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Author Topic: Feedback Please... I want to help not rescue (BFF's custody situation)  (Read 352 times)
DearBFF
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
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« on: June 12, 2015, 01:49:59 PM »

(skip down to the bold for the short version)

So this week BFF reached back out to me after I thought she had pushed me out of her life again, since she had not been talking to me for a few weeks straight.  She was ignoring requests for us together, but she has been upset at me so I was also making requests just to pick up her daughter so that our girls could play; these were also being ignored.  A few weeks go was her first mediation and she had a very stressful week, but after that week I didn't hear from her and over that time she even changed her number and after repeated requests didn't send it to me until a week later (I even checked with friends she barely speaks to and they had the number days before I did).  Since I hadn't hard from her I was trying to not think the worst, but assuming she just pushed me away again since she had been upset about something.  So I was giving her space, while not stopping contact altogether as that's not me.

I had hard time recently dealing with some physical issues and then realized once I got those worked out that I was also emotionally exhausted, and didn't even realize it.  My daughter went to hug me the other day and I burst into tears.  We had a good talk and I realized how amazingly awesome she is, we giggled and she cheered me up.  (I have no worries about her empathy and emotional intelligence; she will hopefully have wonderful relationships in her future!)  Right after this is when BFF reached out to see if I was alright after a down facebook post talking about not taking moments for granted with people we love; as I had realized lately it's one of the reasons I hate when she cuts me out.  My husband is in law enforcement so already dealing with him possible not coming back when he walks out the door everyday, having the closest friend I would turn to in that situation cut off communication is quite frustrating (almost even more when I realize that she doesn't truly want me out of her life she's just reacting emotionally).

So when she reached out she said we could try to get together with our girls this week, yesterday or today.  I sent a text yesterday just updating her on something, it didn't require a response and she didn't which was fine.  I've gotten to a good place just now and while I LOVE her dearly I know I can't help her unless she will let me.  She knows I'm here and when she needs me she does reach out... .today I sent a text to let her know my daughter and I would still love to visit, she told me that her daughter has to go back to her dad today at 2pm.  She said we might could get together later this evening, but she won't have her daughter (my daughter would be bummed), but I said of course we'd like to see her anyway.  A flurry of text messages followed with screenshots between her and her husband.

I guess they have changed to a new pickup schedule, but they scheduled it when one or both of them may not be available for some moronic reason I cannot fathom.  This means that when he is not available he sends his girlfriend (mistress #2) and she sends her boyfriend (boyfriend #3 since her and hubby split up).  BFF is basically having emotional overload about ever having to unknowingly meet up with mistress #2, and who would blame her that's very cold.  I am pretty sure (and believe she is as well) that husband is probably an undiagnosed narcissist; so cruel is not unusual for him.  On her side she sends her boyfriend so she doesn't have to deal with the mistress, but she feels guilty doing so, boyfriend seems more than willing to help (I am pretty sure he is at least codependent, they both are, and she took everything she used to put on me and put it on him which is one main reason I was pushed out).

In the past when I realized her and husband coming face to face was healthy for NO ONE, least of all their now 3 year old daughter, I offered to help with pick up and drop off.  It happened a few times, then things got switched around with different days and she wouldn't get in touch as much.  I finally offered to come down on the day he was supposed to pick up their daughter, and said she could go take a walk or do whatever to make herself scarce and I'd show up a few hours early so the girls could play at the playground together.  This seemed win-win to me... .She would get a break from having to deal with him, their daughter would be distracted and hopefully not burst into tears and go kicking and screaming as she sometimes did.  Plus our girls would get to play and the pickup would be much more cut and dry, instead of the emotional tug of war with a 3 year old that it had turned into.  She was very open to this the week before boyfriend... .then when he came along that was one of their nights to be alone when he didn't work, so it basically fell through the cracks.  I showed up, she was out with them and told me she'd be home soon, and she never arrived.  So daughter and I ended up going home, and she actually ended up keeping daughter an extra day so there was no pickup that night, but she said she would no longer need my help (since now she had boyfriend I guess).

Now again I want to offer to help.  As for my emotional state I am now where I was months ago... .even today she is supposed to let me know when later my daughter and I can visit her once she's sorted out her workday.  If she doesn't it's not the end of the world... .I had been planning to take munchkin down that direction anyway to play at one of her favorite places, and had been holding off thinking I could make one trip which would hopefully coincide with our visit with BFF.  That would be today, but I'm not running out the door to get down there like I usually have in the past.  I'm still lounging at home, finished a bit of work on the computer and am just now thinking, we should get dressed so we can leave so she'll have time to play.  If she doesn't end up calling no big deal, munchkin will still have fun playing and we will will have gotten out of the house; always an accomplishment for a stay at home mom, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .at least it is for me!  :-)

So would offering to help with pickup/drop off be rescuing or helping?  I would only agree if it worked out for us... .One of my main reasons is not just to help BFF, more so for her daughter's benefit actually, plus for my own daughter to be able to see her best friend more regularly.  I have never had issues with the soon to be ex-husband, he has always been very nice to me (which she hates feeling like he's being over the top), but he not only thanks me but says he is happy to know when his daughter is with me because he knows that we love her just like they do; even his mother has said the same when I've dropped her at her house before.  I do not feel as if this is something I HAVE to do, but it is something I very much WANT to do.

If I offer am I doing the right thing?  Thanks in advance!
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an0ught
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2015, 05:04:11 AM »

Hi DearBFF,

have to admit I don't fully get the complicated situation and how it relates to custody struggles. In any case it sounds like a lot of drama between drama prone people.

