Strange times

[ennie]

SD11 seems to have a minor medical issue... .though she has had some weird stuff happen lately and so we have concerns over her overall health.  But today, it seems minor though unusual.  :)H took her to the doctor.  

On the way home, BPD mom called and insisted on talking to a parent.  :)H was driving and I have been connecting in a nice way (very patiently and limited way for me) with BPD mom, so I said okay.  So interesting, as I was SOO much less triggered than ever.  She was totally sloshed, slurring words and saying big medical terms.  Wanting me to "get her" and giving medical advice that has nothing to do with SD11's health condition.  Which made me SOO glad SD11 is with us right now.  

But that said, it was not terrible.  She wanted to take offense, but I was absolutely not able to be triggered.  She would aggressively say, "I thought we were talking nicely! Are you going to get aggressive?  I just want you to GET ME!"  and I would say, "I get you." and she would pause, then say, "Really?" And I would say, "Sure, you love your daughter, you want to make sure we are taking care of her." and she would say, "You really do get me!  Thanks.  I just want you to get me."  "I get you."  "That feels really good. Thanks.  I feel like we have been communicating lately, like you get me!"  Only his was all totally slurred.  

Somehow, I am just not as impatient or bothered by it. I do not really understand how SD15, who hates all drunkenness and is very aware of it, can be okay and enmeshed and in love with her drunken mom.  She just laughs and enjoys her mom.  

I do not really get the mechanism that make kids trust someone that is as drunk and misguided as she is, but hey, she is their mom and they love her.  So I can love her a little too.

One thing that has really changed since the last time I was talking to her on the phone is that in the past, I would totally defer and feel threatened when she said stuff like, "I know their medical history, you do not, so you are not able to take care of them."  I thought this was true, would agree, would leave feeling scared and inadequate.   Now, I realize I know a lot more than mom because I pay attention.  Her info is 8 years old; I am present and here now.  So I know she knows some key stuff, I know a lot of present stuff.  She projects so much she knows where she is the same as the girls, not where they are different.

A final note was at the end, she said, "I just want you to take care of her, I am trusting you."  She gave some random advice, I said, good idea.    I said, "We will take care of her.  We love her."  And she said, "Okay, well I totally trust you then."  I could tell she meant it.  Something has shifted over the past year.  I have no expectation this will last, but in this moment, she really feels it and I also really do not care. But I do care about her.  I just know her kids are way more important to me than her crazy, drunk opinions... .but that her love for them is also important to them so I can value that.  Not sure how to explain it, but there is a sweetness here that I feel.  

I also told enmeshed SD15 two days ago (who wants to live with mommy whenever mommy is really having a hard time, though it would be terrible for her at this age) that while I have no say and trust mom and dad to work it out, and my opinion is it is better to live with us (first time I have said this to her outright), I am shifting my stance from wanting to tell her the obstacles to wanting to support her.  Instead of telling her why that is not a good idea, I am open to helping her figure out how to make this happen in a way that feels really good to her and to all of us.  She was so touched, hugged me for a long time.  Expressed gratitude.  It felt so different.  Like she is old enough and also wise enough, she has enough tools, that I can trust her to learn what she needs to learn, instead of protecting her, I need to feed her.  Strengthen her.  Support her.  

I am really grateful for this experience dealing with a BPD mom of my SDs.  I have learned so much about my own fears, and become more fearless.  I have learned about accepting what is, and about how to love the most painful parts of people.  I have learned about trusting people I love to be who they are, and about not needing to say "no" to set boundaries; sometimes the best boundaries start with a "yes."  I have learned to say, "Good idea" to someone who is nuts, just because they get so little support, why not?  

I have learned to be a more generous and clear human being.  I have learned to assess when it does not harm me at all to be wrong, or to say I am sorry, or to say "yes" or "good idea," that it is just better to say it.  Nothing bad is caused by being kind for no reason.  I do not have to agree, submit, be small to support someone desperately in need of support--an angry teen, a BPD mom; that support, in fact, really tends to bring out the best in them.  Thank you, BPD mom, for some of the best lessons of my life. And also, for being there to receive them with sweetness when that is not your strong suit.  I get you.

[livednlearned]

That's really powerful, ennie.

My SO has an ex who seemingly has BPD, or pre-clinical BPD. I have not needed to engage with her much, and also have not been seeking out opportunities, mostly based on having it up to here with BPD following my own high-conflict divorce.

I saw her one day as she was preparing to move (to another state, something I admit I'm grateful for). All the old triggers started to fire in me and it surprised me so much that I could feel that way about her. It started as soon as I saw her drive into the driveway, she hadn't even gotten out of the car. Just the way she whipped into the carport, and then got out of the car all mad like a wet cat, yelling and swearing.

I hope one day to get to a place where I feel calm and don't get triggered all the way down in my bones.

You're doing great 

Thanks for posting this.

[kells76]

Hi ennie;

Thanks for posting about your experiences -- I'm still pretty new here (as a poster), but reading back through your story has been heartening. Your perspective is grounding and brings hope. It helps me remember that I have some pretty big choices about how I behave and how I treat Mom.

[bravhart1]

I envy that you even get a chance to speak with your child's mom. Our BPDm has painted DH black which means if I love him I must be worse than him. She won't speak to me and refuses to be civil even if I'm as sweet as pie to her. (She also believes I'm the reason DH left her, but that's not true)

I would like to think I could be kind, understanding and reassuring to BPDm if given the chance, but we will probably never know.

[ennie]

Hi ennie;

Thanks for posting about your experiences -- I'm still pretty new here (as a poster), but reading back through your story has been heartening. Your perspective is grounding and brings hope. It helps me remember that I have some pretty big choices about how I behave and how I treat Mom.

Thanks so much for sharing this.  There are times when I feel like the sweet moments are of no value, because BPD mom has no capacity to retain them.  You remind me that how we experience the painful things in our lives has a profound impact that ripples out in the cool still pool of our shared experience.  It all matters. We just do not always know how.

[ennie]

I envy that you even get a chance to speak with your child's mom. Our BPDm has painted DH black which means if I love him I must be worse than him. She won't speak to me and refuses to be civil even if I'm as sweet as pie to her. (She also believes I'm the reason DH left her, but that's not true)

I would like to think I could be kind, understanding and reassuring to BPDm if given the chance, but we will probably never know.

When I first connected with BPDmom after beginning to date DH, I thought she would come around, that my openness would win the day.  For the next 6 or 7 years, I had the sense that nothing I could do would influence BPDmom in any way.  Now, I see that it is just entirely unknown  how we influence those around us, and all the factors that make our hearts open or stay closed. 

I think my take-home point is that what has been most important to me is not how BPD mom acts or feels, but how much I have come to know myself by knowing her, and knowing her kids.  I would have never wished that for me, and it has made all the difference.  I think I had to come to terms with my fears of being not liked, being abandoned by my community, being seen as bad, to be able to be in this situation.  I would not have chosen to have someone close who treated me that way... .except my dH and SDs are so great, and they came with her attached.

It changes every day. 


I can still feel the trauma in my body related to her--her threats, her physical invasiveness, her emotional and psychological harm to the girls.  But at present, I am at peace with that.  It is mine, not hers.

[bravhart1]

She seriously acts like I am the boogey man if I am around and the sometimes she will flip it and come after me like she is the monster. I never know how she'll be .

[ennie]

She seriously acts like I am the boogey man if I am around and the sometimes she will flip it and come after me like she is the monster. I never know how she'll be .

I have soOO been there!  I had about 6 years of that treatment.  Things just changed... .and I am sure they will change back.