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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Building relationships with kids of pwBPD  (Read 387 times)
Starbird
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« on: May 27, 2015, 03:49:42 PM »

My SO has BPDx.  We have been together a year and he knows my kids quite well.  How to I begin to build a relationship with his kids whose mom has BPD? 

There are still custody battles going on and my involvement is seen by everyone as a complication.  Is it best to just wait until things are more settled? 

I know everything that threatens mom also makes kids feel threatened and anxious.  How can I continue with heart open to live my life without encroaching?  How long do I wait?  Is waiting just giving BPDm more power over all of our lives?

Starbird.
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Slate78

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« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2015, 04:24:32 PM »

I've been with my step kids since they were toddlers. I never tried to replace BM but always loved and cared for them like they were my own when they were in my home. That's a very fine line to tread. I was not willing to essentially completely disengage from two small children who lived with me half the time. In essence this is what BM forced her husband to do and now she is living to seriously regret that. The children have no bond with their stepfather even though he has been around the same length of time as I have. I was closer and less close to each of the children as they needed over the years - essentially driven by them and their needs as they got older. BM tore herself up with rage about it, and her hatred of me and my husband is a huge reason that the children have now chosen to live with us and have little to no contact with her. They were tired of feeling afraid of mentioning my name to BM, of her forcing them to choose etc. My advice - BM is threatened by you no matter what you do. It is not about you. Do what feels right for you and the kids. Try to forget her while not overstepping any obvious boundaries. The goalposts keep changing with BPDs. You just have to roll with it and accept that whatever you do will be wrong, so just do right by the kids, and most of all be relaxed about it. They need that, when BM is raging over everything. It's what will make you their haven in the end.
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Nope
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« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2015, 05:39:23 AM »

What the kids need most is a safe place to be with safe adults they can trust. Some day they will be incredibly grateful for your kindness. (At least that's what I keep hearing.)

One way or the other, the kids will need to figure out how they want to navigate their relationship with their mother. My SD12 was nine when I met her and her younger brother. I made sure I did things separately with each kid to develops my own seperate relationships with them. My SD avoided any problems with her mom by simply not telling her anything about spending time with me. Or when she did she agreed with her mom's perception that she had been "dragged around to different places by daddy's girlfriend" and had not had any fun. When her mom is around, SD pretends she doesn't know me, but the second her mom is far enough back in that rear view mirror everything changes and we have a great relationship. SD12 knows I know how she acts and what she says when her mom is around. I told her that is just fine so long as she doesn't bring the attitude back to dad's place with her.

Her younger brother is split black so he had an even easier time because his mother believes he is the village idiot and will love anybody so she doesn't find my relationship with her son threatening.

I guess all you can do is put yourself out there and let the kids decide what they are comfortable taking. What they are comfortable with may change over time. It will make a big difference just letting them know by your actions that you are available to them. Words don't mean much to a kid whose mom is BPD. They are used to words and actions not lining up at all, so they are hyper sensitive to trying to read facial expressions, body language, and behavior.
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highroadstepmom

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« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2015, 12:45:10 PM »

Slate 78 and Nope have good points. My husband and his UBPDx have split custody.

What is right for you and your partner and the kids is between: you, your partner and the kids.  check out the readings on this site about affirming the kids feelings without trashing the ex.

When I met my husband... .it took me about year, while I was crazy about him and his kids, to really consider whether I wanted to be permanently affiliated with his ex, knowing that she has this disorder (kids are in grade school still). Once I committed, I knew that rolling with her disorder comes with the family package. A pain the neck at times, incredibly stressful at times, always expensive (attorneys) but I married the love of my life and got kids into the bargain!

