Can i validate a 2 yr old?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know my daughter like the back of my hand so I know when something is bothering her. When I got her from daycare today she was happy to see me but I could tell she wasn't herself, she was very clingy and very quiet. What I mean by very quiet is she was whispering to me and when she was laughing she acted like she couldn't laugh out loud ( she was covering her mouth to laugh) and was more of a stifled laugh, this isn't normal for her.

I don't have to see my ex to know when things are not going well for my ex based only on my daughters behavior. whenever my ex is triggered or disreagulated my daughter always acts different. My ex has the attitude that kids should be seen and not heard so she likes to keep them in fear and keep them feeling like they cant or shouldn't express themselves.

My question is how can I validate my daughters feelings? shes only 2 so im not even sure I can, I want to help my daughter with her feelings but I don't know how.

[Eco]

I know my daughter like the back of my hand so I know when something is bothering her. When I got her from daycare today she was happy to see me but I could tell she wasn't herself, she was very clingy and very quiet. What I mean by very quiet is she was whispering to me and when she was laughing she acted like she couldn't laugh out loud ( she was covering her mouth to laugh) and was more of a stifled laugh, this isn't normal for her.

I don't have to see my ex to know when things are not going well for my ex based only on my daughters behavior. whenever my ex is triggered or disreagulated my daughter always acts different. My ex has the attitude that kids should be seen and not heard so she likes to keep them in fear and keep them feeling like they cant or shouldn't express themselves.

My question is how can I validate my daughters feelings? shes only 2 so im not even sure I can, I want to help my daughter with her feelings but I don't know how.

[Turkish]

Sure you can! Kids understand far more than we think before they can communicate it verbally.

Have you taken anything useful from the lessons to the right?

Parents are mirrors to their children as they develop their own seperate idenities. Be open and funny and she will feel safe. If you show anxiety, she will likely mirror that.

"Its ok to laugh, honey, we laugh at Daddy's house!" I wouldn't try to force her behaviors, though. If she seems sad, it's ok to ask what's wrong.

[bravhart1]

In Patricia Evans book on verbal and emotional abuse she talks about how people that are abused will try to hide their emotions for fear of getting squashed down. That's the first thing I thought of when you described her behavior.

Play, laugh, encourage her to be open and she will probably quickly learn she does not have to hide herself from you.

Not sure if any therapist could do any real work with a two year old, but read up on it. Evans book just describes it the best I've seen, it's like not wanting to draw attention to yourself so that people don't notice you and put yourself in the line of fire.

Lots of cuddle time, you are a good dad, I can tell from your writing. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

[livednlearned]

I think validation is the most human thing we do with each other 

It's just accepting and acknowledging that the other person's feelings or perceptions are real. Saying to your D, "You are whispering and quiet, and when you laugh, you're covering your mouth" is validation. You can follow this with validating questions, like ":)id something happen that makes you feel quiet?"

We have a bunch of resources about validation here:

• The Power of Asking Validating Questions



• Validation and Young Children

• Validation and Teens



• Validating Kids in Divorced and Blended Families



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques:



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others



• BOOK: The Power of Validation (for Parents)



• BOOK: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

I really like the validating questions part because it helps put some brakes on the rescue tendencies I have. I tend to validate and then feel the need to fix, instead of letting my son learn that he can come up with the solution. What we're going for is emotional resilience, and that's about letting our kids understand that they have the skills to self-soothe and take care of themselves.

And like bravhart1 mentioned, if D2 is being verbally abused, she may be mimicking what her siblings do, trying it out to see how it works, using it herself. She may need it with your ex   though when she's with you, she'll have the opportunity to be heard.

When S13 came home from his dad's and seemed withdrawn, I would point it out. "Your body language tells me that you want to be alone right now. That's ok, it's good to take some time when you need it." Sometimes I would say, "Everything ok?" Or I might say, "If you want to get a load off, I'm here. Come find me when you feel the need to talk."

I think I over fretted with S13 and tended to add to his anxiety. I'm learning to chill a bit better and make sure he knows I have confidence in him to work through his feelings, while also letting him know I'm here and listening.

[Eco]

In Patricia Evans book on verbal and emotional abuse she talks about how people that are abused will try to hide their emotions for fear of getting squashed down. That's the first thing I thought of when you described her behavior

That sounds spot on, I will have to add that book to my list.

Play, laugh, encourage her to be open and she will probably quickly learn she does not have to hide herself from you.

Not sure if any therapist could do any real work with a two year old, but read up on it. Evans book just describes it the best I've seen, it's like not wanting to draw attention to yourself so that people don't notice you and put yourself in the line of fire.

Lots of cuddle time, you are a good dad, I can tell from your writing. Your daughter is lucky to have you. love

My ex is a bully and rules through fear, Im a grown man 3 times my exs size and I was fearful of her. At the end I constantly had a flight or fight feeling around my ex and left more then I stayed, those poor kids cant leave they are trapped. I can only imagine the dread they must feel on a daily basis :'( So I can see how my daughter must want to disappear for safety around her mom.

Thanks for your kind words

I think validation is the most human thing we do with each other  love

It really is a great tool.

I really like the validating questions part because it helps put some brakes on the rescue tendencies I have. I tend to validate and then feel the need to fix, instead of letting my son learn that he can come up with the solution. What we're going for is emotional resilience, and that's about letting our kids understand that they have the skills to self-soothe and take care of themselves.

I definitely need some brakes for that as well, I will have to re read that info.

When S13 came home from his dad's and seemed withdrawn, I would point it out. "Your body language tells me that you want to be alone right now. That's ok, it's good to take some time when you need it." Sometimes I would say, "Everything ok?" Or I might say, "If you want to get a load off, I'm here. Come find me when you feel the need to talk."

I think I over fretted with S13 and tended to add to his anxiety. I'm learning to chill a bit better and make sure he knows I have confidence in him to work through his feelings, while also letting him know I'm here and listening.

good examples, I have noticed that the more relaxed I am the better it is for my daughter.