It just seems like
both sides are defensive here. I get it.
Sometimes it helps to have appropriate expectations of the disordered soul in our life... .and learn to work with what is in front of us. We are the ones responsible for stopping the cycle of conflict.
It also helps in these situations to accept that we have to be the adults at all times (for the sake of the situation and the children)... .and I've found that expecting the person suffering with BPD to act like an adult is a fruitless endeavor.
Just a couple of observations and suggestions:
- On Saturday DH gets a message from uBPDbm that SD10 wanted to get something from the store so SD10 was going to call DH and ask. DH didn't see the missed call and messages until a few hours later. He replied that it was not appropriate to put SD10 in the middle like that, and that if uBPDbm couldn't afford to buy something then she should say no instead of putting DH in the position of having to be the bad guy that says no. uBPDbm's reply was that SD10 now refuses to call him and she would rather do without than talk to him. We still have no idea what it even was that she wanted to buy. I'm guessing uBPDbm told SD10 that DH refused to buy it because he was mean.
This is what started the ball rolling from where I'm standing. Her defenses are up. The lashing out begins. The power struggle is in high effect.
You're right, it's not appropriate to put children in the middle. It's also not out of the ordinary for one parent to tell the kiddo to ask the other parent if they want to contribute/chip in/if it's OK. My husband and I do it with our older children (his daughters/my sons). Both parents can explain however they wish as to the whys or why nots. I've found that rational explanations tend to rise to the top.
If my son called me and asked about something he wanted at a store? My response would probably be along the lines of,
"Let me think about it and we can talk about it when you get home." or
"Let me think about it and I'll talk to your dad about it." Setting these kinds of boundaries can take 10-15 times before it becomes practice. What's your boundary in this? You'll never pay for something on mom's time? Daughter should never call you on mom's time to discuss buying something?
Could your husband have jumped the gun a little bit? He reacted before even knowing what he was responding to - he, in a way, lashed out at mom. (Definitely more subtle than a pwBPD tends to). He doesn't even know what the item was? Why didn't he call daughter first?
- Saturday night uBPDbm sends a message that SD10 is allergic to our dog and that we have been neglecting her health by not getting her tested for allergies and living in a filthy house. SD10 hadn't been around the dog in five days at that point, DH replied and pointed out that she never displays signs of an allergy when actually around the dog and that a bunch of parents at SD10's school have reported lately that their kids were coming home sick so she probably has a cold. So uBPDbm is trying to make SD10 have negative feelings towards the dog and associate our house with making her sick. Ugh.
Again, it just seems the defenses are in full force.
My husband tends to cross out the white noise, and just address the situation (with grace). I've found that the girls mama will throw out this kind of stuff ---- if only to get a reaction. Again, you have to rise above it. Stop the cycle. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Respond not React.
Saturday night uBPDbm sends a message that SD10 is allergic to our dog and that we have been neglecting her health by not getting her tested for allergies and living in a filthy house.
becomes
Saturday night uBPDbm sends a message that SD10 is allergic to our dog and that we have been neglecting her health by not getting her tested for allergies and living in a filthy house.
My husband only responds to the valid (allergies). He only validates the valid (her concern about sickness). The rest is just white noise.
":)ear Ex,
I haven't noticed allergies, we'll certainly talk to the family doctor if you think this is an issue. Hopefully it's just a cold, there has been a lot of absences at her school because of it.
--Dad"- DH didn't get his court ordered nightly phone calls at all this weekend. He hasn't even spoken to SD10 since Thursday I think. uBPDbm claims SD10 doesn't want to call and she can't make her. DH asks "Who is the parent over there?". uBPDbm keeps SD10 from calling so DH doesn't have an opportunity to undo all her hard work.
I don't think this is the reason. A pwBPD tends to not be this calculating in their methods. She's mad at Dad and this is how she's getting her point across. It's quid pro quo at this point.
You do this to me, well I'll do this to you... . She's become aware at some point that the only way to hurt dad is through this kind of behavior. She just doesn't have the maturity level to know/understand/care how harmful it is to drag her daughter into the middle.
It's important that rules are followed.
So this definitely needs to be addressed. She's telling you her values and there is a court order in place. For me, I might use S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth - more information click
here) in my communication and if it doesn't yield results --- definitely bring it up with your lawyer.
Mom,
I understand daughter is mad at me (Support statement). I remember not wanting to speak to my parents either when I was mad at them as a kiddo (Empathy statement).
We're also expected to follow the court order when it comes to telephone calls that says that she call the other parent on the other parents time. I'll allow her a 24 hour cooling off period, but I do expect to hear from her on Sunday. I'd expect the same of her when it comes to her court ordered phone call to you. (Truth Statements)
--Dad- uBPDbm sends a message that she won tickets to a concert in four months and wants to take SD10. It falls on a Sunday night (school night) on our weekend and the concert is over an hour away, so we tell uBPDbm that she should consider taking someone else because it would be too late for SD10. She replies with a string of name calling and rage. I'm sure she told SD10 that DH was being mean and won't let her go.
I just have to add that I am always amazed at how she would ask a favor after all that happened. It's what reminds me that this mental illness is real.
In this situation, I'd respond with a
"Let me think about it and we'll talk soon." Maybe she was picking a fight. Maybe it wasn't about your husband at all. Maybe she just wants to take her daughter to a concert.
As a mom, I would have a hard time if you "dictated" to me that my parenting choice wasn't in line with his. She obviously thinks it's OK that her daughter stay out late on a school night. I happen to agree with you, school is a #1 priority -- and I still let my kiddo go with his dad once a year to see his favorite band (which I also happen to HATE). I can keep my parenting value (school is #1) respected and still allow him to go. His grades have to be stellar. His homework has to be complete. He has to go to school the next day, no matter how tired. And he better be nice to his mama.
Is the concert a favorite group of SD?
Is this a hard line for you?
It all makes me anxious, because summer break starts next week and it sounds like uBPDbm is gearing up for a summer of chaos. Our temp order is kind of vague about exactly what the summer timesharing should be. We sent her the summer schedule in April but she never said she agreed.
Thunderstruck, dealing with a pwBPD can feel like a tightrope walk sometimes.
I have to admit that after all this time (11 years), I still get the knot in my stomach. It's 10,000 times better, don't get me wrong, but still when I know that there will be a disagreement --- it tightens right up. Unfortunately, when dealing with someone who struggles with emotional regulation, easily triggers, and who tends to be a little bit on the selfish side -- it's part of the deal.
I just think when we accept them in all their glory is the moment when we affect change. My stepkids' mama actually feels more comfortable in chaos. It's hard to grasp, I know, but it's a coping skill to create drama in order to feel
better. It's more comfortable for her to be at odds.
My husband took away the flame (for the most part). We're really boring to her (most of the time). There is no reaction. There is no arguing. There is no game playing. There is no payoff.
So she finds somewhere else to get all of that.
