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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Learning new ways to communicate with adult daughter  (Read 445 times)
Mackenzie

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« on: May 26, 2015, 06:03:38 AM »

I have struggled for many years in my attempt to parent a now 30 year old daughter.

After joining this group very recently, I realize that I have to change my expectations, my way of talking with her, and my own thinking process to survive this ongoing challenge.

I cannot tell you how many times I have felt I have failed as a mother. I have felt angry, heartbroken, filled with despair. Sleepless nights, troubled days.

Just last night, I tried, unsuccessfully, to have a conversation with her about my feelings. Big mistake! Now I realize I can't do that. She doesn't empathize. I don't think she can.

She is visiting very soon for a week. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. My youngest child is having a birthday, which she used as a reason to come here . Her fiancé called the wedding off in April, and this is the second broken engagement. I paid for the plane ticket, because she pleaded poverty. Now, I'm worried she is going to arrive , and make it all about her. She drinks too much , started smoking again, and can be argumentative when she has had too many glasses of wine.

I could use some advice on how to deal with her , and not let her ruin my sons birthday. Thanks! :'(
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
lbjnltx
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« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2015, 07:04:39 AM »

Hello again Mackenzie,

Be patient with self as you learn about the disorder and how/if to respond to your daughter.  None of this is intuitive and it takes time, commitment, and practice while practicing self care to get it all.

Your daughter, as is the case with most pwBPD (people with BPD) will feel like she is not important when attention is directed away from her.  My best advice is to attempt to include her and ask for her input as much as possible.  If she feels like she has a hand in the celebration planning and implementation she will be invested in a good outcome while benefitting from doing something for someone else.  Win win.  There is no guarantee that she will accept the invitation and all we can ever do is our best.

We can provide opportunities and cannot orchestrate the outcome.

lbj
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thefixermom
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« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2015, 03:14:44 PM »

Something changed with me recently in how I relate to my D38.  I had already found that detaching from her accusations and opinions helped me but it wasn't helping her very much.  In fact, it annoyed her a great deal because she felt I had turned stone cold once she wasn't able to see the hurt on my face, or make me cry or become angry.  She felt alone in her drama, which she was, so that was good... .but it didn't bring us closer.   I decided to do everything I could to loosen the stigma I have been carrying of her... .you know the one... .where you anticipate and prejudge how they will be, because they become so predictable in their reactions.  I gave her more audience, smiled at her more, asked her questions about things I knew she was obsessing over.  It takes up more of my time than I want it to, but she started not feeling like I was going to abandon the conversation. I felt a new branch of love growing inside of me for her and it was sincere and real.  She must have sensed it, too, because she has warmed up to me.  She is still at odds with my husband because he is befuddled by all the BPD stuff and just wants to be straight forward in his expectations and disappointments.  But I even noticed that with my softening, she is quicker to forgive him and get back to smiling at both of us.  I'm starting to entertain the possibility that this time when she moves away she won't go NC.   I recognize how the smallest of constructive criticisms leave her feel like I'm shaming her, so I just plain quit for awhile.  If something is very important such as a reminder to not leave the oven broiler unattended (she has done so twice and we were so fortunate to find it before a fire started0... .then I find a way to tell her that is not akin to a reprimand.  In this case, she came up with a solution on  her own: "I just won't use the broiler any more as I can't be trusted to remember."   So given my recent optimism the advice I would say is to tear down your defenses, or at least do your best to act as if you have, and do as lbjnitx sas, "attempt to include her and ask for her input as much as possible." And when she gives it, show that it is valued and share with others what a great idea she had (if it was).  If she's on to you and wants to remove herself from participating, just act natural and tell her if she comes up with something you'd love to hear it.  Do not take anything she does personal,  and stay even tempered and neutral in a way that gives off a good vibe.  Even if she doesn't respond right away, my guess is it will still impact her and you will see a change at some point. if she criticizes you, just say, "Thanks for pointing that out, I'm working on getting better."  That one went a long way toward helping my daughter.   The drinking and smoking are problematic.  But don't own them or shame her for them. Our vices are a struggle and we are all ashamed of them.  I hope you have a wonderful birthday party for your son.  It will bring joy to him to see sis not able to rile you, too.
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madmom
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Relationship status: Married over 30 years
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« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2015, 07:00:08 PM »

I know that saying to my daughter, hey I know I have done many things wrong and I am working on myself to make things better for our relationship.  I love you and want to work to show you how much I care.  I will still make many mistakes I am sure, but if you see me acting a little differently or talking a little differently to you, it is because I am trying some new ways of communicating.  I was lucky, my daughter's immediate reaction was, mom I have made many mistakes also, and I really want to have a better relationship also.  This opened up an opportunity to talk with each other and work together in ways we never had before.  I don't know if this would help you, but I can tell you honestly, the thing that has helped me the most with my child is to work on myself, how to use SET, validation, set reasonable boundaries that are communicated calmly.  Best wishes, I think the idea of trying to include your daughter in the planning might be a good one too.
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Mackenzie

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2015, 09:10:57 PM »

I am so grateful to your replies. This is an eye opening experience for me. I just texted my daughter , asking for her input for her brothers birthday party. What a great suggestion, thank you so much!

Whew, just when it seems impossible, I find all this . I'm going to keep reading and learning.

