become adults we lose most of the power we have to make decisions like this for them and that adds to our frustrations and fears. We have to take care of ourselves before we can be there to support others and help them.  I hope this info will be the beginning of a clearer path forward for you and your family.

Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

lbjnltx

[Kimkia]

Thanks for the reply.  There's  a possibility of a one month residential  rehab coming up in June and my daughter is on the  waiting list.  This is for alcohol addiction and some help with underlying issues.  But you have to be sober for at least 2 or 3 weeks prior to get in. Which seems like an oxymoron  to me. 

She went to AA meeting tonight, first time in a  few years, and has been sober for 2 days.  One day at a time, I guess.

she's  on the waiting  list for DBT but that could  be a year away.

[lbjnltx]

There's  a possibility of a one month residential  rehab coming up in June and my daughter is on the  waiting list.  This is for alcohol addiction and some help with underlying issues.  But you have to be sober for at least 2 or 3 weeks prior to get in. Which seems like an oxymoron  to me.

Uhmmm... .this must surely be for a specific group of people who need follow up care to remain sober? 

 

She went to AA meeting tonight, first time in a  few years, and has been sober for 2 days.  One day at a time, I guess.

This is good news.

she's  on the waiting  list for DBT but that could  be a year away.

There is a high demand and low supply for DBT.  Will insurance cover 3 months addiction in patient treatment?

lbj