It’s beginning to get to me again

[Yaffle]

Over the past few months I’ve managed to deal with the verbal abuse pretty well, knowing that mainly it’s just the uBPDGF letting off steam for other things that are troubling her but last night has got to me a bit.  It’s not so much what is said but the energy you have to use to put up with it.

She’s been away with her mother for the weekend for her mother’s birthday while I stayed at home looking after the kids.  We had a nice relaxing time including a nice day out.  The GF also said she’d had a nice time while away too.

She got back yesterday and it’s just been constant little digs at me ever since.  One son’s teeth look dirty ‘Have you brushed them over the weekend?’ that sort of thing.  I’m sure they weren’t that dirty unless it was stuff he ate while at school as I’d watched him brush them that morning.  Not a word of thanks.  Just trying to undermine how much I did.  I’ve not complained about – why would I when I enjoy doing it?

Then she got on to complaining about me having a night away this weekend, about how much that’s costing when we’re overdrawn etc. I’m going to a school re-union in a nearby town but bed and breakfast is probably cheaper than a taxi and I want to be able to enjoy the evening without having to worry about arranging to get home.   

When she really got going I walked off down the garden but she followed a few minutes later then started ranting at me again (‘That’s it we were having a conversation but you walked out just like you always do’) so this time I walked off down the road to get away for a few minutes.  When I got back she’d locked me out.  She did soon let me back in and thankfully went to bed pretty quickly though there were a few more comments first.

She woke this morning still in a bad mood and not speaking to me but muttering constantly under her breath with more barbed comments.   

I’m not sure what the underlying cause is, it could be that I’m out of her sight and control this weekend or it could be that she is actually worried about money but if I try to speak to her I just get ‘You’ve been reading that rubbish about BPD again haven’t you?’  Pah.  This morning I just feel sort of shell shocked.  Bit on edge, frustrated and tired.  Ah well she is off round a friends tonight so I’ll get a bit of peace but whenever she does that she starts again as soon as she gets in!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

they cant handle you not reacting

but it is the correct response 

[Loosestrife]

I agree not reacting is the best response. It's hard, sometimes I think least in the work place people would get reprimanded for treating me like that. Nowadays I'm a lot less patient. If my PwBPD is verbal abusive I just walk away, I don't even bother to validate.

[Theo41]

Loosestrife, I was struck by how similar our experiences are and how well you were able to describe them. In my case , as in most, there are ups as well as downs. The up cycle , during which , she acts as loving as she has been hateful, serves to counterbalance the relationship and makes it work for me. Also, I have gotten a lot of time away. I have work (40-50 hrs per week), 12 step meetings I go to several times a week and sports I'm engaged in. So it's not total emersion. It only works because I get the love and away time. If all I got was the sniping criticism , hate, anxiety and depression, I would have to leave or I would  get very sick myself. Bottom line: my first responsibility is to myself. I deserve to be happy and live a reasonably satisfying life . It's like the oxygen on airplanes. You have to put your mask on first or you won't be successful in helping others such as the children or her. Theo

[waverider]

You have to stick to doing your me time.

Only thing I would add is to state you are going outside for a while as the atmosphere is too heated (or similar) rather than just walk away saying nothing.

[Yaffle]

I do quite often say that there's no point in carrying on the conversation so I'm going but unfortunately I also quite often add 'until you've calmed down'.  Must learn not to add that bit

[takingandsending]

Hi Yaffle.

Consider adding that what she is feeling is important to you, and that you will be back in ___ minutes when you have had a chance to cool off. It doesn't resolve much, but it does usually keep my wife from following me.

I totally get where you are coming from on the lack of appreciation and the undermining. My wife was away for 8 days. My sons and I had a really good week. No issues, lots of fun. When my wife came back, it was like, you gave S4 three hours of movie time (over 8 days, mind you), I feel like my concerns don't matter. She made all sorts of assumptions that all I fed them was crap, etc. Told me I should have taken S4 to the doctors over a pimple on the back of his neck. It's swell. Honestly, those 8 days were really wonderful.

[vortex of confusion]

I do quite often say that there's no point in carrying on the conversation so I'm going but unfortunately I also quite often add 'until you've calmed down'.  Must learn not to add that bit

It is much better to keep it focused on you. "I am going to step out until I can clear my head and calm down. I need some space."

The "until you've calmed down" can come across as very self righteous and demeaning and add fuel to the fire.