Group texts/ emails

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We've had thirteen years of dealing with uBPD BM so the background is far too long to give here. Suffice it to say it's nothing that all of you have not dealt with, and yet it feels unique in its ability to make you crazy. Upshot is that BM lost it utterly last year, and both kids came to live with us, aged 13 and 14. After a period of almost no contact by their choice, SD is now visiting BM for a few hours a week but SS refuses to have anything to do with her, he hates the FOG. BM is predictably still raging about this, accusing us (to the kids and to us, to lawyers and everyone else around) of brainwashing, being toxic, PASing the kids - all easily documented that it was her own abuse that sent them running so not much she can do except complain. Both kids are thriving here and are able to see Mom's behaviours very clearly.

That's the quick story of where we are at now, but the stalking behaviours post below reminded me of this. BM does all this stuff and we just have to put up with it. Both kids are completely aware (because she and her husband have told them, repeatedly, in rages and rants against us) that BM and her entire family hate me and my husband, and they consider us the cause of all her many problems. SS is completely NC, I am completely NC, DH is low low low contact, SD is in text contact and occasionally visits but complains that her mother smothers her with texts. Since the kids moved in with us, BM has started group emailing and texting the kids with H - "Hey, my parents are visiting on x date, come see me! Love Mom xoxo", or reminding of appointments, trying to get them to come on vacation with her etc. She will write to H about SS coming to visit (which he never does) and cc SS, but write as though he is not cc'd. Partly I feel she is trying to make us responsible in as many ways as possible for SS not seeing her - it's like a weird, affected "look at me, I am a good Mom, I am trying, if this goes to court" kind of contact. She will send medical info to SD and H as though they are all equal adults. Just weird stuff.

She has no scheduled visitation with them (we tried but the kids refuse after the first few times were a disaster) so I empathize in a way but both kids have mentioned that they find it odd that Mom group texts/ emails like they are all one big happy family. DH hates it, he never replies and neither does SS. SD sometimes does. If it requires a response from DH he will email her separately. He was ignoring all the ones that were written to the kids but cc'ing him but she sent a legal letter saying that he had to respond since he was requesting that she ask permission before inviting the kids over. Apparently she was sending chummy emails that he thought were nothing and didn't require a response but she was documenting - still not asking us first though! They all chalk it up as just one other weird thing Mom does. My feeling is that you can't behave the way she does, say all those terrible things, and then act as though we're all great friends.

This is a really small thing, I know, and we definitely have far more going on with her on a daily basis, but I was wondering if anyone had insight into why she might be doing this and whether we can ask her to stop? If so, how to say it? It happens several times a week at this point.

[Slate78]

We've had thirteen years of dealing with uBPD BM so the background is far too long to give here. Suffice it to say it's nothing that all of you have not dealt with, and yet it feels unique in its ability to make you crazy. Upshot is that BM lost it utterly last year, and both kids came to live with us, aged 13 and 14. After a period of almost no contact by their choice, SD is now visiting BM for a few hours a week but SS refuses to have anything to do with her, he hates the FOG. BM is predictably still raging about this, accusing us (to the kids and to us, to lawyers and everyone else around) of brainwashing, being toxic, PASing the kids - all easily documented that it was her own abuse that sent them running so not much she can do except complain. Both kids are thriving here and are able to see Mom's behaviours very clearly.

That's the quick story of where we are at now, but the stalking behaviours post below reminded me of this. BM does all this stuff and we just have to put up with it. Both kids are completely aware (because she and her husband have told them, repeatedly, in rages and rants against us) that BM and her entire family hate me and my husband, and they consider us the cause of all her many problems. SS is completely NC, I am completely NC, DH is low low low contact, SD is in text contact and occasionally visits but complains that her mother smothers her with texts. Since the kids moved in with us, BM has started group emailing and texting the kids with H - "Hey, my parents are visiting on x date, come see me! Love Mom xoxo", or reminding of appointments, trying to get them to come on vacation with her etc. She will write to H about SS coming to visit (which he never does) and cc SS, but write as though he is not cc'd. Partly I feel she is trying to make us responsible in as many ways as possible for SS not seeing her - it's like a weird, affected "look at me, I am a good Mom, I am trying, if this goes to court" kind of contact. She will send medical info to SD and H as though they are all equal adults. Just weird stuff.