The easiest would be to keep distance until it gets calmer. If you engage right now be clear what you do and don't do and walk a straight line. The fact that the H respects you shows you got some boundaries - keep it that way.

You are structuring some of your question around the BFF but then you are mainly driven by concerns for her D and your D. Maybe it is not so much a BFF question after all - only seems like a BFF question as the drama turns your head?
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DearBFF
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 195


« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2015, 01:43:40 PM »

an0ught, I am slightly confused by your response, but I thank you for it.

I thought my question was clear... .If I offer to help BFF with the custody switch of her daughter am I rescuing instead of helping?

I have offered before, when I was not in as good a place as I am now emotionally.  My offer then and now was partially to help out BFF and her daughter, and partially to ensure that our girls get a chance to see each other each week and play.  As far as drama dying down between her and soon to be ex-husband/mistress I don't see that happening any time soon, but stay very well out of that.  He and I keep it strictly about the girls, and I would do the same with his mistress/girlfriend.  I just wanted a reality check that offering to help is actually helping and not rescuing.

Thank you!
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an0ught
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2015, 06:21:54 AM »

Hi DearBFF,

thanks for explaining.

One quite important aspect of enabling is that it prevents a person to experience consequences, change course and learn. In the long run this leads to even more severe consequences until one gets to the point where the enabler can't or chooses not to rescue anymore. Ultimately a big mess for everyone, maybe except for the enabler who can claim to have tried their best.

Is this the case for your situation? Most of the consequences it seems would fall on the innocent bystanders i.e. the kids. It seems to me that the kids immediate and real needs would trump unspecific and general concerns about BFF. These concerns for BFF may well be valid but considering your firm boundaries in the overall scheme of things do they weight so much? Aren't these concerns about BFF not more driven by your general assessment of her and not by a concrete issue?

Here is a thought - maybe it applies maybe it does not apply to you at all. I've seen a number of members once they got through the worst and have boundaries they get into a phase where they are having problems to adjust to the new and better normal. During the crisis it was important to be quite strict and focus immensely on applying the LESSONS. When things get better the skills from the LESSONS are still there and very useful. But beyond pure skills people also develop much sharper observation skills and have a whole host of frameworks to judge situations. Reflection and judgment skills which were critical during triage are now well developed and have a high priority. But most of the war is over and the ability to judge lies dormant and can undermine oneself and kindle self doubts.
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DearBFF
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 195


« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2015, 11:46:28 AM »

an0ught, thank you for responding.

I'm not completely sure I get all that you are saying, but I may get the gist of it.  Consequences for BFF of meeting with mistress are that she is anxious and on edge all day, she snaps more easily at everyone around her (daughter/coworkers/friends), therefore everyone around her suffers from this; especially if they don't know the cause.  It seems that for the drop off yesterday she choose to drop her daughter off early at 7am when she had kept her until 2pm last week, but at 7am she can meet her soon-to-be-ex, at 2pm she would have to meet the mistress because he would be at work.  Last week at 2pm she simply sent boyfriend to meet mistress, but this week she has decided to break up with him therefore leaving her no other option.  I wanted to offer myself as an option, but since she is working during the a.m. I suppose it would offer no real advantage since she probably quickly drops her off at the 7am time doesn't hang around for chitchat and it is not at her home.

When I had offered before husband was picking up daughter at her home late at night (when she was not working the weekend), not only were their outbursts/fights, one night she almost let him stay because she was too tired to make him leave (and she was lonely), and not looking forward to daughter's tantrum trying to get her to go with him and leave her.  After seeing photos of him and mistress on his phone she kicked him out.  This would have had awful consequences for both her and daughter, it would probably be very confusing.  This is when I had stepped into offer myself and my daughter as a distraction to her daughter at pickup time, they could play together (some weeks if she gets busy they don't see each other at all), and pickup would go smoother.  I told BFF she could just go take a walk when husband called to say he was on the way, so that they did not have to interact thereby eliminating any ill feelings, anxiety and fights in front of their daughter.  Also, eliminating the possibility of her inviting him to stay in a weak moment.  He and I have no issues and while he would be annoyed wife wasn't there (because he seems to enjoy having her to "toy with" possibly because he may be a Narcissist), he would be cordial with me and leave without consequence.

Not sure if that makes any more sense... . Would wanting to ensure the girls get some time together, and/or try lessen any negative outcomes on her daughter be a concrete issue?

Just Thursday night I offered to take her daughter to the playground with mine (5 minutes from her work) so she could get some time to herself (while finishing her work with her clients which I didn't mention).  She had just mentioned she appreciated boyfriend doing this, plus she had said we could come visit that night but she had a lesson at 6pm.  I figured we could get there at 6pm and I could take the girls to play for that 30-45 minutes while she was teaching the lesson.  Her response (most likely fueled by the growing anxiety that she would be dropping her daughter off the next morning and have to go 5 days without her) was less than kind and she said I should try to understand what it would be like to not have my daughter for that long, that they were going to do mother daughter things, how could I take her daughter away, etc.  I had planned on taking them during her lesson, during which she snaps at daughter if she opens her mouth because she is working with a client and doesn't like to be interrupted; not great mother/daughter time.  However, she assumed the worse possible thing (again probably due to her anxiety and as I am told jealousy that I have my daughter all the time and am still married), but I had the best of intentions.  I asked my husband for a response and I ended up responding "ok, I understand" as I really had no idea what else to say.  No point in arguing with her if she feels I have some nefarious purpose.

Thanks, an0ught!
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