Contact? Not sure

[Beach_Babe]

Last night I got a  Skype request from an unfamiliar screen name. My ex was the only person who knew of this  account.  They asked to be added as a contact and also left a message  "hey are you online?" I accepted the request and asked who it was.  No answer. Finally I said  "you know the number if you want to talk." No response. Now my mind is spinning "was it him"or just some random person? Maybe I got my hopes up for nothing. I just want closure so badly. Im pathetic.

[dobie]

Your NOT pathetic !

It may be a random it may be him testing if his NARC supply is still intact the question is if its him are you ready to jump back into the fire beech ?

He is poison my friend , closure from a NARC is never closure

Take care of you beech 

[peacefulmind]

Last night I got a  Skype request from an unfamiliar screen name. My ex was the only person who knew of this  account.  They asked to be added as a contact and also left a message  "hey are you online?" I accepted the request and asked who it was.  No answer. Finally I said  "you know the number if you want to talk." No response. Now my mind is spinning "was it him"or just some random person? Maybe I got my hopes up for nothing. I just want closure so badly. Im pathetic.

I don't think you should put too much into this BB. I get random requests on skype all the time with weird names, weird profile pictures and so on. Skype is notorious for allowing these creative auto-adders get through and add random people on skype, just to send you links or other stuff for you to click on.

There's nothing pathetic about it. I have installed a "See who deletes you on FB" kind of app to my browser. My heart skips everytime it lights up, even if  I was the one who deleted my ex-BPD. Talk about being tagged... .

[Beach_Babe]

I miss him so much it hurts. I guess it was just wishful thinking.

I probably have been forgotten. A 14 year blip on his radar, and a bad memory. God, the pain.

[peacefulmind]

I miss him so much it hurts. I guess it was just wishful thinking.

I probably have been forgotten. A 14 year blip on his radar, and a bad memory. God, the pain.

I'm sorry you're going through this BB. I can completely relate to your feelings and sometimes I hope I would hear from my ex. But honestly, after what you have been through, he does not deserve your longing or your pain. I understand that this brings no comfort for you in your current position, but you're aware of what is at play here, and that closure is not a possibility, at least not at this point in time.

Work on your own life and find things that you enjoy. It is easy to say, much harder to practice, I know since I'm currently in the same position with something that I had close at heart before but have zero interest now. But the ultimate defeat for us would be to allow the pain to take over our lives and lead us into "zombie death mode" (I think someone on these boards described it as this), where we live but we don't really live.

With time, things will get better, and you being a blip on the radar for a mentally disordered person will turn into you being a full fleet of aircrafts on a new person's radar. That's at least what I look forward to and will work towards. The wish of love someone again, in a healthy and giving way. That's what keeps me going, the thought of being myself again and find the strength to pull through this and end up a stronger and wiser person.

We are with you BB, stay strong!

[DyingLove]

Yes, Beach_babe, we're here for ya  ;-) 

[Olivia_D]

Beach, Hang in there!  I have a "mystery" visitor on my LinkedIn page which states that the LinkedIn member chose to conceal their identity.  These mystery visits only started after I deleted him as a connection on LinkedIn.  Could be coincidental but there are a lot of coincidences lately.  Hmmm.  Anonymous contact to get the narcissistic supply without bruising the ego to avoid being on the receiving end of heck no.  Let's him remain the one with the "last word."  Who knows what goes on in that gerbil wheel.  Try to shake it off and stay strong!

[Beach_Babe]

Why do I now feel so STUCK? I miss him terribly, but know I can never make contact. He's gone. I accept that but when does ache go away?

[UserName69]

Just ignore him, he's playing games with you. Once when I broke up with my BPDex (yes we broke up a lot but this time it's permanently), I used to get anonymous phone calls in the early morning. I just put my phone on silent mode whenever I went to sleep. I knew she was phoning me, later when we were back together I told her I know you have been calling me anonymously. She looked away and said quickly that she never calls anonymously.  Yeah right.

I think you're feeling a lot of pain because you still think too much about him. You need to accept that it's over, and believe me you really can't have a healthy relationship with a BPD partner. Once you keep your self busy it will be much easier to get over your broken heart. One day you're going to say thank God that relationship is over.

[lipstick]

Why do I now feel so STUCK? I miss him terribly, but know I can never make contact. He's gone. I accept that but when does ache go away?

Hi Beach Babe,

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this pain & longing. I understand, believe me. This is totally cliche, but it's the truth - time will heal your pain. I'm sure you don't believe that right now as it's still fresh and raw - but it will. It was an incredibly slow process for me. I'm 2.5 years out of my relationship and have just recently started being interested in life again.

Let me just say - I highly doubt that you've been forgotten. I haven't read your story (sorry!), but you were in a long-term relationship, yes? Like the rest of us - you were dumped for no good reason? And have been trying to figure out why ever since? With zero closure? Sucks.

I believed as you did - that my ex had wiped me from his memory. That I was simply forgotten. Erased. I think that hurt more than anything else. But through his actions over the past two years - I now know otherwise. Do I want to be back in that train wreck? No. But adult communication would be nice.

My ex keeps tabs on me via Facebook. Thru an alternate account of some sort. He attempted to "Friend" me in December of 2013 after over a year of the Silent Treatment (after being dumped by him). I didn't immediately accept the request (was waiting for communication from him) and so he blocked me from his regular FB account / page. I then sent a message to him via an alternate account that he had at that time. The message was ignored for about a week. Then he deactivated that account. A slap in the face for me, of course. Punishment.

