Opinions please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A couple of things are going on with my daughter.

1. My ex lost child care assistance from the state because she wasn't working enough hrs a week at her job ( less then 24hrs ), she took my daughter out of the daycare that she has been going to since she was 6 months old ( she is just over 2 now) and now a friend of my ex who watches kids from her house is watching my daughter 3 days a week. My ex says she applied for the assistance again and will put my daughter back in the daycare when she gets approved which may take a couple of months. Its funny that this happened right before fathers day and the theme for kids will be for fathers and the relationship they have with them. Last year the daycare did a lot of nice things for the dads, maybe its coincidental but I wouldn't put anything past my ex and her wanting to destroy my relationship with my daughter.

2. My daughter had a problem with hitting about a month or so ago that has all but disappeared for about 3 weeks now, I credit that to the daycare and myself working on my daughter to give hugs not hits. Last Thursday was her first day at the new daycare ( ex friends house) and my daughter was back to hitting again. This house is not a daycare and lacks proper supervision for the kids to 1 adult ratio, My daughter also had a nasty cat scratch on her arm when I picked her up.

The old daycare was doing a great job with my daughter and they knew what they were dealing with when it came to my ex and they also were on my side trying to counter my exs PA with my daughter which seemed to be really helpful. I never mentioned PA to the daycare its just that obvious to see.

3. Something has been bothering my daughter for about a week , she hasn't been herself, I had her this weekend and when I picked her up she looked like the weight of the world was on her ( at 2  ) she eventually was in better spirits. She put herself to bed by announcing that it was "night night time"  she got in bed and like normal I sit in with her for a few moments, she was very restless and started to sob with restraint :'( I tried to comfort her and ask what was wrong but got nothing so I just held her and let her know I was there and it was ok. She calmed down and fell asleep, We had a great day Saturday and there was no issues at bedtime and we had a great day today. She was in a great mood both days and we spent both days at the local water park, her naps were messed up Saturday and today because of not being home so she was a little testy but nothing out of the ordinary for a 2 yr old. Today we left the waterpark early because I had to bring her back to my ex by 6pm, after she woke up from her late nap she wanted to go back swimming so I had to explain to her that she had to go back to mommies in a little bit to which she yelled "NO! I don't want to" I told her that I wish we could go back swimming but we cant today, she said " ok daddy". About 30 minutes later she told me " I want mommy" It kind of surprised me because she has NEVER not once asked for her mom, I just said ok we will be leaving soon and that was that.

I know its normal for a child to ask for mommy or daddy and really I thought it was strange that my daughter hasn't asked for her mom sooner. That being said I find the timing strange because im about to go on my first vacation with my daughter on the 21st of june for a week, I may be way off but I can totally see my ex telling my daughter to start asking for mommy in hopes that I would cut my vacation short.

Whats the best way to explain to a 2 yr old that we wont be able to see mommy in case my daughter asks for her during the vacation? 

Another weird thing and my mom was taken back by it as well was when my ex called on Saturday night to say goodnight to my daughter my daughter looked Depressed and almost scared to talk to her mom and refused to take the phone. That part of my daughter not taking the phone was normal as she rarely speaks to her mom when she calls her, but the look of terror on her face was new. My daughter cheered up a few minutes later and went to bed.

I involve my mom quite  a bit with my daughter because she was alienated from my mom and never met her until she was one. My mom is always blown away at how close me and my daughter are and keeps trying to reassure me that things will be ok , My mom is aware of the PA by my ex and said this weekend " I don't care what she (my ex) does there is no way she(my ex) will come between you and her (my daughter). My mom says this because my daughter is always glued to my side , not because she is fearful to leave my side as she will wonder off sometimes at home but because we get along so well and just enjoy each others company. We just seem to click and while I do have to enforce boundaries she hardly ever protests them, My ex says the terrible twos started early with my daughter but for me they don't exist yet.

[Eco]

A couple of things are going on with my daughter.

1. My ex lost child care assistance from the state because she wasn't working enough hrs a week at her job ( less then 24hrs ), she took my daughter out of the daycare that she has been going to since she was 6 months old ( she is just over 2 now) and now a friend of my ex who watches kids from her house is watching my daughter 3 days a week. My ex says she applied for the assistance again and will put my daughter back in the daycare when she gets approved which may take a couple of months. Its funny that this happened right before fathers day and the theme for kids will be for fathers and the relationship they have with them. Last year the daycare did a lot of nice things for the dads, maybe its coincidental but I wouldn't put anything past my ex and her wanting to destroy my relationship with my daughter.

2. My daughter had a problem with hitting about a month or so ago that has all but disappeared for about 3 weeks now, I credit that to the daycare and myself working on my daughter to give hugs not hits. Last Thursday was her first day at the new daycare ( ex friends house) and my daughter was back to hitting again. This house is not a daycare and lacks proper supervision for the kids to 1 adult ratio, My daughter also had a nasty cat scratch on her arm when I picked her up.