She has no scheduled visitation with them (we tried but the kids refuse after the first few times were a disaster) so I empathize in a way but both kids have mentioned that they find it odd that Mom group texts/ emails like they are all one big happy family. DH hates it, he never replies and neither does SS. SD sometimes does. If it requires a response from DH he will email her separately. He was ignoring all the ones that were written to the kids but cc'ing him but she sent a legal letter saying that he had to respond since he was requesting that she ask permission before inviting the kids over. Apparently she was sending chummy emails that he thought were nothing and didn't require a response but she was documenting - still not asking us first though! They all chalk it up as just one other weird thing Mom does. My feeling is that you can't behave the way she does, say all those terrible things, and then act as though we're all great friends.

This is a really small thing, I know, and we definitely have far more going on with her on a daily basis, but I was wondering if anyone had insight into why she might be doing this and whether we can ask her to stop? If so, how to say it? It happens several times a week at this point.

[livednlearned]

Hi Slate78,

It sounds like there is no formal custody order that determines visitation, and that you have a more informal set-up? Or is it the court that has said BM must send formal requests prior to any visits with the kids?

For people with BPD, feelings = facts. People with BPD do not have the coping skills that we do, and their desperation to avoid painful feelings of abandonment drives them to behave in ways that can appear baffling, similar to the "everything is peachy" behavior you describe, so contrary to the reality of her actions.

Lesson 1 to the right has links to some of the common emotional limitations that people with BPD experience. I feel much more detached about my ex's behaviors knowing that he does not have the emotional capacity nor the skills to behave like you would expect an adult to behave.

Me understanding BPD doesn't change his behavior, nor does it mean I forgive how he behaves. What it did was to help me become emotionally resilient -- I know why he behaves the way he does, and that allowed me to model resilience for my son, who is 13.

Bio mom is not the first difficult person your step kids will meet in their lives. What they learn from you about how to cope with her will stay with them for life.

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDxw uses email like a weapon on youngest D14.  My SO is very low contact & D18 is no contact but everyone gets the email barrages but they effect the youngest because she is still trying to make a relationship with her mom work.

I always look at these emails as a giant FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) machine and these emails also create chaos and confusion because often what is being said isn't truthful or the reality of anyone other than uBPDex. 

Info on FOG https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

By sending group messages I think you can add some triangulation into the mix too.

Triangulation

When two people are in some conflict and one enlists or aligns with a third party to support their position.  Triangulation, as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing great intensity will naturally involve a third party to reduce anxiety” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002).

This unhealthy dynamic commonly happens in family, close friendship, or organizations.  Who or what is right is determined more by the pairing than the issues.

The concept was originated by Bowen in his study of family systems: www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html

Do you have a way to forward all the BM's emails to one box (if everyone agrees to that)?  If you could do that then the kids don't need to see it and you can sort through it and respond only if truely necessary.  By sending it to one box you are also able to check it when you choose rather than getting a barrage of emails all the time.

(Maybe another member with better computer knowledge than I could talk to you about forwarding the BM's emails to everyone into one email box)

[livednlearned]

In Christine Lawson's book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" she writes about the impact of "Borderland" on the kids. Borderland is the make-believe world that the BPD mother lives in, and the kids have to learn to accept that some things are real and others are not. They are not in Borderland, but in order to have a relationship with their mother, they have to pretend to accept this completely bizarre make-believe world in order to have that maternal relationship. BPD parents experience cognitive distortions (to protect and prevent them from overwhelming feelings of grief or pain that they lack the skills to resolve in healthy ways) that can produce gaps in memory when there are intense emotions involved. This can be a form of disassociation, or in some BPDs, a form of psychosis. Ultimately, it is intensely invalidating for the kids.

You are very fortunate that the kids understand that their mom is mentally ill. The best way to deal with these emails is to validate how they feel. If they recognize that there is something wrong with the group emails, let them express those feelings to you. "How do you feel about these emails?" Is all you have to ask. Your kids need to work through this. They build emotional resilience when there is a sympathetic witness -- like you -- who validates for them that their experience is real. They may seem bitter or flippant -- pay really close attention to how they process their feelings. If they can resolve their feelings of grief, they will stand a better chance of finding a healthy intimate partner.

I was reading about emotional resilience in kids who have BPD parents. There isn't a lot out there, unfortunately, but what I did find makes me concerned for S13. Many of the kids experience a major depressive episode in their lives. The ones who learn resilience usually have at least one person in their lives who helped them believe in their perception of reality. Their experiences were validated, and therefore made real. The percentage of kids who seem to develop BPD may have what researchers call "high emotionality," which could be genetics.

Let your kids problem solve a way to deal with the group emails so that they not only feel heard, but feel they have some agency in how they handle the emails. I made the mistake too many times of managing things for S13 and as a result, he is less resilient. I wish I had done a better job coaching and guiding him instead of taking matters into my own hands all the time.