Testing times

[Ripped Heart]

It's been a while since I posted on the co-parenting boards. In that time, there has been a few ups and downs, testing of boundaries etc... .some moments that have left me in disbelief but as whole it's generally been alright.

Ex has tested my boundaries a few times when it comes to my girls, trying to impose rules within my household (some I've agreed with such as some of the things d4 is not allowed to watch on youtube) She has insisted I keep the same bed time routine as she does at her house but that is one I don't agree with. It is expected that d10 goes to bed at the same time as d4 because d4 doesn't like being alone. I can see why she is encouraging this as she also does not like being alone so to her it is perfectly normal. However, I'm trying to get d4 used to going to bed on her own, I go with her, read her a story, we talk for a bit and then allow her to settle.

Trying to encourage the fact that she may be in the bedroom, but we are not far away. Also, it is something d10 has spoken about too, she wants that alone time, to be able to sit up and play a game of scrabble with me without the interference of d4. She likes to watch a bit of tv and basically have some time to herself to unwind. So despite whether I agree or disagree with ex, it's something d10 wants to do also so I'm going to continue to encourage that and also get d4 out of the mindset early that she hasn't been abandoned.

Another thing the courts ruled in my favour is me being allowed to take my girls abroad on vacation. They have never left the country, never been on a plane despite annual promises from ex to take them somewhere. It got to the stage where at least d10 had very little expectations because she heard the same words every year. So I've worked hard since the court case and next month taking them for their first vacation abroad, just me and them.

Of course ex tried to come up with excuses in court, such as they don't have passports, that because of lawyers fees she can't afford to get them passports, so I agreed to pay for them to stop the excuses. Court decided it was only fair that ex complete the paperwork if I'm doing that and gave her a time limit otherwise I was to apply myself. Either way, the girls were going somewhere.

It was agreed that despite my weekend falling on Mothers Day, she has them that weekend and I have them on fathers Day weekend. She has stuck to that so far but organised for them to be in a dance competition on Fathers Day weekend, so technically she still wants to try and keep control. I've yet to figure out how to deal with that because she got the girls all excited about it and I don't want this to be about me and ex but about what the girls would like to do.

Which leads on to the next thing. She has stacked their weekends with dance (except for weekends she would like to do things with them) given they can only miss so many lessons before they lose their place. It means my quality time with my girls is usually dropping them off at dance and picking them up, so we only really have the evenings. Both girls have confided in me that they don't want to do dance anymore because they want a lay in on a weekend and want to have fun doing kids things. When I asked them if they expressed this to their mother, she has told them to continue until October and if they still don't want to do it, they can stop. However, just last week that then got changed to if they continue until October and still don't like it, she will find another dance school for them instead.

A real rock and a hard place.

What I have said to the girls is that if they are here and they don't want to go, I'm not going to force them. They have to understand that missing too many weeks and they lose their place at the dance school but that I'm not going to force them into something they don't want to do.

Again, i feel right now like ex is trying to battle me through the children and one thing is certain, she isn't listening (or not bothered) about what they want. What I find difficult with this is being able to approach her to talk to her about it. The reason being that if I say anything, she will put the girls in the middle of it. If they stand their ground, they are the ones who will be punished for it and I don't want to do that to them, so not entirely sure on the best approach here.

Like I say, there are ups and downs and when this is all there is to be concerned about right now, it's not all that bad.

The biggest issue I have right now is that ex constantly texts d10 the entire weekend she is here, wanting round the clock updates, asking random questions, changing plans on them and such forth. D10 has had enough of it and when we are doing anything, she either leaves her phone behind or hands it to me to look after. I feel for d10 right now because this weekend the texts at 9pm was to ask why she wasn't in bed and that it was too late for d4 to be up. When she said d4 was in bed, she was practically ordered by ex to go to bed. She didn't but I can see she is in the FOG right now and again, I don't want to be upstaging or put the girls in the middle of anything, just not sure of the best approach because talking to ex would only make it worse on the girls.

[livednlearned]

It's tough when the other parent is so controlling.   

The thing with the dance classes probably won't get better. I found that co-parenting (more like parallel parenting) with my ex really honed my problem-solving skills. It would take me 100 hours to write an email, and a few days to think about a workable solution, but eventually there was something reasonable I could propose.

I'm wondering for your situation if you agree to the dance until October, and then suggest ex pick a dance school that is more flexible. If not being there x number of dates means they lose their spot, then that is too inflexible for the kind of plans you have for the girls on your weekends with them. Maybe even find some schools to show that they exist. Not all schools are trying to produce professional ballerinas... .

You are being exceptionally tolerant and reasonable after the kind of estrangement you experienced with your girls. And the judge is very much in your corner. You have leeway here, it's up to you how much you want to assert your boundaries.

The girls don't want to dance, you want time with them. It's simple on that end of the equation. Anything you offer your ex in return (taking the girls to dance) is a gift, not an obligation. She will be difficult with the girls about one thing or another, you can't walk on eggshells to protect them. It didn't work for you, and it won't work for them. It's not an equation that adds up, especially when the girls don't see boundaries modeled. They're learning from you far bigger lessons than how to dance.

[Thunderstruck]

I think it's normal for kids to get bored or frustrated and want to quit activities impulsively. I did when I was a kid, and I kind of regret a few things that I didn't stick with. I don't disagree with your x that the girls should give it a try for a few more months. I do agree with you that it stinks for her to be scheduling activities on your time.

[Ripped Heart]

I've posted elsewhere because in the past couple of months there have been developments and I now have custody of my girls.

The situation around dance lessons was resolved prior to that because with the change coming and both girls still adamant they didn't want to continue with dance, it was stopped much to their relief and mine. They are a lot happier for it and it means we can plan to do other things they want to do.

Thunderstruck, I was the same way too when I was young. Always trying out different things but there were a few things I stick at because I enjoyed. Dance for the girls was not something they enjoyed and discussions around it was mainly they did it out FOG because its what their mother wanted them to do.

D10 did gymnastics for a few years and also martial arts but schedules meant things had to fall away. The problem they faced was options. Instead of asking what they wanted to do they were faced with an either/or scenario so never felt they could express that they didn't want to do something.

Both girls are involved in cheerleading and that is something they both love doing so I don't mind that taking up our weekends when there are galas and competitions because they enjoy it. Dance was too much for them and neither enjoyed it. With cheerleading, they learn routines and as a group have fun and enjoy themselves. With dance (and their instructor) it was 7 hours of their weekend being yelled at if they got something wrong, missed a beat or lost concentration. For a 4 year old that was too much for her and she really didn't like being there.

There was no confidence building involved in their dance school, quite the opposite and their teacher wasnt that nice even to parents. Cheerleading has a very different feel for both kids and parents, it feels like a family atmosphere where everyone supports each other and I think that's something the girls enjoy.

I guess everything worked out the way it was supposed to in the end