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Author Topic: Lost her job  (Read 474 times)
bluejeans
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Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
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« on: June 08, 2015, 09:58:53 PM »

My partner got fired today. I feel so so bad for her. I believe that she was really good at a lot of what she was doing in her job. In those areas, I was so pleased for her. Not that she has held a job for very long in the past but I really thought that she had found her way in her new career. It's a big setback for her self-esteem. I don't know for sure but I suspect her BPD is a big part of it.  I have spent time validating her and she appreciates it. Rough day.
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bluejeans
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« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2015, 12:12:13 AM »

As a follow up to the last post. My SO received a job offer today, which is great since she has been out of work for only about 10 days. The down side (maybe) is that it is located about an hour away. Sounds like she may want to move there rather than commute. I have mixed feelings - so I am putting them here. She realizes that she needs to work to pay for her car (she wouldn't expect me to pay for that, she says, and I won't) and other things. In the past, when she wasn't liking her job much, she said that if needed she may have to work out of town, that there aren't many jobs of her type in town. That is true. She had worked in most of the places and those jobs didn't work out. We have been having a rough time and I believe that she thinks her having her own place will help. We are going to talk about this on Sunday since she is out of town.

My concerns are this. We have had so much back and forth. Living together and not for our whole time together. What I would like is either we work on this r/s together, living together, or we end it. I don't know if I really want to be with her if she moves out. This is something I am mulling over tonight... .I don't know if I want to just have weekends together like we did for the first few years when she was in college.  I am not sure that I will want to go out of town every other weekend, if we take turns.

As is typical, I think, I am the one with the steady job, have owned my place for 25+ years. She has had numerous jobs, none lasting more than a year, always let go. This new job is full time and this is another worry. I don't believe she can handle full time. If she does take it, move to the new area, spend a lot of money moving etc. (me helping with that?), and then it doesn't work out, which it won't, eventually.

She hasn't really thought about why she was fired much other than to say it was all their fault and she didn't do anything wrong.  There was a moment of clarity the other day, though, that I want to mention. The other day she said that she "doesn't know why she was fired but maybe it had to do with BPD".     Smiling (click to insert in post) 

And I just found someone who I think would be great for her - a T who specializes in BPD and DBT, in town here.

Not quite sure what my point is here except changes are coming... .not sure what to do or what I want.

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waverider
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« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2015, 08:17:03 AM »

Many pwBPD do have difficulties holding down jobs, simply because of their inability to be team players and fitting in. Nothing to do with technical ability or qualifications.

Obviously relocating to be closer to a new job would not be sensible given her history of not keeping a job. Maybe put a time frame on that decision on the basis of seeing if she likes the job or not. Do not say in case she looses it.

Unless she is accepting of BPD, which its sounds not to be the case at the moment, she will always need an outside excuse for her troubles. As a result making changes will always seem like the answer, but it never is the magic fix.

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bluejeans
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« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2015, 12:30:23 PM »

Good idea about waiting to relocate to see how the job goes for awhile.
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bluejeans
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« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2015, 06:46:39 PM »

So she is considering a few job possibilities. All with different salaries and responsibilities. And all in different locations. One out of town for a month then in town long term. One 6 hours away. The one I mentioned before about an hour away. That one is her top pick now.  I have so many emotions about this. At one point she suggested a separation so we can both work on ourselves since we are having so much trouble. But then again she is not clear on that really. I am trying to figure out what I want. Not sure  what I want and just feel really stressed and anxious. The thought of potentially breaking up is making me feel sick and I am a bit surprised about that.
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« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2015, 07:08:39 PM »

Well, I am glad to hear that she has possibilities, and taking the initiative!

As waverider said, many pwBPD have trouble keeping jobs.  I think the record for my wife is about 2 years at the same job.  In my wife's case, the job usually starts out well the first day.  Within a few days, she is telling me about a co-worker who is annoying her.  Then frustrations with other coworkers for not doing their jobs.  Then her boss talks to her.  Then the anxiety builds, her top blows, and it's all over.  Wash, rinse, repeat. 

My wife's last job I think she had gotten over the hump and things were getting better.  But then she had to be let go on a technicality, and like you, felt quite bad for her.  But she is starting a new job in a few weeks, and I need to figure out how to be supportive but not enabling, encouraging but not pushing, if you know what I mean.

I hope your partner finds something that works for the both of you.  I'm glad she's at least seeing the need to find something and take care of herself, on her own. 
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DearBFF
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« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2015, 09:48:20 PM »

  bluejeans... .

I agree with the others on difficulties holding down jobs for BPDs.  My understanding is that the more structured the job is the better they do.  For instance where their schedule is very fixed, they know exactly what is expected at them, they feel competent doing so, and feel appreciated doing it then they do very well.

