New here and recently divorced

[betteroffalone]

Hi All

A quick summary. We were married for 22 years. S19, D17, S9. Couldn't go through the ups and downs anymore. 2014 found him digging himself deeper and deeper into depression and poor choices. I finally said enough in November, he moved 2,000 miles to Vegas at the end of January, and we had a dissolution by March. He didn't dispute anything. Leaving all responsibility behind him was more important according to my T who also worked with ex for a short time. Although we are generally amicable unless he is upset, he is not contacting the kids, particularly S9. 

S19 had no relationship with him before. His senior year, Ex took him on a college visit trip, went to a tennis match or two, and attended graduation. No concerts, awards nights, soccer matches, etc... .

D17 has a surface relationship because he can buy her things whereas  S19 doesn't care about things. I, unfortunately,  placed her in a semi-parent role trying to justify his behaviors before he left. At this point, she is in the "whatever" mode. She will see him this summer because Vegas is where her dance nationals are.

It's S9 that is the focus of this post. He had the "closest" relationship because he liked more things ex likes. He only does things with the boys that he likes. I always said that they had the best relationship because it was a child-to-child relationship. He didn't parent him. In fact, when setting boundaries caused an issue, ex would tell us both to stop arguing, undermining all my authority. S9 knew it. Although we are making progress, he shows signs of oppositional defiant disorder, struggles with extreme cases of instant gratification, and gets "that look" that ex used when he was about to blow. T won't schedule another oappointment with him until the whole family comes in with him because whenver he touches on important topics, S9 says nothing is wrong and he doesn't need to talk.

Meanwhile, S9 and ex have played a online chess a couple times and skyped a few times, but there is no real conversation. S9's T wants him to try to have more conversation, but now they haven't spoken in a month. S9 has phone, text, and skype access anytime. Ex doesn't call. I sent a picture of a him at soccer tournament the last weekend in April. I think he tried to remind all of them about Mothers' Day. S9 doesn't ask, and I don't want to be the go between. But I am really starting to become concerned. I have read articles about parents who leave and can't deal with the guilt. He has no family where he is.

We are very fortunate to have had a drama-free divorce, and parenting with him far away is generally better than co-parenting, but I just don't know how to approach things with S9.  My brother predicted there would be less and less contact. I guess I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. Although I am bitter and sometimes unkind  towards him around my friends, I am not that way to him, nor around the kids. However, I am pretty open about some things he did that affected the family with S19 and D17 and college.

Thanks for listening.

[Panda39]

Hi betteroffalone,

Have you just told dad that S9 misses him and would like to hear from him more often? Can S9 just call his dad?

Panda39

[livednlearned]

Hi betteroffalone,

My son was diagnosed ODD, ADHD combined type, and depression/anxiety. I think when there is a BPD parent and a child exhibiting signs, it's something to pay attention to, especially when your child is young and more likely to respond to interventions.

Your post is about the relationship between S9 and his dad. You may have no control here, and it might be the least of your concerns, although it depends on the degree to which your S9 is developing personality traits that are pre-clinical BPD.

My experience reading posts on the Parenting a Child with BPD board is that ODD is often the diagnosis given to kids because psychologists are still not in agreement about whether BPD can be diagnosed in childhood. There is a researcher named Blaise Aguirre who has a book out about BPD in adolescence that is excellent, especially the 2nd edition. I highly recommend it to anyone who is worried about BPD traits in their kids. Research says BPD is roughly 60% genetics and 40% environmental conditions. So if your son was bonding with his dad, there is a good chance he has picked up BPD traits. Age 9 is a good time to start an intervention.

Read everything you can about validation. Become a black belt in validation! And read Love and Logic, books that are about disciplining with empathy. Because if you try to discipline an ODD child to be good, he might miss the memo about developing his authentic self, something a BPD parent does not exactly help with.

The thing that really turned the program around in my home with my son was realizing I mattered. Like, a lot. I stopped being a door mat and treated myself like I was somebody. That was the most powerful thing I did as a mother. My son still has some issues, and we aren't out of the woods yet. But he knows that I respect myself, and now at 13 he believes this new me is here to stay.

Last, the part about your ex not showing up in the kids lives. Same with my son. I don't ever say "your dad loves you" because honestly, I don't know. Let the two of them sort that out. It's toxic to tell a child that a non-functioning parent loves them because then they mistake that for love in their own lives. Whatever my ex feels for my son, I'm pretty sure it is such a distorted kind of care that I prefer to not label it love.

I found an excellent male psychiatrist and that has been amazing to watch. Lots of transference going on that makes me realize just how poisoned S13's relationship with his dad was. It will take him years to come to terms with the impact of his dad's narcissism and neglect and self-centered parenting.

Have you thought about having your son evaluated for ODD? How does he do at school?

[betteroffalone]

Panda39,

S9 can call, text, or Skype anytime he wants. He has a tracfone because we don't have a landline. I have been told not to get involved, and to let ex and S9 work it out. He's not really talking to me either. I did get an email the other day from his sister who lives 500 miles from us. Since ex moved so far, I wanted to make sure they knew I am willing to bring the kids to visit. They want ex to bring the kids, not me. I understand, but it hurt a lot. Anyway, I think they are trying to get ex to come visit all of them and have kids meet him there. He has isolated himself in Vegas.


Livednlearned,

ADD runs in my family to varying degrees in my dad, brother and S19.  I have been addressing his ODD behaviors, the last couple of weeks have been better between the two of us. It also helps that S19 is home from college. He misses him more than his dad.

I am very interested in the discussion about BPD in childhood. I had heard that it manifests in the late teens, so I figured S9 was mimicking his dad's behaviors.

School itself is good. He is a good student, but also a typical boy who would rather be playing with friends. He does have issues with peers, though, and has become inappropriately angry when he doesn't get his way.

Love and Logic is a great book. I have been teaching for 20+ years. S9's T works for the T who first saw my ex and was counseling me (after he quit) when I stumbled upon BPD. She is very knowledgable, having a BPD in her own family. When I asked if ex had BPD, she said absolutely. She was amazed I stayed for four years after discovering what was making him tick.

Thanks for the feedback

[betteroffalone]

 I have been very aware of making sure S9 feels comfortable telling me why he his angry at me. I try to validate his feelings while  still giving consequences for any resulting poor choices.  Ex would swallow his feelings and then explode. I looked at the book online. I wouldn't have picked it because the title says "teen". Thanks for the reference.

[Panda39]

All of these changes are rather recent it may just be taking S9 some time to adjust.  I think you are doing all the right things to support him... .validating his feelings is key.  He may just need some time to adjust to the new normal and Vegas may not be as interesting and distracting to his dad further on down the line either.  I agree that dad and S9 will need to work this out on their own. My SO's daughters were very angry when he left his marriage (helped along by uBPDxw) and made more complicated by the conflict during the divorce itself.  It took sometime for the girls to voice their anger with him and begin to talk about things and it took even longer for things between them to feel natural again.

Hang in there