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thefixermom
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« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2015, 01:31:04 PM »

I'm so happy to hear of the good responses from your daughter!  Hooray!  She sounds like she really wants to do better and the fact that she acknowledges her own actions is monumental to me.  My D38 will take NO responsibility for how she has treated me.  To her, it is all justified, as are the mistakes she makes... .she says, "If you had been a better mother then I would make better choices."  She agrees to most of the house rules, which are very basic, and then proceeds to do as she wishes. Any correction, no matter how gentle, is met with, "Stop harassing me!" or "You are so happy to find things to criticize me for!"   Still, I count my blessings, and how much better it is... .LOTS better... .than it was in the past.  But having her live with us always costs us money, time and energy. Strains our marriage, too.
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madmom
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Relationship status: Married over 30 years
Posts: 182



« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2015, 03:00:09 PM »

Believe me, this didn't just happen overnight.  It was more than ten years of torture for our family.  Name it, and she did it over those ten years and then some.  It was only after I found this site, started using what I learned and most of all starting working on myself and how I responded and dealt with my feelings of anger, embarrassment, frustration etc. When  my husband and I worked very hard together to communicate and set boundaries that we could live with and would enforce  things got way better.  I also think she was finally ready to change, and once she had some success in reaching some goals, finding new friends, new church, new activities things made a big change for her and for us.  I can honestly tell you that finding this site helped me so much and I am truly grateful for all those who responded with words of wisdom and advise.  It was such a relief finding that I wasn't alone---no one I know had a child like mine around here, that alone was an answer to my prayers.  Good luck, keep fighting the good fight!  I hope all goes well for you.
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thefixermom
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« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2015, 07:17:50 PM »

I very much agree with you madmom!  My relationship with D, while far from ideal, is significantly better than it was since I've become educated and started practicing what I've learned here and in books.  I wish I could get my DH (her stepdad) to understand better.  He is living in the land of frustration because he wants to maintain old school parenting ala tough love.  It is not working for him and it's making things a lot harder on all of us as I stand my ground to stay with what is working for me while he calls me an enabler for picking and choosing my battles. He and I have had some big fights about her when she wasn't around. She comes home and we are all calm again and she has no idea how I stood up for her. I see his point and do my best to support him, too, but I won't go back to the horrendous rages and upsets we had with her when I tried parenting his way.  So for now, till he learns to accept, detach and validate, he is not enjoying the relationship with her that he could have.
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madmom
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married over 30 years
Posts: 182



« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2015, 07:48:24 PM »

Has he watched the video that is on here about what it is like to have BPD?  My husband watched it after I did and he was much more willing to try to understand, then he and I did a few of the lessons, such as don't react respond with SET and setting boundaries.  It made a world of difference.  I even use SET and validation with my DH and have had better results when I used it when discussing our daughter with him.  I hope things get better for you and your husband, it is hard to battle the spouse and your child, so much stress----take care of yourself first.  Best wishes for calm waters ahead!
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thefixermom
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« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2015, 11:38:21 AM »

Thank you for your best wishes   Yes, he has watched the video but perhaps I should play it again. I like how you did the practices.  We have not done that.  But I will now!
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Mackenzie

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2015, 09:05:24 AM »

I am amazed ! My daughter actually came up with a great theme for our family party, and I am going to use it! Also am reading the book, You don't always have to have the answer.

I have been so conflicted about her visit. There is hope . Any more suggestions for my communicating skills? I so want to have a positive visit . One of my worries is the drinking. Last November, I decided to make it no drinking November for myself. I felt I was abusing alcohol, by drinking up to 3 glasses of wine every night. It affected my life very negatively- sleeping, energy, depression. It was very scary at first. What would I do without my stress reliever? Made it through November with a few glasses snuck in,and then decided to keep it going . D comes for Christmas, and of course , equates holidays with lots of drinking. Talked to her about my not drinking , but I think it basically fell on deaf ears. I deliberately did not have wine in the house. She asked me to stop at wine shop when we were out, and came out with 2 bottles. Which, I ,like a jerk, drank with her. Felt crummy the next day.

It is now May, and I have basically stopped drinking altogether. Feel 100% better. I'm fearful to impose my restrictions on D, but I don't want to make waves.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
lbjnltx
Retired Staff
*
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
Posts: 7757


we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2015, 09:15:15 AM »

Good for you Mackenzie!

Your house, your rules.

Have you considered asking your daughter to help you and support your sobriety by respecting your boundary and not bring alcohol into the house when she visits? Positives:

modeling healthy choices

allowing her the opportunity to help others

setting boundaries for self

modeling boundaries regarding self care


She could balk and begin to blame you and say you are weak... .don't we all have weaknesses that others help  us through by being supportive, holding us accountable, and still loving us?  If that happens own it and ask her to support your decision and respect this boundary.

What do you think about this?
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Mackenzie

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 7


« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2015, 11:47:54 AM »

Thank you ! I just read the quote, and wrote it down-Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as a victim.

Now , this is truly eye opening. I wonder if that is what I am doing . I don't know if this strikes a chord with other posters, but when I write my thoughts here, I am a little bit afraid that , 1. , I am being very disloyal to my D. 2. What if she were to read this? 3. Am I being too tough on her?

Ugh, it is so upsetting. But, after all these years, seeing all kinds of therapists, and psychiatrists, I have actually gotten some real life answers to what is going on in my life , and my D's life. Why is this?

I realize I am a but afraid of my D. Not physically, just emotionally. What is that all about?

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