I read about boundaries with BPDs early on and my husband and I set ours with regards to his children and my role in their lives. 

so... .when the kids invited me to attend their swimming lesson for the the umpteenth time the first year I was dating their father, I accepted and went... .uBPDx was not pleased. She got her nerve up and marched over to me and told me it wasn't appropriate for me to be there until "everything was settled", that she hoped I understood I wasn't the children's mother, etc. and I really shouldn't be in the house (that she still co-owned with my husband at the point). Having my boundaries in place I replied: I am here because the children invited me and I want them to know I support them. I am aware that I am not their mother. As far as what goes on in the (still coowned)house, you gave up your right to dictate what happens there when you left." I can't say I managed the 'friendly' in that BIF(F) but I was civil and calm (on the outside!).

Nope is so right - kids need a safe place - where they know they are loved, where the rules are consistent and where you and your partner are on the same page (a challenge for any stepparenting situation  - never mind a BPD in the mix).

If you and your partner have a loving and healthy relationship and the kids have a safe and loving environment when they are with you... .they will thrive - even when the other half isn't always stable.  I actually asked a school counselor about this and she said, when there's mental illness in one parent, if the other parent's home is safe and loving - the kids do benefit in the long run.

I'm taking a long way to say: you can't control what the other parent does, or says to the kids. But you can be a loving family in your home who affirms the kids concerns about BPD parent without trashing.  Hang in there!

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livednlearned
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« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2015, 05:42:55 PM »

Welcome to the site Starbird! Glad you found the place and are asking such smart questions. How old are the kids? I suspect there are some differences depending on the ages and also the types of relationships they have with the BPD parent (like golden child, scape goat, enmeshed, etc.)

Have you had any experiences thus far that give any indication how the kids feel about you in their lives?
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Breathe.
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« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2015, 03:04:24 PM »

I agree with everybody's posts - actions speak louder than words.  I had no clue what I was getting into when I met my stepsons - they were 17 and 13 at the time, now 19 and 15.  Thankfully, they gave me and their dad a chance, because we were all they had, as BM went to jail for nine months.  They quickly figured out that we had their best interests at heart, and had their backs.  We now have full custody of SS15, and SS19 is going to move in with us next month to go to our local JC.
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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2015, 09:20:10 PM »

Hi Starbird,

My SO and I don't live together we are 40 miles apart. (Work and kid's school keep us where we are for now)

I didn't meet my SO's kids until we had been together for more than a year. He was separated and divorcing, the uBPDxw was very dysregulated, causing trouble, chaos, drama, conflict and was running a parental alienation campaign.

When I finally met my SO's daughters a few times it was with mixed results and sometimes they were downright mean.  I ended up in tears after more than one visit with them.  My feelings hurt, I decided to back off and not to spend time with them, only with dad.  During that period I did give gifts on birthdays and Christmas... .was I trying to buy their affection? I probably was.  Was I trying to compete with their mother?  I was probably was.  Was I trying to be nice?  I probably was.  Was I trying to help dad do nice things for his girls?  I probably was.

I stayed in contact through gift giving. 

This went on for sometime and then I tried a different strategy.  I started spending a little more time with the younger daughter. She and I have a lot of common interests and she's very extraverted so she was easier for me to connect with.  She started warming up and so did I.  The older daughter and I have had a harder road.  She was most hurtful to me and I hurt her once as well so it has taken us longer. 

These days I talk to D14 often on the phone and D18 and I are email pen pals (we're both introverted so writing works well for us).  I also see them more often not tons, but slowly moving forward.

What changed? 

I found this website a year ago... .I arrived a very angry lady.  Angry at my SO's uBPDxw and at their daughters.  I started like you are today Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) by posting and reading. I joined the Co-parenting Board and one of the first good pieces of advice I remember getting was... ."stop focusing on the uBPDmom and focus just on the kids". I did that and 50% of the problem was gone in that one shift in thinking. I started reading the posts on the Coping with a BPD Parent Board trying to get the kids perspective. I became a sponge about BPD and how to negotiate my SO's ex, how to support my SO and his daughters, and how it was important that I take care of myself as well.  I gradually let go of my hurt feelings and stopped pushing for a relationship. Instead I waited for them to reach out to me.  Once they did and when they do I am always receptive.  I have let the girls take the lead.  I don't want to be a replacement mom (I have my own son) but I would like to be a friend.

What else has changed?