Unfortunately, my BFF undiagnosed BPD, is a horse trainer/riding instructor.  She has to get her own clients and schedule herself, while also trying to work a job to support herself when clients come and go.  She also models when jobs come up, and can bartend if she needs something to fall back on.

Just since I met her 9 months ago she was a stay at home mom, with a client whom she trained horses for and taught to rode (a mother and daughter, and sometimes the husband with their 2 horses).  Since her divorce began just about a month after that, she stopped showing up and calling back that family/client and therefore lost that job.  She got a job bartending and was doing modeling jobs as they came up (since husband couldn't tell her not to anymore, he hated her modeling).  This was going splendidly although she didn't get much time with her daughter, that is until she started dating a coworker.  This ended badly (partly because he was still seeing his ex) and BFF was fired after an inappropriate hug which lasted too long behind his bar, while he was on the job, with a customer to serve, in view of the restaurant owners.  That was a few months only, then came talk of 3 job offers, one being a rekindling of working at an old barn which asked if she could pick up shifts.  The old barn would have been great, but she felt with all of her other commitments that was going to be too much so she kept passing off her shifts until she just stopped going altogether after only working a few days there.  Within a few weeks she had begun one of the other two jobs for a nightclub that was just opening, they were hiring staff and she was helping them with training.  I believe she went not even a full week before she just stopped showing up, which happened just days after she started dating boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend).  By this time she had began her other job which was riding/training horses at another barn.  I was so happy for her since they let her work around her daughter's schedule so she'd get to see her more often, plus she seemed to really love the job.  Little by little cracks formed, she got too stressed out with the job and the divorce process, most likely also boyfriend (which I didn't realize at the time) and after screaming at her boss she was fired.  Before she was fired she had begun another job also doing riding/training with horses and covering some barn shifts.  She seems happy and I have my fingers crossed, but only one job has barely made it past 3 months, the shortest were just a few weeks.  Now it has been 9 months since I've known her, not counting the modeling jobs which are a day here or there, she is on job #6, hoping this one sticks!  Not only is it about 5 minutes from her house, but they let her bring her daughter to work with her when she has her.  Unfortunately, I've already heard grumbles about coworkers and even heard her cursing one out, screaming/yelling at her the other day (she had a point, but didn't go about delivering it the best on a stressful day where that was the last straw).

Be aware that she will come home telling you how AMAZING and PERFECT the new job is, but know that it probably won't last very long before she comes home telling you how AWFUL it is instead.  It may be a month, maybe a few months even.  There may even be times she comes home upset, and picks a fight just because she is upset about the commute, but instead of putting it on the job location she'll put it on you saying you won't let her move.  The thing is it truly has nothing to do with you... .if this job lasts 6 months without her coming home telling you any awful stories about how much she hate so and so who has gravely offended her, then it may work out.  As for the job being so far away, I have noticed that BFF literally blocks off parts of her past once she is done with them.  She never truly cuts them out, she would never unfriend them from facebook for instance, or tell anyone that she is DONE with the person/job, yet she probably stops taking calls from them and may avoid their part of town so as not to run into them.  This is just something I've noticed with my BFF and may not be the case with your gf, I just mention it as you may have seen this happen before as well.  She seems to feel that certain people at certain points have seen too much of what lies behind her public mask and so she gets frightened and pushes them away, very sad for those people who are hurt by this and end up trying to understand what they did wrong when they have done nothing.  Either the pwBPD seemingly forgets one day and reconnects (usually when they need something) or they may truly miss the person and want to reconnect, only for the cycle to start all over again.

I wish you luck and your gf too, I hope it works out for her and you both!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Take care
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babyducks
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« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2015, 05:06:32 AM »

  I have so many emotions about this. At one point she suggested a separation so we can both work on ourselves since we are having so much trouble. But then again she is not clear on that really. I am trying to figure out what I want. Not sure  what I want and just feel really stressed and anxious. The thought of potentially breaking up is making me feel sick and I am a bit surprised about that.

Hi bluejeans 


First I think it's great work for you to dig down and figure out what you want.    Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   I think that we spend so much time reacting to the behaviors of our partners, or trying to figure out our partners, we can lose sight of what we want and need.   I hope you are giving yourself credit for putting your wants on the top of the list.   That's a good thing to do.

I suspect it will take a while to sort out what you would like to do, and what makes sense.  From what you have been posting your r/s has been in turmoil for a while.   My experience was, when I turned the focus on myself and my feelings, those emotions that I had stuffed for so long took a while to float to the surface.   

I would also guess that your partner is going to bounce back and forth about potential jobs for a while as she processes the emotions around them.   It took me a while to get the hang of the idea that all my partners emotions were large and intense.   And that I didn't need to do a thing about them.  She could work her way through them, or not, by herself.   I just had to keep my side of the street clean.

