SS15 told BM he's staying put with us

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My DH has had custody since September 2013 - first emergency, as BM went to jail, and then sole for the past year. Last year SS wrote in his yearbook that his plans were to stay with us for another year, then go back to BM, who lives two states away.

Well, that plan has evolved over the year. That's not home, we're home. When he visited over Memorial Day, she apparently pressured him to pick a date. He demurred, and she's continued to push. He had finals this week and was hoping to put her off until he was done. He was working on a text explaining his reasons for staying, and accidentally sent it yesterday morning. Predictably, she melted down, blaming my DH for stealing him and alienating him, etc., etc.

The poor kid was upset, but stood firm. She told him she would make him move. DH assured him he's not going anywhere and that he'd handle it from here. SS's younger half sister texted him throughout the day parroting BM, but he ignored it.

Predictably, she hasn't contacted DH; unlike the majority of members here, she never initiates emails or texts. She picks weaker victims, like the kids. SS hasn't heard from her today, except a cheerful reply to his last day of school comment on FB. She has to at least look like a good mom. We also assume there's some PAS meme posting on FB as a mutual acquaintance shared one. My SS19 mentioned it and knew something was up.

SS is in a good mood today, and said to me just now "the very thing she's accusing my dad of is what she did to him for ten years"! He talked to SS19 for awhile, and is going to go to an extra counseling appointment this week. We're still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but we're proud and amazed at SS15's resilience and strength.

[PinkieV]

My DH has had custody since September 2013 - first emergency, as BM went to jail, and then sole for the past year. Last year SS wrote in his yearbook that his plans were to stay with us for another year, then go back to BM, who lives two states away.

Well, that plan has evolved over the year. That's not home, we're home. When he visited over Memorial Day, she apparently pressured him to pick a date. He demurred, and she's continued to push. He had finals this week and was hoping to put her off until he was done. He was working on a text explaining his reasons for staying, and accidentally sent it yesterday morning. Predictably, she melted down, blaming my DH for stealing him and alienating him, etc., etc.

The poor kid was upset, but stood firm. She told him she would make him move. DH assured him he's not going anywhere and that he'd handle it from here. SS's younger half sister texted him throughout the day parroting BM, but he ignored it.

Predictably, she hasn't contacted DH; unlike the majority of members here, she never initiates emails or texts. She picks weaker victims, like the kids. SS hasn't heard from her today, except a cheerful reply to his last day of school comment on FB. She has to at least look like a good mom. We also assume there's some PAS meme posting on FB as a mutual acquaintance shared one. My SS19 mentioned it and knew something was up.

SS is in a good mood today, and said to me just now "the very thing she's accusing my dad of is what she did to him for ten years"! He talked to SS19 for awhile, and is going to go to an extra counseling appointment this week. We're still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but we're proud and amazed at SS15's resilience and strength.

[Slate78]

We are in a similar situation - BM saying we are PASing the children because they refuse to put up with her abusive behaviour. She talks so badly about us to them and to everyone in their lives and they are embarrassed and sick of it and realized she is the problem and not us. She is the one trying and failing to PAS because we had them 50-50 and they knew which house was happier and more stable. That's all you can do - it has been so great to watch them blossom here. BM still goes hard with the texts and enlisting everyone to pressure them into coming back. I don't see it ever happening and there was a time not so long ago that I never thought I would say that. I've been told that when BPDs try to PAS and fail (or the kids eventually see the light), they usually project their behaviour and assume that the ex is using the same PAS tactics and succeeded. They don't ever see that they did anything wrong so they have to find someone to blame, and sticking to the hatred of the ex is what keeps the kids away. Good for your SS and good for you. It's a hard road!

[Panda39]

We are in the same place, my SO's D18 has gone No Contact with her mom for the last 6 months and D14 is low contact and sees her mom only on her terms (she's getting the hang of boundaries  ) Technically D14 should be seeing mom 3 weekends a month and Wednesday evenings but at this point sees her only occasionally and sometimes on trips to her therapy appointments

Same story... .with their parents divorced dad has bounced back to his authentic self and unfortunately uBPDxw is spiraling down to her natural conclusion (which looks like it might be jail) and the girls see who is the hot mess.

[ForeverDad]

My impression is that it's good for him that it's out in the open.  Now that he's said "No" once, it will be easier to say it again in the future since fretting over the best way to tell her is now done.  However, he will make it hard on himself if he frets over making the decision over and over.  Help him to see that it's not healthy to decide all over again every time she insists, he can and should make his informed decision and not feel guilted to go back and rethink it over and over.

Just like it is/was for us who are exiting or have exited the relationship - we find that first step toward recovery and a future the hardest and it get progressively easier the more we move forward.  And like Lot's wife, it's not healthy to always be looking back to restart the decision process over and over.

[PinkieV]

Good point FD.  It's been a MAJOR breakthrough for him to tell her this.  He wrote a letter last year, with his counselor's approval, telling her he wanted to stay with us for a year.  Even at that time, he was planning his whole high school career with us.  But all he could handle then was telling her it would be a year, and he was too petrified to tell her over the phone, or even text her.  He was still accepting and supporting her victim mode, even though unconsciously, he was saving himself.

Now, he can't understand why she doesn't get it.  He's so smart and thinks this should be obvious to her.  I think he's starting to work through the mental health part of it now.  I hope with his counselor's continued guidance, he'll continue to move forward and not keep having to make that decision again and again.  But it will be a learning process.  Thankfully, he had already made the decision last week that he wanted to continue to see his counselor every other week, as he's been doing for the past year.  She offered to have him change to once a month if he felt like it, but I think he was smart enough to know this was coming and wanted the continued support.  He readily accepted my DH's offer of an extra session.  We were talking about going to lunch this weekend to celebrate his straight A's (with AP classes!) for the second half of his freshman year, and he said "yeah, but I have to go to counseling first to talk about, you know, the THING". 

Slate78, my DH didn't see the boys for the better part of ten years.  She divorced him and moved, and he, being responsible and having a job, couldn't.  And dealing with her is exhausting, as we all know.  SS15 has changed SO MUCH in the past year!  He used to just keep his head down and never utter a word when it came to BM.  Now, he speaks up when he doesn't understand or agree with her.  Of course, it's easier with the distance.

Panda39, my SS19 is NC, and as far as we can tell, SS15 is LC.  We check and there is just not that much contact, and he sure doesn't initiate.  BM should have set up summer visitation by last Monday, but again, nothing.  We don't even know if she has the PP paperwork, or understands it.  This would be the first trip that she has to pay half for, so my DH has not initiated contact, as he did over the past year.  So, she probably thinks he's purposely not making summer plans, when he's waiting for her.  We kind of thought she'd rush to the altar with the new guy, but just found out he's still married!  His wife filed in March, and BM moved in in April.  Her typical modus operandi.

[ForeverDad]

He needs to conclude that mental illness is, by definition, illogical in some important ways.  Example, a broken or cracked record.  It doesn't make common sense.  Yes, it can be described, written up in textbooks, typical patterns predicted and all that.  But when explaining, reasoning, etc doesn't work (no surprise by now) he has to Accept that he's done what he could and, as you've largely done, Let It Go and Deal With It As It Is And Not As We Wish It.