The girls are 5 years older and the longer their parents have been apart the more they have come to recognize their mom's issues. They know who the reliable parent is. Unfortunately, the girls' mother has done things that have alienated them from her in the last year.  D18 is almost completely NC (no contact) and D14 is low contact and has learned to set her own boundaries when it comes to her mom.  I think there is more maturity on the part of the girls and a little room for me now that their mother isn't filling their every waking moment.  I think after 5 very happy years together with their dad they have figured out I'm not going anywhere.

My SO has BPDx.  We have been together a year and he knows my kids quite well.  How to I begin to build a relationship with his kids whose mom has BPD? 

There are still custody battles going on and my involvement is seen by everyone as a complication.  Is it best to just wait until things are more settled? 

I know everything that threatens mom also makes kids feel threatened and anxious.  How can I continue with heart open to live my life without encroaching?  How long do I wait?  Is waiting just giving BPDm more power over all of our lives?

Starbird.

So after my rocky road... .my advice learn about BPD (this website, books, internet, youtube... .) understand what you're dealing with, be a stable caring presence in the kids lives, let them come to you, be patient this takes time, validate the kids feelings/show understanding (don't bad mouth mom), be flexible, take care of yourself, demonstrate a healthy relationship to the kids with your honey, learn to set boundaries around what goes on at your house and let go of what goes on at mom's house you can't control it... .like someone once told me "stop focusing on the BPDmom and focus on the kids  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I also found that once the custody battle was over and the divorce was final... .when the conflict died down things surrounding the ex did improve some.

I'm glad you are here and we have another stepmom added into the mix. 

Also, since this is your first post I wanted to direct you to the links in the box to the right ------------------------>
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« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2015, 03:59:53 PM »

Here is my advice.  First, get some good parenting info about setting boundaries, validating, and empathy... .I like Love and Logic; there are good little MP3 summaries online.

I think a really important element to what your role is likely to be is how much time you spend with the kids.  If your SO has 50/50 custody or more, you will be in some sort of parental role if you live with him; I think the step-parents who have the hardest time are ones who either try to make step-kids their own kids, and ones who try to abdicate the parent role and just be a grown-up "friend," allowing boundaries to be set only by the bio-parent. This might work for the SO of an EOW dad, but not for someone in a daily relationship with kids.

I am really close with my two SDs and they really respect me.  Here is what I think has worked over the past 8 years:

* I do not want to be a mom, so they are not competing with my kids for attention, and I do not try to treat them like I am their mom.  I have no expectations about how close we are supposed to be, so it has evolved organically.

* I genuinely like both girls a lot, and made sure I did before committing to being dH's partner.

* I think that both the kids and me are entitled to have boundaries and to express them, being aware of where I have power and where I do not. This is not "discipline," this is basic human interaction.  My SDs respect me a lot more if I can do this without needing daddy to be in charge.  For example, I can say, "Look, if you yell at me, I will not be taking you to the store after school to get supplies, because it does not feel good to me to spend time with you when you are yelling at me."  I do not try to make the kids do things, but I am really clear that I do not have to do things, that it is a choice and privilege for us to get to do things together. 

* I tell the kids that I love them and like them and WHAT I like about them often, and express gratitude that they are in my life, even during the hard times.  The number one reason I hear kids give for why they do not like their step parent is because they do not feel liked, either because dad and SM are focused on their new child, or because the stepparent really does not like the child, or because the bio-parent is less available and the step-parent is not aware and loving. This has an easy solution--just love the kid. 

* I own my feelings. If you are having a hard time, if you share your feelings as your own, kids know it is not them but you.  I am really clear with them that they are not responsible for my anger.

* Spend time with them doing fun things. There is such pressure on step-parents not to be close to step kids, not to bond, or to bond only in the way that the bio parent feels comfortable with.  This is reinforced by BPD parents, who want to be the center of their children's world.  It is important that stepparents have their own relationships with kids, particularly as you are likely to be under attack by the BPD parent.