The r/s we form with our SO is an unusual bond.   There are lots of technical words you can find for it in the Lessons and in other resources.   Sometimes you'll hear the phrase Stockholm syndrome tossed about.   Whatever the case, we do end up with an unusual bond so it's perfectly understandably that you would be anxious and stressed about this.   ~~Normal couples~~  whoever they are, struggle with job changes that may require moves, and they aren't also dealing with BPD.   

Hang in there.   Keep doing what you are doing.   

'ducks

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bluejeans
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Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
Posts: 92



« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2015, 12:15:39 AM »

She broke up with me today. Long story but it seems more real than other times when she said she was done. She told me to take off my ring. She is staying at a friends for a few nights while she decides what she will do about the job and moving out.

I feel really sad about it. I am glad I have some space to process this. It is feeling really real. Despite all our troubles and my recent thinking about whether I should stay or not, I don't really want to break up.
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babyducks
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« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2015, 04:25:00 AM »

bluejeans,

I am so very sorry.



'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
bluejeans
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Gender: Female
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Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
Posts: 92



« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2015, 03:22:29 PM »

I hate it that I am being portrayed as the bad guy and it's all my fault that this relationship isn't working. Not surprising though. Just more of the same.
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bluejeans
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Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
Posts: 92



« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2015, 06:45:13 PM »

As one might expect, we are not broken up. We had a talk and determined that it isn't a good idea. We love each other. She wants to focus on getting the new job which still may mean she moves away. I want to have us talk about our long term plans but that won't happen just yet. We are trying to give each other space since the stress level is still really high. I am out of town right now until tonight.  She is determined to get a job in her field and not go back on disability and I admire that. Not so sure moving away is the best choice though but the best job prospects now are hours away.  I am not sure what to do.
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babyducks
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« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2015, 04:50:38 AM »

bluejeans,

What can you do to take care of yourself while the stress level is high?   Are you eating?  Sleeping?   Exercising?   Where are you dumping your stress?

'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
bluejeans
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Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
Posts: 92



« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2015, 07:03:40 AM »

She is taking the job that is about 4 hours away. It is the only one that has panned out. She starts in a few weeks. It's hard for both of us but I am being supportive. I look at it as temporary and suggested she look at it that way also. Not because she may lose the job (even though that may be true) but because she may find something closer later on. She said that she is still committed to this r/s. We still plan to visit each other as much as we can. The decision was made Monday so it is really sinking in now. I  am sad but also looking forward to having time to myself for awhile and focus on taking better care of myself.
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« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2015, 04:01:40 PM »

So sorry for your ups/downs and ins/outs bluejeans.  Glad you will get to take better care of yourself!  It is very difficult to balance that when you are close to someone with BPD.  Try to focus on your emotions and not getting yours and hers mixed up, I've had a very hard time with that, but now feel like I'm getting better at telling the difference.  I hope you find what you need and that she finds what she is looking for.
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bluejeans
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Posts: 92



« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2015, 11:44:16 PM »

It has been a roller coaster ride ever since I last posted. We are broken up. She had one job decided not to take it, took another. I helped her move into a new place, gave her money also. She worked there two weeks then they have a short summer break. She is supposed to start up again on Wednesday but she took another job further away so has to move again. Not sure when she is starting that job. In between all this she still comes to my place, she still has some of her things here. She goes back and forth painting me white and black almost daily. Up until yesterday I was still thinking we may reconcile sometime in the future, we have talked about taking 6 months then seeing where things are. Today we got into an argument, she threatens to call her divorce attorney, taking half of everything I have. We are not married. I say something about she needs to move out... .later this evening after she comes back to MY house she calls the Sherrif... .they show up, one talks to me, one to her. She feels satisfied that I can't just kick her out... .they leave. She actually gave me written notice one month ago that she was moving out... .it's crazy. I didn't want to go this route but I may need to go through the eviction process. I was trying to be nice by letting her come and go a bit but it is a nightmare.  I leave Wednesday for a trip out of state for 10 days so I am a bit worried about her being here during that time if she doesn't start her new job yet. I have a great new T who knows a lot about BPD and will be working on boundaries with me.  If I ever mention that I ever want to get back together again, please stop me. Really.
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« Reply #16 on: August 16, 2015, 12:11:59 AM »

Sorry to hear this. You may want to drop by the LEGAL BOARD, just to make sure you have a heads up for any consequences in that department
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babyducks
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« Reply #17 on: August 16, 2015, 06:54:27 AM »

bluejeans -

wow, sorry about the roller coaster.   I know you have to be pretty emotionally banged up. 

I'm happy to hear you have a great new T.   That will help you.

Hang in there.

'ducks

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