The old daycare was doing a great job with my daughter and they knew what they were dealing with when it came to my ex and they also were on my side trying to counter my exs PA with my daughter which seemed to be really helpful. I never mentioned PA to the daycare its just that obvious to see.

3. Something has been bothering my daughter for about a week , she hasn't been herself, I had her this weekend and when I picked her up she looked like the weight of the world was on her ( at 2  ) she eventually was in better spirits. She put herself to bed by announcing that it was "night night time"  she got in bed and like normal I sit in with her for a few moments, she was very restless and started to sob with restraint :'( I tried to comfort her and ask what was wrong but got nothing so I just held her and let her know I was there and it was ok. She calmed down and fell asleep, We had a great day Saturday and there was no issues at bedtime and we had a great day today. She was in a great mood both days and we spent both days at the local water park, her naps were messed up Saturday and today because of not being home so she was a little testy but nothing out of the ordinary for a 2 yr old. Today we left the waterpark early because I had to bring her back to my ex by 6pm, after she woke up from her late nap she wanted to go back swimming so I had to explain to her that she had to go back to mommies in a little bit to which she yelled "NO! I don't want to" I told her that I wish we could go back swimming but we cant today, she said " ok daddy". About 30 minutes later she told me " I want mommy" It kind of surprised me because she has NEVER not once asked for her mom, I just said ok we will be leaving soon and that was that.

I know its normal for a child to ask for mommy or daddy and really I thought it was strange that my daughter hasn't asked for her mom sooner. That being said I find the timing strange because im about to go on my first vacation with my daughter on the 21st of june for a week, I may be way off but I can totally see my ex telling my daughter to start asking for mommy in hopes that I would cut my vacation short.

Whats the best way to explain to a 2 yr old that we wont be able to see mommy in case my daughter asks for her during the vacation? 

Another weird thing and my mom was taken back by it as well was when my ex called on Saturday night to say goodnight to my daughter my daughter looked Depressed and almost scared to talk to her mom and refused to take the phone. That part of my daughter not taking the phone was normal as she rarely speaks to her mom when she calls her, but the look of terror on her face was new. My daughter cheered up a few minutes later and went to bed.

I involve my mom quite  a bit with my daughter because she was alienated from my mom and never met her until she was one. My mom is always blown away at how close me and my daughter are and keeps trying to reassure me that things will be ok , My mom is aware of the PA by my ex and said this weekend " I don't care what she (my ex) does there is no way she(my ex) will come between you and her (my daughter). My mom says this because my daughter is always glued to my side , not because she is fearful to leave my side as she will wonder off sometimes at home but because we get along so well and just enjoy each others company. We just seem to click and while I do have to enforce boundaries she hardly ever protests them, My ex says the terrible twos started early with my daughter but for me they don't exist yet.

[Turkish]

The hitting is normal for this age. They can't verbalize their frustrations,.so this is an age appropriate way of acting out. This doesn't mean it's right, but it sounds like you're doing the right thins to counter it with boundaries.

It took many months for D3 to ask for Mommy, but it happened. Validate, "I know you want to see Mommy, but tonight you're with me. You'll see her tomorrow/in 2 days/whenever and that will be good." She may still ask, as mine did, even whining. Repeat the validation, and be affectionate. Kids this age have a short attention span. She'll "come back" to where she is.

If she misses her mom on vacation, ask her if she wants to call, don't assume that she will answer yes. She just might need the validation that she misses her mom. My Ex and i have both experienced this, and it rarely results in an actual call. I also don't always ask if D3 wants to all Mommy (my Ex does when she can't handle D3). She just wants the validation.

[Eco]

It took many months for D3 to ask for Mommy, but it happened. Validate, "I know you want to see Mommy, but tonight you're with me. You'll see her tomorrow/in 2 days/whenever and that will be good." She may still ask, as mine did, even whining. Repeat the validation, and be affectionate. Kids this age have a short attention span. She'll "come back" to where she is.

When she asked for mommy is was a matter of fact tone and not a distress so that made me feel a little better. thanks for the advice I will try that if it arises again

If she misses her mom on vacation, ask her if she wants to call, don't assume that she will answer yes. She just might need the validation that she misses her mom. My Ex and i have both experienced this, and it rarely results in an actual call. I also don't always ask if D3 wants to all Mommy (my Ex does when she can't handle D3). She just wants the validation

Good idea, I doubt she will actually call her as she never talks to her on the phone. Funny thing is my daughter will talk to me on the phone, only a few words. The only time she seems to really talk on the phone is when me and my ex are getting along and actually talking civil to each other in front of my daughter, It seems to put her at ease so that its ok to talk to mommy or daddy in front of the other parent.

[kells76]

Hi eco;

I think Turkish gave some great advice on validation. Stuff like "You really want Mommy right now, huh?" sounds right on the money. I found John Gottman's book Raising Emotionally Resiliant Children (or something like that!) very helpful with understanding why validation is so helpful. Got my copy at the library. Keep up the good work.

[bravhart1]

Hope this isn't too off target but I am wondering if you have considered that you were just saying last week how mom was painting the day are black and how she was unhappy the teachers and director liked you, now miraculously she has a reason to take your daughter out of the daycare.