So I assumed he hated me at that point and I tried to get on with things. Steady improvement month after month. Still hurt - but able to put the pain away and function. Fast-forward to the end of February / beginning of March of this year. My ex had begun watching my Facebook videos. I'm assuming thru another alternate account as I'm still blocked. I suspected that it was him. Had it confirmed by a mutual friend who caught him in the act. The viewings continue to this day. I guess it is his way of keeping a "connection" to me with no rejection involved. He's probably terrified of contacting me now. After all the things he's done to hurt me.

My point in all this? To show you that you are most likely NOT forgotten. So many of our exes keep tabs on us via social media, mutual acquaintances, etc... . I just think that they cannot bring themselves to reach out due to immense shame, fear of rejection, etc... . My ex knows damn well what he did to me. And isn't it sad that while he is living one life (that he claims is just awesome!), he still wants to hear my voice / listen to my laughter on a daily basis.

So please hang in there. Things will get better. It hurts like mad right now. But you will heal. Your ex won't. You can't push away / suppress emotions forever. Eventually they come back to bite you in the arse. It will happen to him. Hopefully, by then you won't care !    

[going places]

Why do I now feel so STUCK? I miss him terribly, but know I can never make contact. He's gone. I accept that but when does ache go away?

When we take our eyes off of them, and put them on ourselves.

When our focus is off of them, and on ourselves.

When we sift thru the ashes of 'why did this happen' to find 'why did we choose this person' to 'how can I settle my past, so that I can secure a healthy future'.

It's one step at a time.

I purged everything that was 'his' from my eyesight.

Everything that was in the house, car, etc. to texts, emails, cards, letters.

GONE.

I replaced all of those visual things with books.

When the urge to ruminate, play the 'what if' game, play the 'why is this happening' game I would pick up a book (either Scripture, or a book that explained what was happening to me and why, and HOW to get through it, but Scripture was my go to book) and start reading.

Replacing all of the bad thoughts, sad thoughts, with True, Good, Right, Healthy words.

When I became a little stronger, I began to look at things logically, rationally.

And I would speak truth, out loud.

An example would be "He said ______ when he bought me those earrings, but it was a lie, it was all lies so that he could get closer too and spend more time with his mistress. He manipulated me, and that makes him responsible. There is nothing I could have done to make this marriage work because he had his mind made up he DIDN'T want it to work. His actions spoke truth. His words were vicious lies."

ONCE I took off my 'rose colored glasses' and saw things for what they really were... .

I moved into the anger portion.

I was stuck there a long time... .

When it started to 'change' me, is when I said "enough"... .I need to forgive... .

And I am in that process now.

But there is no more crying, no more 'why did this happen', no more 'missing him', no more ' what am I going to do'... .In my opinion? I have 40+ years of life experience behind me, and when he left, I was giving a pallet of colors, a brush, and an empty canvas to paint the rest of my story... .and today? I see that as a gift, a blessing, and Hope!

There is life on the other side, sometimes you feel like you are swimming against a title wave... .but just keep swimming!

[Beach_Babe]

I cant tell you all how much I appreciate your kind replies.

I was doing so well, I don't know what happened.

I cry a lot, and sometimes go days without sleep now

I havent had any contact in 7 weeks, shouldnt I be getting better not worse?

I feel like like im drowning

[going places]

It's like kicking a heroin addiction... .

It takes time to get it out of your system, then you have to train the body 'not to crave' it, then you have to 'replace' it with something good.

Then when something bad happens (you get triggered, you see him, etc)... .you cannot go back to the heroin, you have to have a plan B... .mastered coping skills, etc.

The only way to kick this habit it make it your daily mission, to kick the habit.

[Beach_Babe]

Do you think hes gone for good? I just dont want to accept he may in fact be a narc. At least BPDs have a conscience however fleeting

[going places]

Start reading.

I read Psychology and Abnormal Psychology text books.

I read everything I could get my hands on about N, ASPD, BPD, and every other disorder out there.

Bi Polar, Schizo, depression, manic, MPD... .

Initially it was for me, as he told me *I* was crazy... .

I finally went to a Woman's Outreach in my community, where I spent time one on one with an advocate, and in group... .and man oh man were my eyes opened.

Knowledge is power.

I prayed (and still do) a lot.

I remember days I coudn't even form words to pray, I just laid there and told God "I have not words, help me".

Pointing me to the Woman's Outreach was His Gift to me!

[Beach_Babe]

Thank you for your kind words. =)

I ask god every night  for peace.

I feel like im in a nightmare.

[going places]

You are in a nightmare... .but all nightmares come to an end.

7 weeks is not a long time... .you're just getting started... .and that's good.

Everyone has to start somewhere.

Think of it like this.

You have a 'spare room' that you use as a storage area.

You have been tossing stuff in that room for 14 years.

Then one day, you decide you want to sell the house and move.

You have to clean the house, so the agent can show it to people who are looking to buy a home.

The whole house is clean, and all you have left, is this room.

You have to 'make a mess' to clean a mess.

Pulling out boxes, going thru the boxes, deciding if you want to keep it, give it away, sell it on ebay, or if it's trash and you have no idea WHY you saved it... .

Needless to say, this process kicks up dust, allergens.

You have boxes everywhere.

You have to load your car full of stuff to 'take it away and get rid of it'... .

It takes time.

It takes effort.

It takes focus on the beauty this room will be when you are done with this messy task.

But it's worth it.

You, are worth it.

[Beach_Babe]

Such a lovely analogy, thank you!  ♡