(skip down to the bold for the short version)So this week BFF reached back out to me after I thought she had pushed me out of her life again, since she had not been talking to me for a few weeks straight. She was ignoring requests for us together, but she has been upset at me so I was also making requests just to pick up her daughter so that our girls could play; these were also being ignored. A few weeks go was her first mediation and she had a very stressful week, but after that week I didn't hear from her and over that time she even changed her number and after repeated requests didn't send it to me until a week later (I even checked with friends she barely speaks to and they had the number days before I did). Since I hadn't hard from her I was trying to not think the worst, but assuming she just pushed me away again since she had been upset about something. So I was giving her space, while not stopping contact altogether as that's not me.
I had hard time recently dealing with some physical issues and then realized once I got those worked out that I was also emotionally exhausted, and didn't even realize it. My daughter went to hug me the other day and I burst into tears. We had a good talk and I realized how amazingly awesome she is, we giggled and she cheered me up. (I have no worries about her empathy and emotional intelligence; she will hopefully have wonderful relationships in her future!) Right after this is when BFF reached out to see if I was alright after a down facebook post talking about not taking moments for granted with people we love; as I had realized lately it's one of the reasons I hate when she cuts me out. My husband is in law enforcement so already dealing with him possible not coming back when he walks out the door everyday, having the closest friend I would turn to in that situation cut off communication is quite frustrating (almost even more when I realize that she doesn't truly want me out of her life she's just reacting emotionally).
So when she reached out she said we could try to get together with our girls this week, yesterday or today. I sent a text yesterday just updating her on something, it didn't require a response and she didn't which was fine. I've gotten to a good place just now and while I LOVE her dearly I know I can't help her unless she will let me. She knows I'm here and when she needs me she does reach out... .today I sent a text to let her know my daughter and I would still love to visit, she told me that her daughter has to go back to her dad today at 2pm. She said we might could get together later this evening, but she won't have her daughter (my daughter would be bummed), but I said of course we'd like to see her anyway. A flurry of text messages followed with screenshots between her and her husband.
I guess they have changed to a new pickup schedule, but they scheduled it when one or both of them may not be available for some moronic reason I cannot fathom. This means that when he is not available he sends his girlfriend (mistress #2) and she sends her boyfriend (boyfriend #3 since her and hubby split up). BFF is basically having emotional overload about ever having to unknowingly meet up with mistress #2, and who would blame her that's very cold. I am pretty sure (and believe she is as well) that husband is probably an undiagnosed narcissist; so cruel is not unusual for him. On her side she sends her boyfriend so she doesn't have to deal with the mistress, but she feels guilty doing so, boyfriend seems more than willing to help (I am pretty sure he is at least codependent, they both are, and she took everything she used to put on me and put it on him which is one main reason I was pushed out).
In the past when I realized her and husband coming face to face was healthy for NO ONE, least of all their now 3 year old daughter, I offered to help with pick up and drop off. It happened a few times, then things got switched around with different days and she wouldn't get in touch as much. I finally offered to come down on the day he was supposed to pick up their daughter, and said she could go take a walk or do whatever to make herself scarce and I'd show up a few hours early so the girls could play at the playground together. This seemed win-win to me... .She would get a break from having to deal with him, their daughter would be distracted and hopefully not burst into tears and go kicking and screaming as she sometimes did. Plus our girls would get to play and the pickup would be much more cut and dry, instead of the emotional tug of war with a 3 year old that it had turned into. She was very open to this the week before boyfriend... .then when he came along that was one of their nights to be alone when he didn't work, so it basically fell through the cracks. I showed up, she was out with them and told me she'd be home soon, and she never arrived. So daughter and I ended up going home, and she actually ended up keeping daughter an extra day so there was no pickup that night, but she said she would no longer need my help (since now she had boyfriend I guess).
Now again I want to offer to help. As for my emotional state I am now where I was months ago... .even today she is supposed to let me know when later my daughter and I can visit her once she's sorted out her workday. If she doesn't it's not the end of the world... .I had been planning to take munchkin down that direction anyway to play at one of her favorite places, and had been holding off thinking I could make one trip which would hopefully coincide with our visit with BFF. That would be today, but I'm not running out the door to get down there like I usually have in the past. I'm still lounging at home, finished a bit of work on the computer and am just now thinking, we should get dressed so we can leave so she'll have time to play. If she doesn't end up calling no big deal, munchkin will still have fun playing and we will will have gotten out of the house; always an accomplishment for a stay at home mom,
... .at least it is for me! :-)
So would offering to help with pickup/drop off be rescuing or helping? I would only agree if it worked out for us... .One of my main reasons is not just to help BFF, more so for her daughter's benefit actually, plus for my own daughter to be able to see her best friend more regularly. I have never had issues with the soon to be ex-husband, he has always been very nice to me (which she hates feeling like he's being over the top), but he not only thanks me but says he is happy to know when his daughter is with me because he knows that we love her just like they do; even his mother has said the same when I've dropped her at her house before. I do not feel as if this is something I HAVE to do, but it is something I very much WANT to do.
If I offer am I doing the right thing? Thanks in advance!