Have you fact checked this with the daycare?

Our BPDm was kicked out of daycare for being too uncooperative and hostile to the staff. But told DH it was because daughter was bad.

Only months later due to a chance meeting and a offhandedly phrased comment by someone from daycare did it occur to DH to investigate.

She lied. Big surprise!

[livednlearned]

Hi Eco,

Do you feel like D2 is more emotional than other kids her age?

[Eco]

Hope this isn't too off target but I am wondering if you have considered that you were just saying last week how mom was painting the day are black and how she was unhappy the teachers and director liked you, now miraculously she has a reason to take your daughter out of the daycare.

Have you fact checked this with the daycare?

No you're right on point, That's the first thing I thought of and went right to the director to make sure it wasn't something my ex did. The director assured me my daughter was welcome back and told me my ex told her the same thing she told me. Im still not convinced lack of child care assistance is the reason my ex took my daughter out of daycare, just a gut feeling though.

Do you feel like D2 is more emotional than other kids her age?

I don't think she is, If anything she seems to hold emotions in. People see how well my daughter is behaved, no tantrums ,sits still for things like getting sunscreen applied and doesn't protest a "no you cant have that" just accepts it. while opening gifts for her birthday she would make sure the wrapping paper was thrown away before opening another gift, most kids will just tear through all the presents with no regard for trash especially at 2 yrs old.

During Christmas before my daughter was 1 and before the court order my family invited my ex over for dinner and to open gifts in efforts to make peace but it turned into a stressful nightmare, my family opens gifts at the same time and at everyone's own pace and someone takes pictures but my ex flipping out and was trying to control the event and have only one person open one gift then the next person opens one gift and so on. Im not saying that way is bad or anything but I would never go into someone's house as a guest and try to impose my will on them. That is a example and My point is that my daughter throwing away trash before she can open another gift is training by my ex, everything is turned into a job and the fun is sucked right out of it.  I account my daughters good behavior to being programed by my ex and my daughter being fearful of what might happen, I have seen first hand what happens when you defy my exs will. Its great that my daughter behaves well but at what cost? I think everyone should have some freedom of choice even at 2 yrs old. My daughter still gives my ex more of a hard time then me, I think its because im not as rigid as my ex. Of course I enforce boundaries but I pick my battles, my ex flips out about the smallest details.

I definitely foresee issues coming up where my daughters self esteem is in the tank and she has issues expressing herself. I see my daughter in the same boat as I was, my ex is EXACTLY like my NPD father. I swear she is a clone of him, My mom told me to run for my life after spending some time with my ex because how similar she is to my dad.

Ok I think my time is up I will get off the couch now DR , same time next week?

seriously though thanks for listening and letting me vent and sorry for the long winded answer Livedandlearned

[bravhart1]

Just curious... .do you have no say so about the daycare?

Does your ex have 100% legal custody or is it 50/50? If 50/50 then  were you consulted before a change was made?

It just seems to me that this is the exact type of thing BPDs do to keep kids from gaining any stability, not able to form secure attachments to others, etc.  I would try to minimize these huge ( for a two y.o.) life changes, especially while she is just trying to adapt to shared custody, and a mom with BPD

Is there anything you can do to get her back in daycare? I would much rather have my child in a professionally organized daycare situation if I was dealing with a BPDm over her personal friend at a home setting. I don't have anything against home daycare per say, just maybe not in this instance. It will be MUCH easier for her to control and align the stay at home mom watching your daughter than a professional daycare.  This could be bad for you in the future ECO.

[Eco]

Just curious... .do you have no say so about the daycare?

Does your ex have 100% legal custody or is it 50/50? If 50/50 then  were you consulted before a change was made?

I hove 50/50 joint legal, she is supposed to consult me on things but she never does. That is one of the many things im going to try and straighten out in court.

technically when my daughter is in daycare its mostly during my exs time.

It just seems to me that this is the exact type of thing BPDs do to keep kids from gaining any stability, not able to form secure attachments to others, etc.  I would try to minimize these huge ( for a two y.o.) life changes, especially while she is just trying to adapt to shared custody, and a mom with BPD

I feel the same, I think the only way is through the courts

Is there anything you can do to get her back in daycare? I would much rather have my child in a professionally organized daycare situation if I was dealing with a BPDm over her personal friend at a home setting. I don't have anything against home daycare per say, just maybe not in this instance. It will be MUCH easier for her to control and align the stay at home mom watching your daughter than a professional daycare.  This could be bad for you in the future ECO.

Not much I can do unfortunately until I go back to court, you are correct though this definitely is 5 steps backwards for my daughter and me. My ex definitely has much more control this way

[Turkish]

Eco, have you ever communicated to her, in BIFF, but strong language, that she is violating a court order by making such unilateral decisions?

[Eco]

Eco, have you ever communicated to her, in BIFF, but strong language, that she is violating a court order by making such unilateral decisions?

Not in BIFF I haven't, its worth a try though