* Accept the BPD parent as is; get there by accepting who you are.  Dealing with my SDs BPD mom was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life.  That said, it is not really that hard at present, partly because I am fine with her throwing fits, making drama, etc., because it is not my problem.  I also have death with the aspects of myself (fears and guilt and other stuff I was carrying around that provided triggers right near her trigger fingers) that made me vulnerable to her manipulations.  For my SDs, all they really want is for me to love and accept their mom as is, and see that she is a good person.  Sometimes that is tough; she is one of the least empathetic people I have ever known, and empathy is a quality I value most highly.  But she has had a rough life and is a much better parent than her mom was; she is doing her best.  That is enough.  And sometimes she pushes me to my edge and over it, and I behave badly.  How I stay open to her as she is: by forgiving myself.  I am doing the impossible--loving this person who often hates me, accepting who she is and modeling for the girls that you can accept and hold someone in your heart while having clear boundaries.  I do not need to be her friend, I do not need to be close to her, or even talk to her most of the time.  But I do need to see her value in order to be safe for my SDs. And, to do this, sometimes I will feel really angry at BPD mom when she hurts the kids, and I will need to express that.  But that is me feeling that way, and does not mean BPD mom is bad. I am not bad for being angry, even if I make a mistake or hurt the girls when I deal with my anger.  But the girls and BPD mom are not bad either. 

* Listen a lot.  Ask questions.  Validate. BPD parents have a hard time letting kids be themselves, and this makes it easy for kids to enmesh.  Helping kids to see who they are and to differentiate from you and others will make you an amazing ally. 

* Do not take it personally.  It is not your fault.  This is one of the greatest things about being a step parent, and one of the hardest to remember... .because when a step kid is really upset, they will project that on the easiest person to project onto... .which is NEVER a BPD parent who will not tolerate a kid's anger. But unlike being a parent, it is almost never true when a step kid says "My life is horrible... .BECAUSE OF YOU!"  The kid just need some neutral listening, which step-parents can do because we know it is not our fault.  "Wow, it sounds like you feel really powerless. It is challenging to be in a family and not have much power--I can relate!" 

Or, "It sounds like you are really angry.  Is there something specific I am doing that is hard for you?  I am curious about that, because I am learning about my role in our family, and I am curious about how I might be there for you in a better way."  Today, my SD15 is upset and was angry at me.  When I asked her to tell me what was hard for her about me, she said, "Sometimes you talk to much, and go on and on about something I do not want to hear about."  I said, "You are not the only person who feels this way about me! I do talk a lot sometimes,  and you can help me do this less by saying something that helps me feel heard.  But I am working on this!"  All anger melted. It is not me she does not like, even if she targets complaints at me.  It is not feeling heard that is hard.  If I hear her, support her, she is not mad at me.  Being a child of a BPD person is a very powerless feeling, so I want my SDs to have more power with me.  Not power over me, but ability to influence me.  And I want them to be able to be influenced by me, too. 

* In sum, the most easy to access pitfall in being a step parent to kids with a BPD parent is to try to avoid things that make the parent uncomfortable or that seem to result in more parental conflict for the kids.  I THINK THIS IS A MYTH.  In my experience, there is nothing I can do to avoid conflict in BPD mom's mind--except to just carry on my merry little way and ignore it. 

So rather than trying to be small, base your relationships with the kids on your own unique amazing self, and where it connects with these unique children.  What do you love about them?  What interests you?  Go big.  Let it be magical.  Do not play small. Be authentic.  It is such a unique opportunity, being there for kids whose mom is not really able to be there for them.  And, getting to really connect with these kids on each of your terms.  I am certain I would not have such great relationships with my SDs if they had a "normal" mom, if they did not need to be seen and heard by me, and if they did not have to learn empathy at a young age to manage their mom.  Both girls are insightful observers who have taught me so much about myself; they are loving people who have loved me in situations I was sure they could not sustain love.  They are great friends, great daughters, and such deep parts of my life.  But I started off just curious about where we would connect, about what were those threads of connection, because there is no cookie-cutter relationship for step-parents... .it is all made up. 
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